advice - pregnant

[bab]

Ive just discovered im pregnant. only very early.

This will be my 3rd child. I have booked myself in for a termination tomorrow for a couple of reasons
1. I am so anxious and a friend of mine had a stillbirth and that plays on my mind
2. I am older now 36
3. Someone once told me about 10 yrs ago that I would have 2 boys and I have had 2 boys so maybe im not meant to have anymore.
4. Im going on holiday in the summer and worry about needing a hospital abroad
I know this sounds really selfish but maybe I should just concentrate on the 2 i have?

[anxietyoverload]

Hi there! I just noticed that no where in your list does it say that you don't want another child? If you do want another baby then I really don't think the reasons you have here are good enough reasons to have an abortion if thats not really what you want.

As horrid and upsetting as stillbirths are the chances that it would happen to you are very slim.

I don't think 36 is over the age that many women have children these days :)

Physics are hardly ever completely right about everything - I dont think its fate you should have an abortion.

And if you do need a hospital on holiday which is unlikely there will be plenty of fully qualified doctors and nurses there too :)

xxx

[bab]

Thanks so much
xxx

[cattia]

I think you need to think carefully and be one hundred percent happy either way. I have two healthy children and would love a third but I have many anxieties about the risks, so I do understand your concerns. I don't think your age is a major factor. I know many women who don't start families until their late thirties. The risks are greater but many problems can be picked up on scans these days. I think a termination is something that is not to be taken lightly, but if you are one hundred percent sure then you have to go with the decision that is best for you and your family.
I wouldn't take any notice of what someone told you years ago. It bears no relation to your life, some predictions are right, some are wrong. It's right now because it matches the reality of your life. If you went on to have another child it would be wrong. It is just coincidental in my opinion.

Edit to add, reading back through it sounds like I am saying don't go ahead with the appointment, I'm not saying that, out just that by posting here it suggests you are not totally at ease with your decision and you need to be OK with it before you go ahead if that's what you decide x

[bab]

xxx

[Coppernob]

I would echo very much what cattia has said. My mother had me at 40 and was absolutely fine. Someone else I know had one at 48, he's her great joy and she had no problems.

But I would never try to dissuade someone for whom another child would be an absolute disaster and would cause major upset to their present family. You just need to be certain you really want a termination before you take that step.

What does your husband/partner want to do?

[Edie]

Bab, please think very carefully about your decision.

A stillbirth is a terrible thing, and it's only natural it would play on your mind. But the risk is extremely low and it doesn't seem a sensible reason to have an abortion.

A pregnancy at 36 would not be considered high-risk due to your age.

I don't really believe in psychics or fate, so I can't really comment on that.

As for your holiday, unless you are going to some 3rd world backwater, there are hospitals with very highly qualified staff in other countries too. Make sure you take out medical insurance that covers you for pregnancy. In the unlikely situation that you need medical care while you are abroad, it will be available. It may be a good idea to check where the nearest hospital to your location is.

Your last issue about taking care of the two you have, well that is something worth considering. If you're already struggling with your boys then maybe a 3rd child is not the right thing for your family.

If you do decide a termination is the right decision, then you will still feel bad. You will need someone to support you through it. Will you have your partner's support with a termination?

[bab]

Thanks Edie
Im going to Spain for 3 weeks in July - I panic on holiday at the best of times. im not struggling as such with my boys, I love them very much my only struggle is my anxiety and sometimes I dont like to go out or I avoid it but I try not to let them see it. Im also worrying about collapsing and heamorraging x

[Col]

hi bab im 32 next so bit younger & pregnant with my third!

the sheer fear, desperation panic worry anxiety is driving me insane im panaking like hell been sick & in bed for the best part of 2 weeks & worry about hospitalisation etc.

personally babs id feel guilty as hell already having kids then aborting one.

I really really hope you make the right decision 4 U.

Collette x

[sparkle_1979]

Preg and anxiety is awful, try and relax you are going to fine..

Oh and a psychic told my mum I'd have two red haired boys, I have two blonde girls:doh:

[bab]

Thanks so much xxx

[Col]

How u getting on babs? X

[bab]

Hey Col
Thanks so much for asking. I keep flitting from being ok and sheer panic. imagining all sorts. I keep looking for signs and want someone to tell me what to do which I know they can't. Today I went for an appointment for a termination and they gave me a scan. Because im so early the sac was so small and i need to go for another scan next week which gives me more time.I look at people who are pregnant and carrying on normal life which is the way it should be. Thanks so much for asking, and I hope you are ok too xxx

[Coppernob]

I keep thinking about you bab and wondering how you are.

Somewhat against my husband's wishes (though I wouldn't have gone ahead if he'd really disagreed of course) I chose to have a third pregnancy having had 2 boys, and desperately wanting a girl - and ended up with twin boys! I was shattered when they told me it was twins (I was already 7 months pregnant with a 3 year-old and a 5-year old) but they have brought me so much joy over the years. I cannot imagine what my life would have been without them.

But just think - you might have a little girl!

But as I said before, if you feel another child would be a disaster for your present family, then it is your choice to terminate. Sending you all the positive thoughts I can muster ...:)

[bab]

wow! How was being pregnant with twins? I feel really sad today - I feel my husband is emotionally retarded. He is not good at dealing with emotion and im finding it hard. Its not that another one would be a disaster - I just cannot picture another one. Its more managing my anxiety. How did you cope? I want someone to tell me what to do. I have another week to decide as when i went yesterday the sac was still to small so they need to wait another week to see and then I can be booked in for either surgical or medical (tablet) termination. Thanks so much for your comments xxx

[Coppernob]

Being pregnant with twins was huge! All very exciting and. although it was incredibly hard work with all those little kids I was too busy (and too pleased with myself!) to be really troubled with anxiety. Friends were wonderful and helped out, and my husband took on a lot of the care of the older two for a while. I was very lucky. All my health anxiety surfaced much later on, several years later in fact.

I don't think your husband is unusual in finding it impossible to deal with emotion - it's very much a male thing. My husband finds it hard as he doesn't understand. He has had health problems but doesn't lose a wink of sleep over them.

Have you got a really good friend or relative you can talk to? It sounds as if you really need help with this situation.

[Col]

Hi babs - thinking about having a termination either surgical or medication method would tip me over the edge! Your very brave, in fact I think contemplating such a procedure makes u stronger than you think.
Xxxxx

[Scottie32]

Hi Babs,

I don't want to speak out of turn, as I am male and I could not possible get a grip on what you are going through...But.
Think of the joy your children bring to you, the little things that make you smile and brighten your day. I know for me a few words from either of my kids completely changes my mood and day, you could have this 3 times over. Sometimes they are so demanding I haven't got time to think about my HA...Which is a good thing.Maybe it would work this way for you ? Don't get me wrong I know this is a very difficult decision for you and it is easy for me being a man to say what I a saying its just I hate my HA hate it, it is ruining my life in so many ways and I guess I hate to see it having the same effect on others. I am really sorry if I have spoken out of turn or offended I just wanted to say something. As others have said the fact that you considering various options shows how strong you are. HA can cripple you in so many ways don't let it make life decisions for you. Good luck in whatever you decide to do and again I am very sorry if I have spoken out of turn.
By the way we didn't have our first child until I was 35 and my wife was 33, second when I was 38 and wife 36.

[illgetthere]

Hi bab I just wanted to say a few things to you I have to boys I desperately wanted a little girl to make my family complete in November 2007 after 18 months of trying I had a little girl called her summer she's a total joy I love her with all I have then June 2008 I found out I was pregnant so shocked its a bit of a blur tbh I don't no how I came to the decision to have a termination but I did and its 1 of the biggest things I regret the sheer guilt I live with the what if what would it of been and most days I think about it every year I think he/she would of been such an such age what would we of called he/she its cruel I wish I would of just had the baby for what I think and then november 2011 I had my first panic attack oh my life was turned upside down then February 2012 I found out my pill didn't work and I was faced with the decision of a baby and when I say I was a mess I was a mess I wanted to admit myself into a mental home I was that bad but my partner told me I wasn't mentally well to cope with a another baby and tryed to get me to have an abortion but the very thought of going there made me feel sick to the stomach I cryed and cryed and cryed I wanted someone to come and say this is what you have to do but no one could I decided to have my baby he's now 7 months old called him ollie and he's a pure joy I could not imagine what I would of done if I decided to terminate your reasons are your own but there not massive reasons to go threw such an ordeal and trust me its not a very nice expirience at all the moment you do it you want to change it sorry to go on but it's a hard decision to make I hope and pray you make the right 1.
Vicky xx

[Tufty]

Hi Bab I hope you're feeling a little better today.

I'm not here to give my opinion, I believe only you can make that decision and I am pro choice.
However it sounds like you need some more time to work this out and come to a decision. Did you discuss your uncertainty with the pregnancy advisors? No one is going to tell you what to do and make the decision for you but talking with a trained professional may help you come to the right decision for you. Some termination services have a clinical psychologist to assist women who are unsure, to enable them to talk through their options and concerns.

I would suggest you phone the clinic and explain your situation and ask for advice, they may able to offer you some more counselling before making a decision. They would not proceed with any procedure with your level of uncertainty anyway. If they are not helpful there are other options available. You can self refer to any pregnancy advisory service - Marie Stopes, BPAS and NHS services are all free if you are registered with a NHS GP. If your local clinic cannot offer further counselling, one of these would be able to. It doesn't matter how far away you live - all these organisations will see you anywhere.

There are other pregnancy advisory services that advertise and they can offer some useful counselling, however they do tend to be pro life and may be biased in a subtle way.

Talking to someone for just an hour may consolidate those thoughts and help you make a decision. You will not be 100% one way or the other, sometimes it is just a gut instinct that makes you decide what to do and that is normal in the circumstances but try to be as certain as you can be that you are doing the right thing for YOU at this moment in time. Talking to a professional would help you come to this decision. If the pregnancy is under 6 weeks you do have a few weeks to work with but please don't keep this to yourself, time and talking about it will help you figure this out.

Take care
Sam