lior
11-04-13, 18:27
Hello all, hope the sun is shining for you today.
A few years ago I became very depressed and was on Citalopram for 8 months or so. I had counselling which didn't help but when my mum eventually got the truth out of me, my parents paid for psychotherapy for me, which they couldn't really afford but it saved my life.
I was at uni, feeling alone. I wasn't happy with my course. And I was coming to terms with being bisexual. My mum is a bit homophobic and somehow I ended up hating myself for being attracted to women. Every day was a dark hell that I dragged myself through. Most of the time I didn't want to get out of bed. I slept so much of the time. On Citalopram I couldn't drink, and before I would drink a lot - uni in Nottingham makes you into an alcoholic. I had hardly any supportive friends nearby and they didn't really know what to do. I would stand on bridges and think about jumping into the road below. I would run in front of cars on the street. I would fantasise about building myself a guillotine to behead myself with. I occasionally ineffectively strangled myself with a belt. I would think about killing myself most of the time. I knew I was in a very dark place when I looked at the beautiful blue sky on a warm day and still felt like dying.
Things started looking up when I slept with a woman. It meant that yes, I really was bi, and it wasn't a lie I had made up to myself. A few months later, I was ready to tell my parents, following a short relationship with a woman. Soon after that, I reduced my dose of Citalopram and saw my therapist less. I met a wonderful man and we started a relationship slowly. I changed uni course and moved back to London, though not back to my parents' house, so I saw them more but still had my own life. I fell in love and my boyfriend was supportive of my work and when I got concussion he looked after me. I recovered from depression.
Since then I have grown a great deal and lead a generally happy, exciting life.
There were some times that I felt bad again, but never to the state I was in at Nottingham. In particular, towards the end of my degree, I wasn't depressed but extremely anxious. I was shaking the whole time. I worked and slept with hardly any breaks for weeks. My relationship suffered. I would get scared that cats wanted to attack me when I walked home at night. I would get scared from being on escalators. This lasted a couple of months, and it was down to me wanting to get the approval of my tutors while at the same time doing a really great project true to my intentions - the problem was, the tutors didn't care about my intentions and wanted me to do a very different project. I couldn't have it both ways.
As I came out of that period of time, I felt numb for a week and didn't feel like I loved my boyfriend. We stayed together and tried to work through it - I felt that I loved him again after that week - but a few months later he ended it. I was deeply upset and I'm still not over it, I still love him, 8 months on. We shared something very special and I know it's going to be a while until I find something like that again. Thankfully we are still friends. Despite this, I focus on the good things in life and I am well equipped with dealing with negative events.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety but now I have a positive life perspective, probably as a result of what I have been through. I am focussed on being giving towards other people, and this makes me happy. Yesterday I handed in someone's Oyster card that they left on the tube, and gave a crying girl a tissue and moral support. I also saw Audrey Tatou on the tube - all in the same day! - and I think it's the universe's way of rewarding me.
I try to take the bad I see and make it into something good. I want to right every wrong - so I do one small thing at a time. I know I am making a difference. I feel that I am being a good citizen and I am earning my place in society. I am young yet (23), and it's just as well I didn't kill myself - I still have plenty of time to achieve great things.
So if you are feeling bad - remember, so many people in this world have felt the way you do, and have recovered. If you are thinking about killing yourself, you are stopping your future self from reaching your potential. In three years' time, you could have an interaction with someone that could improve their lives, and they could go on to do other amazing things as a result of that. If you kill yourself now, you'll never be able to do that. You could do so many things - the world has so much to offer. Sometimes it seems that you'll never get out, but in time things will change, and you can make your own opportunities under the right circumstances.
It is possible to live a happy life after depression and anxiety, and even make the world a better place to be in. I am living proof.
Good luck seeking the help you need for your current situation. This site helped me but also at times seemed too negative; I want to help by telling my story occasionally to give people hope.
A few years ago I became very depressed and was on Citalopram for 8 months or so. I had counselling which didn't help but when my mum eventually got the truth out of me, my parents paid for psychotherapy for me, which they couldn't really afford but it saved my life.
I was at uni, feeling alone. I wasn't happy with my course. And I was coming to terms with being bisexual. My mum is a bit homophobic and somehow I ended up hating myself for being attracted to women. Every day was a dark hell that I dragged myself through. Most of the time I didn't want to get out of bed. I slept so much of the time. On Citalopram I couldn't drink, and before I would drink a lot - uni in Nottingham makes you into an alcoholic. I had hardly any supportive friends nearby and they didn't really know what to do. I would stand on bridges and think about jumping into the road below. I would run in front of cars on the street. I would fantasise about building myself a guillotine to behead myself with. I occasionally ineffectively strangled myself with a belt. I would think about killing myself most of the time. I knew I was in a very dark place when I looked at the beautiful blue sky on a warm day and still felt like dying.
Things started looking up when I slept with a woman. It meant that yes, I really was bi, and it wasn't a lie I had made up to myself. A few months later, I was ready to tell my parents, following a short relationship with a woman. Soon after that, I reduced my dose of Citalopram and saw my therapist less. I met a wonderful man and we started a relationship slowly. I changed uni course and moved back to London, though not back to my parents' house, so I saw them more but still had my own life. I fell in love and my boyfriend was supportive of my work and when I got concussion he looked after me. I recovered from depression.
Since then I have grown a great deal and lead a generally happy, exciting life.
There were some times that I felt bad again, but never to the state I was in at Nottingham. In particular, towards the end of my degree, I wasn't depressed but extremely anxious. I was shaking the whole time. I worked and slept with hardly any breaks for weeks. My relationship suffered. I would get scared that cats wanted to attack me when I walked home at night. I would get scared from being on escalators. This lasted a couple of months, and it was down to me wanting to get the approval of my tutors while at the same time doing a really great project true to my intentions - the problem was, the tutors didn't care about my intentions and wanted me to do a very different project. I couldn't have it both ways.
As I came out of that period of time, I felt numb for a week and didn't feel like I loved my boyfriend. We stayed together and tried to work through it - I felt that I loved him again after that week - but a few months later he ended it. I was deeply upset and I'm still not over it, I still love him, 8 months on. We shared something very special and I know it's going to be a while until I find something like that again. Thankfully we are still friends. Despite this, I focus on the good things in life and I am well equipped with dealing with negative events.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety but now I have a positive life perspective, probably as a result of what I have been through. I am focussed on being giving towards other people, and this makes me happy. Yesterday I handed in someone's Oyster card that they left on the tube, and gave a crying girl a tissue and moral support. I also saw Audrey Tatou on the tube - all in the same day! - and I think it's the universe's way of rewarding me.
I try to take the bad I see and make it into something good. I want to right every wrong - so I do one small thing at a time. I know I am making a difference. I feel that I am being a good citizen and I am earning my place in society. I am young yet (23), and it's just as well I didn't kill myself - I still have plenty of time to achieve great things.
So if you are feeling bad - remember, so many people in this world have felt the way you do, and have recovered. If you are thinking about killing yourself, you are stopping your future self from reaching your potential. In three years' time, you could have an interaction with someone that could improve their lives, and they could go on to do other amazing things as a result of that. If you kill yourself now, you'll never be able to do that. You could do so many things - the world has so much to offer. Sometimes it seems that you'll never get out, but in time things will change, and you can make your own opportunities under the right circumstances.
It is possible to live a happy life after depression and anxiety, and even make the world a better place to be in. I am living proof.
Good luck seeking the help you need for your current situation. This site helped me but also at times seemed too negative; I want to help by telling my story occasionally to give people hope.