View Full Version : anxiety / death of a loved one.
Im really not sure of posting this but i really can do with advice , ive looked on bereavement sites etc , but i cant seem to find what i need . In advance i like to appologise and remove this thread if it upsets anyone.
I lost my Dad 7 weeks ago tomorrow , friends as i seen as good friends have only found by the way of supporting me is by alcohol and constantly at my home ,fuelling my husband with booze , i cant seem to find the energy or good time to let my hair down and enjoy life ,let in though fill it with alcohol .
Im looking for someone who knows what its like grieving , the feelings i have are killing me , i know its anxiety /panic attacks , but they seem to be more triggered of by friends and husband .
They dont understand how im feeling , im telling them i smelt Dad the other day ,laughed and told me its all in my head . Then a build up of tears and pains in chest and constantly in the loo , i feel im losing the plot .
My husbands been supportive over sorting out funeral arrangements ,bills etc ,but not loving me and comforting me ....
little things set me off to cry ,seeing my dads writing in a notepad of his , i dare say anything to my husband .So wanting to go to my Dads the other day 35 years of knowing our home has been given back to the council , burns my insides , i want to sit in his home , husband says well you cant .
I dont know if its all in my head and that it is my husband whos making me feel insecure or me or its his motto of kicking me up the butt .Ive spoken to him and hes telling me hes got mental health issues and dont want to talk about them too me , i feel scared hes hiding something , i feel paranoid .
Im sorry if ive upset anyone , i think im just looking for someone whos lost a dearly loved one , to know how im suppose to be feeling and to share ...
CWTCHES to who reads this xx
Big hugs to you :bighug1:.
I'm so sorry you have lost your Dad and that you feel people around you aren't supporting you. I grew up with my Granch, I lived with him until he passed away four years ago. When he passed away I felt like my entire support system had fallen through. He was the only one that cared for my as a parent should (my own parents through various reasons were unable to be what parents should be). He was like a MUm and Dad to me. I can relate to how you feel about your Dad's house. My Granch's house was just sold at the start of the year and the thought of not being able to go there, to go home is heartbreaking and thats after four years for me so I can't imagine how it must be for you now. My friends were similar to yours when he passed away, they didn't know how to treat me so invariably whatever they did would never satisfy me at the time because all I wanted was the person I had lost. Smells can provoke powerful memories and so don't pay any attention to what they said. I've kept some of my Granch's jumpers to smell, and they do still smell of him. Its comforting. I also created a little memory box of things that reminded me of him, from his aftershave, glasses, cap. I even created alittle book of quotes from him (he came out with some funny things) and happy situations we'd been in. Maybe this would help focus your grief if you did something similar - started up a memory box with all your favourite things and memories of your Dad. You are not alone, we are all here to support you and I hope this helps in some small way. If you ever need to talk, drop me a message.
Thinking of you and bug hugs again. :bighug1:
Hannah
Thanx so much Hannah. x
Funny thing today ,i had to put on Dads jackets that i left in the car on, i could smell him straight away and when i put my hands into the poccket there was tissue . I only now imagine what he thought wearing his jacket at the farm ...."Bloody farm again , all you ever are is up that sodding farm " lol ....didnt even think of what he would say until you mentioned about quotes ....thank you ...xx
This message has helped in so many ways , im actually grinning while typing ...thank you xx
(((((Cazzy)))))
My family lost my brother nearly 2 years ago now and the early days were very, very difficult. It takes a while for it even to feel real, and it's really very early days for you. I'm sorry that you don't have more supportive people in your life, as you really need that at the moment! Some people can be very thoughtless when someone dies. They often just don't get it at all.
Hannah's idea to write down quotes and memories could be a really nice one, give you something to focus on. If you're into crafts you could make a pretty scrapbook with photos and stories, or if you're less into crafts then there are lots of nice photo albums you can buy.
I found it reassuring to read about grief on the internet and find out what was normal, it helped me to see that everything I was feeling was normal, healthy, and a step toward recovering. The Cruse website had some useful information on there.
Your anxiety is going to make things more complicated, but everything you've described does sound normal in bereavement.
I've heard it said that you have to cry a certain number of tears before you recover from a bereavement. I'm not sure you can take it that literally, but I do feel that every time I am sad, it is a step toward feeling better again. The feelings are much less scary that way.
Things are a lot better for me now, there are more good days than bad. I still cry and probably still will in 70 years time, but mostly when I think about my brother I smile and laugh because of the happiness he brought me. You won't always feel like you do now.
Tell us more about your dad if you would like to. Some days I felt (and still feel) like talking about my brother. Other days I just want/ed to be sad quietly. Whatever you think would help.
Your welcome Cazzy :)
Edie's right about the Cruse website - it provides alot of helpful information about bereavement and the grief process. I read anything and everything I could about grief after my Granch passed away. I have some books if they would be helpful to you. Like Edie says, if you feel like telling us about your dad and your happy memories then do, it would be lovely to hear them, but only if you feel like it. Whilst it will always hurt (thats good because it shows how much your Dad meant to you) the pain won't always be this raw.
Sorry to hear about your brother Edie, I'm glad your at the stage where you can reflect and smile because of all the happiness he brought you.
Big hugs to you both!
:bighug1:
Thank you Hannah and Eddie.
Im sorry to hear of your loss of your brother and Granch . The first time i experianced and got to know about death was when i was 6yrs old my Grandpy passed away . I would always be down my nans house at 5pm waiting for my half penny or even a penny lol ....
I am quite artistic ,its a really good idea and i think my son and daughter would enjoy doing something like this ...thanx
I have so many questions in my head , as ive so -called been independant and not wanting to burden anyone ,now is the time i feel i need to talk out and i have no-one . I beat myself up everyday wanting to know answers ,i want to know what Dad would have wanted me to do ....
After his heart attack and stroke i felt so responsible for it , i never told him though , he decided he didnt want no-more contact with his side of HIS family due to court circumstances and lying ..I put so much strain onto him ,but i dont think i ever thanked him for supporting me.
I cant seem to think of good memories at the moment ,im beating myself up . Hebecome hard work towards the end , i cooked ,cleaned ,did his bills,medication , the lot . But his stroke was making him angry and towards me i couldnt cope . Not for 1 day i thought he pass away . I give up 3 weeks before he died , my anxiety was terrible , i didnt leave him in the lurch ,i asked my mum and aunty too look after him and rang nurses and doctors to tell them i couldnt do it anymore . I think Dad give up in the 3 weeks when i give up on him. He made his funeral plans ,even sorted out his will 10 days before he passed away . i had 3 days with him , he was his normal sarcy character , the doctor said his fibrosis had worstened and expect the worst over the weekend . just so wasnt expecting he pass away . I think i need to know answers , i got so many questions ......as tears flow now , you guys are wonderful just to read this for me thank you ...i will look into that site
tthanx ....xxx
---------- Post added at 09:39 ---------- Previous post was at 09:34 ----------
please both also , i love to hear your side of happy memories of your Granch and Brother ,maybe i can reflect on them .....xxx
hey cazzy. i lost my dad 1 year ago last month. it killed. im still numb but gettin on. but it will never go away. but we have to carry on. no matter how hard. my dad was 62. he had lymphoma,diabetis,enlarged spleen,enlarged heart & leaking heart valve. he died suddenly unexpected of an heart attack. i was there when my brothers tried to resusatate him & the paramedics. but he was gone. im 28 years old. & feel like i still can,t carry on. & what with this anxiety & panic. well makes it a whole lot worse. you will be ok. i promise you. keep yor chin up,keep smilling & most inportantly enjoy life. because your dad would want that. ok.
Thank you Fruity , sorry to hear of your loss , my Dad was 65 and although he was told he had 3-5 years to live , i think we should have spoke more how he would want me to continue with life and what he expected from his grand children with the money he left for them , im suppose im going to beat myself up all the time as i just want to know answers and why wasnt i prepared ,even told by doctors to expect the worst over that weekend ,but it didnt sink in , he was stll his normal sarcy character ......it feels unreal ....thank you xx
I think the reality of death always comes as a shock, even when it is expected. Denial is a very common emotion. My mum's doctor told her it takes about 3 months before it starts to feel real, and it was about that timescale for me. My brother died in a sudden accident, so there was nothing before, but I'd imagine it's very normal to feel the way you did even when the doctors warned you to expect the worst over the weekend.
One of my happiest memories of my brother was when my cousin came to stay. She was 6 years old at the time and she came to visit me for the weekend and my brother and I took her to a farm that also has a big indoor soft play area. I was waiting at the bottom of a tunnel-slide while all these kids came out, and managed to get a nice photo of my cousin as she emerged. My next photo is of my brother, with a massive grin on his face! There was another slide where you sit on a mat to go down, and my cousin and brother got really competitive, chasing each other up the steps and trying to come down the slide faster than each other. Later, when we were outside looking at the animals, it poured with rain. We were on our way back inside when he got a cheeky grin on his face and ran into a wendy house. We followed him in and sheltered from the rain in there, all crampt because it was only small and intended for children. It was fun at the time, and has become one of my fondest memories of him. I should point out that he was not a child, he was 26 years old with a stubbly face, but he never let that stop him playing with kids' toys!
awww thats lovely story Edie ,
thanx for your post aswel , i could be in denial ,as im not excepting whats happened , im thinking what if i didnt let him have more sedation ,would have it made my Dad fight harder and still be here today , i still beat myself about everything at the moment and i know its time ,that i see through my negativity ,theres going to be positvley , im just waiting to find
when told to think of happy memories ,i havent been able too , but today ,something does keep popping in my mind and im smiling now ,thinking about it . Its the only thing i can think of and its the time when i was young and my Dad loved the sea , he would float on his back and i hold onto his feet ,trying to float myself ,then Dad would fight really hard to stay a float then both of us would go under ,then Dad show me how to floaton my back all by relaxing and thinking about it now , it was good and fun ....floating on my back with the waves floating underneath me ....
Roll on the summer , i want to go to the seaside !!! xx
LongingForSunrise
19-04-13, 20:07
The sensation of your fathers presence is your memory of him. It is in your head, but that doesn't make it any less real. It's your perception, it's your sorrow, it's your memory of your father. I think that it is outrageous that people laugh at that. It makes me quite sad to read.
I lost my aunt to brain cancer. It was a quick (~4 months from diagnosis to the end) and painful way for her to go. I was angry at nature, literally. I could not see how anyone would deserve such fate, but such types of cancer is more or less out of our hands. I cried like a newborn baby all the time during the entire funeral. She suffered a lot. Seizures, lots of emotional switches, death anxiety and so forth. They had to medicate her into a vegetable because of all the pain and all the anxiety for two weeks. And knowing that such a fate happened to such a kind and funny person just really struck me as a huge injustice. She devoted her life to helping people with addictions and taking care of horses. And this is what she got, she died just a month before she was gonna have her 50th birthday.
I took my medications and packed a huge backpack and took my mountain bike and went to a lake in the forest for 7 days. I would bicycle back and forth, take walks in the forest and lots of photos. I sat by a bonfire at evenings, looking out towards the sunset and thought about life. How real everything becomes when death hits you with a sledgehammer.
Just recently we lost an old friend of the family, my mothers ex-"man". He battled cancer as well, pancreatic cancer. He was a long time alcoholic and refused to stop despite many infections and heavy medication. Stubborn like a stone. But he was funny, he had some good years - but in the end, he didn't have that much energy. Never went out or anything. Now, my mother stopped seeing him and I had to stop seeing him because I couldn't tell him about anything. But I couldn't lie to him either, that my mother had met another man. It was over for them years before, they were just friends. But I couldn't lie to him, I couldn't do that. Not to him.
His mother is not the best of people, she didn't call us until he was dead. I never went to say goodbye to a man that helped me and my mom through rough times. I didn't get to say that I love him and that I'm thankful for everything. After all, he was at the hospital for two freaking weeks. But the doctor called my mother and told her he died in his sleep, quietly and peacefully he fell deeper into eternity.
This is one of the hardest things to think about. I couldn't say goodbye and thank him properly. I was not happy with my mother, nor with his mother. I understand that I needed to be loyal to my mother and I couldn't lie to him. But I bet it would've met a lot to the both of us if I could've been there to thank him properly for everything he's done for us in life and that he was valued despite our many differences and past heat.
There are many things in life that we will always ask ourselves, that will never be fully answered. And to accept this is one of the hardest things we may ever come to face. Death is as real as it gets, it's the end of all life. But the ones that die, they die and most likely doesn't do much more than that. We that still lingers on, we have ours and their dreams and hopes still living inside of us. This is the hard part. Because everything stops when someone dies, everything ends. But that is what everything living must do some day. It's the inevitable fate of us all. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that you will find peace and strength in all of this. It's not easy, I know that - but we endure. Because we are human, we are not alone and our hearts doesn't have to be lonely if we share with each other. Like you have done, like many others have done, like I do. Hold on to that strength, speak about the ones you've lost, cherish their memory and hold them in high regards. We must continue this battle, they would want us to live to the fullest. With our hearts full. :)
Stay strong.
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