violent thoughts in your sleep?

[MrsStobe13]

Hi folks,
As some of you may recall I suffer with violent thoughts. They flex between good days and bad days and I'm now beginning to fret that one day I might actually do the thought when I'm not fully concious of my actions, or that I'm secretly a bad person.

Before I continue, I must highlight this: I do not like violence. My fiancé loves violent movies and computer games and I can't actually look! I got majorly grossed out from one film he was watching in which one character slit another's throat, yet it's a thought I've suffered before. I've had two spots in the last 3-4 days which have bled just a drop - and they grossed me out! I don't like the sight of blood at all!

I think the worse ones are closely linked to tiredness and/or my contraceptive pill. I have had these thoughts since I began taking the mini-pill, but also find them much better if I get at least 8 hours sleep at a sensible time. if I'm tired, they occur, but the worst one's come from a disturbed night's sleep. Take for example, last night I got home from a birthday party at 1am and went to bed at 1:30am. I got woken by Mother Nature at 5:30am and could feel my mind wanting me to go and grab a knife, and attack my fiancé. I made myself go back to bed and back to sleep and have not had a thought like it since, but I have thought about it and terrified that one day I might act on such an impulse.

I've had other random violent thoughts too. At first, my thoughts were simply about stabbing. I've since had thoughts about slitting our dog's throat or shutting him in the oven. I'm losing my temper at the drop of a hat and I'm worried I may act on a violent thought when I'm angry or tired, or both.

I've tried to get some help but with waiting lists like they are I'm still waiting. I've argued for changing my contraceptive pill but the 12 hour 'late window' of Cerazette suits me better than a three hour one. I use Rescue Remedy pastilles but they're not always effective at combatting the thoughts. I've even told myself not to show any emotion to these thoughts but they feel like it's me that wants to do it, not some corrupted part of my brain.

Has anyone else got experience of this? How do you cope?

MrsStobe13 x

[chicaplatense1]

I had those thoughts 2 years ago. I freaked out because I have children. The way I coped with it was not the best way. I was convinced at the time that I was going crazy. So I went to the mental hospital and stayed there for 10 days. They put me on Anti-Depressants and eventually the thoughts went away. I think I could have dealt with this better but I got to the point where I wasn't sleeping and gagging and nauseated from the Anxiety. I had a very hard time believing and convincing myself that these obsessive thoughts were the product of stress and a tired mind... But they were.

[MrsStobe13]

I remember saying I should be locked up. I was sat in the back of my Dad's car sobbing and I told my Mum I belonged in a 'looney bin'. Not something I am proud of given the fact my Uncle was in a mental hospital for 8 years (he had learning difficulties), but when you're anxious you don't think before you speak sometimes. I used to use St John's Wort but I can't anymore. I wish sleep was something I could have more of but with all the wedding stress I'm not getting much of it.