Wedding photography Nerves

[steveo]

Hi guys.

Not sure if people have been following my posts on here but in short, came off Citalopram after many many happy anxiety free years, came off very slowly, took last tablet in October 2012, mood deteriorated badly, January 2013 - BOOM - breakdown out of nowhere, had to move back in with my dad, can't seem to successfully get myself back on medication.

I'm now worse than I ever have been in my entire life. Constant anxiety, fatigue, very bad DP/DR and very agoraphobic for the first time in my life too.

I'm a photographer and I've had a wedding booked for a year to photography on 27th April. I expected to be back to my normal self by now but this doesn't seem to be leaving me in any hurry, especially as medication isn't getting back into my system successfully.

Last week I felt kind of good and really thought I was slowly getting better. Since last Monday however, I've been on a huge decline once again, bed bound, crying uncontrollably for hours each day, panic attacks, no sleep, vivid dreams when I do sleep. Feel like I'm back to square one again.

Basically I haven't told the bride that I don't think I'm able to do the wedding. I want to do the wedding as I'm self employed and haven't made a single penny since last December but also because it's good for my portfolio. A year ago I was alot cheaper than I am now and as it's a girl I went to uni with I said I'd do it for cheap.

I asked another wedding photographer I know if he's free that date and he is, but says he won't shoot it for my price and wants at least double, paid in cash.

The wedding is up in Cardiff and I've moved back to Cornwall. It's stressing me out having to think about it. In this state now, there is no chance I can do the wedding unless I was heavily doped up on Diazepam. A wedding day for a photographer is just as stressful than for anyone else!!

I don't know what to do. It's 2 weeks away. Maybe I'll be ok by then? Or am I cutting it too fine to be changing photographer etc??

Help!

:(

Thanks

Steven

[nicola1980]

Steve if i was you id speak to the bride asap and explain the situation, you don't need this sort of pressure at the min you need to concentrate on getting yourself well, don't leave it any longer tho and then it gives her time to find someone else, don't feel guilty either as none of this is your fault you can't help being ill, i really hope you start to feel better soon, i know exactly what your going through and its truly awful but things will get better i promise x x

[BobbyDog]

You have to put your needs before those of others, it is better to tell the bride now how ill you are and make your apologies. She will have to pay a lot more for someone else to do the photography, but she still has time to arrange it. If you decided on the day that you could not make the trip or face the job, what then?
You obviously do not need this additional pressure at the moment when you are doing your best to help yourself recover from your current bout of depression/anxiety
and agoraphobia.
A really horrible situation to be in, give her a call and explain you plight, if you are able.
I would say sooner rather than later.

[karenp]

I agree with Nicola Steve...you can't help being poorly and need to concentrate on yourself at the mo and getting better. I know it's short notice for the bride but you could tell her about the other offer.

[clio51]

Hi Steveo,

I'm sorry you've gone backward in this horrible illness,you were doing so well when your girlfriend came to see you for a few days. You were even getting out! Which was brilliant.

It's a hard decision for you to make feeling like you do,and you know you have to make a decision because time is of the essence.

You need the money yes, but you also need to be in the right frame of mind.as you say it's just as stressful for you as the bride.
Can you honestly see you driving back to Cardiff? Also staying there for at least few hours.
I can see your thinking it's 2 weeks away, but you need to make the decision now. Not only to stop you stressing about it and being on your mind, but for the bride's sake she needs to know now. Wether that's to go over things for the day,or you telling her you can't do it your very ill (you don't have to go into great detail) but you have a mate that will do the wedding but he is more expensive and give her his number
She isn't going to like it,but last minute thing's happen.

Only you really know the way your feeling now if you can carry this off,even if that's with the aid of diazepam would you manage it ?

The other is tell her you can't and suggest your mate,and free yourself from the stress of it and concentrate on yourself.

Do it soon Steve, hope things start to get better for you soon. Xx

[steveo]

Thanks guys.

All your replies have really put my mind at ease and made alot of sense.

My dad did say he would drive me up and spend the day there with me to support me. I think Bobbydog hit the nail on the head.... if I decide to do it now and then on the day realise I can't do it... then what.....

I'm going to have to contact her asap. It's pressure I don't need right now. I need my diary 100% free!

Thankyou so much guys. Don't know where I'd be without this site and the incredible caring people on here!

xxxx