Owen1980
15-04-13, 06:15
First I just want to say what a great forum this is. I've read quite a few threads and the support I see given here is really touching. I suffer from panic attacks and reading other peoples experiences seems to help me feel better, or at least not alone or like there is something really wrong with me. Because of this I figured i'd share my life experiences with anxiety in case it helps someone else out one day.
I guess the earliest case of anxiety I can remember was towards the end of high school. I'm not sure what the trigger was but almost every day I had to leave class to go to the toilet to be sick. At some point I must have gotten over it or stopped doing it. I'm not sure how or why I got over it. All I can remember is one day I was being sick and the next not.
After school when I was around 20, I had a major panic attack. At the time I didn't know anything about anxiety or what was going on. I couldn't sleep or eat. I felt like I was a danger to everyone around me. At dinner time I would be anxious about knives being on the table because I could possibly hurt someone with them. Eventually I came home from work one day and just broke down in tears infront of my parents. I couldn't handle it anymore. My father took me to see a doctor and he said I was suffering from anxiety. This was a new word to me. He prescribed me some drugs and referred me to a psychologist.
The drugs I refused to take because in my mind, if i'm taking drugs then that's saying there is something wrong with me. I'm a perfectionist so the idea of something being wrong with my makes me automatically panic. Does anyone remember the Anthrax attacks in the US? I received some mail from the US around that time and later had what turned out to be just a big pimple but I panic'd and thought I may have contracted Anthrax and actually went to the local hospital to get checked out. I knew it was the stupidest suggestion ever and was very embarrassing but I was in a panic and I needed the hospital to reassure me I was ok. Crazy huh?
Anyway, I saw a psychologist for one visit who told me that my violent thoughts and fears were normal effects of anxiety and basically just said I had too much stress in my life and not enough good things. Around this time I had a constant headache and felt very down. This went on for probably 3 months or more. Eventually I came good. Like in school, I just woke up one day and didn't think about the anxiety or depression.
Over the next 13 years I had several minor panic attacks. In those cases I was able to just sleep it off and wake up the next day and not think about it.
A few weeks ago though, I had a panic attack whilst at work. I had to lock myself in the toilets for about 30 minutes whilst I was sick. Eventually I got the courage to go back to my desk and for a few minutes I tried to get on with my work but it was to no avail. I had to go home sick. This attack was as scary as the one I had when I was 20. I google'd anxiety and researched it and to my surprise I found many web sites that detailed almost exactly how I was feeling. The fear that i'm going to lose control, the fear that I could hurt someone or myself, the throwing up, the restlessness and the feeling of hopelessness. That made me feel slightly better however I was still in a pretty bad way. I couldn't eat and just thinking about doing things such as answering the front door was enough to make me panic. My biggest fear was returning to work. Not only is that where the attack happened but I was afraid that I could lose my job if I couldn't get this under control.
It took everything I had but I was able to force myself to get up in the morning and go back to work. I started each day by being sick but once I got that out the way I went to work. Whilst at work I was much more calm than I was at home. The fear of being at work is much worse than actually being at work.
After 2 weeks I was on the mend. I was eating again and for the most part felt good. Then last week my boss offered me a 'promotion' .. in his mind its a promotion but it would have actually been less money and more responsibility. Plus it is a role I don't think I would enjoy. This caused me to have another panic attack so now I almost back to square one.
Today is my first day back at work since that panic attack. I woke up at 4am, got out of bed at 5am and was sick. I couldn't eat anything for breakfast. I was sick on the way to the car and I was sick again in the parking lot in the city. Then I was sick again whilst walking to my building. Once I got here though I was much more calm.
I think what works for me is confronting my fears head on. The thought of being at work was terrifying me but once I got here I saw that nothing bad is happening to me. My biggest problem is I have panic attacks about having panic attacks. They have to be the scariest things in the world. Right now, panic attacks are the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning. Until the offer of 'promotion' I had gotten past that but now i'm doing it again.
My recovery plan is to just keep forcing myself to get out of bed and get to work. Face the world and face my fears head on. Even if it means having to throw up every morning. I try to be as positive as I can. As upsetting as it is to be throwing up, when I do I try to think of it as just something I need to get out of the way so I can then get on with the day. Sometimes I find talking about it helps but other times it doesn't. Sometimes when I talk about it I tend to dwell on it instead of thinking positive and trying to get past it. I think the worst thing I can do is dwell on it. When i'm feeling good I don't like being reminded of it.
Hope my experiences help somebody.
I guess the earliest case of anxiety I can remember was towards the end of high school. I'm not sure what the trigger was but almost every day I had to leave class to go to the toilet to be sick. At some point I must have gotten over it or stopped doing it. I'm not sure how or why I got over it. All I can remember is one day I was being sick and the next not.
After school when I was around 20, I had a major panic attack. At the time I didn't know anything about anxiety or what was going on. I couldn't sleep or eat. I felt like I was a danger to everyone around me. At dinner time I would be anxious about knives being on the table because I could possibly hurt someone with them. Eventually I came home from work one day and just broke down in tears infront of my parents. I couldn't handle it anymore. My father took me to see a doctor and he said I was suffering from anxiety. This was a new word to me. He prescribed me some drugs and referred me to a psychologist.
The drugs I refused to take because in my mind, if i'm taking drugs then that's saying there is something wrong with me. I'm a perfectionist so the idea of something being wrong with my makes me automatically panic. Does anyone remember the Anthrax attacks in the US? I received some mail from the US around that time and later had what turned out to be just a big pimple but I panic'd and thought I may have contracted Anthrax and actually went to the local hospital to get checked out. I knew it was the stupidest suggestion ever and was very embarrassing but I was in a panic and I needed the hospital to reassure me I was ok. Crazy huh?
Anyway, I saw a psychologist for one visit who told me that my violent thoughts and fears were normal effects of anxiety and basically just said I had too much stress in my life and not enough good things. Around this time I had a constant headache and felt very down. This went on for probably 3 months or more. Eventually I came good. Like in school, I just woke up one day and didn't think about the anxiety or depression.
Over the next 13 years I had several minor panic attacks. In those cases I was able to just sleep it off and wake up the next day and not think about it.
A few weeks ago though, I had a panic attack whilst at work. I had to lock myself in the toilets for about 30 minutes whilst I was sick. Eventually I got the courage to go back to my desk and for a few minutes I tried to get on with my work but it was to no avail. I had to go home sick. This attack was as scary as the one I had when I was 20. I google'd anxiety and researched it and to my surprise I found many web sites that detailed almost exactly how I was feeling. The fear that i'm going to lose control, the fear that I could hurt someone or myself, the throwing up, the restlessness and the feeling of hopelessness. That made me feel slightly better however I was still in a pretty bad way. I couldn't eat and just thinking about doing things such as answering the front door was enough to make me panic. My biggest fear was returning to work. Not only is that where the attack happened but I was afraid that I could lose my job if I couldn't get this under control.
It took everything I had but I was able to force myself to get up in the morning and go back to work. I started each day by being sick but once I got that out the way I went to work. Whilst at work I was much more calm than I was at home. The fear of being at work is much worse than actually being at work.
After 2 weeks I was on the mend. I was eating again and for the most part felt good. Then last week my boss offered me a 'promotion' .. in his mind its a promotion but it would have actually been less money and more responsibility. Plus it is a role I don't think I would enjoy. This caused me to have another panic attack so now I almost back to square one.
Today is my first day back at work since that panic attack. I woke up at 4am, got out of bed at 5am and was sick. I couldn't eat anything for breakfast. I was sick on the way to the car and I was sick again in the parking lot in the city. Then I was sick again whilst walking to my building. Once I got here though I was much more calm.
I think what works for me is confronting my fears head on. The thought of being at work was terrifying me but once I got here I saw that nothing bad is happening to me. My biggest problem is I have panic attacks about having panic attacks. They have to be the scariest things in the world. Right now, panic attacks are the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning. Until the offer of 'promotion' I had gotten past that but now i'm doing it again.
My recovery plan is to just keep forcing myself to get out of bed and get to work. Face the world and face my fears head on. Even if it means having to throw up every morning. I try to be as positive as I can. As upsetting as it is to be throwing up, when I do I try to think of it as just something I need to get out of the way so I can then get on with the day. Sometimes I find talking about it helps but other times it doesn't. Sometimes when I talk about it I tend to dwell on it instead of thinking positive and trying to get past it. I think the worst thing I can do is dwell on it. When i'm feeling good I don't like being reminded of it.
Hope my experiences help somebody.