I dont know what to do in this situation.

[davidbirch321]

hi there,

sorry this isn't really about panic attacks or anxiety (well kinda is)
but I need advise.

basically when I was watching TV with my mum, i was asking out family names and stuff, i knew her previous surname (before she meet my dad) and i also knew about another surname name she use to have.
i asked about it and she said she was married before she meet my Dad.
I was in a huge state of shock, and didn't say anything but inside was in utter shock.
i am now so worried about this and wondering why nothing has been said for 19 years!!!!!! i understand it would be weird to just one day say it, but i also dont get why i havent found out until now, and it was so casual the way it was said as if it isn't a big deal! (i think it is)

I want to ask about it but i am scared about doing it, just incase its something horrible (previous husband died), (went to prison) anything like that.
I am also worrying that my dad isn't my real dad. (although i think he is)

what shall i do!

is there anyway of looking at marriage records online so i can find out about it!

[Edie]

Marriage certificates are a matter of public record and you can view them at the register office or order copies online.

But I would recommend speaking to your parents about this instead. Just tell your mum you didn't know she'd been married before and ask her about it. If your dad mentioned it casually in front of your mum, then it's obviously not some big secret.

I agree it's a bit odd she never mentioned anything before. But I married young and divorced quickly, and it's not really something I'm proud of. Your mum is probably just a bit embarrassed about making a bad decision.

It feels a big deal because you've learned something surprising about your mum. But I'll bet it's nothing sinister.

[Tessar]

Hey David. I have an aunt who got married very young (you're talking a very long time ago now). Back then it was frowned upon to get divorced, and my family being catholic it didn't go down too well. Anyway, one day. A cousin of mine "let it slip". I must have been about 20 then & like you I was shocked as I had absolutely no idea. Obviously the implications were less for me as it wasn't my parents I had found this out about.
I recall asking my mother then & she didn't really bat an eyelid. She was ok about it, reacting like, oh didn't I tell you that?
I did later talk to my aunt & she explained quite willingly that she had married to get away from home, but the marriage didn't work. She since married my uncle and they spent 45 years together til he died. They have two lovely children (my cousins) & the whole thing was just accepted by them all as being a normal part of life I suppose.
So after initially thinking it was some "family secret", I then discovered that one or two family members couldn't cope with it, but everyone else was fine with it.
I can appreciate why you'd be thinking alot about this & it's only natural that you'd have all sorts running through your mind, I feel that Edie is right in that talking to your Mum is the best way forward.

[underconstumble]

I didnt know either of my parents were married before until I was 16. They were both married before. My Grandma casually mentioned dads previous marriage not working out and I asked mum and she said yeah he was married before and so was I. I think they love each other so much that their lives before they have each other are irrelevant.

[Owen1980]

I agree with everything above. You should ask your mum about it and probably as soon as possible. There is nothing wrong with asking and I am sure she won't mind but the longer you put it off the longer you will dwell on it and get more anxious.

Also as above, there is nothing wrong with her being previously married. It's common these days for marriages not to work out and even if it was due to one of those other reasons that doesn't make any difference to her love for you or your father.

[Tessar]

Hi David, I was thinking about you and wondered if things might have progressed on this at all?