bibliophilic
16-04-13, 02:22
Hello everyone!
I have been dealing with unique (for me, anyway) issues for the past few months. I have gone to several doctors, tried several medications (both prescription and OTC), and used all of my usual relaxation techniques to no avail. I apologize in advance if this turns out to be a long post, but I have a lot of frustrations and I am desperate to see if anyone can relate.
At the beginning of February, I was relaxed and happy and looking forward to my future. I didn't really have much anxiety and I was really optimistic about everything. One night, I was laughing with my boyfriend and I started coughing (sometimes I laugh too hard and it triggers a cough). When I was done coughing, I had a feeling of a tight throat or lump. I figured it would go away and I went to bed.
Well, the next day, it was still there. And really, it hasn't left since! I went to the doctors so many times for the few weeks after that, and I had varying diagnoses: acid reflux, to anxiety, to a neck strain, to plain old "I don't know." I had the scope through my nose and into my throat (yuck), several x-rays of my neck and chest, some basic bloodwork, a modified barium swallow, and an upper endoscopy/EGD. I also had some heart tests done. Everything was fine.
At this point, I normally would be all, "Cool, everything's fine so I can stop worrying about it." The problem is that even when I ignore it, find myself relaxed or focused on other things, it's still there. I feel like I have to consciously control every swallow. I used to feel like I couldn't breathe properly, but I am pretty much used to that by now so it doesn't bother me generally. But the eating and drinking is a HUGE issue. When this started, I literally ate about 200 calories per day, max, and it was all liquid. I lost about 20 pounds in 3 weeks because I wouldn't/couldn't eat. I even felt like water choked me! The doctor I was seeing pretty much just blew me off. The first thing he said to me was, "You know you'll gain the weight back, right?" Thanks!
I've managed to push myself towards eating other foods. I can eat mashed potatoes or macaroni and cheese, but I have to chew everything almost obsessively. And indeed, I think I am becoming obsessive over this. Even though I've tried to expand the foods I can eat, I still have macaroni for almost every meal, and smoothies (but seeds bother me so I have to be careful). The most I've eaten in a day since February was 1,000ish calories.
It's almost like my throat is super sensitive now. After I eat, the food feels like it's stuck in my throat. I tried rice once and I actually found that rice WAS stuck in my throat an hour later. I also have an extreme tightness; initially just in my throat, jaw, and down to my clavicles, but now I get a tightness in my shoulders and upper back, too. I don't know if it's from unintentionally tensing up all the time, or if it's related to an initial muscle strain when I coughed in February--I don't know because no doctor wants to pursue that.
I'm really exhausted. This was supposed to be my last semester of college, and I had to withdraw because I'm just too exhausted. I was going to be heading to graduate school next year, and now that's not happening. I'm tired from not eating enough, and I'm tired from stressing over this, and I feel really guilty because I don't want to be alone when I feel like this and so my boyfriend has pretty much put his life on hold. I was financially supporting my boyfriend for ages before this started, and he hasn't had a job in many years. But because I want him around all the time since February, his father has started sending us nasty messages about how I'm holding him back from getting a job. It makes me feel really bad and worse about being sick. Finally, it's frustrating because my own mother will talk shamelessly about food in front of me, naming all of the delicious foods that I used to eat, then saying things like, "Oops, I forgot!" as she giggles. A few weeks ago, she started talking about how I'll be dead soon from not eating. It's really demoralizing.
I probably sound really bitter. I feel kind of bitter but I'm just frustrated and I want to be okay again. I've tried anti-anxiety medications (which used to always help me--they still help with my brain but the problem remains), medicine for acid reflux, allergy medicine, medicine for mucus..nothing helps. Warm tea to relax my throat, cold beverages to help with swelling. Nothing!
If it had just randomly started, I'd probably be a lot less scared. I want to think it's "just" anxiety. But because it started after I coughed, I'm afraid I pulled something or broke something or did something that needs actual treatment. The doctors I've been to basically brush me off and don't really listen to me. Or, like I said earlier, tell me I'll just gain the weight back someday. (Which would be great! I'm still losing weight and I'm tired of not having pants that fit!)
Sorry for the manifesto! I feel alone. I feel abandoned by the medical profession (dramatic, right?), and most of my friends distanced themselves after I could no longer go out to eat with them. My boyfriend throws himself into video games and I'm tired of trying to bother him with my problems. I'm starting counseling on Thursday, but I feel like I'll never be able to eat anything again. I'm only 24 and I don't want to live the rest of my life eating macaroni and smoothies. My mother didn't get me an Easter basket and I couldn't eat Easter dinner, which was supersupersuper demoralizing to me.
So, has anybody ever experienced this kind of problem? Physically doing something that strains your throat or neck muscles and then you can't really swallow anything? I just want to know that I'm not the only person who has ever had this happen!
And if you haven't had this sort of thing happen, what kind of advice do you have to get through these hopeless feelings?
Thank you so much! xox
I have been dealing with unique (for me, anyway) issues for the past few months. I have gone to several doctors, tried several medications (both prescription and OTC), and used all of my usual relaxation techniques to no avail. I apologize in advance if this turns out to be a long post, but I have a lot of frustrations and I am desperate to see if anyone can relate.
At the beginning of February, I was relaxed and happy and looking forward to my future. I didn't really have much anxiety and I was really optimistic about everything. One night, I was laughing with my boyfriend and I started coughing (sometimes I laugh too hard and it triggers a cough). When I was done coughing, I had a feeling of a tight throat or lump. I figured it would go away and I went to bed.
Well, the next day, it was still there. And really, it hasn't left since! I went to the doctors so many times for the few weeks after that, and I had varying diagnoses: acid reflux, to anxiety, to a neck strain, to plain old "I don't know." I had the scope through my nose and into my throat (yuck), several x-rays of my neck and chest, some basic bloodwork, a modified barium swallow, and an upper endoscopy/EGD. I also had some heart tests done. Everything was fine.
At this point, I normally would be all, "Cool, everything's fine so I can stop worrying about it." The problem is that even when I ignore it, find myself relaxed or focused on other things, it's still there. I feel like I have to consciously control every swallow. I used to feel like I couldn't breathe properly, but I am pretty much used to that by now so it doesn't bother me generally. But the eating and drinking is a HUGE issue. When this started, I literally ate about 200 calories per day, max, and it was all liquid. I lost about 20 pounds in 3 weeks because I wouldn't/couldn't eat. I even felt like water choked me! The doctor I was seeing pretty much just blew me off. The first thing he said to me was, "You know you'll gain the weight back, right?" Thanks!
I've managed to push myself towards eating other foods. I can eat mashed potatoes or macaroni and cheese, but I have to chew everything almost obsessively. And indeed, I think I am becoming obsessive over this. Even though I've tried to expand the foods I can eat, I still have macaroni for almost every meal, and smoothies (but seeds bother me so I have to be careful). The most I've eaten in a day since February was 1,000ish calories.
It's almost like my throat is super sensitive now. After I eat, the food feels like it's stuck in my throat. I tried rice once and I actually found that rice WAS stuck in my throat an hour later. I also have an extreme tightness; initially just in my throat, jaw, and down to my clavicles, but now I get a tightness in my shoulders and upper back, too. I don't know if it's from unintentionally tensing up all the time, or if it's related to an initial muscle strain when I coughed in February--I don't know because no doctor wants to pursue that.
I'm really exhausted. This was supposed to be my last semester of college, and I had to withdraw because I'm just too exhausted. I was going to be heading to graduate school next year, and now that's not happening. I'm tired from not eating enough, and I'm tired from stressing over this, and I feel really guilty because I don't want to be alone when I feel like this and so my boyfriend has pretty much put his life on hold. I was financially supporting my boyfriend for ages before this started, and he hasn't had a job in many years. But because I want him around all the time since February, his father has started sending us nasty messages about how I'm holding him back from getting a job. It makes me feel really bad and worse about being sick. Finally, it's frustrating because my own mother will talk shamelessly about food in front of me, naming all of the delicious foods that I used to eat, then saying things like, "Oops, I forgot!" as she giggles. A few weeks ago, she started talking about how I'll be dead soon from not eating. It's really demoralizing.
I probably sound really bitter. I feel kind of bitter but I'm just frustrated and I want to be okay again. I've tried anti-anxiety medications (which used to always help me--they still help with my brain but the problem remains), medicine for acid reflux, allergy medicine, medicine for mucus..nothing helps. Warm tea to relax my throat, cold beverages to help with swelling. Nothing!
If it had just randomly started, I'd probably be a lot less scared. I want to think it's "just" anxiety. But because it started after I coughed, I'm afraid I pulled something or broke something or did something that needs actual treatment. The doctors I've been to basically brush me off and don't really listen to me. Or, like I said earlier, tell me I'll just gain the weight back someday. (Which would be great! I'm still losing weight and I'm tired of not having pants that fit!)
Sorry for the manifesto! I feel alone. I feel abandoned by the medical profession (dramatic, right?), and most of my friends distanced themselves after I could no longer go out to eat with them. My boyfriend throws himself into video games and I'm tired of trying to bother him with my problems. I'm starting counseling on Thursday, but I feel like I'll never be able to eat anything again. I'm only 24 and I don't want to live the rest of my life eating macaroni and smoothies. My mother didn't get me an Easter basket and I couldn't eat Easter dinner, which was supersupersuper demoralizing to me.
So, has anybody ever experienced this kind of problem? Physically doing something that strains your throat or neck muscles and then you can't really swallow anything? I just want to know that I'm not the only person who has ever had this happen!
And if you haven't had this sort of thing happen, what kind of advice do you have to get through these hopeless feelings?
Thank you so much! xox