Hi from Australia - new to the forum

[k1982]

Just posted something similar elsewhere on the forum, but here goes again. I've come on here because I can really use the support at this time, I'm having tough time with panic and anxiety.

I'm currently struggling really badly with derealization/dissocation/anxiety. It's happened to me before, but it started up again about 3 weeks ago, when I had a few days of bad headaches.

I'm a doctor, and as such my mind jumps to all kind of weird and terrible diseases. I started to get anxious and worried about the headaches, to the point where I had a bad panic attack and then developed derealization for a few days. I was slowly getting better, but did not feel completely back to normal, then 4 nights ago I started googling things whilst studying - for example CJD (mad cow disease). I had a full blown panic attack, as I read that derealization/anxiety can be a symptom of CJD. I know it is not logical, and I live in Australia, so the risk is so small. I am having a very difficult time not panicking most of the day, I feel like I am dying, and I feel like I am losing my mind to the point where I spend all day asking my husband to quiz me so I can test my memory (which objectively is fine). I've got a history of health anxiety, but I haven't had a panic attack or derealization etc for a long time.

I've previously had derealization/dissocation about 15 years ago (i'm 30 now), after panicking about brain tumors. It lasted for about a year, but I was able to live with it, and eventually things became normal again.

I'm having a hard time controlling my anxiety, because whenever I convince myself that this is all because of my anxiety over my headaches, I then start thinking that CJD can cause anxiety and I panic again. I still have mild headaches, and feel like I have pins and needles in my throat and on my tongue. I feel like I am clumsy and my eye sight is going, but when I test these things by balancing, etc, they are fine.

I've just started back on citalopram 3 days ago, and I am seeing a psychologist on Wednesday. It's just really hard to keep going at the moment - I am terrified that tomorrow I will wake up worse, and every day I am slowly slipping away. I'm most terrifed that these feelings of anxiety/derealization are symptoms of CJD and I don't want to die or lose my mind. I feel like I won't be OK this time, and I am struggling to cope.

[shaka]

Hi K1982 :welcome: You have come to the right place.

[StaffordEd]

Hi K1982

Welcome.

Your are no longer alone but with genuine people who care because they are going through the same as you. Unless you are a sufferer or some one who specialises in this type of disorder people just do not understand.

I have only been on this site for a few days and already just reading the reviews is helping me to deal with my anxiety. My wife had a similar problem and she has been on citlopram and Mirtazapine for a number of years. Although it controls her condition she fears coming off the tablets.

I started just before Christmas and want to try Cognative Theropy before resorting to pills. I am a great believer in that controlling the mind is the key to all this. You may be aware of CBT but I list below an extract from Wikipedia

Cognitive therapy (CT) is a type of psychotherapy developed by American psychiatrist Aaron T. Beck. CT is one of the therapeutic approaches within the larger group of cognitive behavioral therapies (CBT) and was first expounded by Beck in the 1960s. Cognitive therapy seeks to help the patient overcome difficulties by identifying and changing dysfunctional thinking, behavior, and emotional responses. This involves helping patients develop skills for modifying beliefs, identifying distorted thinking, relating to others in different ways, and changing behaviors.[1] Treatment is based on collaboration between patient and therapist and on testing beliefs. Therapy may consist of testing the assumptions which one makes and identifying how certain of one's usually unquestioned thoughts are distorted, unrealistic and unhelpful. Once those thoughts have been challenged, one's feelings about the subject matter of those thoughts are more easily subject to change. Beck initially focused on depression and developed a list of "errors" in thinking that he proposed could maintain depression, including arbitrary inference, selective abstraction, over-generalization, and magnification (of negatives) and minimization (of positives).
An example of how CT works is this: having made a mistake at work, a man may believe, "I'm useless and can't do anything right at work." Strongly believing this then tends to worsen his mood. The problem may be worsened further if the individual reacts by avoiding activities and then behaviorally confirming the negative belief to himself. As a result, any adaptive response and further constructive consequences become unlikely, which reinforces the original belief of being "useless." In therapy, this example could be identified as a self-fulfilling prophecy or "problem cycle," and the efforts of the therapist and client would be directed at working together to change it. This is done by addressing the way the client thinks and behaves in response to similar situations and by developing more flexible ways to think and respond, including reducing the avoidance of activities and the practicing of positive activities (called Mood repair strategies). If, as a result, the patient escapes the negative thought patterns and dysfunctional behaviors, the negative feelings may be relieved over time.


Good luck I hope this site helps you find a solution right for you.

Regards

Edd

[CarrieOn]

Hi K :)

You sound a lot like me ... for better or worse! lol

My biggest worry is CJD and it can make it really hard to focus at times, and then I go into a cycle where I get worried that not being able to focus is a symtom of CJD! It just goes round and round.

I was doing pretty well actually ... I had been on Lexapro since a teenager, but stopped taking it in my 20s. Just this past week though my anxiety has come back in a big way. I think it might have been triggered by long hours and stress at work? Anyway, now I'm sure I have a brain tumour or CJD or a motor neuron disorder or something that's messing me up and I can't think straight.

The really dumb thing is that it's CJD I worry about the most ... and I've been a vegetarian literally my whole life. I had a chicken nugget ONCE.

Anyway, I guess I wanted to tell you that you're not alone, and reading your post helped me know that I'm not alone, too. Sounds like you are taking steps to get better ( which I need to do, but I hate seeing the doctor!!!) and hopefully this forum can help both of us :)

[k1982]

Thanks for the responses! It's nice to know that I am not alone, these feelings are so awful and foreign and it helps to be reminded that I am not the only one suffering this.

Having a bit of a difficult day today - swinging between near panic and being ok. I feel like my mind is empty, but I did an exam this morning and managed to remember most of the things I had studied. Mostly I feel like I am half here and fading away, and tomorrow my mind will be even less than it is today. I've also been having tingling on my tongue, and on one foot, which of course has me convinced again that I have a neurological problem.

It's so frustrating, I just want to get better, but I feel like my mind is fading away and my brain is being destroyed by something. I feel like I can't function - I am at work at the moment, and I feel like I don't know how to get to my office or anything, that I won't know the way home when I leave (although I have had no trouble forgetting anything really).

[CarrieOn]

Hey K :)
Sounds like you are doing OK on the outside but not the inside? Sometimes I'm amazed at the things that I can accomplish at work when it feels like my brain is rotting from the inside.
When I can manage it, what helps me most is focusing on just the moment in front of me and not whatever is in the future. Do you know the musical Rent? there's a lyric from it about "there's only this, only tonight," which is a bit cheesy but I try to think that and breath in and out. Doesn't work so well when it's morning, of course! lol
Try to pay attention to what you are doing well, rather than what you fear you cannot do.

And your tingling foot is nothing, honey!! lol
I am the same, but hopefully it helps to hear someone else say it :)

[hanshan]

Hello from Japan (but I'm really from Australia),

It must be really hard when you are the person people look to for medical advice, and you are suffering this.

As you know, the chance of you developing CJD is about one in a million people per year, actually even less because you are 30 years younger than the average age of onset. But health anxiety beats logic.

You are working and studying for exams, which must involve a lot of pressure and (justifiable) anxiety. Does that have anything to do with setting off your health anxiety? Will things get better when the exams are over?

I've had moments of emptiness and terror, feeling I'm crazy to come to Japan and try to learn Japanese. I try to tell myself that that's normal, even necessary, when taking on something new and challenging. Plus, my medications (mirtazapine and pregabalin) have helped a lot in keeping my particular genies in their bottles.

[Lilharry]

Welcome! Have a go at this online module I've been recommending to everyone - it's really great and has helped me a lot of with my health anxiety, it's actually from an aussie website http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=53

[StaffordEd]

Hi K1982

I remember 40 years ago ( yes I can remember that far back just can not remember what happened yesterday!!! ) when I was doing exams I would look around and every one seemed happy but I felt that I was in a very different place. I would sit at the exam desk waiting for the paper and as they were being given out I would begin to sweat and I would be gasping for air. ( got some very odd looks as I looked like a fish out of water gasping ) as soon as the paper hit my desk my heart pounded like a big base drum. In my mind i would scream either lets get the hell out of here or start the exam now before I explode. As soon as the exam started normality was regained. These attacks only happened on day of exam. After all exams finished I never experienced those feelings again until now and I am now 58.

Still trying to work out what is causing today's problem. But I know I will get there and so will you.

Stay positive ( i know that can be hard )

Just remember you are not losing your mind you have temporarily lost control of it and that is the most important part to remember. At some point you will regain its control and life will be so much better. You may need expert help in teaching you how to regain that control. C.B.T.

Best wishes

Ed (U.K.)

[rollergirl]

HI. Sorry you are having a hard time. It really is like a living hell isnt it?? I too am from Australia 37 yr old female. Im not so good with words and dont know if I can help but just wanted you to know you're not alone. Your post resonated so closely to my own feelings that it almost made me cry. I too have a tingling foot when I sit at my desk for the past month or two, but ony in my work boots and only when I'm sitting at my desk!!! So my dread is that I have MS!! My chiropractor insists I do not have it and that he wouldl know as I would show other signs that he would see. He knows about my health anxiety and we are light hearted about it and he said "I wont tell you what those signs are, becasue you'll imagine you have them for sure". He's very funny. But even a medical professional telling me he doesnt believe I have any signs of it doesnt stop me believing I do!!! So how do we win...right?? The dissociation from life and reality and the feeling of being detached and like a walking zombie are VERY, VERY common amongst anxiety and depression sufferers. I've had all of it. I really do hope you find your way out and can enjoy life again. I wish that for all of us. Try to live in the moment when all is fine and you're not ill or dying, then start to string lots of those moments together and all of a sudden you've gone a whoe day being OK!! lol. Good luck and take care. xo

[k1982]

Thank you everyone for your lovely posts and advice!

Today is probably the worst I have been, I feel like I am barely hanging in there. I feel like tomorrow I will be totally disconnected from the world. I feel so depressed now, I feel like I cannot function, I can't plan for anything, and there is no way out. I just feel surrounded by blackness. I don't see how I can come out of this. I feel like my memory is gone, and everything I know feels so distant.

And worst of all, the fact that I have gotten worse has just convinced me that I have a neurological disease and I am losing my mind, and I will never recover, and this is the end.

[ChristopherT]

Hey K. How are you? I'm not a doctor, but I respect that, and my dad best mate is a doctor, and my younger brother is studying to be a doctor, so it makes me realise, we are all human.

I feel for you, I felt very simalar these last months. But if you asked me today, I don't feel like that. You reminded me... I felt I was losing touch, or I might have some mental disease, like dimentia or something. The worrying, seems to make it worse, rather then better and convince yourself of something.

Have you tried any medication? Not that I am recommending any. These last few months I tried Ritalin... It made me feel smarter, and I thought I could solve all kinds of problems, from social, to health, to anything. The problem was I would think too much into it. I can only guess that's similar to where your brain is.

I'm actually taking Prozac now, have been for 30 days. I've been writing my daily blog on this site. As people we are probably very different, but I can relate to your thoughts about health, and getting carried away, to the point where it's really scary. Imagine, thinking you will have dimentia.. Awful. Anyway, I can't attest to this medicine Prozac's long term benefits, but it seems as though it's working for me in some way. But there must be other ways you can also relax if you need to.. I like swimming at the beach, and watching a good movie. Anyway good luck to you, as you can see in this forum, you are not alone... But like I said, I think the worrying just makes it worse.

[hanshan]

Hi K,

I don't want to put myself into the position of giving medical advice to a doctor (I teach English), but all those statements you posted ("so depressed now, I feel like I cannot function, I can't plan for anything, and there is no way out. I just feel surrounded by blackness. I don't see how I can come out of this. I feel like my memory is gone, and everything I know feels so distant") are indicative of an acute anxiety/depression crisis which needs immediate care.

Is there another medical practitioner close by that you know, trust and can talk to? You will probably find that many people in your profession experience crises such as this.

If not, and I'm not the doctor, I'd recommend a benzodiazepine like lorazepam to bring anxiety down to manageable levels.

Take care.

[Janvi]

Hello,

Welcome. I am from Mauritius. Even I started to suffer from pannick attacks/Anxiety15 years ago. Im 33 now. Just be brave. You will get loads of advice here :welcome: