View Full Version : BF is Losing his Patience with me :/
Hi all,
New to this forum but wanted to post something because I realise that I have been putting all my anxiety on my boyfriend. Recently I have been so worried about having a life-threatening illness that it's literally all I can think about, and that means it's all I can talk about :/
My BF has been helpful and supportive in the past, but my anxiety recently has really shot through the roof to the point that I feel like every day is going to be my last and all I can think about is how I am going to die tomorrow. I am teary all the time and I have tried keeping how I feel inside but it just doesn't work ... I can't concentrate on anything because it feels like my brain is just fading away :/
So obviously this has put some strain on our relationship and I am trying to get better as quickly as possible so that I don't stress him out any more, but it's really hard.
We were talking about having kids together, but we had a big fight tonight and he said he wasn't sure if I would be able to handle being a mum :(
The part of me that thinks I am sick doesn't think I'll ever get the chance anyway, but the not-crazy part really wants kids and I really want them with him, so this is NOT GOOD.
He is sleeping on the couch tonight, which has literally never happened to us before.
I just don't know what to do. I need his help but I think I'm putting too much pressure/craziness on him. Does anyone have tips about how to deal with handling anxiety with a partner? How can I share my burden without overloading him?
I feel really lost right now :(
Sorry I have no answers to this, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone. My husband is so fed up with me as I am exactly like you. He is telling me to get a grip as I am no good to him and my children like this. That really didnt help me, I even had to drive myself to a&e at midnight last night. Like you I feel really alone and lost right now. Any advice would be great :hugs:
Ugh, sorry ATS. I have to remind myself that he does not know what this is like. Maybe I need to find another way to explain it. Still glad to know we are not alone. Xx
It is very hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it what it is like and how it makes you feel. I have had it since 9years old (35 now), but last year it came back with a vengeance, found this site really helpful though xx
Yeah, dealing with it myself is one thing, knowing how to manage it within my relationship is something else though ... I hate that I am bringing him down and putting this big barrier between us :(
Wish I knew what to do to make it better, other than just GET BETTER myself ... but not sure how to do that, either ... ugh
I really feel like I need him in order to make it through this, but I can't make things worse by relying on him either ... really hope someone out there has some advice.
It was hard enough to sleep when I was just panicing and feeling strange. It's harder to do it without my BF to cuddle with :(
Hey, I have a similar issue... I was driving my partner crazy with my anxiety, he says it's ruining our relationship etc and that I need to learn how to deal with it etc etc... which is not really what I wanted from him, guess I was looking for some support which I have never really gotten from him as he does not have a clue what I am going through, and just makes me feel worse by getting angry at me.
Well over the past few months I have been dealing with my anxiety much better and have been feeling pretty happy, and now turns out we think my partner has bipolar as he gets severe mood swings for no reason, he questions our relationship when he is down and acts really cols towards me, if I show him any affection he gets mad :/ I'm finding it really hard to deal with and it it making me really anxious and depressed at the moment. But I would say that if your partner is a generally happy and loving person that will help you a lot, and if they are willing to listen and help you in any way then that is a step forward. But usually they think we are being stupid and over the top.. but hey we can't help it!
Ways I deal with my anxiety:
My hobbies
Painting (although can only do this when feel happy)
Forums
Buying things on net (prob a bad thing but it makes me feel happy)
Setting myself a goal: a project of some kind e.g learning to use a sewing machine and alter all my clothes
I hope you are ok and I kind of know what you are going through. And I too hate it when my partner sleeps on the couch, I feel so anxious I cant sleep, feels like my blood is boiling and get palpitations etc. Hate it.
Hugs :-)
---------- Post added at 15:09 ---------- Previous post was at 15:08 ----------
Hey, I have a similar issue... I was driving my partner crazy with my anxiety, he says it's ruining our relationship etc and that I need to learn how to deal with it etc etc... which is not really what I wanted from him, guess I was looking for some support which I have never really gotten from him as he does not have a clue what I am going through, and just makes me feel worse by getting angry at me.
Well over the past few months I have been dealing with my anxiety much better and have been feeling pretty happy, and now turns out we think my partner has bipolar as he gets severe mood swings for no reason, he questions our relationship when he is down and acts really cols towards me, if I show him any affection he gets mad :/ I'm finding it really hard to deal with and it it making me really anxious and depressed at the moment. But I would say that if your partner is a generally happy and loving person that will help you a lot, and if they are willing to listen and help you in any way then that is a step forward. But usually they think we are being stupid and over the top.. but hey we can't help it!
Ways I deal with my anxiety:
My hobbies
Painting (although can only do this when feel happy)
Forums
Buying things on net (prob a bad thing but it makes me feel happy)
Setting myself a goal: a project of some kind e.g learning to use a sewing machine and alter all my clothes
I hope you are ok and I kind of know what you are going through. And I too hate it when my partner sleeps on the couch, I feel so anxious I cant sleep, feels like my blood is boiling and get palpitations etc. Hate it.
Hugs :-)
panicperson
16-04-13, 22:45
Hi all. I'm new on the site but thought I'd add how I also believe my husband is fed up with my worries/anxiety around my health.
I find that I constantly worry about the next "illness" I will have. Currently I believe I have. dVT with a PE.
I fly away soon and no inched I will die on the plan!
thanks for the replies everyone. today is another hard day but I am trying to make it through <3
Hey CarrieOn,
I hope today is kinder to you. I know what you are going through, my husband is also someone who struggles with my anxiety. It's so difficult, because I want to lean on him when the anxiety is really bad and I feel like I can't cope, but he is getting sick of it. He is not someone who has anxiety, and thinks the things I am worried about are ridiculous. He can't understand why I feel like I am about to die, lose my mind, etc, when I seem normal to him.
I think this forum will be a good way to share your burden, without overburdening your partner. What I try to do is show my husband that I am working really hard to get better, and remind him that I am thankful for him.
It's such a hard thing though, I wish I had better answers for you!
Hi K!
Thanks for the response :)
The hard thing is knowing how much is OK to lean and how much is too much. My BF told me today that it is difficult for him bc he feels like all we ever talk about is my anxiety and that it doesn't really feel like an equal relationship. He said he feels like my "caretaker or my psychiatrist instead of my lover" UGH
I don't WANT him to be my psychiatrist , and I certainly don't think ALL we talk about is my anxiety ... but I guess I do talk about it a lot. Even when we are talking about something else he says that he can tell that I'm not really focusing.
Anyway, we were supposed to have dinner together tonight but he said he is going to be too busy at work. His work has been busy lately, but I think it has more to do with me tiring him out from my worrying. We have a trip away coming up this weekend that is PAID FOR (I know him, he won't back out of that lol) so hopefully we can reconcile then. I will try to do what you suggested and make sure he can see that I am working really hard to get my head together. I guess that means I probably should make an appointment with a psychologist, so I can say "see, you're not my doctor, this person I have an appointment with is!" lol... I hate making appointments, though. ugh
It's funny that you say that your hubby has a hard time understanding how you feel when you SEEM normal to him -- a lot of the time that's what I want my BF to say: that I am normal and not acting strange. Sometimes I feel like I should be frothing at the mouth lol ok maybe not really, but still -- having him say that I am acting OK really helps.
Part of my problem is that my job means I am alone most of the day, so I spend a lot of time in my head, and when I get home I just want to vomit it all up. I am promising myself that I will try to be better with that. Need to come up with some strategies.
Just venting on here is a good start though I guess :)
Just thought I would post an update --
So I guess I have two problems. One is my anxiety, and the other is my relationship. They just seem to be making each other worse though :(
I got a nice e-card from the BF saying that he was sorry for cancelling dinner and he would make it up to me on the weekend (yay!) but when he finally came home from work I was so scared to talk to him about my problems and he didn't ask either. It was all I could think about though, so I just kept my mouth shut for the most part. He just played video games for a while for a long time after I went to bed. It felt like we were just two people living in the same house instead of BF & GF.
At least he didn't sleep on the couch that night but he came to bed really late and I didn't sleep well. It made me mad too, because if he is supposed to be so busy at work how can he have time to play VGs until all hours at the night? I never sleep well when he is not in bed with me :(
So between the not sleeping and getting stressed about "us," I had a really bad day yesterday at work. Like really really really bad. Convinced myself that my life was never going to get better or get normal and that I had already lost brain function from a disease and that I was never going to have a good life again.
I actually convinced myself that I could not drive home from work :/
I just stayed in my office after everyone else left curled up in a ball on my chair. I was so scared that I was having an aneurysm and would be found like that the next morning. I thought it would be bad to call my BF for help so I didn't for a long time...
but I just worked myself into more of a panic and by the time I called him up I was so completely a mess, just sobbing into the phone, not even really saying words. He sounded really worried at first, and then I think he started getting angry ... so I pretended I had called the wrong number and hung up!!
I took some deep breaths and called one of my girlfriends, my sister-in-law, actually. I was able to calm myself down a little bit in order to talk to her, I guess because it would have been to embarrassing to talk to her otherwise, but it was really really good to talk to her. I just said that I was scared and needed a ride home from work. She has kids, but my brother was home and could look after them, so she came to get me.
We actually ended up just talking in my office for an hour and I told her I was really struggling with anxiety. She told me that she could help me see a psychologist, and that maybe my BF needed someone to talk to also, cuz maybe he didn't know how to deal with how I was acting and didn't know what was right to do. So maybe my brother will have a talk to him.
What was really good was that she said she had anxiety too sometimes, especially when she was trying to get pregnant cuz she was so worried that she would be a bad mum or that her kids would be sick or the pregnancy would go bad. it was soooo good to hear her say those things bc I think she is a really good mum. Some of her stories about her anxiety were soooo funny, too. I could relate to them a lot, but some of them were really crazy and funny. Her problems are different than mine, but kind of the same in some ways.
It was just good to have a laugh and to feel like I wasn't alone. I was actually able to drive home fine after that, and I felt like things were going to be OK
BF didn't come home until late again, though ... and we had a BIG fight this morning, which then sent me off googling again, but I was able to stop before it got too bad, and I came here instead. That helps. I hope I can fix all of this before it gets much worse though. Suggestions or hugs are appreciated xx
I hope you are doing OK, sounds like you had such a tough time last night. I think that calling your sister in law was the best thing you could have done, and seems like it helped a lot!
I think it's a great idea if your BF could talk to someone as well, and I'm sure it would help him too.
There is nothing harder that trying to manage your anxiety and deal with maintaining your relationship at the same time. Last week when my derealization/memory worries weren't as bad, I was mainly very teary and worried that something was wrong with my relationship, and that my husband was being distant. And I kept being overemotional and asking him all the time what was wrong, and we had a few fights - which made me more anxious!
It's so hard because when you are feeling so anxious/sad, all you want to do is to share the burden and have some help you to make it OK, but then you worry about the pressure that you are putting on the other person, which stresses you out, causes problems and makes things worse. It's a vicious cycle!
I think you are doing all the right things and trying hard to get better, and I think that both of you talking to someone is the best next step.
I hope that today has been a better day for you! xx
Hiya just wanted to say I'm in a similar situation so I know how it feels although I've been a lot better recently before I ring my boyfriend in a panic now I write down what's worrying me and work out how realistic it is I'm doing Cbt with has really helped if u can do that it's worth it it shows you how to think more realistically and don't google !!!! I forced myself to stop was hard at first but 3 weeks on I haven't done it and all the symptoms I have been getting have lessoned a lot ! It's also really important to set aside worry time so I have an hour a night where I write everything down but promise myself I won't worry Allday until its time which in itself will calm your anxiety . With your boyfriend try and say for this hour I'm going n to talk about normal things even though its hard mine is so much happier now I don't talk about anxiety 24 7 it exhausted me aswel !and definitely try and talk to friends about it as its hard to put all that pressure on one person I started talking to my best friend and it really cheered me up :) Hope this might help a little x
Hi guys!
Thanks for the responses ... they really help me :)
K, yes, I do the same thing -- worry all the time and then talk to my BF and then worry about how much I've been worrying to him! Arrrrgh must stopppp!! lol I hope you and your husband aren't fighting too much though... I hate fighting! :(
Lashes, sounds like you are doing really well with not googling and setting aside specific times to worry. I am gonna try those things this week. I'm also going to try and look up CBT stuff cuz I see it mentioned here so much. I have an appointment with a psychologist who specialises in that, too, so that will help I hope.
Ok, so we went away this weekend and I had really been looking forward to it when we planned it ages ago, but of course I was a mess! I was so worried that we would go away and I would never come back!! But BF got me in the car somehow, and off we went to the beach! We've been to this place lots of times before and usually I find it so calming and relaxing, but I'm such a ball of nerves right now that it made it hard for me to enjoy it, but I tried my best! Trying to relax isn't very easy! lol
The good thing is that at least BF and I got to have time to talk about US. My brother had a chat with him (I think on Friday?), and I don't know if it was that, or just being away from work or, something else, but he was a lot nicer to me on the trip than he has been for a while.
I think up until this point he had kinda thought that I was just being stupid and I could think my way out of being worried if I really tried, but he told me this weekend that he could tell that what I was going through was more than that. It was also heaps good to hear him say that he DIDN'T really know what I was going through -- usually when we fight he says he knows EXACTLY how I feel and that when it happens to him he can just change his feelings. Just nice to hear him admit that he doesn't have all the answers for a change lol
He was actually really sweet saying taht he was gonna look up more information on what I was going through and try to understand it better so he can help me. I told him I would do my best to help me, too. Like you guys said, I think showing him that I was really going to try made him feel a lot better. I also guess I haven't been showing him that I appreciate him much lately though ...
I found out a couple of things that had been bothering him that I dind't know about. For one, I guess I had really not been doing the chores and stuff around the house I usually do. I just find it hard to do anything that I don't HAVE to do cuz I'm so frightened all the time, but it's not very nice that he has to do all the washing and dishes and ironing and everything. I knew that I'd been a bit slack but I dind't realise how bad, or how much it was bothering him. He was basically a slob before he met me so I didn't think how the house looked mattered to him!! lol But he said that it made him feel like i'd checked out of the relationship ... wow! I was kinda mad at him, but ... he was being really sweet and nice to me when he said it. I dunno, I think maybe he has a point, cuz there are little things that I want him to do that make me feel like I'M important to him, too, like he used to wash my car every week for me and he used to make a coffee for me in the morning but he kinda stopped doing those things because I wasn't doing anything for him either. It's just that I've been so sad and stressed out that I didn't notice.
Plus, there was some, uh, bedroom stuff that we talked about, but I think that might be a little TMI for this forum!! I kinda want to talk to someone about it, though ... does anyone know of any good forums to talk about stuff that aren't too weird? I'm a little afraid to go looking myself (and there's NO WAY I'm going to talk about that kind of thing with my GFs!! :P Not my style lol)
So anyway, I'm going to try harder at being a good girlfriend/wifey for him and just do a few little things that show him that I love him, despite feeling like my world is collapsing most of the time. He said he'll try to come to bed more, too, which will really help me, and to be more patient with my worries since he knows how hard it is for me when I think I'm falling apart all the time. I hope I can get better for him. And for me too LOL!!
In the end I am glad that we went away, just because we got to talk. It didn't really soothe my anxiety being at the beach ... if anything, it just gave me more to think about because I didn't have work and stuff, but I feel like things are going better with BF so that is a start at least!
any tips of advice are welcome ... things I can do to make things better or things I can ask him to do for me. at least we are talking about this problem now so I don't feel as alone as before.
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