Asking loved ones constantly if they are ok?

[captain-savvy]

Hey folks,

I'm back and posting again. :) This time with a rather random question. I constantly find myself asking loved ones if they are ok- especially my mother and husband, both who I live with. I mean like every 10 or 15 minutes, or sometimes more often. It really gets on their nerves but I feel like I have to ask them (as though if I don't, something WILL be wrong or that keeping quiet would mean I don't care), and it takes a huge effort to keep my mouth closed and not let the question slip out. I'm always worrying that they're not ok, even when I can see plain as day that they are... so I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else does this or if its just my own quirk. :shrug:

[k1982]

I do this too, and it drives my husband crazy!

[almamatters]

I do this constantly , why I have no idea, especially when the person I am asking is sitting in the same room as me, so they obviously are ok. I often wonder if it is just a nervous reaction thing, like when a room is very quiet I often feel the need to just chatter about nothing.

[Tessar]

I may not do it with the same frequency, but I do it far more frequently than my partner does. My trouble is that if I "sense" they aren't quite right then I usually assume its down to me and so I feel the need to try and out it right. If the first time I ask they say they are ok, if I don't feel they seem happy a bit later I will ask them again. It has enforce now reached the point where I've had to say "ok I won't ask again" and we actually laugh about it because of the way I can be.

Oh, the reason I do it I am sure is, when I was growing up, my mother always felt like the most important person in the world to me (I was in a big family so getting attention or being noticed wasn't easy). I became really sensitive to my mothers needs and to her mood. It was critical to me that she was ok because I knew if she wasn't, then what little attention. Did get was going to be even less than usual. I used to get pretty anxious about it sometimes.

I do this another way as well. At work sometimes I feel I just have to keep talking to my colleagues sometimes, like I feel I need the connection with them. Again I can be very sensitive to their mood. I hate it if any of them are down or unwell. I think it just makes me feel insecure. I have to remind myself sometimes to stop chattering and just be happy I am in the company of nice kind people.

[frosty2901]

hi i am constatnly asking my husband if hes ok if he makes a funny noise like a hicup i ask if hes ok and if hes quiet i ask if hes ok lol its the fear of him not being ok that botheres me more than anything but i bet he would say hes ok even if hes not just to reasure me lol
frosty x

[Coppernob]

Oh I can relate to this! Especially since my husband had a mild heart attack 4 years ago! I would lie in bed and try to make sure he was breathing, and constantly asked how he felt. If he has the slightest problem now I do it too, and it drives him mad. If he goes into a 'man mood' I know I just have to wait for him to rejoin the human race, but I can't leave it alone and have to keep finding out what's the matter.

If any of you have read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' you will know about men 'going into their caves' periodically, and you just have to leave them alone till they emerge - but I have to keep trying to get into the cave :wacko:

[captain-savvy]

I'm glad to know I'm not alone! I've been making an effort to stop asking them all the time if they're ok, but I still slip up. Tessar, I'm also very sensitive to the moods of others. I also get anxious about it and often I'll assume they're upset or unhappy when they're not. I just convince myself they are and then I believe that they're not being honest with me. It sounds really extreme when I type it out like this!

When people around me are upset/worried/down, it always affects me. Even Someone else's bad mood can put me into full anxiety mode...

[Tessar]

Hey Capt. that all sounds VERY familiar to me......
CBT helped me alot with all that sort of thing... I do still have to try & recognise when i'm being unrealistic. I find myself imagining that my partner's not happy with me - we've been together 17 years so you'd think I'd have this sorted by now!
Before CBT, I got so bad at work I really did think some of my colleagues were out to get me. I reached a stage one short of paranoia I reckon. It sounds far-fetched but it was only once I got things on a more even keel I was able to see how bad I had been.
I know I posted something on NMP about feeling that my partner wasnt happy with me & that I was reading things into what they said to me..... someone pointed out to me that it's best not to read their mind because often, people do things (or might be quiet etc) for no reason at all. Actually when it comes to doing or saying things, maybe their just being kind. Since then I've tried really hard not to overreact. It has helped.
I try to recognise when my mind's working in that way & then be more realistic about the situation.