I can't take any more!

[Catherine84]

I am increasingly wondering what the point of being here in this state is. My OCD around my breathing has got to the point where I am unable to enjoy or concentrate on anything in life. I cannot even sleep now unless I have a couple of glasses of wine, and the moment it wears off, I am awake and my anxiety builds with every breath to the point where I end up retching.

I cannot function at all during the day and feel everyone is losing patience with me. I am losing friends over this - one of which had been talking behind my back about how I 'complain a lot' and making harsh comments. My workplace keep hounding me and I have been called in for a meeting to discuss my return to work, which has been pushed back several times already, and my next sick note expires in 2 weeks. I feel like I have made no progress at all and I am now worse than ever. Just getting up to have a wash and try and force some food down my throat is a huge effort. All I think about is how I can knock myself out for a few hours, and I have started having the occasional glass at lunchtime as well. I know it isn't doing my body any good, especially since I am on antidepressants, but I don't care what I am doing to myself at the moment. In fact, I clawed at my arm so badly it has left a scar, and I even read a website on ways to commit suicide. I feel it would be selfish to the very small handful of people who love me, but then isn't it just as selfish to make me carry on with a life I am so unhappy with? I feel like nobody understands - I should be grateful for my lot etc. and my father even said that 'I need something real to worry about, not all these self-absorbed obsessions'.

I miss my little cat, who died two and a half weeks ago after a very long and drawn out illness, and I still have the image of her final moments in my head and when we had to bury her. I feel I am not of rational enough mind even to cope with this at the moment. She helped my stress so much, hearing her contented purr and had a lovely little character. Then yesterday, I found out my aunt (who outside my mum and partner understands me the best) was found slumped in her loo on Saturday and is now in hospital.

Then this morning, after crying for a long time, my boss rang me to discuss the meeting and 'see how I am doing', and I felt I couldn't answer her call, so she left a voicemail. I just don't care about anything at the moment - my job, my so-called 'friends', anything. I just want to escape from the world. I just don't even feel like it's 'when I get better' any more, more like a very big IF.

I am on Citalopram 10mg and have been for the last month, and I initially took Diazepam with it to try and control the increased anxiety I got with it, but it didn't even cut through my anxiety like it did the first time when I wasn't on the Citalopram, and being asthmatic, the Dr said there's nothing else I can try really, and that I can't take it forever. So due to the insomnia and anxiety being so bad, I am back to drinking again. Despite all this, the Dr wants me to increase my dose to 20mg! I just feel now like there is no hope - that nothing will ever get better and there is nothing left to try. I have tried talking therapies and mindfulness, but I cannot focus on anything long enough when I am a state of sheer terror.

If anyone has any advice at all for other options, I really would appreciate it. I just feel like my mind alone is not strong enough to overcome my panic any more.

Catherine x

[StaffordEd]

Hi Catherine

Wow you are a bundle of complex worries. My problems don't compare to yours. One thing we do have in common along with every one else who suffers this varying debilitating condition we all deserve to be here. You may feel alone but trust me there are many other out there feeling as you do. If nothing else this site brings the sufferers together and every one of us wants to beat this demon and put it back in its box. We are all cheer leaders for each other.

You say there is no point in going on, I would say even if only one person cared about you and I am sure there are many others, there is every reason to go on. Even if no one cared so what its your life. I am sorry you lost your cat recently, I have a dog and I know how much love and affection they can bring. He is now 14 and on the wrong side of life's time span.

The mind is a mighty powerful thing and once you lose control of it, it can drag you to the depths of despair. But that is the point, you have only lost control of your mind you have not lost your mind. Thant means with expert help you will gain control again. Your anxieties are reversible.

Medication and alcohol only mask symptoms, only therapy will teach you how to regain control. Once you have learnt that control and put your mind back in its rightful place where you are in charge then you will begin to love life again.

You may not think it now but you have every reason to keep going. I know you have struggled with therapies but please please keep trying. If you are not satisfied with whom you are dealing with ask for some one else.

You sound as if you are at the bottom, and guess what there is only one way now and that is up. I Know you can do it I have confidence in you Catherine and its time you had confidence in yourself.

Go for it and kick ass!!


All the best

Ed x

[LauraJF]

Catherine,

There's a company called Wild Divine that sells biofeedback programs that might help you to breathe better, clear your mind and to feel better. They have a new online version you can find here: http://www.wilddivineonline.com

You just need the biofeedback hardware called the iom if you want to do the online version.

I'm sorry about your cat. :hugs:

Laura


I am increasingly wondering what the point of being here in this state is. My OCD around my breathing has got to the point where I am unable to enjoy or concentrate on anything in life. I cannot even sleep now unless I have a couple of glasses of wine, and the moment it wears off, I am awake and my anxiety builds with every breath to the point where I end up retching.

I cannot function at all during the day and feel everyone is losing patience with me. I am losing friends over this - one of which had been talking behind my back about how I 'complain a lot' and making harsh comments. My workplace keep hounding me and I have been called in for a meeting to discuss my return to work, which has been pushed back several times already, and my next sick note expires in 2 weeks. I feel like I have made no progress at all and I am now worse than ever. Just getting up to have a wash and try and force some food down my throat is a huge effort. All I think about is how I can knock myself out for a few hours, and I have started having the occasional glass at lunchtime as well. I know it isn't doing my body any good, especially since I am on antidepressants, but I don't care what I am doing to myself at the moment. In fact, I clawed at my arm so badly it has left a scar, and I even read a website on ways to commit suicide. I feel it would be selfish to the very small handful of people who love me, but then isn't it just as selfish to make me carry on with a life I am so unhappy with? I feel like nobody understands - I should be grateful for my lot etc. and my father even said that 'I need something real to worry about, not all these self-absorbed obsessions'.

I miss my little cat, who died two and a half weeks ago after a very long and drawn out illness, and I still have the image of her final moments in my head and when we had to bury her. I feel I am not of rational enough mind even to cope with this at the moment. She helped my stress so much, hearing her contented purr and had a lovely little character. Then yesterday, I found out my aunt (who outside my mum and partner understands me the best) was found slumped in her loo on Saturday and is now in hospital.

Then this morning, after crying for a long time, my boss rang me to discuss the meeting and 'see how I am doing', and I felt I couldn't answer her call, so she left a voicemail. I just don't care about anything at the moment - my job, my so-called 'friends', anything. I just want to escape from the world. I just don't even feel like it's 'when I get better' any more, more like a very big IF.

I am on Citalopram 10mg and have been for the last month, and I initially took Diazepam with it to try and control the increased anxiety I got with it, but it didn't even cut through my anxiety like it did the first time when I wasn't on the Citalopram, and being asthmatic, the Dr said there's nothing else I can try really, and that I can't take it forever. So due to the insomnia and anxiety being so bad, I am back to drinking again. Despite all this, the Dr wants me to increase my dose to 20mg! I just feel now like there is no hope - that nothing will ever get better and there is nothing left to try. I have tried talking therapies and mindfulness, but I cannot focus on anything long enough when I am a state of sheer terror.

If anyone has any advice at all for other options, I really would appreciate it. I just feel like my mind alone is not strong enough to overcome my panic any more.

Catherine x

[LongingForSunrise]

I have the breathing problems, too. Feel it everyday. But I'm quitting alprazolam and it's hard, because I've been on it for many months now. I decided to quit because I got heavily addicted and increased the amount of alprazolam I would take. Ever since a doctor refused to prescribe anymore, and I had to quit for 5 nights, I've felt this breathing issue. It's completely mental though, I mean literally. Haven't been the same every since, but right now I do have a responsible schedule to follow. But my anxiety turned into breathing issues after meeting that incompetent doctor.

I ride mountain bike, skateboard and work out. And I can do all of this and make it through. My advice is to keep the body running. It's the only thing that helps me, I feel. Because it's concerning breathing and heart beats, and so if I can go 100% on my mountain bike I am 100% healthy as far as cardio goes. My doctors (DOCTORS) said that it's the best evidence I can have.

And as far as Citalopram goes, the chief doctor in our regions psychiatric care said that 10 mg is a very small amount, and even 20 mg is quite small - but usually is the starting amount. I told him that I HATE Citalopram, that it only make things worse. It's making my stomach upset as well. He told me that as soon as I'm completely free from alprazolam I could quit Citalopram, he couldn't see that 10 mg would do me any good at all.

Now, I AM NOT DEPRESSED. That's very important to put out there. Therefore, I don't see the full reason to stick with a medicine that I cannot look at without thinking "oh, this bullshit pill causing stomach problems - again!!". If I would be depressed I would probably take a higher dosage.

I don't have OCD, but I do have Asperger's and tend to lean towards obsessive behaviour as well. Especially when it comes to the heart region. My thoughts get FIXED on the issue all the time. It becomes my life, all the time.


List of things that may help (it's helping me, and I'm REALLY stubborn):

1. Workout. < This will make you tired in the evenings, improve physiological and mental health and expose you to heavy breathing.
2. Eat healthy food. < This will make wonders in life. To know your food and eat a big variation of foods.
3. No alcohol. < This will only make your anxiety worse. It's better to eat raisin or red grapes if you wish for health benefits.
4. Mindfulness-oriented CBT. < This might help you relax and get to feel yourself without judging any sensation/feeling/thought. Take a while.

Because of my addiction to alprazolam, I cannot say that it'll be good for you. It might work while you try to cope with your problem. But it's very potent and may cause addiction problems, I therefore must tell each and everyone to be very careful using it. It's hard to be responsible when you feel like you're dying.

Ps. I'm sorry about your cat. I love cats and I've had cats all my life. I have a old friendly cat called Ceasar, but he lives with my mother now. I miss him very much, but he has a tiny heart condition. Still going strong, but I've lost 3 other cats in my life. It hurts a lot. I hope you will find some form of peace, soon.

[Catherine84]

Thank you everyone for your kind messages.

Unfortunately things have got a lot worse the last few days, as I found out yesterday that my aunt's (great aunt technically) liver and kidneys are failing and there is nothing more they can do (she is 92 and too old and frail to be operated on). They said she has a few days to live. Being an only child, and having all bar one of my grandparents die at a very young age (my parents were nearly 40 when they had me), she was like a grandmother to me and we were extremely close. The only comfort I can take is that I know she will be in a better place, but it is so upsetting. I worry about my mum, as she is painfully thin and all the stress is taking its toll on her. I worry myself sick about losing her, as she is nearly 70.

I will look into the biofeedback, as it is something I have never heard of or tried before, so thank you for the link Laura :-).

I agree LongingForSunrise, Citalopram seems to be a horrible drug. I am convinced it is responsible for my increased anxiety, and whilst I think I may have mild depression, I believe it is the anxiety that is making it ten times worse, and that I would be better off trying to treat that (I have felt pretty low before, but managed to carry on with my life). Like you, it gives me an upset stomach and poor appetite, and I was physically sick when I started taking it. I also believe it is responsible for the terrible insomnia and a whole host of other unpleasant things I have been experiencing, notably this very nasty burning sensation in both my arms that feels a bit like sunburn. I feel I am going around in circles with my doctor, who just says 10mg will do nothing and to increase it. I would have thought that 5 weeks would be enough time for my body to adjust to the lower dose and, at worst, the side effects would have died down and I would just be no better, not suffering even more. I now cannot stop drinking, because without it I am a bag of nerves and would have not slept for days (and would probably have ended it - at the moment it is my only comfort, knowing I can escape from this dreadful breathing obsession for a few hours each evening). I wish there was a pill I could take that would allow me to care about my breathing less. I fail to believe that Diazepam is the only option. I just get fobbed off with sleeping tablets, but told I cannot take these long term either, so just like having a drink, when it wears off, I am back to square one.

I would like to be medication free in an ideal world , but I believe I would be able to focus on the therapy better if I could get my anxiety under control first.

I do try and keep myself busy and get out, but my breathing anxiety is crippling now. I find it terrifying to have this constant fear to let go of a normally automatic function, that you have to do several times each minute of every day. If I could just get rid of this, I swear I could cope with life's other problems much better.

Catherine x

[PanchoGoz]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation Catherine. I was wandering if you have tried this...actually doing the opposite of avoiding thinking about your breathing. Instead, even if it seems unbearable right now, sit down and properly focus on your breathing for as long as you can. You will find you mind actually wonders from it as it gets bored, whereas before you couldn't stop thinking about it. If you try not to think about it, you have to think about it in order to know what not to think about if that makes sense. So the only logical thing to do would be the opposite, and that is focus on it so much that you actually get bored of it and your mind moves on to something else.

[BobbyDog]

Hey Catherine, I am so sorry you are still suffering so much, I really do wish you well. You could be right about the Citalopram, I took Valerian the whole time I was on it as I had terrible insomnia. Mirtazapine is usually good for anxiety/depression/insomnia, don't know if you have tried this.
I will be thinking about you.

sarah.x

[needadviceandhelp]

I totally understand how you feel, this exactly how i feel right now, my life has become so closed in, I don't want to go no where or do anything, I feel so depressed and sad that I feel like the way i do I wish that it all could just disappear. I'm am like your self I am unable to enjoy myself, also i feel like I can't cope.

I know it is hard as being there myself I overcome my illness about 2 years ago after suffering for 3 years and out of no where 5 months it came back out of no where and ten time worse, I suffer from chronic anxiety, agoraphobia, social phobia, and severe depression. But we are ALL SURVIVOURS and we will get through this wethere it's on our own or with help good luck and wish you the best. :)

[LongingForSunrise]

I agree LongingForSunrise, Citalopram seems to be a horrible drug. I am convinced it is responsible for my increased anxiety, and whilst I think I may have mild depression, I believe it is the anxiety that is making it ten times worse, and that I would be better off trying to treat that (I have felt pretty low before, but managed to carry on with my life). Like you, it gives me an upset stomach and poor appetite, and I was physically sick when I started taking it. I also believe it is responsible for the terrible insomnia and a whole host of other unpleasant things I have been experiencing, notably this very nasty burning sensation in both my arms that feels a bit like sunburn. I feel I am going around in circles with my doctor, who just says 10mg will do nothing and to increase it. I would have thought that 5 weeks would be enough time for my body to adjust to the lower dose and, at worst, the side effects would have died down and I would just be no better, not suffering even more. I now cannot stop drinking, because without it I am a bag of nerves and would have not slept for days (and would probably have ended it - at the moment it is my only comfort, knowing I can escape from this dreadful breathing obsession for a few hours each evening). I wish there was a pill I could take that would allow me to care about my breathing less. I fail to believe that Diazepam is the only option. I just get fobbed off with sleeping tablets, but told I cannot take these long term either, so just like having a drink, when it wears off, I am back to square one.

I would like to be medication free in an ideal world , but I believe I would be able to focus on the therapy better if I could get my anxiety under control first.

I do try and keep myself busy and get out, but my breathing anxiety is crippling now. I find it terrifying to have this constant fear to let go of a normally automatic function, that you have to do several times each minute of every day. If I could just get rid of this, I swear I could cope with life's other problems much better.

Catherine x

So am I. It did indeed increase my anxiety. I had the hard part for 2 months, so 8 weeks. I did have same medicine to take when I got scared, but it took like 2 hours for it to kick in and it left basically as soon as it kicked in. So I switched.

Well, if you really feel that it is absolutely necessary with medication for your anxiety I can recommend alprazolam depot. But I also have to give you a heads up, because of it's short half-life (~12 hours) to diazepam (~20-100 hours). It's highly addictive and is MEANT to be a helping hand for a short while. Now I found myself taking more of it, and because of it I have had a battle against addiction as well. But when it helped it helped. I did not feel anxiety of doing anything I loved. Living life got a lot easier. But I hope you have a good psychiatrist. If you have a problem with alcohol I highly suggest you take care of it before using any medication for anxiety. It will get a lot harder to get the medication and it may, if unlucky, damage you. Alcohol probably has to go. I don't touch alcohol, because it makes everything worse in long term. I can barely drink coffee, but I do it anyway and have the sensations. I'm probably drinking my last cup right now. I'm about to stop, because it's not worth feeling a little bit anxious in the morning because of coffee.

Much like you I have this breathing issue. It feels like I can't let it go or not let it go. I wanna get rid of it, too. I want my life back. The breathing situation is seriously the most annoying thing about this. I didn't have this at first, don't really know what went wrong. It's pissing me off, tbh. I can do things normally, but when I rest it becomes more intense. It's just so illogical it pisses me off. :lac:

[Lost2010]

Hi Catherine,

Sorry things are so bad right night. Best advice I can give you is to change your Doctor. My previous GP failed to diagnose or treat me effectively which basically led to me wasting 2+ years before I even started to see an improvement in anxiety, health etc. I tried Citalopram but it wasn't for me (bad reaction) so it may just be that it doesn't suit you. If you've tried it for a significant amount of time and the Dr isn't ignoring your concerns it doesn't sound like a great GP/patient relationship.

It is a bit of a hassle to change Doctors but many surgeries will allow you to have an appointment without signing up so you can try a few and find one you think can help you without signing up straightaway. IMO, a good GP is worth their weight in gold so would really recommend finding someone else.

Hope you feel better soon

[43emz]

Hi Catherine, I have exactly the same problems as you, I thought I was the only one. Every time the anxiety gets really bad I go and buy a small bottle of wine, I keep one in the house all the time in case of emergencies, medication hasn't worked for me so I don't take anything as don't like side effects and I am currently having EMDR. I am constantly monitoring my breathing and find I have to keep extremely busy to take my mind off it as the moment I sit down and try to enjoy some relaxing time it comes back. This is truly awful and the fact that only wine works means I'm in danger of becoming an alcoholic. I'm gonna try St John's Wort so will let you know if it works, already tried camomile tea, kalms and valerian with no success.

[fas2help]

Hi Carthrine, I 've sent you a message.

[eric g]

Catherine,
I know how you feel. I would be only to happy to chat with you but this site is hard to work out.Apparently you have to leave a message on the forum and have been a member fo 5 days to chat but although I have done those I cant get any further. Send me a message and if I get it I will try to help you.Take care, eric g

[nomorepanic]

Eric - I replied to your PM about chat access.

[SMD Counselling]

Hi Catherine, very sorry you are not feeling very well carry on talking to others you can do it.