Really having a hard time, losing it.

[k1982]

Hi all,

I would really appreciate some support and advice.

I am really struggling with panic and anxiety at the moment. I had a panic attack about 3-4 weeks ago after worrying about having a brain tumour (had a headache) After this I had derealization and anxiety, and didn't feel 'right'. Then last Thursday I started googling things again, and convinced myself I had CJD (mad cow disease), because young people often present with anxiety/depression.

Since that time I have had bad bad derealization, anxiety and depression. I feel detached from the world, and then I started panicky about that. The last few days I have felt like my memory is going, although if I try, I can remember everything - I just feel detached from my mind, my life, my thoughts.

I have tried to do mindfulness and CBT on myself, but whenever I calm myself down, I start thinking that my rapid decline is due to having a neurological problem like CJD, and I will not get better. I feel like my memory and mind are steadily fading away. I am having real trouble coping and I don't know what to do. I have been obsessing and stressing about my memory the last few days, and I think I have made things worse. I feel like it is harder to remember things today than it was yesterday.

I'm seeing a therapist next Wednesday, and I am terrified of getting through the weekend, I feel like my mind will be gone by monday.

I know it isn't rational, but these feelings are so strong. I don't know what to do.

Please help.

[k1982]

Anyone have any advice?

[CarrieOn]

Hey hon
Sorry you are feeling worse :(
You have to remember that anxiety and depression are common, and CJD is NOT. I read a something the other day that suggested that the percentage of people who had CJD were depressed and anxious was NO DIFFERENT from the general population. I don't remember what the numbers were -- sorry ... but the point is that there is no link between HA and CJD. Except that lots of us with HA THINK we have CJD lol
poor us!!
sounds like all your symtoms and problems are directly related to how you are feeling and what you are thinking -- dunno if it helps to see that or not.

well, maybe it will help you, so I am writing it out ... here is the link in how you feel as YOU described it...

worrying about headache (I hate that!! I do that!!) -> panic attack
panic attack -> DR/anxiety
DR/anxiety -> more googling (grrrrr BAD GOOGLE BAD K1982!!!!)
googling CJD -> bad derealization, anxiety and depression
thinking about CJD -> panicing/stopping CBT working
obsessing about memory -> "making things worse," feeling like can't remember

ALLLLLL your symptoms are a result of worrying/obsessing about CJD ... it shows that clearly! All of them!! (Oh, except for when it wasn't CJD and it was a brain tumour you worried about! LOL)

So, you can stop worrying that how you feel is bc of CJD cuz how you feel is really just cuz of WORRYING ... oh and evil evil google...

just relax and breath and then relax some more!! how you feel is normal, you just have to retrain your responses to your feelings (at least, that's what my mum told ME lol)

good luck hun ... you can beat this xx

[k1982]

Thank you so much, your post really helped! Sometimes it just helps to get someone elses perspective!!

I'm doing a little better today, still struggling quite a bit, and panicking occasionally. I've been trying to cut down on doing memory tests and just relaxing, but it's hard! I feel like if I relax for a moment and stop doing it my memory will just go away, and I won't remember where I live, or recognise my husband or anything.

I'm trying very hard to treat this as all from anxiety, and remember that it's a common anxiety symptom! Just hate feeling this way!

I'm going out for dinner with my husband tonight to meet up with some friends, and I'm worried that I won't be able to talk to them because I won't remember anything to say! Guess we will just have to see how it goes.

Hope you are doing OK xx

[k1982]

Hi guys,
just thought it might be helpful to anyone reading my original post, to know that I am doing well, and to know that you can come back from such a place!

I'm definitely had lower points than when I posted above - I at one point was under the bed crying, had some days where I felt I had lost my mind to the point that I felt like I didn't even know how to brush my teeth, decided my husband was a strange and felt no connection to him or anyone. I had panic attacks that were so bad I couldn't get out of bed.

I saw a GP and was put on citalopram (which I used to be on), then fluoxetine, which didn't help and made me apathetic. I saw a psychologist and did CBT, EMDR and other mindfulness techniques, and she did not really help me much either.

Eventually, I started to be able to relax enough to come through it, mostly by accepting that it was ok to not feel normal, that I wasn't losing my mind. The book 'Complete Self Help for your Nerves' by Nancy Weekes helped me a HUGE amount, and reading the book 'At Last A Life' by Paul David was great as well.

I just wanted to let everyone who, like me, felt that there was no way back to normal, that no matter how bad you feel, you can do this, and you can be OK. If anyone wants to message me to chat, I'm more than happy to help.

[keaw]

its so good of you to give an update, there have been so many old threads I have read that just stop! and you are left thinking, what happened?!
im glad you feel better now, gives me hope :)

[saab]

Thanks for updating. I do believe that everyone can get well - you just have to find the thing that works for you. Claire Weekes books are fantastic - they should give them out free at the GP. 'Self Help for Your Nerves' was a lifesaver (metaphorically) for me. Glad to hear you are so much better.

[k1982]

Also, I found these modules life changing:
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

There is hope for everyone! I'm not completely symptom free, but I am enjoying life again and getting better every day! I have, in the time since I posted above, continued to work full time, studied for my Master's degree and been on a 5 week overseas holiday, and had my husband move a 4 hour flight away for business for the next 4 months, and I'm still hanging in there :)