PLEASE HELP ME - Intrusive thoughts

[Tink87]

Hi all,
I am new to this site and would appreciate ANY response as I am desperate for help, clarity.

I have suffered from intrusive thoughts before that literally took over my life and caused huge debilitation. (I suffer from OCD) I couldn't go to work, I couldn't eat, I believed my thoughts, my mind would create crazy thoughts and feelings. I actually suffered HOCD thoughts a couple of years ago which came at random.

I'm in a long term relationship with a man I love (even though we've had our troubles)

I'm trying to keep this as short as I can. Anyway I joined a new job around four months ago. I work quite closely with this guy, and I can remember harmless flirting occassionally and then the odd thought of what it would be like to be with him (he has a fair bit of money and I am ashamed to say I was a bit swayed by it) I don't find him particularly attractive either.

Anyway, I can remember a meeting where we were talking 1:1 and were talking about random stuff and he said something along the lines of ' it depends how you like your men' in a suggestive manner. I vividly remember this making me feel very uncomfortable. Then another time, he made another remark when he was abroad and messaged me saying something like ' it's hard to concentrate with so many swedish blondes around' - again this made me feel weird and uncomfortable.

So last week, I had to go to find him about some work and he said 'oh, i meant to come over and say hi' it may have been suggestive, I don't know. But anyway, I felt this HUGE surge of dread and anxiety come over me as it felt like flirting and I didn't like it.

Ever since I have been plagued with anxiety and uncontrollable thoughts that I do like him. I know deep down I don't want to be with him, as I imagine scenarios like being with him and it creates a huge sense of anxiety and disgust. However my mind keeps finding instances where I've flirted or thought random things about him.

It's gotten so bad that I cannot hear his voice or even see his name on email without it being a trigger to massive anxiety.

Sometimes I can look at him and it'll be nothing, and I'll feel like 'what a silly girl for thinking such things' but then I'll get a thought ' no you do like him' or a feeling of anxiety that my mind tells me actually it was excitement.

I am in utter hell here. I'll be with my Fiance and we'll be having a lovely time then this other guy's face will pop in my head and it causes massive panic where I physically shake my head to get the thought from my mind.

Please can somebody provide some advice!! Is this OCD/ intrusive thoughts or am I having to face the dreadful reality that I actually like this guy??:scared15:

Thank you so much to anybody who replies in advance.

[julieb9807]

Hi

If it helps at all, you are definitely not alone with this. What you have described is extremely familiar to me but with a different angle focused on my relationship with my husband. It has been part of my life for over 20 years but a big majority of that time living my life and feeling 'well'. Unfortunately I have had a big relapse since the end of Jan but am working hard to get better again.

Have you had any counselling (CBT) and have you talked to your Doctor about medication? Don't suffer alone - there is help out there.

:)

[Tink87]

Hi Julieb87,

Thank you so much for replying to me. It has been such a reassurance to me in this frightening hell. Although I'm really sorry to hear that you're suffering from something similar. I know how utterly frustrating and upsetting it is.

I can never win with my OCD thoughts. It will always find a 'memory' or argument to counter act against my certainty that I love and want to be with my fiancé.

I have been to CBT before when I had HOCD obsessive thoughts which definitely did help. I'm seeing a private pyschologist at the moment. It's expensive but so worth it. She said that the thoughts are rarely connected to actually what they are. So she's saying I don't like him but for some reason the anxiety and OCD has manifested in that. We're working on getting to the bottom of it at the moment as I cannot live the rest of my life being blighted by OCD. Everytime I find peace my OCD always crops up in one way or another.

I don't know whether you suffer from anxiety from your thoughts but of you do, my pyschologist advised to take really deep breathes in the morning, midday and evening or when anxiety is at its worse. So real deep breathes in through the nose as though you are stretching your lungs and out through the mouth and focus on that as it helps you be in the present and stops your mind from running away with all sorts of scenarios etc.

Thank you again for replying to me.:)

[julieb9807]

You are more than welcome. I have found these forums an absolute lifesaver at times.

Thank you for the breathing tip. I do find it helpful to concentrate on the breathe at certain times and I also practice some mindfulness meditation. I'm sure you already know this but it is vital you do not try and solve your worries in your head, as the more you argue with yourself the more you fuel the OCD! It's all about letting the thoughts be there but not engagiing with them. I'm a right one to talk as I know how terribly hard it is. I completely feel your pain this Disorder has caused me no end of pain and it is has been sheer hell but I have always got better. It never goes away completely but is so much more manageable and in turn I can lead a 'normal' life. I also experienced HOCD when i was a lot younger. I have found a website called ROCD created by Bruno Ping (Blip) really helpful recently. It's not so much about reassuring you (which again is not advised) but providing techniques to help yourself.

Take care.

[Namaste73]

I completely sympathise and could do with some advice myself. I love my boyfriend and he asked me to marry him two days ago. Unfortunately my intrusive thoughts have been making me feel awful and self sabotaging what should be a really happy time. I think things like: Do I love him? I don't think I can be around him because I might feel fear and extreme anxiety, Do I really want to get married? Itll never work out and I'll always be unhappy, etc. The main worry is that I get so anxious and fearful that I will be unable to be near him and I will ruin our happiness. I have been through a lot in my life and really want to just live a normal life without this terrible fear of getting severe anxiety and depression ever again. I have tried CBT, homeopathy, mindfulness..actually, you name it Ive tried it! Ive been great for the last six months as I started my PhD but my anxiety levels rocketed recently as I was under some stress in the lead up to an ATOS benefits interview. Since then my irrational and intrusive thoughts have got unbearable:(. I wish there was a magic pill to finally sort me out but unfortunately there is not. My doctor is currently testing me for vit B12 deficiency and Vit D also as I am so exhausted with all this (I also had major illness and complicated abdominal surgery that was have led to malabsorption of vital vitamins for good brain function. Im sorry this email has turned into a total ramble and that wasnt my intent. I am really struggling right now.

[Tink87]

Julie, thank you for your tip about not engaging on the OCD thoughts. That's something I really struggle with and I know I shouldn't do as I never win and get myself into an absolute confused mess. I must look like a lunatic as when I get a thought I physically wince and pull a face. Please feel free to message me as its good to know your not the only one suffering when things are terrible. As I progress with sessions with my pyschologist I will post more advice as I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Namaste, I completely empathise with your pain and sadness at your situation. When I had my HOCD thoughts a few years ago it was horrendous and I couldn't bear to be around my fiancé as my mind was telling me that I didn't love him or want to be with him and even felt I lost my attraction to him which was more scary. All I can really say is stick in there as it will get better. You do love your fiancé but your OCD is telling you otherwise. Your anxiety wants you to run away from your anxiety and by doing that it will fuel it more. As Julie said try not to engage in the thoughts. If you want to message me feel free.

Remember your anxiety doesn't have the same level of intelligence as your logical side of the brain and so you will never win as it doesn't have logic. Please try try the deep breathing as it really does help. Don't make any rash decisions either that your OCD tells you to do. At its worst I nearly broke up with my fiancé because of the thoughts but I didn't and can see how ridiculous it was.

I really wish you the best of luck.

[Linzi29]

Reading these posts has helped me alot, I suffer with intrusive thoughts about all different things and I feel this is the main drive of my anxiety, when you say don't engage in your thoughts, what do you mean, because I was told to dont let the thoughts get to you just watch them with no reaction, but its soo hard, how can you watch a thought because as soon as you do you start to dwell on them, im confused, could someone give me some advice on how to stop the downward spiral?

[julieb9807]

Hi Tink87

I also really struggle with the thoughts - they are so powerful and cause me no end of misery. I find taking deep breaths helps also. It's 12 weeks since my latest relapse and I'm sure I'm making progress but when I have a bad day it terrifies me as I think I won't get better so I must stay positive and take one day at a time still! Keep strong and message me as and when you want to :)

Hi Linzi29

I'm really sorry to hear you're having a rough time. By not engaging with your thoughts purely means don't try and push them out of your mind but also do not try and find an answer. Just acknowledge they are there and allow them to sit alongside you. The less you react to your intrusive thoughts, the more likely your brain will lose interest which will really benefit you.

I know it's easier said than done, are you taking any medication?

[NoPoet]

Hi, I'd say your experience might be indicating a deeper problem, a fear of your life being changed by connecting to and getting into a relationship with someone - it may have raised all kinds of fears about ending up with and being tied to the wrong person, your life changing in ways you can't predict or control, etc. Then again I might be reading too much into it.