esmeralda
21-04-13, 16:36
Hi all,
As I am writing I am weak and shaky and my heart is beating so fast. Quick background I am late 3o's and my life is going great. I am moving to america and getting married to a wonderful man in July.
I have had serious health phobia since my early 2o's. All started I think due to serious illness as a child and my mother constantly checking me for signs of illness all through growing up. Have been more or less totally healthy since then. But have consistently got into health funks that can last for weeks and weeks convinced I have terminal illness. Stupidly I smoked on and off since early 2o's and just stopped for good 3 yrs ago. this preys and preys on my mind. Most recent major episodes of the phobia have been - convinced i had a brain tumour - saw neurologist - they were tension headaches. Then convinced I had lung cancer but recent chest x ray was fine.
I am in the throes of a biggy right now - convinced about throat cancer. I have had earache for years and years and lump in throat sensation is familiar to me - but past 2 weeks feel real different sort of lump on left side - saw raised red lump inside which has gone down in size nearly away, convinced that I can see white grey streaks on back of throat. have hard marble lump under chin which docs have checked twice had it since 2oo4 and think due to dental work but now worried about it again, think have lost weight - but pretty sure due to giving up all sugar and alcohol in feb and eating healthy raw food - past 2 weeks been looking really pale and feeling exhausted. I am compulsively taking about 1o pictures of myself a day to see if I look 'healthy' or 'sick' am talking myself in and out of it several times a day. Finally booked docs appt for tomorrow and am talking myself in and out of going I DON'T WANT TO. i can barely listen to my fiance and make plans for wedding, in such a bad place and so very upset to still find myself here after having done SO MUCH spiritual and mental work around it. omg, in a very bad way and just keeping on going barely.
As I am writing I am weak and shaky and my heart is beating so fast. Quick background I am late 3o's and my life is going great. I am moving to america and getting married to a wonderful man in July.
I have had serious health phobia since my early 2o's. All started I think due to serious illness as a child and my mother constantly checking me for signs of illness all through growing up. Have been more or less totally healthy since then. But have consistently got into health funks that can last for weeks and weeks convinced I have terminal illness. Stupidly I smoked on and off since early 2o's and just stopped for good 3 yrs ago. this preys and preys on my mind. Most recent major episodes of the phobia have been - convinced i had a brain tumour - saw neurologist - they were tension headaches. Then convinced I had lung cancer but recent chest x ray was fine.
I am in the throes of a biggy right now - convinced about throat cancer. I have had earache for years and years and lump in throat sensation is familiar to me - but past 2 weeks feel real different sort of lump on left side - saw raised red lump inside which has gone down in size nearly away, convinced that I can see white grey streaks on back of throat. have hard marble lump under chin which docs have checked twice had it since 2oo4 and think due to dental work but now worried about it again, think have lost weight - but pretty sure due to giving up all sugar and alcohol in feb and eating healthy raw food - past 2 weeks been looking really pale and feeling exhausted. I am compulsively taking about 1o pictures of myself a day to see if I look 'healthy' or 'sick' am talking myself in and out of it several times a day. Finally booked docs appt for tomorrow and am talking myself in and out of going I DON'T WANT TO. i can barely listen to my fiance and make plans for wedding, in such a bad place and so very upset to still find myself here after having done SO MUCH spiritual and mental work around it. omg, in a very bad way and just keeping on going barely.