TheManWithNoName
01-05-13, 14:40
Hello
Thanks for taking some time to open this thread, hopefully you will understand how I'm feeling and be able to help me find a piece of mind, maybe it will help you :)
Well, I used this site over 2 years ago now(under a different name), as I was feeling really ill and couldn't come to terms with the doctor telling me I was suffering from bad anxiety. I've never really got everything off my chest before
I'd been having various feelings through High School I was always told I was anaemic or that my irons were low as I was always tired and never really motivated. I didn't do too badly at school, I maybe found it hard to concentrate sometimes, but that's about it. In the last year of school a friend of mine died as a result of a road traffic accident, so that had an affect on me. Once I left school I had nerves about what I should do next, I was set on working with children with disabilities, well predominately in sport, as I did some work with a group during school. I couldn't get onto a course studying this field specifically and I was advised to just do a course in Sport. I had nerves thinking I was unfit and decided to take a year out so that I could think about what I wanted to do further.
I ended up working for my Father helping him as a general labourer in the building trade, which I did throughout the week as well as doing some volunteer admin work for a physical therapist that worked with cancer sufferers. After the year ended I decided to do a course in construction at my local college, it was a two year course and I finished top of my class the first year and even won Student of the Year, I felt like I was really making in roads and I really made my parents proud(it meant alot, although I'm never pressured by them)
After the two year course I decided to stay on at the college and do a Foundation Degree, mostly for the ease of it and I guess I was scared of making the step up to finding work. Throughout all my time at college I had little bouts of time when I was ill(really tired, always had a cold) I used to get called "Bubble Boy" by the other students. In the last year of the Foundation Degree I started to feel more anxious altogether, with exams looming and end of year deadlines and my sleep started to be affected by it. I managed to get through the year and then it was a case of what next. Everybody used to say how I did all the work on time, but they saw a different side to me the last couple of weeks.
So I spent all summer after the course had ended holed up at home, mostly in my bedroom watching TV, video-games, you name it. It must have been a few weeks in and at night when my Dad and everyone got home I started having stomach pains at night just before tea and not feeling like something to eat, this mixed with not being able to sleep some nights and I was losing weight. I was so burnt out after I finished that course I just became a recluse and I didn't really talk about my feeling unwell until I decided to see a doctor about it. So I went and he came to the conclusion that I was depressed and I was prescribed some antidepressants that day. I had around 3 days worth and I was bedridden, I couldn't eat, I didn't know if I slept( I felt like I had been staring at the wall all night). I know that you are supposed to get well into the course before you see any benefits, but it put me into such a state the first few days that I decided to stop. I had another doctor see me and he advised me not to take antidepressants and that I was just "feeling down", I didn't accept it and thought I just had a stomach bug.
I was so worried what to do next in life and took the easiest option and applied for University, I just rushed the application half heartedly and sent it in. A few friends were going to be on the course so I think that's what helped me make the decision. At this point in time I had hardly been out of the house and going out in the sun made me feel really unwell. I had Facebook at the time and received an invitation to a 21st Birthday Party of a girl who I'd known since school and we had tried dating and nothing really became of it. So I made plans to go to this party and the night before it I just couldn't sleep, I was just nervous, showing up to a big social gathering like this, meeting people I'd not seen since school after the crappy few months I'd had was going to be hard.
So I turned up to this party and within about twenty minutes of being there my stomach started to hurt, so I spent most of my time in the fresh air outside. The girl whose birthday it was really forth with me and was telling me that she had really liked me for years, and that she's always comparing me to the boyfriends that she'd had. I'd met with her a few times and nothing really rang for me with her, and that it was her who always tried to keep in touch. I ended up leaving the party as I just couldn't handle the stomach and felt really ill, so I headed home. The day after, I don't know, I had this feeling that I should text her and see if she wanted to meet up.
So I started spending time together with her and I think I was starting to come to terms at this point that I was suffering from bad anxiety. I kept cancelling meeting up with her as my stomach would be bad or I was just so tired due to lack of sleep. Even with all this I ended up getting into a relationship with her, when I think about it now I sort of hard the feeling as if I was falling off a chair and just grabbing out in desperation for safety, and that was the reason I got into the relationship. I'd not hard sex at this point, not that I was really worried about not having had it. I told her that I was still a virgin which she was surprised about,or so she seemed it.
By this time I had been accepted into University I was about to start as well as being in the relationship, it was near home so I didn't have to travel. Things got a little better for the first month and then they went a little down. The time I spent with my girlfriend was mostly in her house, we rarely went out(which bothered her), as I always complained about feeling ill. I went to the doctors various times over this period and this time I was given Diazepam to take. I took them whenever I felt down or ill in my stomach, and they seem to help a little. I never really got better and it got to a stage where my girlfriend decided end the relationship after 3 months. I found it really hard to take, and that was coming from the one her turned away all her advances in the past before we got together. I think to this day that I purely got with her because she wanted me, I wanted someone to help me.
I ended up seeing a therapist who I saw once a week, I did have a few suicidal thoughts, but I never acted upon them, I just had really bad panic attacks. She helped me find some understanding but I did have a hard time still as I was getting over my first real relationship also. I took quite abit of time away from University, and I just lost all my motivation the work, but I did enjoy the social side of it as my pains would go even if sometimes I get nervous around lots of people. I ended up starting some weight training with a guy who lives locally and that helped with my confidence a little, and I also started running alot, so my lifestyle had changed for the better as I was now feeling fitter.
My ex girlfriend got back in touch because when we first got together I bought some tickets to watch her favourite band Kasabian, and she was wondering if I still wanted to go with her. I was unsure whether to go, but I think my mind was thinking we could still get back together. Well I ended up going and we had an okay night and its been around a year and a half since then now, and that was the last time she spoke to me, she had pretty much used me. It really set me back, and I had to take abit more time away from University.
Six months from that time past and I had stopped many months before seeing the therapist, and I had been finding alot of relief from running which I did 3 times a week with a friend. My Nan unfortunately passed away which caused massive heartache for me too. My University work took a complete back step and I requested extra time which was accepted to September last year. In the meantime I had exams which I was completely nervous about, revision just didn't sink in and I ended up failing, my confidence took a massive knock and I considered quitting. I had a stack of reports to do and exam resits to do in about 2 months and I just ended up putting them off and off, but I kept up my running which was a massive help and which I don't think I will ever give up.
Well I ended up quitting two weeks before September last year, I was even considering going onto a completely new course in the face of the failure but I decided that was a rash decision. I ended up working the odd day a week with my Father again and came to the decision it's best that I look for work. I upped my running and weight training and started to eat really healthily so my spirits were high compared to the year before. I saw out the year and in March this year I ended up going onto Job Seekers Allowance, I felt like I have no motivation and I am procrastinating all the time putting off finding work even though I dream of doing something with my life, it's as if I just don't have the confidence. And that is pretty much me up to this point in time.
I hope someone can draw a parallel to this or have some understanding.
Sorry for the massive wall of text, I've never really got everything off my chest, even with a therapist.
Thanks
Thanks for taking some time to open this thread, hopefully you will understand how I'm feeling and be able to help me find a piece of mind, maybe it will help you :)
Well, I used this site over 2 years ago now(under a different name), as I was feeling really ill and couldn't come to terms with the doctor telling me I was suffering from bad anxiety. I've never really got everything off my chest before
I'd been having various feelings through High School I was always told I was anaemic or that my irons were low as I was always tired and never really motivated. I didn't do too badly at school, I maybe found it hard to concentrate sometimes, but that's about it. In the last year of school a friend of mine died as a result of a road traffic accident, so that had an affect on me. Once I left school I had nerves about what I should do next, I was set on working with children with disabilities, well predominately in sport, as I did some work with a group during school. I couldn't get onto a course studying this field specifically and I was advised to just do a course in Sport. I had nerves thinking I was unfit and decided to take a year out so that I could think about what I wanted to do further.
I ended up working for my Father helping him as a general labourer in the building trade, which I did throughout the week as well as doing some volunteer admin work for a physical therapist that worked with cancer sufferers. After the year ended I decided to do a course in construction at my local college, it was a two year course and I finished top of my class the first year and even won Student of the Year, I felt like I was really making in roads and I really made my parents proud(it meant alot, although I'm never pressured by them)
After the two year course I decided to stay on at the college and do a Foundation Degree, mostly for the ease of it and I guess I was scared of making the step up to finding work. Throughout all my time at college I had little bouts of time when I was ill(really tired, always had a cold) I used to get called "Bubble Boy" by the other students. In the last year of the Foundation Degree I started to feel more anxious altogether, with exams looming and end of year deadlines and my sleep started to be affected by it. I managed to get through the year and then it was a case of what next. Everybody used to say how I did all the work on time, but they saw a different side to me the last couple of weeks.
So I spent all summer after the course had ended holed up at home, mostly in my bedroom watching TV, video-games, you name it. It must have been a few weeks in and at night when my Dad and everyone got home I started having stomach pains at night just before tea and not feeling like something to eat, this mixed with not being able to sleep some nights and I was losing weight. I was so burnt out after I finished that course I just became a recluse and I didn't really talk about my feeling unwell until I decided to see a doctor about it. So I went and he came to the conclusion that I was depressed and I was prescribed some antidepressants that day. I had around 3 days worth and I was bedridden, I couldn't eat, I didn't know if I slept( I felt like I had been staring at the wall all night). I know that you are supposed to get well into the course before you see any benefits, but it put me into such a state the first few days that I decided to stop. I had another doctor see me and he advised me not to take antidepressants and that I was just "feeling down", I didn't accept it and thought I just had a stomach bug.
I was so worried what to do next in life and took the easiest option and applied for University, I just rushed the application half heartedly and sent it in. A few friends were going to be on the course so I think that's what helped me make the decision. At this point in time I had hardly been out of the house and going out in the sun made me feel really unwell. I had Facebook at the time and received an invitation to a 21st Birthday Party of a girl who I'd known since school and we had tried dating and nothing really became of it. So I made plans to go to this party and the night before it I just couldn't sleep, I was just nervous, showing up to a big social gathering like this, meeting people I'd not seen since school after the crappy few months I'd had was going to be hard.
So I turned up to this party and within about twenty minutes of being there my stomach started to hurt, so I spent most of my time in the fresh air outside. The girl whose birthday it was really forth with me and was telling me that she had really liked me for years, and that she's always comparing me to the boyfriends that she'd had. I'd met with her a few times and nothing really rang for me with her, and that it was her who always tried to keep in touch. I ended up leaving the party as I just couldn't handle the stomach and felt really ill, so I headed home. The day after, I don't know, I had this feeling that I should text her and see if she wanted to meet up.
So I started spending time together with her and I think I was starting to come to terms at this point that I was suffering from bad anxiety. I kept cancelling meeting up with her as my stomach would be bad or I was just so tired due to lack of sleep. Even with all this I ended up getting into a relationship with her, when I think about it now I sort of hard the feeling as if I was falling off a chair and just grabbing out in desperation for safety, and that was the reason I got into the relationship. I'd not hard sex at this point, not that I was really worried about not having had it. I told her that I was still a virgin which she was surprised about,or so she seemed it.
By this time I had been accepted into University I was about to start as well as being in the relationship, it was near home so I didn't have to travel. Things got a little better for the first month and then they went a little down. The time I spent with my girlfriend was mostly in her house, we rarely went out(which bothered her), as I always complained about feeling ill. I went to the doctors various times over this period and this time I was given Diazepam to take. I took them whenever I felt down or ill in my stomach, and they seem to help a little. I never really got better and it got to a stage where my girlfriend decided end the relationship after 3 months. I found it really hard to take, and that was coming from the one her turned away all her advances in the past before we got together. I think to this day that I purely got with her because she wanted me, I wanted someone to help me.
I ended up seeing a therapist who I saw once a week, I did have a few suicidal thoughts, but I never acted upon them, I just had really bad panic attacks. She helped me find some understanding but I did have a hard time still as I was getting over my first real relationship also. I took quite abit of time away from University, and I just lost all my motivation the work, but I did enjoy the social side of it as my pains would go even if sometimes I get nervous around lots of people. I ended up starting some weight training with a guy who lives locally and that helped with my confidence a little, and I also started running alot, so my lifestyle had changed for the better as I was now feeling fitter.
My ex girlfriend got back in touch because when we first got together I bought some tickets to watch her favourite band Kasabian, and she was wondering if I still wanted to go with her. I was unsure whether to go, but I think my mind was thinking we could still get back together. Well I ended up going and we had an okay night and its been around a year and a half since then now, and that was the last time she spoke to me, she had pretty much used me. It really set me back, and I had to take abit more time away from University.
Six months from that time past and I had stopped many months before seeing the therapist, and I had been finding alot of relief from running which I did 3 times a week with a friend. My Nan unfortunately passed away which caused massive heartache for me too. My University work took a complete back step and I requested extra time which was accepted to September last year. In the meantime I had exams which I was completely nervous about, revision just didn't sink in and I ended up failing, my confidence took a massive knock and I considered quitting. I had a stack of reports to do and exam resits to do in about 2 months and I just ended up putting them off and off, but I kept up my running which was a massive help and which I don't think I will ever give up.
Well I ended up quitting two weeks before September last year, I was even considering going onto a completely new course in the face of the failure but I decided that was a rash decision. I ended up working the odd day a week with my Father again and came to the decision it's best that I look for work. I upped my running and weight training and started to eat really healthily so my spirits were high compared to the year before. I saw out the year and in March this year I ended up going onto Job Seekers Allowance, I felt like I have no motivation and I am procrastinating all the time putting off finding work even though I dream of doing something with my life, it's as if I just don't have the confidence. And that is pretty much me up to this point in time.
I hope someone can draw a parallel to this or have some understanding.
Sorry for the massive wall of text, I've never really got everything off my chest, even with a therapist.
Thanks