Breaking out of my self-inflicted prison cell [Archive]

NE21 worrier

02-05-13, 17:26

Hello folks,

Just a general update on my situation, with some good news and some not-so-good news. My last post was on the Success Stories part of the forum and referred to Saturday which I enjoyed despite my hopeless football team (NUFC) conceding six at home.

However, on Sunday, I was lethargic, lazy even, barely drawing myself away from the World Snooker all day. I accepted this as par for the course after a busy previous day. Unfortunately, despite some nice weather peeping through the curtains, the same thing happened on Monday... and on Tuesday... and then yesterday as well.

The process became cyclical quite quickly - my low mood dictated my life to such an extent I was finding it difficult to leave the prison cell which had, in a self-inflicted manner, become my bedroom. My failure to leave my room subsequently contributed to my low mood and a feeling of pointlessness/hopelessness about the whole situation. I was literally shutting myself away, popping out of the room only for food and to visit the bathroom.

Now, the last time I felt like this, I decided my only option was to return to work three weeks into my six-week fit note, much to the despair of my GP. This was, in hindsight, a mistake - for, although I could actually do the job, I was performing my duties to the immediate detriment of my health (not eating, not sleeping), and I lasted all of two days before going back on the sick.

The good news is that, today, I have seen the error of my ways, got up and got out to drive around the wonderful countryside in the Tyne Valley (Corbridge, Wylam etc.), and had a walk, before attending a GP appointment and visiting my grandmother with mum. The GP has also signed the referrals so that I can take advantage of the various Wellbeing Projects, run by the local branch of the charity Mind, so that I have somewhere to go and something to do during the week. My GP has also suggested that, as I am on a waiting list for the NHS CBT, that I should try some online, and I understand there is a course somewhere on these messageboards...

Spot-the-frog

02-05-13, 17:35

Well done and getting out today, I know how hard that can be. I was in a very dark place recently and if I hadn't pushed myself (with the help of my family and a good bit of nagging) I would still be in my bedroom! Someone told me that "Action comes before Motivation" and once I started doing things and making myself go out and achieve small steps/goals things did improve. Today has been a good day, I took my daughter and grandchildren to Holly Hill Woodland Park, it was a glorious day and the fresh air and good company made my day. It is a difficult life we lead but one that we can improve on with a bit of hard work!

NE21 worrier

03-05-13, 12:12

Hello everyone,

An update as it has been a tougher morning today. I can tell my anxiety levels are higher as I have an annoying tickly cough and some chest pain/shortness of breath. I'm also feeling rather tired (big yawns!) despite a decent enough sleep.

The reason for my increased anxiety is because work asked me to update them on the doctor's appointment yesterday. I spoke to my manager this morning just to confirm the appointment was to check how I was as my usual GP is going on holiday now until mid-May.

For those who do not know, I was signed off work with anxiety/emotional exhaustion at the start of April for six weeks but returned after three out of frustration. This was a mistake, I now realise as I lasted only two days before going back to the GP and being signed off for a further two months.

On my second 'fit' note, the GP wrote: "There has been a not unpredictable bad plan of employer encouraging a return to work against medical advice while still in receipt of medical certification. Outcome is a relapse at bet, exacerbation at worst. Employer will be essential once Peter recovers completely but till then their involvement is making the situation worse."

My manager, while still sounding reasonable, seemed to take umbrage with this statement, and I agreed that I was uncomfortable with it but that this was his genuine view of the situation.

I was uncomfortable myself with what had been written because I had not been forced back directly, of course, and was even told by my manager early on my first day back that if I was not ready to work, I should not have come in. Of course, I should have gone home there and then but I didn't want to lose face with my colleagues and still considered that I could battle on.

More so it was the case that I went back because I hoped I could muddle through and avoid the department's (understandable and not unusual) policy of taking formal action. As it happens, my further absence has meant that formal action is now being taken anyway and I have a meeting on Tuesday at 11am to attend. Not sure how this fits in line with the employer not getting involved but I have felt little choice but to agree to meet at their offices.

My contract is due for renewal in September so I've pretty much given up any hope of keeping the job. I don't know exactly where to go from here but my GP has convinced me I am doing the right thing and that I must prioritise my health over my job. I guess I'm just a bit depressed at the prospect of having the sign back on soon. I've spent periods on the dole before, and it is not a particularly nice process. There's also not many jobs available and my confidence feels shot...

Annie0904

03-05-13, 15:18

Peter here is the link for CBT4Panic http://ct-online-info.com
Work can still call you for a sickness review and maybe a stress management plan. They may also refer you to Occupational Health. Are you in a Union? If not it may help you to join maybe Unison or Unite and they can advise you and even attend meetings on your behalf if you don't feel like going to them yourself.

NE21 worrier

03-05-13, 20:48

Hello Annie,

Thanks for the link - I'm sure I'll find some time over this weekend to have a look at that.

And, yes, I am in the union at work - it's the PCS - and indeed I have a personal friend who works as a rep at my office so I intend to contact him over the weekend and explain my circumstances, and see if he or a colleague is available to come to the meeting with me on Tuesday. However, I think I will still go in for it myself - even though I am still rather downhearted about the fact that I am unlikely to keep this job.

I would like at least to give the impression that I am still interested in working for the department, or at the very least willing to follow procedure.

Annie0904

03-05-13, 21:23

I understand your frustrations at the possibility of losing your job (the same happened to me) but your health really has to come first. You may still be able to keep your job anyway especially since you are covered under the 2010 equalities act. I agreed to leave my job.

NE21 worrier

04-05-13, 10:16

Morning everyone,

Yes Annie, my aborted return to work has put me firmly on the GP's side, where I should have been from the start really...:blush:

I guess the only reason I think the situation is a shame is because when I got the job in March 2012, I thought it might result eventually in a permanent contract and thus I would be able to make a career out of it. However, I did have my panic disorder back when I started so it was always likely to rear its ugly head at some point. I probably did well to hang on as long as I did.

Of course, at 29, even if I do lose my job, I feel I've still got plenty of time to find my calling life and/or get back to the position which I currently occupy. You're right, though: my health must come first!

Today, I have a meet-up with a friend planned. I'm really looking forward to it as I have not seen him for while but he actually is my best mate - I've known him since I was eight and I was his best man at his wedding last year. That was a scary experience - full on panic mode for most of the day!

Despite that, I was deemed not to have spoiled the wedding, although I was so exhausted I did have to leave the evening reception at about 9pm. I am going over his house to watch the Newcastle match online (3pm kick off v West Ham away so not on TV). I am not confident of a result.

Unfortunately, I've woken up with a thick mucus at the back of my throat and I've already coughed some up (eugh!). My eyes are stingy as if I've not had enough sleep but I've slept almost eight hours and my head and thought process feel quite fuzzy. I am aware of a condition called post-nasal drip and have also been on Lansoprazole before for GERD. However, I appreciate again that, ultimately, the underlying cause is probably just my anxiety acting up once again. Will hopefully shrug it off soon.

Annie0904

04-05-13, 11:24

I am hoping Newcastle will win today :) and Liverpool tomorrow :D

NE21 worrier

04-05-13, 11:26

Yes, big game on Merseyside. Out for Sunday lunch with the family is the plan - but I suspect I will still be distracted and watching on the pub TV! :D

NE21 worrier

06-05-13, 23:07

Hello everyone,

I hope you have all had a nice Bank Holiday weekend... mine hasn't been so good, if I'm honest.

Saturday was fun, meeting up with my best mate, though I ended up spending half of the evening pouring my heart out to him as I don't quite think he ever realised quite how profound my issues with anxiety and depression are. He said he felt guilty about not knowing, which is ridiculous as I am just glad that he understand better now.

Sunday was a bad day. I intended to go out for Sunday lunch with the family but I gave it a skip as I was not feeling too well, and had begun to get myself wound up about my meeting at work (which is scheduled for tomorrow at 11am). In my room on my own, I spiralled into a very low mood. This has improved a little today but I cannot shake it off completely.

I have not contacted my friend at the Union because I am ashamed to admit that I have been invited into a meeting at work whereby 'formal action' over my absence record will be taken. It makes me feel as if I'm bottom of the class, a trouble-maker, and I feel as if it would even be preferable if the department just paid me off.

More generally, I feel incompetent and worthless, a child in a man's body, still living at home with the parents as I approach my 30th birthday. My life feels as if it is meandering in a meaningless fashion with no sign of what I will do or achieve, and a lack of confidence that I will ever maintain a full time job again and thus have a chance to become more independent without my anxiety and panic coming back to haunt me.

Genuinely, I do not think I am suicidal but only perhaps because I do not have the courage to carry out any necessary act and, on a rational level, I know if I did something like that, it would be utterly heartbreaking for my family and friends. Still, this has not prevented me on Sunday from checking on Google where notorious local suicide spots are, or on Monday from playing out a dark scene involving the staircase bannister while drip-drying in the bathroom after a shower.

I can barely believe that I have just typed that out about myself. I barely believe that I did those things, but I did. My head just feels like a total mess. How did it ever come to this?...:unsure:

kittikat

06-05-13, 23:21

So sorry to hear how you are feeling.

I believe that the meeting you have tomorrow will naturally have a profound effect on your psychological wellbeing - I have been there and I am still in dispute with my employer 10 months later.

I have periods of feeling strong, like I am getting somewhere, and then the same incompetent wothhlessness you are feeling. Mostly I just feel lost and like something is missing from my life.

Your meeting should really be to see how your employer can support you and help you back to work. I hope it is like that for you and helps you to feel more strength and confident for the future. The most important thing is your current mental health. If you are experiencing so much distress may I suggest that you speak with your GP? Your health and wellbeing is far more important than worrying about tomorrow and what the future may or may not hold for you. Stay strong.

I wish you the best of luck. Kitti :)

NE21 worrier

06-05-13, 23:51

Thanks Kitti for your kind words,

I have now finally got round to sending a message to my friend at the Union explaining my predicament, and he has at least agreed to meet me before the meeting in a very sympathetic message, which also stated how sorry he is to hear about my ongoing issues. It was good to hear back from him so quickly, and his support might ensure that I get a better night of sleep than otherwise expected.

My usual GP is on holiday for a couple of weeks but there are other doctors in the practice. I like dealing with one GP in particular, though, as he has seen me in all sorts of states. I am now into my fifth week on 50mg of Sertraline daily, and I personally wonder if it is doing enough for me. Oh, and I'm still on a waiting list for ruddy therapy from the NHS!

I need to start looking at the CBT on here (Annie provided the link in this thread). That would have been a far more productive use of my time on Sunday afternoon.

kittikat

07-05-13, 00:00

Well it's good that you have the union supporting you...I am sure that will help ease the pressure on you and give you the moral support you need.

5 weeks into anti d's isnt long...give it time, I would say it took a good 6-8 weeks for me to feel the full benefits. And I understand what you say about seeing the same GP...I always see mine as he knows my case well and understands me.

I had CBT it was very beneficial...have you tried http://www.iapt.nhs.uk/ you can self refer in some areas.

Please let me know how it goes tomorrow. I have lots of experience and info if you need to know anymore about your work issues, feel free to PM me anytime.

Take care and I hope you sleep well :) Kitti

Annie0904

07-05-13, 09:06

Hi..I am pleased you have contacted your union friend as he should be able to give you some good advise and support. Let us know how your meeting goes today. Like Kitti says it should be to discuss ways to support you.
Will keep fingers crossed for Wigan to lose today!

NE21 worrier

07-05-13, 14:30

Hello folks,

I'm feeling a lot more positive today. :) I think the beautiful weather helps but also I am back from the meeting, which went much better than expected. Not for the first time, I had kinda got the wrong end of the stick, although I am very pleased to have made use of the union representation because I get so confused in these matters, and my friend there was able to help me out and ensure I stayed calm.

The meeting itself was just a sickness review, nothing disciplinary or anything like that. At the review, it was accepted that I was still not fit to return to work at the moment, having abandoned a previous attempt after only two days. Additionally, I advised that I could not give a timescale for when I would return, at this stage, but that I would keep them up to date, and also that I had sought help from RightCoreCare for counselling as I was still on a waiting list with the NHS.

Happily, I have not been put on a 'Stage 1', which was my fear before the meeting without understanding properly the sickness guidance which I had been provided. 'Stage 1' is the first disciplinary stage for unacceptable performance or attendance in my department, but my union friend that anything like that would be suspended until I returned to work anyway.

Moreover, I was advised that, as my illness is covered by the Equalities Act, then the union may be able to argue for some of my absences to be disregarded, particularly as they are all connected to the same thing. If nothing else, my attempted comeback showed willing which will continue to go in my favour, as does my desire to seek help for my issues.

Of course, I still cannot predict when I will be back or if my September-end contract will be extended - but these are concerns for another time. I'm just glad that work and me feel like we're on the same side of the page at last. I don't feel under any unwarranted pressure to return, and 'We'll see what happens once I get back fit and well' is basically the approach for now.

kittikat

07-05-13, 14:45

That is great news, I am so pleased that it all went well for you and your employer is being supportive at this time. That must be such a relief for you.

Take each day as it comes for now, and as you say, any concerns are for another time. The most important thing is your health and I hope that now this is over, you can move forward in a more positive direction.

I wish that my employer had been as understanding as yours. I have had Stage 1 and Stage 2 and trust me it all but done me in. If your employer shows the same empathy and duty of care that they appear to have done up to now, I am sure you will be just fine.

I wish you all the best in your ongoing recovery. Kitti :)

Annie0904

07-05-13, 15:12

Really pleased it went well for you. Now..sit back and forget about work for now and concentrate on getting well.

NE21 worrier

11-05-13, 16:16

Hello everyone,

Just thought I would give an update as I'm still very much up and down at the moment.

Yesterday was good generally, I got myself out of the house last night and went to a gig at the Cluny bar in Byker with a few friends. However, I was a little anxious beforehand and so I only had something for lunch but did not have any dinner (just a couple of bananas) before I went out.

At the gig, I'm afraid to say that I drank four pints of Guinness - this was my first alcohol since last week but I only just got through the fourth before going on coke as I could feel my chest tightening. I really did used to be a regular drinker so I have made good progress to cut it down to one session per week, usually on a weekend.

However, even that seems to be too much for me on the 50mg of Sertraline. Today has not exactly been fun and games with various bathroom visits to relieve my bowels, globus, and a tight chest that will not go away. I am struggling with my appetite again, and have eaten just a sandwich and a chocolate bar.

I slept well (1am-11am) but, since waking up, my eyes feel really heavy and they're quite tender when I stroke my eyelids under my spectacles. I feel very lethargic and sleepy, and - unfathomably after a 10-hour sleep - this feels as if this is out of pure exhaustion. I am due to be meeting my friends again to watch the FA Cup Final but I actually just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep :weep:

Emotionally, too, I feel as if I am all over the place. I am struggling to see past my present issues with anxiety and feel as if I will never conquer them. This results in me having a very low mood and I often feel as if I want to break down and cry... but I can't, presumably because of the Sertraline(?) and this is frustrating in itself as it feels like I am betraying myself by not showing my true emotions.

Thanks for reading anyway,
Peter x

Annie0904

11-05-13, 18:28

It isn't a good idea to drink with the meds and I am sure that is why you are having a bad day with tiredness.
You will conquer this Peter but it is still early days and you need time to heal just like any other illness.
Did you manage to meet your friends to watch the match? I am watching it at home.

NE21 worrier

12-05-13, 00:15

Hello Annie (and other readers),

Yes, I did still go into town to meet up with a couple of friends this time, and found that as soon as I made the effort to actually do something (i.e. drive into town), then I felt less anxious and tired and more relaxed. It really is a strange thing, the brain, and it is indeed early days!

Watched the game in the Union Rooms pub but stayed off the booze and had a couple of lemonades instead :) Also, probably more impressively still, I had all of a chicken caesar salad - I say this is "more impressive" because my appetite is usually the first thing I lose if I get anxious, and I have often been unable to finish meals out.

Back late as the three of us finished the night off watching Oblivion, the new Tom Cruise film, which was pretty good, better than I expected. Today did not start the best but I'm heading to bed with a glowing satisfaction that I am challenging this anxiety head on and beating it.

Some big challenges await before the end of the month, however. A week on Monday (20th), there is the wedding of my university friend in Peterborough. I intend to go down on the 19th after the Newcastle v Arsenal match and stay with another uni friend also based in Peterborough before heading back up on 21st. Then, on the 25th (BH Saturday), I'm due in Preston on a stag do for an old-school friend as he went to uni there.

I am little concerned as my anxiety levels always jump up hugely when I am away from my comfort zone at home, and I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable position. At the same time, I do want to live my life and I do not want to let my friends down.

Thanks,
Peter x

Annie0904

12-05-13, 13:14

My appetite always goes when I am anxious too..I have to be encouraged to eat food by who ever makes it.
You do have a busy few weeks. I have a really big challenge as I will be flying to Croatia bank holiday weekend :scared15:

NE21 worrier

13-05-13, 09:24

Good luck Annie, I'm sure it will be fine and you will enjoy yourself!

I've also got a holiday booked with my friends to east Europe (Ljubljana, Slovenia then Budapest, Hungary) in mid-June (and a day-trip to Blackpool the week before) - but I'm not even thinking about those things much yet. Going to see how I manage with the stuff in May first. I really think I do too much sometimes, though - it's no wonder I feel so overwhelmed :unsure:

Had a productive start to the week anyway. I've already visited the GP this morning for him to sign a Risk Assessment to allow me to start attending some sessions with the local Mind charity group. I'm now just waiting on a return call from the PCT about arranging my first therapy session back with the NHS. And my first session with the Right Core Care therapist is on Wednesday, which I must admit I am a little nervous about.

Annie0904

13-05-13, 09:31

Peter, Slovenia is my favourite country, it is so beautiful. If you get the chance make sure you visit Lake Bled and the castle there. The view from the castle is just amazing. Also take a boat over to the island in the middle of the lake. We walked right round the lake when we went. Also lake Lake Bohinj. There is a lovely waterfall there but it is quite a hike up to it.

NE21 worrier

13-05-13, 11:45

Thanks for the tips, Annie! I will mention them to my friends and it will look as if I've done a lot more research than I actually have

Meanwhile, as stated, I've had a productive morning. I've been to the GPs to get the Mind risk assessment forms ticked off, I've been in contact with the PCT and I now have an NHS appointment for therapy on Thursday at 10am in addition to my Right Core Care appointment on Wednesday at 1pm. And I've booked my train for the wedding in Peterborough.

Having done all that, I think I need to find something to do this afternoon (perhaps, shopping with mum) as I can feel my anxiety increasing again just sitting here online. My chest feels as if it has a weight on it and my throat feels tighter. There are a few reasons for this, I think:
1) My mum has explained this morning to my dad that the whole family (including my sister who does not live with us) is worried about his drinking - see http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=135052. I'm not sure what my dad has said but he has gone out for a walk on his own. I hope he is OK.
2) My new therapy sessions start this week - I want to get more out of them than I did last year.
3) Peterborough is now booked and I am committed to going on Sunday evening.
4) In addition to Peterborough, there is a stag do in Preston on the bank holiday including an Airsoft activity (similar to Paintball) which I am not particularly keen on. I would like to go on the trip but do not really want to do the activity. I've yet to explain this to the best man or groom as I think they will be disappointed in me.

Annie0904

13-05-13, 13:00

1) Your Mum has done the right thing mentioning this to your Dad and hopefully he has gone on a walk to think this through and will do something to put it right.
2) The fact that you WANT to get more out of it probably means you will.
3) Well done on booking it and I hope you have a great time.
4) Explain to your friends that you have not been feeling too well recently and although you will join them on the trip you will have to miss out on the activity as it may be a bit much for you at this stage.

NE21 worrier

13-05-13, 13:09

My dad is back now and things seem to be fine between my parents so I hope my dad has taken my mum's advice to heart. This has also helped me settle down again. I've had two bananas and started to listen to Durham in the cricket.

The weather is irritatingly deceptive - bright but the wind is horribly cold. Nevertheless, I am going to get myself off this computer and at least downstairs to see my mum, probably going shopping later.

Let us know how your afternoon goes. You're doing really well yourself. Always a pleasure to catch up with you here :happy:

bernie1977

13-05-13, 13:18

Reading through all this I can feel that you still have fight left in you and that shows your strength, try to hold on to that and you will win. It's good that you're still making arrangements and not letting the anticipatory anxiety prevent this, once again a show of strength.

Good luck and keep fighting :hugs:

NE21 worrier

13-05-13, 20:02

Bah! I've just had a friend (not the best man or groom) call me up about Preston, pretty much saying that I need to make a decision over what I am doing about it.

I need to stop dithering and buck up the courage to send a text message at least to the best man as the plan is for the bus to go straight from Newcastle to the airsoft place in Bolton.

I think that means I would have to sit on the bus like a saddo waiting for the others to finish if I choose not to partake, and while the best man (a pharmacist, no less) and groom are aware of my illness, I am not sure how I would explain that to some of the others. I think there are about 15-20 people going on the trip overall.

I've got a tight chest again just thinking about it :sad:

Annie0904

13-05-13, 20:24

Take a good book with you to read and just tell them you haven't been too good lately so need to give the activity a miss.

NE21 worrier

13-05-13, 20:44

Finally bucked up the courage to send a Facebook message to the pharmacist best man who is aware of my anxiety anyway. I can tell it has been read so I would expect a response soon. I wrote:

"Sorry I've not been in touch about the stag do... I guess I've been doing the equivalent of putting my fingers in my ears and hoping my concerns would go away.

"As you are probably aware from my blog, I've had a tough time of it recently again with my anxiety again, and in fact I'm signed off work at the moment. Thankfully, the situation seems to have settled a bit, and I'm taking 50mg of Sertraline daily as well as having some more therapy sessions commencing this week (on Thursday).

"Anyway, all that is background info. To be honest, my anxieties around the stag do are really only regarding the Airsoft. I've never done anything like it - I never even went to Laser Quest when I was younger and I don't play shoot-em-up games. Therefore my default position is to find it more than a bit scary.

"I realise you probably think I'm just being a bit of a wimp here but I am really unsure of my best option and so that is why I have yet to make any payment towards it. I do have a ninja costume sorted, courtesy of Jonathan, and I also have a hotel room booked (again sharing with J) so I'm definitely coming along for the evening bit at least.

"But I guess what I am asking is: Are there any others who are travelling down who aren't doing the Airsoft? And (assuming I do not partake here): while I am aware Airsoft people get priority on the bus, would I still have a place on the bus and just have to wait at the Airsoft site for you to finish?"

EDIT:
And, very quickly, having taken some decisive action, it feels as if my anxiety has relented a little bit - even though I haven't got a reply yet. When will I ever learn?!