CatherineH
03-05-13, 19:56
Hi - I have been married nearly 40 years but have recurring relationship OCD (can't think of any other way to describe it but it's out there on the internet, mainly from the US). I sometimes feel very panicky that I might not really love my husband. It sounds crazy but things can trigger it (and then after a while I feel OK again!) - usually comparing us to other couples we know (comparing is another obsession of mine!) or seeing something on television. We have talked about it loads and he tries to reassure me, but as with all obsessions the reassurance only works for a limited time before a 'what-if?' emerges. He's a lovely man - honest, totally trustworthy, kind, and the only person I can truly be myself with, who loves me unconditionally, and we share life philosophy, political views and ideals, as well as trips to theatre, countryside, walks etc. Because I am often anxious and depressed (I have a diagnosis of Borderline PD too) I get irritable and snappy and then feel terribly guilty about it and worry that that means I can't feel love. There are things we don't share - he isn't romantic and isn't that interested in clothes, for instance - and while that doesn't bother me much of the time, now and then it does, and then I worry that 'if I am so anxious about things like that I don't really love him'..... He puts up with a lot from me - I am not easy to live with though I do try to recognise my faults and we talk a lot. My depression and anxiety mean that I often don't feel happy or content and I feel so guilty about that and wonder if it's my marriage at fault that's causing it - even though I had issues of self esteem from my teens and have never felt OK about myself. I have such a lot to be thankful for but I wish I could shake this recurring anxiety - one of several obsessive worries! We've come through a lot of hard times bringing up two children, one of whom had a rare disability and mental health problems and I was hoping that once they were independent and we had more time to ourselves, I would feel better and more relaxed. The opposite has happened - I feel worse, more anxious, depressed and guilty and full of self loathing. I could go on, but I think that's enough for now - would welcome any constructive thoughts or contact with anyone who's been through anything similar.
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