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[existential crisis]

I started back at university today after suspending my studies for a year due to the anxiety and I have been really looking forward to it. I felt quite confident that going back there to finish my degree would be a good thing. I wasnt really that worried about it. But today I went there and all the old feelings flooded back to me - I havent felt so down for ages. I was coming back on the bus and all the old negative thoughts and feelings were there as strong as ever. I can't believe it! In the last few months I have had a normal life and the anxiety has been at a minimum so I havent a clue as to why this has happened. I feel the old sense of dread about being there, the lack of self-confidence about my studies, the worry of having to speak in class, the anxiety about group work and meeting new people. I'm absolutely flabbergasted at how rapidly my mental health deteriorated today! It's really thrown me. I was expecting some first day nerves because I have been out of the loop for a while but nothing like this. I'm pretty sure the reason for it is because I was at university when it all started and I obviously have negative associations with the place - hence everything flooding back to me today. I felt like the same lonely, anxious, miserable person I was last year - someone who constantly compares themselves to other more confident students and finds themselves wishing they were like that, something that only serves to make you feel more isolated and 'different'. I feel like I am back at square one, like all the therapy and help I had just hasnt made any difference, like my negative core beliefs are still essentially the same. I tried using the CBT/Claire Weekes methods that have served me so well in the past and they didnt really help because my negative beliefs today were so bloody strong! I am so hoping that this is a normal way to react and that it will become easier in time because today I feel more discouraged about everything than I have for ages. Sorry for ranting - just had to get this of my chest. If anyone has any advice or has been through something similar then please feel free to offer me some advice because I could do with it! Clare. xxx

*I think, therefore I am.*

[sarah1984]

Hi Claire!
I'm sorry to hear you're having difficulties. I've been off uni since March with generalized anxiety disorder and I was due to go back in October, but I was so scared and as I'm still having ups and downs, I decided to defer my return. I'm trying to work from home and it seems to be going well-my problem is I get into a real panic about assignments, even though I'm doing fine. So I guess you've been much braver than I have! Please don't think you're having a relapse-I appreciate how difficult it must be to get back in the system and it must feel really weird being there again, especially if you had a hard time before going away on leave. Have you contacted the uni counselling service-they can be a wonderful support and I hope your tutor knows how you feel and all about your difficulties. I think it's hard cos everyone assumes ppl have the time of their lives at uni, but if you scratch the surface, you'll find there's many who're far from happy. I'm quite a shy person, so I found uni societies a great way to get to know ppl outside the whole clubbing, boozing scene.
Like you, would be interested to hear from anyone who's been in the same situation and how they coped! Can I ask which uni you're at?
Best of luck and I hope things improve,
Sarah

[existential crisis]

Thanks for your reply, Sarah! You are so right about the assumption that everyone has the time of their lives there - I can say for one that that has not been my experience of the place! I've been back a few days now and I'm getting back into it. It was obviously just the bad memories coming back to me from before which made me feel a bit ropey, but me being me totally overblew it and assumed it was the start of the slippery slope back down. Once I realised that it was nothing more than a negative association I was able to start getting past it. I still felt slightly edgy although not as bad as to make me run back home!
I think you are wise to defer your return until you are feeling better, I know that when I was bad I pushed myself and it just wasnt the right thing to do. I needed to take time out to get a grip on the anxiety and to re-build my confidence to a point that I felt OK about going back and apart from the little wobble I had on the first day back it seems to have worked out OK. You shouldnt get into a panic about assignments - just try and relax before you get stuck in so your concentration is good and then try and lose yourself in the work. I find it can be a welcome distraction to have something to do that needs thinking about. Although I know it's hard not to worry about how well you are going to do! xxx

*I think, therefore I am.*

[Lenny]

You know there are lots of things and places where people say you will are having the time of your life like uni, holidays etc. I recently went on holidays with my booyfriend and could not leave the flat after day two! THe weather was amazing the place beautiful but I just could not. Don't worry about what people tell you it is how you feel is what counts. You can gain allot and you will just remember take it slow and be proud of what you achieve! You can do it and you will come out the other end but don't feel force to accept things. Fear only can live off fear it cannot live off pride happiness or strength and during the year you will get all these I hope!

Good luck !! And write and let us know how much stronger you are getting!

[neonpink_smurf]

Hello! I went back to uni today too! i hadn't taken a year off because i was determined to get through it and i did. For the past 5 months i'd been feeling much better but in the past two weeks and today, i've been getting those same feelings that i used to get too! i don't know why either. But i just wanted to write and assure you that you're not the only one and i am sure all these silly feelings will pass! I am sure it is the negative associations that are causing the feelings to come back but after a few days hopefully they will settle, i'm sure they will!
And congrats on going back, you'll do great.

[existential crisis]

Thanks for all your replies! I definately dont feel so alone in this now!
I'm definately going to stick it through, even though there are times when I feel like jacking it all in. I know that when I graduate I will be so proud of myself for achieving it, and that is what I'm going to focus on. I know I've been on here complaining about how crappy I felt with regards to going back but the bottom line is I'm just not prepared to admit defeat just yet, which is surely the most important thing.

Smurf, you are a braver bunny than me if you actually managed to get through it without taking time off!

Lenny, I totally know the feeling of not being able to appreciate what is 'good' in life because of fears, insecurities and general niggles. I know I'm not in a particularly bad place at the moment but sometimes I just feel a general malaise about everything. Which is a bugger because I know that in reality, things are really not that bad.

Thanks for all your lovely replies. Clare. xxx



*I think, therefore I am.*

[sarah1984]

Keep your chin up Claire, you're doing really well! And you too NeonPinkSmurf, I think you're very brave and admire you. Feel free to PM me.
Sarah :)