Lua
08-05-13, 00:15
Hello,
Below I have tried to sum up what I've been going through for the last year, although I've suffered with most of these feelings since I was about 13. I have finally decided to ring the doctor tomorrow and show them this (written on my phone).
I know you all can't give a medical diagnosis, and I can see that if this post was written by someone else, I would immediately think 'anxiety and depression issues'. However, because it is MY problem, I just think the doctor will dismiss it as typical young person angst, or, since it is exam period, exam stress.
I think this is because I sought help for feeling depressed when I was 13, I went to a different doctor as I was too scared to go to mine, and told them that I wanted to kill myself. They responded by warning me about how they won't prescribe any medication because "it will go on your records and you won't be able to get a job in the future".
When I was 15, I sought help for anxiety and occasionally having periods of wanting to kill myself. The doctor assigned a nurse to me for weekly "meetings" with my parents and I to discuss my issues. No personal therapy, but I could speak to the nurse alone if I wishes. Obviously, I wanted my parents to know about my issues but once the nurse met once with us she just asked a lot of questions relating to them as parents. It was horrible - I have the absolute best parents in the world and they are in no way part of my mental problems, they're the main reason I haven't completely given up many times.
Since then, I haven't contacted any professional about my mental health. So seeing the doctor is a big step.
Here is what I've written to the doctor, please tell me if you think I sound just like another young person who worries a bit or feels down now and then. I am also extremely embarrassed to tell the doctor about the pills I keep taking - because I know my logic is nonsense. I'm scared the doctor will think I'm some sort of addict, and try to treat me as such instead of addressing the reason as TL why I feel I need to take them once almost every day.
"Constant fear of something bad happening or that I'm doing something wrong
Need to perform rituals such as clicking buttons a certain number of times, washing hands (not too obsessively), or tapping, not using certain words when writing, otherwise the things I fear will come true. Even when I'm in a happy situation I go back to worrying about things, or just think about how I don't deserve what I have and that I will lose it
Even when something small happens like when I get something wrong in class or have a disagreement with my parents, I will feel absolutely worthless because of it. I very frequently can't get out of bed because I don't see the point in attending university and studying because I'm not good enough or smart enough to be there. I usually think I look ugly or that others think that way about me, and unless I leave the house with my make up and my
hair done perfectly I feel ugly.
For the past year or so, I've been extremely conscious/worried about the way I act/talk in front of others, which leads to me being unable to attend social events or mumbling in a tangent even if in my head I knew exactly what I was saying was normal/made sense. I often correct myself after these 'mistakes' even if the person understood what I said, because I feel that they think I'm an idiot. When I'm with others (even strangers) I always think they're judging me negatively about how I look and what I'm saying
I often focus on very specific fears like my parents becoming ill (even typing this required extreme effort and there is a voice saying that it is going to happen)
if my boyfriend doesn't text back for a while (which is at very most 12 hours or so most of the time) I become so anxious that he's going to leave me that I can't function for obsessing over it and spend the time crying/checking social networks and my phone constantly/trying to rationalise the situation that 'if he breaks up with me...'/'he WILL break up with me, but'
In the two years that we've been together, my anxieties have been right only once - in which he didn't break up with me, but told me how annoyed he was with me about how I acted one night when we were drunk
I also worry that my friends don't really like me and think badly of me
Affecting social life because I avoid a lot of social situations in fear of looking stupid or others judging me.
especially affecting university work, because my need to repeat actions or not use certain word means my notes aren't as they could be.
I don't use alcohol to control my thoughts because it always makes them worse, and for 1-3 days after drinking I feel much more anxious and depressed than usual. However
in the past month I have taken to having an antihistamine tablet every day in hope that the 'drowsiness' side effect calms me down so I can function properly, I know this most likely isn't true but I started doing it once in a while in the summer and sometimes I'm afraid to not take one in case my constant negative and obsessive thoughts ruin the day. If I'm feeling extremely anxious, ill take 2 and sometimes I take 3-4 paracetamol to make myself drowsy so I can have some rest/sleep
I'm not in any way dependent on taking these drugs - often ill find myself managing perfectly well without taking an antihistamine, but as soon as I remember I haven't taken it, I think "something will go wrong and you will panic or obsess if you don't take one".
Also, despite having not self harmed in years, about a year ago I started to get compulsions to do it when my fears turned in to 'this WILL happen' or when I felt like everything was going wrong in my life. Over the past few months I have self harmed about twice, and get compulsions to do it regularly"
Thank you so, so much for reading
I hope you're all well
x
Below I have tried to sum up what I've been going through for the last year, although I've suffered with most of these feelings since I was about 13. I have finally decided to ring the doctor tomorrow and show them this (written on my phone).
I know you all can't give a medical diagnosis, and I can see that if this post was written by someone else, I would immediately think 'anxiety and depression issues'. However, because it is MY problem, I just think the doctor will dismiss it as typical young person angst, or, since it is exam period, exam stress.
I think this is because I sought help for feeling depressed when I was 13, I went to a different doctor as I was too scared to go to mine, and told them that I wanted to kill myself. They responded by warning me about how they won't prescribe any medication because "it will go on your records and you won't be able to get a job in the future".
When I was 15, I sought help for anxiety and occasionally having periods of wanting to kill myself. The doctor assigned a nurse to me for weekly "meetings" with my parents and I to discuss my issues. No personal therapy, but I could speak to the nurse alone if I wishes. Obviously, I wanted my parents to know about my issues but once the nurse met once with us she just asked a lot of questions relating to them as parents. It was horrible - I have the absolute best parents in the world and they are in no way part of my mental problems, they're the main reason I haven't completely given up many times.
Since then, I haven't contacted any professional about my mental health. So seeing the doctor is a big step.
Here is what I've written to the doctor, please tell me if you think I sound just like another young person who worries a bit or feels down now and then. I am also extremely embarrassed to tell the doctor about the pills I keep taking - because I know my logic is nonsense. I'm scared the doctor will think I'm some sort of addict, and try to treat me as such instead of addressing the reason as TL why I feel I need to take them once almost every day.
"Constant fear of something bad happening or that I'm doing something wrong
Need to perform rituals such as clicking buttons a certain number of times, washing hands (not too obsessively), or tapping, not using certain words when writing, otherwise the things I fear will come true. Even when I'm in a happy situation I go back to worrying about things, or just think about how I don't deserve what I have and that I will lose it
Even when something small happens like when I get something wrong in class or have a disagreement with my parents, I will feel absolutely worthless because of it. I very frequently can't get out of bed because I don't see the point in attending university and studying because I'm not good enough or smart enough to be there. I usually think I look ugly or that others think that way about me, and unless I leave the house with my make up and my
hair done perfectly I feel ugly.
For the past year or so, I've been extremely conscious/worried about the way I act/talk in front of others, which leads to me being unable to attend social events or mumbling in a tangent even if in my head I knew exactly what I was saying was normal/made sense. I often correct myself after these 'mistakes' even if the person understood what I said, because I feel that they think I'm an idiot. When I'm with others (even strangers) I always think they're judging me negatively about how I look and what I'm saying
I often focus on very specific fears like my parents becoming ill (even typing this required extreme effort and there is a voice saying that it is going to happen)
if my boyfriend doesn't text back for a while (which is at very most 12 hours or so most of the time) I become so anxious that he's going to leave me that I can't function for obsessing over it and spend the time crying/checking social networks and my phone constantly/trying to rationalise the situation that 'if he breaks up with me...'/'he WILL break up with me, but'
In the two years that we've been together, my anxieties have been right only once - in which he didn't break up with me, but told me how annoyed he was with me about how I acted one night when we were drunk
I also worry that my friends don't really like me and think badly of me
Affecting social life because I avoid a lot of social situations in fear of looking stupid or others judging me.
especially affecting university work, because my need to repeat actions or not use certain word means my notes aren't as they could be.
I don't use alcohol to control my thoughts because it always makes them worse, and for 1-3 days after drinking I feel much more anxious and depressed than usual. However
in the past month I have taken to having an antihistamine tablet every day in hope that the 'drowsiness' side effect calms me down so I can function properly, I know this most likely isn't true but I started doing it once in a while in the summer and sometimes I'm afraid to not take one in case my constant negative and obsessive thoughts ruin the day. If I'm feeling extremely anxious, ill take 2 and sometimes I take 3-4 paracetamol to make myself drowsy so I can have some rest/sleep
I'm not in any way dependent on taking these drugs - often ill find myself managing perfectly well without taking an antihistamine, but as soon as I remember I haven't taken it, I think "something will go wrong and you will panic or obsess if you don't take one".
Also, despite having not self harmed in years, about a year ago I started to get compulsions to do it when my fears turned in to 'this WILL happen' or when I felt like everything was going wrong in my life. Over the past few months I have self harmed about twice, and get compulsions to do it regularly"
Thank you so, so much for reading
I hope you're all well
x