Throat and neck obsession ruining my life

[bibliophilic]

This obsession with my throat and neck is really ruining my life. To recap from my post before, it all started at the beginning of February when I coughed really hard and developed a lump feeling in my throat. This feeling made me unable to eat or drink much for about two months, and I lost a ton of weight, had to drop out of college, and basically lost precious time from my life just laying in bed and worrying. I went to a few doctors who generally brushed me off saying it was acid reflux or anxiety, without offering any medication or support. I had some tests done by my GI doctor and I generally seem fine from that point of view. After I had an endoscopy done and it was mostly normal, I started forcing myself to eat. I now get in about 800 calories per day (up from about 100) and am losing weight still but at a slower rate.

It still feels extremely uncomfortable to swallow anything and I have to obsess over what I can and cannot eat. Eating has become a terror for me. I can't eat out with friends or family and I only have a few things to choose from that I feel "safe" eating, despite trying to add new things to my list. I feel a constant tightness in my neck and throat--I can't look up at the ceiling without it feeling like my skin will rip--and sometimes the tightness and actual pain will spread to my collarbone, clavicle, jaw, behind my ear, and my skull. Another unfortunate problem is that I get sick about 50% of the time when I eat, I'm guessing because I went so long without eating and my body is still trying to get used to it.

Two nights ago, I was trying to lightly rub the right front of my neck when I apparently did something wrong, as I felt excruciating pain and almost passed out for about 3 seconds. Since then, that area feels tender, even painful if I swallow or move. This morning, I woke up and felt my neck and I felt a lump around my thyroid that didn't seem to be there previously.

Now, I'm trying to tell myself that it's all normal, it's muscles, I'm being too anxious, etc. I know that anxiety is making this all worse. BUT. I know that anxiety didn't cause this all to begin with (a hard cough did that for whatever reason), and I also know that serious thyroid problems run in the family, and I'm at the age and gender where thyroid problems are relatively common.

I can't get into a doctor until next week and I'm just trying not to panic. Some of these symptoms have manifested since the last time I went in, so I'm worried that something new has arisen that wasn't there before. Mainly, I'm afraid that I'll be disregarded again without a proper exam, as has happened in the past.

But even if there is something wrong, this anxiety just cannot go on. I know people with actual serious problems like cancer who don't obsess like this. I know it's not cancer and yet that offers me no comfort. Sometimes I almost wish it were cancer so that I could get an official diagnosis, as I hate not knowing what's going on. This anxiety and panic is ruining my life. Before this started, I was going to be graduating now, going to graduate school, moving off to a new apartment, etc. Now I do nothing and worry because I'm running out of money, as I feel unable to work since I feel horrible all the time.

How does one get through this? Nothing seems to help and sometimes I feel so hopeless. My friends and family think I'm weird now and I feel so alone. :weep:

[AllIhaveisme]

I really relate to your post. Maybe I can share my story with you so you know that you are not alone.

Back in December I made a brave, brave decision to divorce my husband of 12 years who was mentally abusive to me and our children and hasn't held a job in over 5 years. I was working 2 jobs, going to the gym 4-6 days a week, and taking care of everything (he didn't cook or do things like laundry, etc). So, he left and the first couple weeks were hard and then... then... I just soared. My kids started daycare (he moved 5 hours away so went from stay at home dad to NO help for me at all), I continued to work out doing Insanity 6 days a week, working full time, house and kids always clean, everybody fed and happy. Really motivated and excited to start life.

Then, March 7th (yes I remember the date) I woke up and found a large lump on the side of my neck. It was a Thursday and I couldn't get in until Tuesday to the dr. By that time, there were now 2 more at the back of my neck. The dr said he thought either mono, HIV, hepatitis, or cancer. Insert pure terror here. I will bore you with all the details but basically for the past 9 weeks and 1 day, I have continued to find new swollen lymph nodes all over in my neck, I have them in my groin and above my collar bone as well.

My life unraveled before my eyes. I began to miss work, my house was trashed all the time, I couldn't function, I had all the very scary symptoms of anxiety and some of a bazillion other things. I cried all the time, felt funny all the time. Stopped working out, gained 20lbs, couldn't function, I was FAILING in every. aspect. of. my. life. I have palpated my neck so much that Im pretty sure I have given myself muscle spasms, stiff neck, sore neck. I go to the mirror and check my neck and feel it all day long. I have even become obsessed watching others necks and how they move, I watch myself eat and talk, bend and turn just looking for something.

Recently I noticed a click when I swallow. Seriously, I probably did that to myself as well. On my less anxious days, I see the downward spiral I have taken. On really anxious days, I feel like my neck isn't going to be able to take this anymore and that I must have neck/throat cancer and its all just withering away in disease. Im pretty sure I have a virus right now due to sore throat and I have a huge 3cm node under my jaw swollen and all of the others are swelled up really big as well. If I am being honest, I don't know how many are swollen because I am touching them all the time.

Ugh. I wish I had the answer. My drs act VERY scared for me. By the time they examine me and review all the test I have had, they try to reassure me that this doesn't seem bad but it never works. I have had dr's offer me Ativan and walk out the door on me. Its so frustrating and scary and I wish I could make this go away for both of us. :weep:

[bibliophilic]

Your story sounds so horrible and sad. I'm sorry that you're going through all that. I, too, can remember the start date of all this--the night of Feb 2. We've both been dealing with these issues for way too long. It also sounds like we both had the rug pulled out from under us just when we were reaching prime parts of our lives. Before this I was happy, excited about my future, optimistic, just having a good time. You got rid of the dead weight husband and were setting out to do your own thing. (PS: That's AWESOME!!!! I grew up in a very abusive household and my mother is still married to him, so you're amazing for taking the plunge!!) And I also have the obsession, the mind-crushing, overwhelming, awful obsession: with my own neck (feeling it all the time, trying to stretch it, seeing if I can feel anything) and others (looking to see if other people have the tension that my neck seems to have, seeing how others swallow, being terrified that my cats will choke--yes, even putting this onto my CATS!!!!!!).

Sometimes I'm okay. I'll take my mind off of it and it'll only be there at about 60% intensity instead of 10000%. But it's always there. Doesn't matter if I take Klonopin or a hot shower or have a neck massage. Always there to some degree. That's why I don't think it can just be anxiety--I've had anxiety issues before, they never manifested as this, and it always went away, especially with Klonopin. And anxiety didn't cause it. But it's absolutely destroying my life as I'm obsessed.

I guess one of the biggest problems is that NOBODY here seems to get it. My mother never wants to talk about it, but sometimes she'll make comments about all the great foods she's eating lately (as my diet consists of mashed potatoes and pasta and smoothies), and how I'll be dead soon since I don't eat enough. My friends really distanced themselves because I could no longer go out with them and they think I'm weird--I'm 24 and this doesn't seem to be very common in people this age. So I feel very lonely and silenced. Doctors never really listen and half the ones I saw didn't even bother touching my neck.

If you don't mind, what tests and medications have you tried for your issue? :hugs:

[AllIhaveisme]

Yes, your story mimics mine so much. I have had anxiety as well in the past but NOTHING like this. Nothing. I would be driving or doing something supposed to be fun (even on vacation with my sister) and out of nowhere my energy would be zapped, my head would feel funny, I'd get light headed and dizzy, chest get tight. It doesn't "feel" like anxiety at all. And then, of course even though I am always, always thinking about the nodes, I zone right onto them. And usually pretty quickly Id be frantically checking my nodes over and over and sobbing into a blubbery mess of panic.

Everyone in my life is either A) scared I really do have something sinister or B) blowing me off as anxiety. Is it bad that I get terrified when somebody acts really concerned about my nodes (OMG, see? She's scared, I should be too. This is bad, its not just me, there is something going on and aunt Reba even thinks so! I just KNOW Im dying!!) Ugh, its horrible. And if they say its anxiety, Im like "Really, wanna feel these damn things?!?! They are REAL, why don't you believe me?" It's no win.

Im on Zoloft since 4/15 and its helped tremendously. I also do have and use Ativan a few times a week. They just put me on antibiotics which I wanted to try. I also began taking Vitamin C, fish oil, zinc, iron (I was anemic on all 3 of my blood test), b12 complex vitamins, and daily claritan. I even go desperate and self removed my own IUD, stripped my bed completely naked (had just got new bedding before this started) and I stopped using anything I was using before like acne cream. I have been DESPERATE for answers. I even started going to church and I carry a bible everywhere.

I am 29. My divorce isn't final (thank you for the comment on that, its something I grapple with daily if I am doing the right thing, if this would be happening if I didn't give up on my marriage. My dad is abusive in the exact ways as my husband and my mother is still married and miserable with him so that's my driving force as well). I am looking for a cheaper, smaller house. Im giving up all the things Ive worked for, the house, the horses, the land, the kids huge yard... and seeking an apartment. Because this is all too much and this has derailed my life.

So, yeah that's a lot of stress. But, lymph nodes cant possibly be due to that, I cant seem to believe it. I mean, 1 or 2 ok. But I have 2 in each side of my groin, about 4 above my left collar bone, 2 on the back of my neck by the hairline, 6 up and down the left side of my neck, and gosh.... 12 or more down the right side that have all popped up one by one over 9 weeks. I got 2 new ones this week. Now this throat thing, too. Hard to swallow, sore, feeling closed off, and this loud annoying, sometimes sore click when I swallow.

It doesn't end. Im so tired of this. If it weren't for Zoloft right now, Im afraid of where I might be. I had moments where I'd rather have not been breathing at all then dealing with this. I have let my ex and my parents know my final wishes. I mean, it's horrible. Things were so good....

---------- Post added at 17:34 ---------- Previous post was at 17:32 ----------

Oh and test: I have had blood taken 5 times. 3 complete counts (everything basically), 1 for a red blood cell morphology that showed no mutations, and 1 to test for HIV, Hepatitis, looking for leukemia, mono and checking thyroid. I had a chest xray (clear) as well. The dr doesn't want to send for biopsy yet because they aren't big (all around 1cm).

---------- Post added at 17:37 ---------- Previous post was at 17:34 ----------

Oh and just tested the day before yesterday (blood draw #6) because I asked them to redo mono and test for Lymes.