DancingQueen
13-05-13, 07:23
I will start off by saying that I have had OCD since I was very young, probably around the age of 5 is when I started to show early signs. I am now in my mid 20s and despite my trying several treatments, I still have consistent symptoms. My obsessions change often while my compulsions are usually the same (reasurrance seeking, LOTS of cleaning, double checking, etc.) When I experience an obsession, it is often triggered by an event..and is usually something I have never even have a second thought until it is brought to my attention. It almost feels like I sometimes hear that one magic phrase, or that one random event happens that just "latches" onto that part of my brain that obsesses over things. Other times, I simply obsess over a group of about 3 things that I have consistently worried about for many years...and an episode can last for as little as a few days to months on end, and also, disappear and reappear without being triggered.
As for my current issue, I have experienced something that has caused me a great deal of mental distress. A couple of nights ago, I unexpectantly came upon a dui checkpoint. I was driving back from a major city on my way home. I make this drive regularly 3 times a week to either go to my dance class and/or visit my boyfriend (of 9 years who had to move an hour from me to take a job in this city). This was only the second time I had ever encountered a roadblock of any kind while making this commute. I had no worries at all. Seatbelt was already on, as always. I pulled up and the officer immediately puts this huge flashlight in my face..which although intrusive, I already anticipated this happening as it always does at a dui check. He explains that it was a checkpoint blah blah and asked me if I had anything to drink tonight. I simply said "no sir." He then said, where are you coming from. I reply "I am coming from *name of city*" He then says "It sounds like you planned those answers, I need you to pull over to the side to investigate further." At this point, my heart starts beating so hard I thought it would thump out of my chest. A million thoughts were running through my mind..."omg, why is this happening?" "I don't understand" "but I do not even drink" "why did he think I looked suspicious?" "is he trying to set me up" "am i going to be falsely imprisoned?" So I pull over to the side and he approaches my passenger side and asks me to roll the window down. I comply. He asks me to do the test where you count to four over and over while touching your fingers to your thumb. Now, I was nervous but certainly in total control of my mental faculties. So, I do the test over and over and over til he tells me to stop, and did the test VERY well. He then just coldly says "free to go."
Here is the kicker: I have never taken a drink in my life, EVER. I have never even so much as smoked a cigarette. A huge part of my ocd is that I am afraid of what substances might do to my body. I won't even take medications for an illness unless it is absolutely necessary. I have and will continue to just deal with pain, discomfort, etc. no matter how bad it is and flat out avoid medications. I am very afraid of illegal drugs even more so. I grew up in a good home but my mother and her side of the family have always had serious alcohol and drug problems. My brother has been an addict his entire life and I remember making many trips to jail to get him out when I was younger and seeing him drunk or high, as well as his friends. This is where my fears started. I became very afraid of the thought of not being in control of my mind. But, this isn't just an ocd thing. I am what you call "straight edge" i suppose. I feel very very VERY strongly about not drinking or doing drugs. I do not even feel comfortable being in a close distance with someone else drinking. I don't have a lot of friends because of this, but the few I do respect me enough to not drink in front of me or to ask me to go anywhere with them where alcohol will be consumed. It is a way of life to me and though some of it may be rooted in fear, I am very proud of this part of myself as I believe that substance abuse is main thing wrong with society, I know how it has torn many families apart and all the violence that it inspires. It truly is a moral issue with me. Now, I don't demean people who are responsible as it is not my business what people do in their own homes and I realize I am in the minority in my beliefs as well. I certainly am not going to make an assumption that anyone who chooses to drink is a bad person; I am simply saying that it is just something that I choose not to do.
Keeping this in mind, I have been very distressed since this situation happened to me. A normal person could probably shrug it off but with my ocd and general anxiety, it has not let my mind rest for a moment..so I suppose this is a new obsession for me. I now feel afraid of making that drive again and I am afraid of cops now in general. I don't want to be that way but I can't help it. I feel stupid for letting this get to me and I blame myself that I could have said or done something differently so that he wouldn't have detained me. But my logical self is honestly 100 percent confused as to why this even happened. I was of course, 1100000 percent sober, as I am every day of my life. I was breaking no laws, had license, registration..everything that I needed (though he oddly didn't ask to see them). My eyes were clear, I feel like I answered his questions politely and did so honestly..but yet I don't understand why he chose to think I was lying. I am generally nervous when I talk to strangers and cops are super intimidating to begin with but I wasn't very obvious about my nervousness. I was no unkempt looking either. With all this being so, I have no other reason to believe he did this other than to bully me. That is what it felt like. I was innocent and he had NO reason to think otherwise..but yet, he made me feel like an incompetent person, a criminal. I felt violated because I didn't even have to legally answer any of his questions, which are by nature very intrusive, but I did so any way because I try to be a good helpful person and I wanted to comply with him to make his job easier..but yet, that got turned around on me and he accused me of lying. I don't know what I did wrong, I honestly don't. I have never even been pulled over before in 9 years of driving. I don't have a lot of experience talking to cops, I'll admit that...but I never knew an innocent person actually needed experience. I was just being myself and being honest and now knowing that isn't enough, scares me to the core of my soul. What if he was not satisfied with that test he gave me and kept making me take them? What if he just decided to arrest me even though I passed the tests? The tests results are subjective to the officer..there is no official protocol and I feel soo lucky that he only gave the one test because my anxiety was through the roof and I don't know how I would have handled the extra stress. I can't help that I have anxiety issues but I am sure a cop would see that as "guilty" behavior. I just feel trapped now, scared to leave my house. I wasn't nervous about roadblocks before because the first one was no big deal and all they did was shine the light and check license plates and send me on my way. Now, I will FOR SURE be very nervous coming up to a roadblock...and there is no way they wouldn't see that as a sign that I am "impaired." I feel so angry at this man. Surely he knows an impaired person when he sees one and there is just NO way he could have seriously thought that I was intoxicated. I think he maybe just had a slow night and wanted to harass me because I was a lone female traveling at night. Even if his intentions were pure, I am still very angry at that man. He could have apologized..or something, anything. Because of what he did, I have been crying, worried, and with a nervous stomach for the past 2 days. I am self blaming too. If I didn't have ocd, I would have came off as a more "confident" person and he wouldn't have ran over me like that. And if I didn't look so ugly or tired in the face he wouldn't have suspected me either. I just don't know. I think drunk driving is a horrible thing to do, and I want them to get caught. But I don't understand why innocent people have to be treated this way in the process. How will I have the guts to drive at night again? I feel like I have lost my control...like, if a cop just thinks you "look" drunk or doesn't like the way you sound, BOOM you are in jail. I feel so frightened at the this thought:weep:
As for my current issue, I have experienced something that has caused me a great deal of mental distress. A couple of nights ago, I unexpectantly came upon a dui checkpoint. I was driving back from a major city on my way home. I make this drive regularly 3 times a week to either go to my dance class and/or visit my boyfriend (of 9 years who had to move an hour from me to take a job in this city). This was only the second time I had ever encountered a roadblock of any kind while making this commute. I had no worries at all. Seatbelt was already on, as always. I pulled up and the officer immediately puts this huge flashlight in my face..which although intrusive, I already anticipated this happening as it always does at a dui check. He explains that it was a checkpoint blah blah and asked me if I had anything to drink tonight. I simply said "no sir." He then said, where are you coming from. I reply "I am coming from *name of city*" He then says "It sounds like you planned those answers, I need you to pull over to the side to investigate further." At this point, my heart starts beating so hard I thought it would thump out of my chest. A million thoughts were running through my mind..."omg, why is this happening?" "I don't understand" "but I do not even drink" "why did he think I looked suspicious?" "is he trying to set me up" "am i going to be falsely imprisoned?" So I pull over to the side and he approaches my passenger side and asks me to roll the window down. I comply. He asks me to do the test where you count to four over and over while touching your fingers to your thumb. Now, I was nervous but certainly in total control of my mental faculties. So, I do the test over and over and over til he tells me to stop, and did the test VERY well. He then just coldly says "free to go."
Here is the kicker: I have never taken a drink in my life, EVER. I have never even so much as smoked a cigarette. A huge part of my ocd is that I am afraid of what substances might do to my body. I won't even take medications for an illness unless it is absolutely necessary. I have and will continue to just deal with pain, discomfort, etc. no matter how bad it is and flat out avoid medications. I am very afraid of illegal drugs even more so. I grew up in a good home but my mother and her side of the family have always had serious alcohol and drug problems. My brother has been an addict his entire life and I remember making many trips to jail to get him out when I was younger and seeing him drunk or high, as well as his friends. This is where my fears started. I became very afraid of the thought of not being in control of my mind. But, this isn't just an ocd thing. I am what you call "straight edge" i suppose. I feel very very VERY strongly about not drinking or doing drugs. I do not even feel comfortable being in a close distance with someone else drinking. I don't have a lot of friends because of this, but the few I do respect me enough to not drink in front of me or to ask me to go anywhere with them where alcohol will be consumed. It is a way of life to me and though some of it may be rooted in fear, I am very proud of this part of myself as I believe that substance abuse is main thing wrong with society, I know how it has torn many families apart and all the violence that it inspires. It truly is a moral issue with me. Now, I don't demean people who are responsible as it is not my business what people do in their own homes and I realize I am in the minority in my beliefs as well. I certainly am not going to make an assumption that anyone who chooses to drink is a bad person; I am simply saying that it is just something that I choose not to do.
Keeping this in mind, I have been very distressed since this situation happened to me. A normal person could probably shrug it off but with my ocd and general anxiety, it has not let my mind rest for a moment..so I suppose this is a new obsession for me. I now feel afraid of making that drive again and I am afraid of cops now in general. I don't want to be that way but I can't help it. I feel stupid for letting this get to me and I blame myself that I could have said or done something differently so that he wouldn't have detained me. But my logical self is honestly 100 percent confused as to why this even happened. I was of course, 1100000 percent sober, as I am every day of my life. I was breaking no laws, had license, registration..everything that I needed (though he oddly didn't ask to see them). My eyes were clear, I feel like I answered his questions politely and did so honestly..but yet I don't understand why he chose to think I was lying. I am generally nervous when I talk to strangers and cops are super intimidating to begin with but I wasn't very obvious about my nervousness. I was no unkempt looking either. With all this being so, I have no other reason to believe he did this other than to bully me. That is what it felt like. I was innocent and he had NO reason to think otherwise..but yet, he made me feel like an incompetent person, a criminal. I felt violated because I didn't even have to legally answer any of his questions, which are by nature very intrusive, but I did so any way because I try to be a good helpful person and I wanted to comply with him to make his job easier..but yet, that got turned around on me and he accused me of lying. I don't know what I did wrong, I honestly don't. I have never even been pulled over before in 9 years of driving. I don't have a lot of experience talking to cops, I'll admit that...but I never knew an innocent person actually needed experience. I was just being myself and being honest and now knowing that isn't enough, scares me to the core of my soul. What if he was not satisfied with that test he gave me and kept making me take them? What if he just decided to arrest me even though I passed the tests? The tests results are subjective to the officer..there is no official protocol and I feel soo lucky that he only gave the one test because my anxiety was through the roof and I don't know how I would have handled the extra stress. I can't help that I have anxiety issues but I am sure a cop would see that as "guilty" behavior. I just feel trapped now, scared to leave my house. I wasn't nervous about roadblocks before because the first one was no big deal and all they did was shine the light and check license plates and send me on my way. Now, I will FOR SURE be very nervous coming up to a roadblock...and there is no way they wouldn't see that as a sign that I am "impaired." I feel so angry at this man. Surely he knows an impaired person when he sees one and there is just NO way he could have seriously thought that I was intoxicated. I think he maybe just had a slow night and wanted to harass me because I was a lone female traveling at night. Even if his intentions were pure, I am still very angry at that man. He could have apologized..or something, anything. Because of what he did, I have been crying, worried, and with a nervous stomach for the past 2 days. I am self blaming too. If I didn't have ocd, I would have came off as a more "confident" person and he wouldn't have ran over me like that. And if I didn't look so ugly or tired in the face he wouldn't have suspected me either. I just don't know. I think drunk driving is a horrible thing to do, and I want them to get caught. But I don't understand why innocent people have to be treated this way in the process. How will I have the guts to drive at night again? I feel like I have lost my control...like, if a cop just thinks you "look" drunk or doesn't like the way you sound, BOOM you are in jail. I feel so frightened at the this thought:weep: