Im so tired of this, just feel like giving up or ending it all.

[AllIhaveisme]

I just want all of this to stop. It started with lumps in my neck. I was convinced I had hypothyroidism or thyroid cancer or lymphoma. My tsh is normal, my blood counts are normal, chest xray normal, blood cell morphology normal. I OBSESS about the lymph nodes, daily. Last week it kind of switched to an obsession about my neck. I have poked and prodded it so much that I don't know if I have caused damage at this point. All I know is I feel a hard click when I swallow that really bothers me. I just noticed a little bit ago that the muscle that goes up the side of my neck is really sore to the touch now, I rubbed it quite a bit since I realized it was sore, looking for bumps and now its aching and my head is feeling heavy. this morning I couldn't swallow but its not lump in throat, its more like lower (gullet I guess??). Now I cant stop obsessively swallowing. IM SO SICK OF THIS!!!! when is it going to end? My symptoms are almost always transient, which makes me think its in my head (except the nodes, those are not, all the dr's can feel them). BUT THEY KEEP COMING! I get new swollen bumps all the time. I want my life back. Today my head feels "off", Im having a very hard time focusing, Im easily distracted by surrounding noises if Im doing something and lose track of my thoughts. I had to focus on my sight test to renew my license and barely made it through. Something is wrong in my head and I am SOOOOOO scared.

As if going through a divorce isn't enough. As if being abandoned with 3 kids isn't enough. As if losing everything isn't enough. As if moving isn't enough. As if working 2 jobs and doing everything on my own isn't enough. Some days I would rather not be breathing. I started Zoloft. It helps. I just increased the dose. But I don't want to need it, and I desperately do.

Desperate. That's a good word for me, for my life. I am desperate. Desperate for help, desperate for answers, desperate to feel normal again. It's all too much for me to bear. Id rather go to sleep and never wake up. :weep:

[Mipsy]

Aw honey, I'm sorry you are feeling so low.
I have posted with very similar. I am worried about a lump in my neck.
I'm also a mum with young children and I'm sure everything you do is for them. Don't give up. Sometimes work, kids, life can be very stressful and with HA on top, sometimes tiredness can sweep over you and a way forward can be difficult to see.
I think you sound like a lovely lady who has a future once you get yourself settled.
Keep posting. We are all here to help x x

[southernbelle]

I'm so sorry that you feel this way. Several years ago I was a constant checker and obsessed with every tiny symptom that popped up. However, now my HA comes in smaller doses and waves. It does get better with time, and if you find outlets to turn to, support. At first, I had to keep my mind busy with new hobbies. If my hands were busy, my mind wasn't wandering as much. Post here, get support...and ask for help. Don't despair, you can get through this storm of life!

[Andy699]

I agree with southernelle, and I too am really sorry that you're feeling this way. I'm only 18 but I sometimes feel like my anxiety is destroying my life. It's so hard to see all of my friends and family having a good time and enjoying life and then I'm just sitting in a corner somewhere worrying :/ bit everyone on here feels some kind of anxiety and I think it's great that we can all support each other! Chin up :)

[sparkle_1979]

Sorry your having such an awful time of it :( I have bumps all over my neck I have a lump in my throat ad I've often had a click wen I swallow ( not went eating mind. )

Things will get better x

[Therealiststeez]

Your not alone man . I'm 17 and I deal with a stupid amount of stress/anxiety/deppresion/ you name it . Witch seems a little hard to believe from somone my age . Witch also makes it so hard looking foward on my future when I spend all my time worrying . Just keep on . Keep your head up . You gon be alright ! Plenty of good things to come .

---------- Post added at 01:31 ---------- Previous post was at 01:27 ----------

My fault I didn't mean to put "man" . :doh:

[SeroxVet]

Hi. I think you're being incredibly hard on yourself. Even someone with perfectly good mental health would be seriously struggling going through only some of what you're going through. You say: "I started Zoloft. It helps. I just increased the dose. But I don't want to need it, and I desperately do." That is good that it helps. For some, medication doesn't really help. Yes, you probably do need it, at this incredibly difficult point in time. That doesn't mean you will always need it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking medication when you are feeling the way you are feeling.
Hope you feel better soon. Take care

[panicperson]

I bet your body is so emotionally drained with all that's happening, that your bound to have little lumps and bumps. I am presuming here, but with all that stress u may not be eating or drinking enough. Your body is probably tired.
I get swollen neck, inability to swallow and heavy head. Prob due to work stress and tiredness. This site is fab for support. Keep talking!xx