Is it Separation Anxiety Disorder?

[elouber]

Hi,

I am literally at the point that I want to end my life and see no other option for me in this hell that I am living in. This is going to be a long post but I really need any sort of advice, help, comfort anyone can give, because I seriously cannot do this anymore.

I am 21 years old and I cannot be without my parents. From a very young age I could not deal with my mother being even out of eyesight from me and would scream the place down until she came back and I could see her again. All through early education I had fears of being away from my parents and would begrudgingly go to school but rush out as soon as school was over to be back with my mum. I never used to sleep unless my mum sat at the end of the bed and waited for me to drift off. I never went on any school trips that meant being away from home for even one night, and always made up excuses not to go to sleepovers or events that would mean being away from home or my parents for longer than I felt comfortable.

This routine has followed me throughout my whole life to the point that when I plucked up the courage to book a girls holiday away abroad for a week at 18 I convinced myself that I would be able to go and conquer my fears. The day before I was due to leave I crumbled, had panic attack after panic attack and ended up giving in to my demons and waving my friends off to have a week in the sun having fun, whilst I wallowed at home.

I ended up giving up a place at university which I had strived so hard to get to study Journalism, even though I was planning on staying at home and travelling in everyday, because I couldnt bear the thought that I would have to socialise with people my own age who would then want to go and do things that I couldnt do due to my fears or being away from home and my parents.

I now work in a dead end retail job, which has become my security blanket as it is safe and familiar and I know the people there, but I hate my work and feel so degraded and alone. Most people who work with me are just there until the economic climate picks up (whenever it will!) and then they'll be moving on and out of home to start their lives properly. Most of them are dating, going on holidays with friends, boyfriends etc, and have social lives. I spend every night at home with my parents watching TV, surfing the internet and ocassionaly reading. I have a couple of friends who I gained at school who also didnt go to university (wasn't their thing) who I go out with once in a blue moon to the cinema or out of for dinner and whilst I appreciate the company I cant help but feel that Im just going out for the sake of trying to prove that I am not totally crazy. I also go out to dinner with a couple of the girls from work every now and then, but again this is always for the same reason.

My parents went on holiday for the first time without me last year and I hated it. I hardly ate for the whole week they were away and the first couple of days I had crippling panic attacks and stressed out completely. When they came back I felt such a sense of relief and forgot about the troubles I had had when they were away. However this week they admitted that they had booked another holiday away, in celebration of my Dad's 50th birthday, for 10 days and I literally fell apart. I spent days not eating, panic attacks at night, thoughts running through my mind as to how I was going to be able to cope, what I would do if x,y or z went wrong or I couldn't deal with it. My reaction did not go unnoticed and my parents have now admitted defeat and have cancelled the holiday, leaving them terribly out of pocket and both stressed out. They have both said now that they will never be able to go on holiday together and have said if one of them needs a holiday, they will go with a friend, whilst the other stays at home with me, and vice versa. We have no extended family, it is literally just me and my parents, and whilst we have a couple of close family friends who are aware of my troubles and who always offer for me to stay with them if my parents go away, or even for one of them to come and live with me whilst they are gone, I would still feel terrible, and at the end of the day this is just covering up a problem for a certain period of time rather than dealing with the issues that I have. My parents have also told me they both feel that I will never move out of home, and that I will never have experiences like I should like falling in love, having a child, a good job, a home of my own or anything that life should really be about.

I have never had a boyfriend, I find it hard to socialise with people my own age as I feel like if I admitted to someone my true feelings/fears they would drop me and run a mile (and I wouldnt blame them to be honest). I have never felt comfortable having friends come over to my house, or stay over (I don't understand why this is, I just don't). All the way through growing up I never really wanted to socialise, and this is probably due to the fact that socialising in essence takes me away from my home and my parents.

I am petrified about my future, and at 21 years of age that kills me. If this is what the next 50 or so years of my life has in store for me then I want nothing more to do with it. I have already looked at suicide websites and think i know how I would kill myself, the only thing that is holding me back is if if was not successful (did not kill me) and the consequences that would bring afterwards. My mother has told me that she would be devastated if I killed myself and it would hurt her and my dad, but the thing that would help her cope with the loss would be that fact that I was never happy on earth, and lived my life in total dread at what my future held. My parents are both totally exhausted with the stress I am causing and what this is doing to our family and I fear that one of them will leave to try and salvage some sort of life as they grow older, and/or they will also try and harm themselves in order to escape this hell that we are living in that I have created.

I don't want the moon, or riches, or anything other than a life. A life in which I can be independent and live on my own, or with a friend or boyfriend/husband and of course still be close to my parents, but for them to be able to have a life also without me and to enjoy growing old together in peace. I want to be able to leave my current job if offered another position in the industry I wish to work in and be able to adjust to my new positon without absolutely crippling fear. My parents have done nothing wrong, and yet they have ended up with a wreck of a daughter who cannot function without them.

I have been on various different medications for depression and anxiety since the age of 12. I've tried pretty much every SSRI going, and am currently taking pregablin for anxiety with nothing else as I've had some bad physical reactions to some SSRI's in the past. My parents have both commented that I am much easier to talk to and socialise with since being off the anti depressants as on them they refer to me as being like a 'zombie'; not really present, very switched off and isolated. However my fears either on medication or off have not subsided. I have tried CBT on three separate occasions, but have never seen a full cycle of sessions through as I feel CBT is very 'wishy-washy' and doesnt really get to the issues I have and how I can deal with them.

I am literally at the end of my tether, if I cant find any light at the end of the tunnel then I don't believe I will see this year out. I honestly believe that I will end my life.

Does anybody else out there recognise anything that I am going through, has anyone conquered this, or something like this and how did you do it? Where do I go from here and how can I make something good happen in all of this darkness?

[gypcyg]

Hi Elouber, have you tried talking to a councilor or psychologist? It seems to me that you know that there is a root cause why you feel totally dependent on your parents and you really need to find out what that cause is before you can make any sort of progress (the tablets will mask the problem, not solve it).

I can sympathise with your feelings of suicide - I spent most of my late teens until my early thirties feeling the same - I really wish there was a magic wand to wave that could help you immediately but unfortunately there isn't :( I just want you to know that YOU CAN turn things around and make your life worth living - Everyone has the possibility to do this, I guarantee that life gets easier to cope with as you get older and wiser.

So my advice is to make a plan of action to find out the reasons why you feel like you do! Good luck :)

[Anxious_gal]

Wow. Well done for being so honest x
You're parents really are enabling you which is not good for you long term n I wonder if that is why you never out grew the natural fear of being separated from your parents.

You need serious therapy, n CBT, practising being alone.
I think I've more a fear of being alone, without a friend, family member, someone I can't trust.
My anxiety is always far higher when I'm all alone.

I've had anxiety since I was a kid, it's gotten better, it's gotten worse then better.
It's one of those things you're always going to work on but therapy is a must, it can be hard to find a therapist that works well for you.
Meds can be rather helpful too.

I dunno I think you need to spend more time away from your parents.
Maybe stay at a friends, a family members or even hospital.
You need to practice being with out them, go through the fears and panic, learn that you'll be fine in the end. Realize you can actually cope and nothing bad happens.

With me anyway it's about the practice. The more I go out and do things the easier it gets and then that helps my confidence.

You need to commit though . Start small like staying alone for an hour and then slowly increase the time spent alone.

If you can afford to, I would try and find a good therpist who deals with anxiety and phobias.

You seem to have a good support system and friends who seem rather nice : )

You should google CBT4panic or take a look at the CBT forum : )

How bad is your fear? Are they any things you can do without the parents?

Sorry you've anxiety too :( it does feel like a curse at times x

[cattia]

That sounds like a very tough situation for you and your family. The real problem is that you have been in this pattern for so long that your beliefs have been enforced strongly over a long period of time. You have never actually spent time away and so your perception that you can't cope with it has never truly been challenged. The one time that your parents did leave, you had a horrible time so that has reinforced your belief that you can't cope without them. Them going on holiday was probably too tough a challenge for you to face all at once because you had no control over it, you just had to wait until they came back.
There is defintiley hope for you, and you sound like a bright person who could have a great future, but you have to take things one step at a time. I agree that CBT addreses behaviour but not always the underlying cause. I would have thought that in your case maybe it needs to be combined with some more intensive therapy like psychotherapy or something like that.
You also don't have a great number of alternatives to your current situation, since you don't have that many people you want to spend time with, or places that you want to go to. You need to work on building these things up one at a time and with a good network of professional support. It may well be that your parents need to be a part of this therapy as well since the way that they are acting might not be helping you, although of course they are probably just doing the best they can to support you.
What was your relationship like with them when you were growing up? Were you ill a lot and relied on them to look after you? Were they over protective? Do you have any brothers or sisters? There are lots of things from your childhood that could have contributed to this and I am sure your parents need to work with you if possible, to change the way you all relate to one another. Suicide might seem like it would take all this pain away but it would be a very tragic outcome, and there are so many opportunities out there for you which you have to believe can be yours.

[elouber]

Thank you for replying.

I can be alone without my parents, I work full time, often my days off are not with theirs etc, plus I do go out and do things like shopping or going for a swim or something without them or anyone else. I can also deal with them going away for things like weekends away and stay at home by myself (although I don't particularly like sleeping home alone so often sleep with the tv on)

I am an only child, the troubles my parents had with me sleeping when I was younger meant they just couldn't deal with having another child and potentially going through that again. I have lost my maternal grandparents and my paternal grandmother (all before turning 10) and the last cbt specialist I saw seemed to think a connection could be drawn from losing people so young and me then attaching myself to my parents, however I don't know if this is the case. For example my mothers parents died before I turned 3 and my
Memories of them are near to non existent. My childhood was stable and normal, no major incidents. I don't deal well with change, and found the transition from primary to secondary school difficult (panic attacks, reluctancy to go to school) but I grew out of this in a couple of months.

I agree that I need to create some sort of support network away from my parents, however I really struggle with how to even start going about this.

I've never had pyschotherapy but the more I read about it the more I feel it is what I need -something intensive to really get to the core of my issues.

Apologies for any spelling mistakes, typing on phone.