Crippling fear of death

[Sar89]

Hi there, I'm new to this forum.. Signed up to it becos I'm gettin pretty desperate :-( I started having random severe panic attacks at 18 which over the yrs have manifested into crippling anxiety an endless rounds of madness and fears! I go through periods were I'm ok then it all starts again countless trips to hospital, ambulances, doctors, therapists yep iv ran the nhs gauntlet ! I used to fear only illness, heart disease, brain related stuff, dvts, current one meningitis... And good old HIV ! Now iv got so bad that if people even touch my head it ruins my day incase they have gave me an injury and killed me.. I can't go to clubs incase I get hit in head or drink spiked or some other horrendous thing. My 3 yr old beautiful baby makes me paranoid when she comes near me incase she hits my head, I'm scared to take any medication apart from paracetamol becos of the insane urge it get to read the side effects of anything an then yep u guessed it I will deffo be that one in 10 thousand who gets that heart condition from it or maybe I will die from an allergic reaction... My life is ruined I can't remember who I am anymore I have changed so dramatically over the years. Iv lost myself. I live in a near enough constant state of anxiety, depression, illness, fear. I feel like there's a black cloud over my mind. I get so irritable and snappy and can't bear to be touched by even my daughter at times as it can make my skin crawl. I hate what iv become! I used to be loud, cheeky, flamboyant... Now I'm plain and scared... Sometimes when I'm having a good day I can still be loud an funny then bam in a blink of the eye my mood flips. I'm so edgy... I know I'm going to die young I feel certain of it I'm not going to see my beautiful girl grow up... I'm never going to be happy.. How has this happened to me ? I do all kinds of mad things like write wills an leave food low down incase I die in my sleep an no one knows an she is alone in house with my body so she can eat till some one finds her... It makes me cry I love her so much but sometimes I feel like I'm being a terrible mother and a person. And I'm definitely sure I'm going to hell when I die iv done such bad things in past an still to this day continue to do so... Sorry for long post I'm having a bad day

[panicperson]

Hi. I know this may not help but I am the same. Not so much about the head thing, but rather the feeling if dread and dying young (leaving my girls.) I convince myself I have skin cancer which had spread. I have been to a specialist 5 months ago but I feel they missed these two particular moles.
Have u tried CBT?

[Sar89]

Iv never had the skin cancer one but have had other cancer fears... Iv got one right now! Well iv got a lump in collarbone and a sore neck... Iv narrowed it down to meningitis or lymphatic cancer :-/ ... Iv had 2 rounds of cbt when I was younger. Trouble with me then was when I started feeling better I would think I don't need to see these crazy therapists .. Then come crashing down a few weeks later! And the feeling your going to die is the most horrendous thing isn't it :-(

[panicperson]

Yeah I know. It's worrying about bring terminally ill!!
I've had the lymphoma scare and that still springs up. I also have a little lump on my neck. GP said its a cist.
I feel tired and drain as constant research my symptoms and then it gets me down. Are you a google person as well?
I know what u mean re CBT as I started having it when I perked up. Then when they was weaning off me I got all stressed again x

[owlkeeper]

@Sarah1989 and @panicperson I so understand you both!

The bad thing is that the stress causes more symptoms (although not dangerous but we perceive them as dangerous) and that is how it becomes a circle. I'm right now in the same phase were everything I feel is a sign of something bad/life-threatening. Somehow I convinced myself I will die young because my body has already started failing me. (I conclude from the "panic symptoms" but also from some more non panic related symptoms like asthma/loss in condition/being obese etc.)

[Sar89]

Panicperson... I am a google monster goin thru a bad patch I can spend about 4 hrs a day on it. Exhausting, distressing and ultimately pointless ... Me and google have a love/hate relationship lol. To be honest I question how effective cbt is really ? X
Owlkeeper... I feel like that to :-( on good days I tell myself the symptoms are all stress related or psychosomatic.. Then some bugger will tell me that I will worry myself into an early grave ... Erm cheers for that! Now I'm stressed about being stressed. My last psychiatric diagnosed me with severe health anxiety and OCD. I obsess constantly about death and illness an every now again some very distressing things will be become object of fixation... I went thru an appalling patch of being convinced I was a peodophile for a few weeks I was feeling very anxious one day an she decided to strip off and run around naked as she does and I all of a sudden started questioning myself in my head! Absolute madness ! I obbsess over anything paranormal wont even watch bloody Casper now! Iv really branched out onto the weird an wonderful now. Obviously being scared of death wasn't enough for my brain! X

[panicperson]

I like to think CBT may work but understand your view. I just think that alcoholics need to stop drinking to get better, smokers need to quit smoking, when overweight you need to diet, and when u have health anxiety you need to quit google. Easier said than done though hey??
So how do we stop then???? Mmmm
How old u guys?x

[MangoMadness]

I know that feeling, except I have it about myself AND everyone around me. This crippling fear that either I will die young or I will lose someone I love. It makes me so afraid that I never leave my apartment except to shop for groceries, can barely do my school stuff. And now I am currently struggling with that skin cancer fear, except it is my girlfriend that has had a biopsy, not me! So I know where you're all coming from, it's a comfort to see I'm not the only extremely anxious person around.

[Sar89]

Well my dads a recovering alcoholic 6 yrs now he been an alcoholic since about 18 ... He's 62 now! So he managed ... So I should to ! An how to stop hmmm. Smash our computers up an go back to brick fones :-) mangomadness u are certainly not alone hang in there mate x on a new note iv just been walking my stupidly strong dog in in the moods an got bird poo on my hand and didn't realise I put my hand by my mouth ... Oh noooo!!! I don't need this what are the chances of me gettin a hideous disease of this wild bird poo.... Arghhhhh some one help me!

[owlkeeper]

@Sarah.. Yes I have these obsessive thoughts as well... driving me nuts!
@panicperson.. Quitting google is not easy.. and partly I think google is not the problem.. and us searching for symptoms is not the worst part either.. It's how we interpet information that we see the worst possible scenario as true so to say (At least I think and I'm not sure of anything right now..lol) I'm 35
@MangoMadness... Ouch that must be very difficult to also have the fears for everybody around you. I hope your girlfriend's biopsy will be okay!
@Sarah (again...sorry) Wild birds in our climate not much pathogens contagious to humans. But I understand you worry.

[panicperson]

Yeah it's hard. But we must give up. Damn you smart phones: to easy to google !!
I use to love time to myself but now adays I dread it as that's my google time!!
I have only had this 8months but previously always been a controlled worrier. Horrible to think that I've wasted the first 8months of my child's life worrying about myself.
If only the doctor could test me for everything going; maybe I'd find happiness if it came back clear! It would I!?!