Newbie to this site

[Baxtervix]

Hi all,
Just wanted to introduce myself, just call me Vix :)
I'm finding this hard to type on this, as Im totally in denial that there is anything wrong with me. I was a strong character, but I feel it's been striped from me... I'm actually tearful already!!!
Both my parents died last year, only a few months between their deaths, my mother died where I worked (well used to, as I'm off work at the moment), I was also at work when my father died, so the word work is not a pleasant place as it used to be, I associate it with negative feelings. I'm a secretary for a large caring organisation, so I deal with lots of frail and elderly clients and of course their families who often come to chat with me because they feel guilty, so in a way it's like being a sponge soaking up everyone else's problems and feelings. I've been in this role for 10 years, but I believe that I've developed stress, anxiety and depression over the last couple of years and just ignored the symptoms. It started as chronic back pain, I couldn't walk at first, so doctors were treating me with possible spinal disc injury. I had loads of blood tests, X-rays, scans, you name it but it all came back clear and ok! Which is a POSITIVE in my book. Cut a long story short, my Physio believed that my back was so notted up due to stress and that the electro neurones from my negative thinking was creating all my pain, hence why now I'm being treated for depression, stress, anxiety and post bereavement. I'm on loads of different medication, today I've increased Pregablin, so at this very moment in time I feel very drunk, my speech is slurred and I can hardly see the text that I am typing, so if there are some strange spelling errors I do apologise!! There I go again, people pleasing. It would be nice to talk to other people who have or are currently going through the same experience, I don't think there's anything wrong with me! But that's the problem, I'm totally in denial of it all. I'm always thinking about work just cannot get it out of my head! If I do something wrong at home I feel really awful, and just generally I feel I've totally lost all perspective of who I am and where I should be! I hate it, I feel I've let my husband down and my son who is totally wonderful and works so hard and is getting on with his wonderful life, a life I used to have... Where's it gone? It's gone because of me, they say it will return. I'm starting a CBT course tomorrow (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) I'm rather nervous about it, I hope it's not a group therapy, as I will just walk out. Not able to deal with all that stuff yet. Still I'm giving it a go so I will let you know how I get on. Nice to talk to you all, I hope I make some friends on here. Vix

[Darbysa]

Hi Vix and welcome to the site.
You've had a lot to cope with over the last year so it's hardly surprising you are feeling like you do. I understand exactly where you are coming from when you talk about denial. How can I, a strong and generally happy person be struck down by this? Why can't I just get on with things without feeling this way? I think there are a lot of people here who will feel this way.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. There's nothing wrong with being a people pleaser. Much better than not giving a damn!
I hope your CBT sessions help. I can't speak for the arrangements where you are but I think they are generally one-to-one.
I find that coming on here helps me. Makes me realise I'm not alone.
Keep in touch and let us know how you get on with your CBT.
Sal x

[Baxtervix]

Hello Darbysa,
Thank you for your response and kind words of support. I must admit I have never been on a chat room ever! So even this is a new experience for me. I have just received the morning post and with it came the report response letter from Occupational Health who interviewed me last week to confirm to my work that I am genuine and not well enough to return to work! The report was good but dare I say it I don't think my line manager and hq are going to like what they read, a few real truths have been highlighted. So because Ive said it as it is, I'm feeling really upset, nervous, the whole blooming lot! I hate all this, I know a battle is about to start and I'm scared of how Im going to deal with it all. Eventually it all had to come out, but the timing could have been better, if you get my drift ? It's hard enough just to deal with how your feeling let alone dealing with work and hard nose, lazy management!
Thanks again for your response, it's good to know I'm not on my own :bighug1:

[Mark13]

Hi Vix. I'm sure you'll be glad you joined.

There's plenty of advice and support here.

You're not alone.

All the best.

[Baxtervix]

Hi Mark13,

Thank you for your welcome message. From looking at the site I realise that I'm certainly not on my own.

Take Care
BaxterVix

[Tufty]

Hi Vix,

Sorry to hear about your bereavements and how you are suffering. You sound like the 'typical' caring, people pleasing, conscientious type of person who anxiety and depression develop in. I would recommend the book 'the curse of the strong' it explains how and why we suffer from these ailments and what we can do to overcome them, it's a fairly short book and cheap to buy but a lot of libraries stock it too.

I am also on Pregabalin and remember those drunk feelings from the early days but it has been good at reducing the anxiety. It can be a bit hit and miss with medication, I am still trying to find the right mix, but there is loads of advice on here about the medication, I believe the best people to listen to are often the people that have taken it rather than the doctors who have just read about it.

I've never joined a forum before either, you will find a lot of us on here are 40+ and everyone is friendly and will help with any questions you may have.

Take care
Sam

[Baxtervix]

Well attended my second session/course yesterday. Did not feel so intimidated this time, which is crazy because most of my life I've attended some sort of training/course in the workplace! I was disappointed to see that yesterday there was only 2 of us in attendance. We obviously had the generosity of the facilitator and her time with us, but to be honest I prefer to have a bigger audience because you get to meet people from different walks of life and listen and learn how they themselves deal with Anxiety/Stress etc. However the nature of the course does make it very difficult for attendees to actually turn up. I myself last week really had to make the effort - I nearly didn't go, didn't want to face anyone and certainly did not want to admit to myself I needed help!
Its a shame because the NHS run this course completely FREE ! I cannot understand why more people do not take advantage of this. I think its mainly down to the advertising. If it was advertised on the local Radio etc. I believe that more people would take it up. As it was, I only found out about this course through my GP. In Feb I was diagnosed with severity back pain, after several blood tests x-rays, ultra scans they then decided to referee me to a physiotherapist and it was the physiotherapist who said that basically my back pain was due to stress related issues! Hence why I'm hear today!
Yesterday the course was far more informative - how we approach our way of thinking, negative/positive. How we remunerate over problems all the time and how to remove these negative thoughts:-

1. realise it, 2. name it, 3. deal with it, 4. un-hook it!

It also went into diet, eg. Omega 3 and Vit D all being very good for depression etc. - which I knew anyway and I do love my fish!
We have homework each week, sort of written exercises to complete along with the normal diary of activities we have or have not achieved, sleep patterns, how we are generally feeling. It is amazing how by just writing down your feelings and removing the negative on a piece of paper can be quite liberating. As a teenager I always kept a diary, so this is like having that again, but obviously I'm older now and what I write in the diary is completely different to when I was a teenager. I did find my old diary when I was 13 and it made me laugh and cry, because what I thought back then were terrible problems made me realise how quick life passes by. I wonder when I'm in my 60's I'll read the diary I'm completing now and see just how crazy and how other people ruled and wasted my precious life. CBT is amazing and I would thoroughly recommend this to anyone that suffers with Anxiety/Stress/Depression. I'm not fixed by any means, but I'm starting to see and realise how to avoid negativity in my life and how to turn negatives into positives and more important not to be SO HARD ON MYSELF! I've also realised that social network sites such as a famous one (FB) can bring you down. If you use this networking site, have you experienced that most of the comments made on the site are negative! people moaning and complaining about something? Yes there is the odd positive picture etc. but most of the percentage is definitely negative. So why don't these people shut the PC lid down and go for a good walk or do exercise to release it, rather that put it on a site where other people 'soak' up other peoples sadness. Its good to socialise, so go actually meet your friends and do something fun, turn the negative into a positive, - its good, it works. :yesyes: