HI - Getting Divorced - Help Please

[theinsuranceman]

HI ALL

I have been married for 20 years (yesterday) and 1 week ago my wife informed me she had been having an affair and wanted a divorce. I love her dearly and this was a bolt from the blue, absolutely devastating. She has moved out and the plan is for me to take custody of our 3 children, aged 15, 13 and 10.

These things happen but the guy she has met is a 47 year old taxi driver with a criminal record, has been locked up in the last 2 months for allegedly beating up his ex wife, has no physical attraction, debts and comes across as a bit of a thug. My wife says he is the exact opposite of me. I was shicked by the affair but absolutley bewildered by the choice. I am a 42 year old IT Manager with a good job and we have a comfortable lifestyle, just 4 years away from paying the mortgage.

I have been taking citalopram (20mg) for a couple of years to calm me down and stop anxiety and panic attacks, which has helped. I have now doubled the dose to 40mg to try and get through this but I feel dreadful. All of the usual symptoms, dry mouth, 1 hour sleep per night, drowsiness, no appetite - I have lost a stone in 1 week and am totally devastated by this.

I feel i am in a downward spiral. Can anybody offer any words of comfort. Please...........

Thanks

TIM

[undertheblackclouds]

Hi Tim,
I too am going through a break up and am also on citalopram. How long have you been taking the increased dose?

IT does take a while to kick in. Has your doctor given you any tips on managing your anxiety? Some areas run anxiety management groups which can be very helpful.

What people do makes no sense. I have had 5 months to try and get to grips with the end of my relationship. Although I finished it it doesn't make it any easier.

Don't let the fact that she has run off with someone beneath you, make you feel like you are worthless or in any way inferior. As I have said people cannot be understood. I have learnt that lesson only too well.

Hope this info helps.....there is a great book you can get called Overcoming Anxiety, by Helen Kennerley.... I would recommend a read of that too?

[Antipodes]

Tim,

I am Soooo sorry that this is happening to you. If you were a lady I'd be sending hugs. No, you deserve virtual hugs {{{{{Tim}}}}}.

All else aside, you are going through a life-crisis event. Separation for whatever reason is an awful experience. I don't know how UK works but In Australia/New Zealand we have "no fault" disolutions following 2 or 3 years separation. So no quick divorces.

I have been through this and it is awful. I had PTSD and didn't know it (it is an anxiety disorder) so weight loss, lack of sleep, and the roller coaster of ups and downs is oh so common. It is a horrible time. But time will pass and there will be okay days and bad days. The okay days will become more common as time passes. Emotions will settle.

I'm no expert at this Tim, but I saw a new post with no replies and I wanted to contribute at least something by way of support for you.

Love your kids, give them lots of hugs, accept their love for it is unconditional. And accept that they will love their mum too - they can't do other than that.

I can only hope you can work sopmething out that takes the "hurt" out of this situation. Lashing out does nothing but destructive consequences - believe me, I know from my kids' experiences of an acrimonious breakup and another man.

sincerely

Antipodes




I don't think any medication can normalise what you're going through but please see your doctor so he/she is in the look. Maybe your doctor can give you soemthing else to help.

[trac67]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum, you will get a lot of good advice here and make some new friends.

Did you just double your intake of citalopram or have you gone up gradually?

Take care

Trac xx

'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

[hayles]

TIm,

So sorry for the awful time that you are going through.
The only advice i can give is that things will get better with time.
and in the meantime we are all hear with ears to bend!

Take care......

Hay x

[honeybee3939]

Hi Tim,

Just to let you know i am thinking of you !

Love

Andrea
xxx

[manmoor]

Hi Tim,

A big warm welcome to you. Hope things turn out ok for you. We are all here for you.

Take Care

Mandyxx

[redbaron]

Tim

I'm afraid attraction and that sort of thing has long been a mystery to us all at times. She may after 20 years simply want someone that is the antithesis of you for no other reason than that it changes her life completely.

You have to concentrate on you, it isn't easy. The meds should kick in and remove some of the troughs, but they will also remove some of the peaks so you need to be careful.

Personally I find routining as much as possible good, auto pilot will get you through much of the daily grind that has to be done. The night is generally more difficult and you have to plan ahead as to how you'll get through each one. I know it's a cliche to take each day as it comes but there really isnt any other way to do it.

I left a 9 year relationship and 2 kids behind because I knew I'd have been dead within a few years. Sometimes things happen that are beyond your control and you feel someone else is drastically altering the way your life is going from a path you preferred to one you do not. You have to walk that path though Tim and try to aclimatise along the way. You will find there are others, some a little more experienced some not so who you will meet along the way. Make the most of them, you aren't alone and you may need to have that feeling reinforced frequently.

take care, keep communicating.

cheers

Dom

If what doesn't kill us makes us stronger it's a pretty fair bet it's going to hurt.

[hopeful]

Hi Tim,
So sorry for whats happened. You will find the strength to get through this, just take one day at a time and be kind to yourself and your children. Thinking of you.

julie x

[Ma Larkin]

Hi Tim, the same thing happened to me. All I can say is that it is going to be a struggle for you, emotionally especially, but you will get there. I could have hit anyone who said to me "give it time Les, you'll be OK", but it is so true. I too have kids, 3 aged 18, 8 and 6. I don't know what I'd have done without them. They have been my stability and my reason for picking myself up and dusting myself down so to speak. It does take time mate, but you will get there. I'm also on meds and they have been a godsend. Not sleeping very well, never have been a good sleeper, but anxiety is being kept at bay on the meds.

Hope things get easier for you soon.

Les

[magicsheep]

Hi Tim

I have just read your post and send you comforting hugs ((((((tim))))))

I have been through two break-ups and divorce with children and it's not easy BUT on the upside (and yes there is one, you just can't see it right now) you will a much stronger person and will be there for your children.

You will feel dreadful as it's an emotional situation but it won't last forever. If this is what your wife has chosen to do there maybe alot of factors in her thinking that has nothing to do with you as a person but more of what she feels she is missing. The saving grace is that, although you don't like the persona of this man, you have the children whom you can protect and keep safe.


It won't last forever x

[sue3]

Hi Tim, sorry to hear that you are going through this painful experience. Take one day at a time and don't think about tomorrow deal with things on a day to day basis only. I found this worked for me. Continue to give your children lots of love and hugs and together you CAN work through this. Are you having any counselling? The more support you can get at a time like this the better.

Take care Tim, and remember you are not on your own.

sue
x

[theinsuranceman]

HI ALL

Many thanks for your replies, they are much appreicated. I upped the midication on the advice of my doctor, he knows me well and they have worked well in the past.

She is a beautiful woman but gorgeous on the inside and I simply cannot get to grips with this situation. Last year she was unhappy, the affair started in December but she realised it was wrong. In January she had a hysterectomy, in March a prolapse (when she could have died), in April she was 40 and all of this has been a wake up call to her.

It's as if she has just wanted to change absolutely everything in her life from this point last year, it's not just me. I am well paid, we have a comfortable lifestyle and simply cannot comprehend why she would trade this in (+ live apart from her children although she she's them every day) for a much less comfortable one with a questionable character. I am stunned at the announcement but completely bewildered by the choice. It just does not make sense.

She is here now (comes at 3.30 everyday to see the boys) and it's just like nothing has happened. She is so cold and calm and I cannot see how the first 19 "fantastic years" (her words) of our marriage have been overlooked by the last year.

The medication started to kick in today and I had a reasonable day at work but feel physically sick now and just want to cry.

Thanks again.

TIM (real name Martin)

[magicsheep]

Martin,

Some things in life we cannot comprehend, we drive our self crazy trying to fathom these things out, it's just not worth making us ill.

Unfortunately people do change but what you have said it seems out of character. Please don't try and work out what is going on in your wifes head, time will tell what will happen.

Stay strong and glad your day was better.

Take Care x

[net]

hi tim

i had a friend who had 3 great kids and a lovely husband they had been together 18 years and were happy until she had a hysterectomy when she suddenly started an affair with someone and left everything behind for a man who was totally different to her husband. this was 10 years ago and last thing i heard was she left him for someone else

i've since heard a lot of similar stories its to do with the drastic hormone changes in the body which can alter the chemical balance in some womens minds. a bit like post natal depression

netty


the dreams of the future are better than the history of the past

[domino]

Hi tim Things will get better it takes a grown man to cry ,One day at a time .There is light at the end of the tunnel,we,re here for you ,chin up lorraine:)

[polly daydream]

Hi Tim and welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear you are having a dreadfull time at the moment but things will get better, we are all here for you.

Take care,

Polly

[nomorepanic]

Martin

Just wanted to welcome you aboard and I see you are already getting some great replies to your post.

Nicola

[eeyorelover]

Martin -
I am so sorry that you are going thru this.
I know you love your wife and hope that everything will work out for you.
xxx
Sandy

[alexis]

Hi, have you read my post, I know exactly what you are going through, got my divorce papers today, still cannot believe it, if you want to talk msn or at all pm me, remember Ive been there and are still devastated by the outcome.Take care.xxx

Alexis
xx

[matilda]

Hi Tim

I feel so sorry for you with your troubles but maybe after a little time apart you will both work things out. If the other guy is the ****** he seems then she will come to her senses surley. Meanwhile keep strong for your kids.

We are all here for you!!!

[theinsuranceman]

HI GUYS

Many thanks for your kind words.

Netty - this sounds just like it. She says he is the exact opposite of me.
She came down tonite and we went shopping for my middle son's birthday presents. She took two calss from him, one in the back of my car, and she was clearly happy to speak to him.

I thought this was completely insensitive and got really upset about it. I cried in her arms for about 15 minutes when we got home and she never shed a single tear. She says she cares but I'm not sure.

TIM (Martin)

[clickaway]

Hi Tim and welcome,

Sorry to hear you having such a crap time at the moment.

You will get support from people here.

Cheers,


Ray


http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[Piglet]

I am so sorry to hear of the rough time you are having.

Like has been said before, only live in the day you are in and look no further than that. Accept all help that is offered and never be too proud to ask for it either (that was my downfall)!!

Try not to bottle up your feelings as this is not at all healthy and maybe try not to see your wife too much just at the mo. It can be such a double edged sword this because part of us needs to be near them while we adapt to this major change, yet to see them in this new guise is nothing more than torture.

If I could have handled anything differently I would have cried more and stamped my feet, asked for help and not exposed myself to more hurt. They may put the proverbial knife in but it doesn't mean we have to keep turning it.

My heart goes out to you hun, trite as it is life is an everchanging thing and you will not remain in this painful state for ever.

Love Piglet x

[AnnA2525]

JUST HANG IN THERE, IT WILL GET BETTER HONESTLY
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">HI ALL

I have been married for 20 years (yesterday) and 1 week ago my wife informed me she had been having an affair and wanted a divorce. I love her dearly and this was a bolt from the blue, absolutely devastating. She has moved out and the plan is for me to take custody of our 3 children, aged 15, 13 and 10.

These things happen but the guy she has met is a 47 year old taxi driver with a criminal record, has been locked up in the last 2 months for allegedly beating up his ex wife, has no physical attraction, debts and comes across as a bit of a thug. My wife says he is the exact opposite of me. I was shicked by the affair but absolutley bewildered by the choice. I am a 42 year old IT Manager with a good job and we have a comfortable lifestyle, just 4 years away from paying the mortgage.

I have been taking citalopram (20mg) for a couple of years to calm me down and stop anxiety and panic attacks, which has helped. I have now doubled the dose to 40mg to try and get through this but I feel dreadful. All of the usual symptoms, dry mouth, 1 hour sleep per night, drowsiness, no appetite - I have lost a stone in 1 week and am totally devastated by this.

I feel i am in a downward spiral. Can anybody offer any words of comfort. Please...........

Thanks

TIM


<div align="right">Originally posted by theinsuranceman - 29 September 2006 : 08:41:46</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

[mad_shell66]

hi tim,

first of al welcome to no more panic.

im very very sorry to hear about the divorce. all you can do now is stay strong for yourself and your children.

if you need anyone to talk to pm me
xx

[Melxxx]

Hi Tim,

Sorry to here you are having such a horrible time at the moment.

We are all here too support you in whatever way we can. Don't think you are alone you have all of us to talk too any time.

Hugs

Mel

[Two heads]

Sorry to hear your having such a crap time sweet,but im hear if you need to sound off.Better out than in i say!!
Welcome and good luck!!