Lizziesaurus
20-05-13, 18:48
Hi all, it's been quite a while since I last posted here. In fact I think I last posted a message in December saying how I'd got engaged, life was fantastic and after the mood swings of being way too happy and of deep dark depression and never having known what it was I believed I was out in the light.
Unfortunately I fear I am slowly slipping back, after years of suffering I know my moods very well and I know now something is not right.
I will explain:
As I say I got engaged at christmas, we'd just got the keys to our new house and life was amazing. I then found out that after only 1 month of trying we were expecting our first baby. We were thrilled - I was thrilled, life really was giving me what I deserved at long last. I was so anxious, the most anxious I have ever been in my life. Was everything ok? Was everything normal? As the weeks passed I started to relax until just after 10 weeks pregnant I felt a little unwell at work so came home and decided to have a couple of days off (these 2 days have now turned to at least 2 months). I'm part of a pregnancy forum also and saw a post from a girl who had had a missed miscarraige - she had her 12 week scan but found the baby had died some weeks previously. After this my anxiety kicked back in and I paid for a private scan the next morning. I was terrified, my fiancee excited. I thought my worry was just my anxiety, I'd suffered for years after all. Then, it was my turn and my worst fears came true. I had suffered a blighted ovum. I should have been 10 weeks and 6 days pregnant and there was an empty pregnancy sac measuring only 5 weeks. My world crashed in to a thousand tiny peices in that very instant.
I've been getting care from the early pregnancy unit at hospital and 11 days ago now I passed the sac, it was the most horrific experience of my life. My fiancee and I have had ups and downs the past 3 weeks, it's been hard for us both however where as my world stops his carries on and we deal with things very differently. Up until the past week I have been feeling very depressed but I know that to be normal.
As I said earlier in my post I have suffered bad mood swings in the past, my old doctor (new doctors now I've moved) being a former psychiatrist believed me to be on the bipolar scale somewhere, not extreme at all, but on there somewhere. This past week I have been feeling things I haven't felt since the 'high' feeling I used to experience. I have been spending money I don't have, not as bad in the past but still going to the shops to make myself feel better. I have had lots of ideas on what to do. I have taken up running. I have been cleaning up and sorting things out. I didn't do this when I found out but I didn't have this enthusiasm the past few months when I thought my pregnancy was ok anyway, in fact my fiancee thought I may be depressed again as I was doing so little and I admit, it crossed my mind too.
I'm not sure what answers I want or can get, maybe I just need someone to understand. Is it worth going to my doctor sooner rather than later? I'm so worried to admit anything could be wrong as I want to start trying to get pregnant again as soon as possible. Would my doctors even do anything, they don't know my history as well only what's on the computer I guess, would they even think I may be falling back in to the old trap of my mood swings?
Looking back this is pretty much how it started to get worse last time, my grandma died and a couple of years later I pretty much ended up having a breakdown. I don't want that to happen again.
If you've read this far thank you, and I really appreciate any answers x
Unfortunately I fear I am slowly slipping back, after years of suffering I know my moods very well and I know now something is not right.
I will explain:
As I say I got engaged at christmas, we'd just got the keys to our new house and life was amazing. I then found out that after only 1 month of trying we were expecting our first baby. We were thrilled - I was thrilled, life really was giving me what I deserved at long last. I was so anxious, the most anxious I have ever been in my life. Was everything ok? Was everything normal? As the weeks passed I started to relax until just after 10 weeks pregnant I felt a little unwell at work so came home and decided to have a couple of days off (these 2 days have now turned to at least 2 months). I'm part of a pregnancy forum also and saw a post from a girl who had had a missed miscarraige - she had her 12 week scan but found the baby had died some weeks previously. After this my anxiety kicked back in and I paid for a private scan the next morning. I was terrified, my fiancee excited. I thought my worry was just my anxiety, I'd suffered for years after all. Then, it was my turn and my worst fears came true. I had suffered a blighted ovum. I should have been 10 weeks and 6 days pregnant and there was an empty pregnancy sac measuring only 5 weeks. My world crashed in to a thousand tiny peices in that very instant.
I've been getting care from the early pregnancy unit at hospital and 11 days ago now I passed the sac, it was the most horrific experience of my life. My fiancee and I have had ups and downs the past 3 weeks, it's been hard for us both however where as my world stops his carries on and we deal with things very differently. Up until the past week I have been feeling very depressed but I know that to be normal.
As I said earlier in my post I have suffered bad mood swings in the past, my old doctor (new doctors now I've moved) being a former psychiatrist believed me to be on the bipolar scale somewhere, not extreme at all, but on there somewhere. This past week I have been feeling things I haven't felt since the 'high' feeling I used to experience. I have been spending money I don't have, not as bad in the past but still going to the shops to make myself feel better. I have had lots of ideas on what to do. I have taken up running. I have been cleaning up and sorting things out. I didn't do this when I found out but I didn't have this enthusiasm the past few months when I thought my pregnancy was ok anyway, in fact my fiancee thought I may be depressed again as I was doing so little and I admit, it crossed my mind too.
I'm not sure what answers I want or can get, maybe I just need someone to understand. Is it worth going to my doctor sooner rather than later? I'm so worried to admit anything could be wrong as I want to start trying to get pregnant again as soon as possible. Would my doctors even do anything, they don't know my history as well only what's on the computer I guess, would they even think I may be falling back in to the old trap of my mood swings?
Looking back this is pretty much how it started to get worse last time, my grandma died and a couple of years later I pretty much ended up having a breakdown. I don't want that to happen again.
If you've read this far thank you, and I really appreciate any answers x