Disappointed in myself

[NE21 worrier]

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven't posted for the last few days - I've been a bit busy at an old uni friend's wedding in Peterborough before travelling back up to Tyneside today. In all, it was a mighty fine occasion at an idyllic venue and my friend, the bride, was beautiful. I got to catch up with a good bunch of mates from uni and there was a cracking singer for the entertainment in the evening.

Unfortunately, inevitably, I felt rather out of my comfort zone, and I struggled with my anxiety throughout - even though I had nothing specific to do at the wedding. I had brought some Valium with me in my wallet in case it got really bad but I somehow avoided taking it.

As usual when I am anxious, my appetite deserted me and I have drunk too much and eaten too little since heading south on Sunday evening. Of course, the booze had a short-term beneficial effect of relaxing me as I listened to the music. But, quite predictably, given the Sertraline, the effect of the booze has been less beneficial today.

Indeed, it has been really horrible. Those who have read my earlier posts will be aware that, generally, I have reduced my alcohol intake since going on anti-depressants - I don't drink silly amounts at home on my own anymore - but it seems I continue to struggle to say "no" in a sociable setting.

Previously, after drinking with Sertraline, I have woken up with a bad headache and a foggy thought-process. Today, I avoided that but, worse still, I woke up with an anxious tightness of my chest which is still with me now. Also, on the train back as I stared out of the window, I had feelings of dread over nothing specific, and a sense of complete hopelessness and depression.

It gets worse. I have not eaten particularly well today either but I have drank again - except, this time, I was alone, and it felt as if it was out of sheer hopelessness than "more acceptable" social drinking. I did not drink particularly fast - I was in the station bar for three hours from 4pm and 'only' had three pints.

However, sat alone with the newspaper at a table in the pub with the tight chest unable to be ignored, my thoughts soon wandered to a very dark place. I wondered how on earth I'll be able to do a three-week holiday in June if I have not even managed just over a day away from home. Also, I have that stag do in Preston next weekend. I felt overwhelmed in my hopelessness and wished dearly to myself that I could go to sleep and never wake up.

I have rowed back from my darkest point as I type now, but I still don't understand why I feel so uptight and emotional inside and yet I am frustratingly unable to break down and have a good cry to relieve my tension. I also think I might want to increase my dose of Sertraline to 100mg/day from 50mg.

Frankly, I am disappointed in myself as I know I am not giving myself the best chance of beating this illness by drinking. Today, in particular, has been yet another tough wake-up call. At the same time, I do not feel as if I am any nearer to finding the answer to deal with my anxiety and low mood, and I get very easily frustrated at my own lack of progress...

[CharlieM]

NE21,

Sorry to hear you are struggling. I am in a similar boat, in so far as I am drinking a bit more at the moment. I am not on Meds as I am too scared to take them. I find that 2 pints or 2 large wines stops my physical symptoms and reduces the butterfly feelings of anxiety. What worries me is that over time, I will probably need to drink more for the effects to happen.

2 pints a day isn't overly bad, and I never drink to the point of being drunk. It is a dangerous cycle to get into, so I am going to make a conscious effort to avoid drinking today and see how I get on.

Hope you are better today.

Charlie

[NE21 worrier]

Thanks for replying, Charlie.

Unfortunately, I am still not feeling very well. My tight chest just will not go away and my thoughts are racing at a hundred miles an hour. I'm also feeling extremely nauseous and I am *this* close to a bathroom visit to pray to the porcelain God.

I feel rotten. I didn't get to sleep until nearly 3am last night and I woke up at 9am but I am still in bed as I don't feel as if I have any energy. I just want to turn back over, go to sleep, and - as hopeless and dramatic as it sounds - just never wake up. These are hard times :sad:

---------- Post added at 12:30 ---------- Previous post was at 10:03 ----------

Three hours later, I'm up/showered/dressed and ready finally to start my day. Thank goodness for my counselling appointment at 1pm or else I may never have clambered out of my pit. Still feeling anxious, though:shrug:

[Annie0904]

Hi Peter..I won't try to give you any advise today as I am not in a fit state to do so after having a tooth removed with sedation. According to my daughter I have been saying some silly things so may give the wrong advise! Just want you to know I am thinking about you and send you hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[NE21 worrier]

That's ok, Annie. I am just so happy for you today - and I know what you've said about drinking on medication previously.

Once again on something, I have had to learn the hard way! This learning process is gruelling and I'm really struggling at the moment. I have still got such a tight chest and my globus means my appetite has still gone and I haven't eaten a single thing all day :sad:

Indeed, I would go as far as to say my anxiety and depression are their worst ever at this point. My mind is racing with really dark, upsetting, intrusive thoughts and I cannot see an end point. I've started using CBT4Panic this morning at long last but I am struggle to concentrate for more than few pages. I just feel as if I can never see this ending :weep: :meh: :weep:

I would presume I am feeling this bad because the alcohol has completely negated the effect of the Sertraline - it's just I never remember feeling quite as low as this before I went on the medication. My usual GP should be back off his holidays now and I would like to see him to talk perhaps as soon as tomorrow about my medication, and whether I should be taking more than 50mg given my state of mind. TBH, I feel no more able to cope now than I did when I started this process.

[Annie0904]

I think you know yourself that the drinking has made you worse and also a very busy weekend with things out of your comfort zone won't have helped. You will get better though Peter :hugs::hugs:

[NE21 worrier]

Still haven't managed to eat anything at all today :sad:

Still got nausea, globus, tight chest and stomach. Very tempted to take a diazepam...

[Annie0904]

Peter..you MUST eat. Can you manage a little bowl of soup, a banana, rice pudding, boiled egg? The nausea will get worse if you don't eat.

[NE21 worrier]

Hello again,

Just thought I would update as my last post was not the best. I have had some food (a cheese sandwich and some salad). I have resisted taking any diazepam. My chest is still quite tight but I have watched some advice videos on YouTube, and I am just trying to accept the symptom is there and will go away in its own time.

And now I'm off to watch the Apprentice on the BBC... :wacko:

[Annie0904]

I am pleased you have eaten :)

[NE21 worrier]

Well, I've headed back upstairs after watching some TV, and I really am still not relaxed. I've just done a nauseous, throaty cough, which made the lump in my throat flutter and my chest is still so tight - maybe it is anxious about anxiety, or perhaps it is about my front tooth which is sore after I clenched my teeth by mistake, not that I can see any damage there. I don't really know any more :sad:

I do know that all this anxiety has made me completely exhausted mentally again and, last night, I had one of my worst sleeps since going on Sertraline. I really don't want tonight to be the same but I am scared of waking up and feeling no differently :sad:

Sorry to have had a right moan today. Tomorrow must surely be better than this!:unsure:
Peter x

[NeilSimpson]

Hi, im new so bear with me.

I know exactly what your going through but my problem is with my throat (which came back today and don't want to go again).

The other day I went to bed thinking I wasn't going to wake up or if I did, id have a big tumour in my throat, which I didn't sleep after that...

Anyway, when I woke up all was well until today, hope it happens for you sir and stays away...

Newboy Neil

[NE21 worrier]

Ah, thanks for replying Neil - and :welcome:

Always nice to hear from a newbie, sorry to hear how the globus has come back for you. I do hope it will go away again soon but be aware that it is just anxiety and it ultimately won't harm you.

I'm fairly new myself and there is a good crowd here, almost always usually someone online to lend an ear and reply. I joined up last September but I've only been posting regularly since mid-March/start of April when I started taking my medication (50mg Sertraline) after a few successive panics.

I've been doing a little better in the meantime but my trip to Peterborough this week was a big test and it did not go so well. I mean I did it so it was not a complete failure, but I did just muddle through again, drank too much, resulting in perhaps the lowest mood I've ever had. I've got another event in Preston coming up this weekend which I have also said I will go to - but I am already a bit anxious about it and I think I wish to speak to my GP first.

Anyway I've concluded that I'm probably doing no good sitting on this laptop - I've got the news website open in another tab and even that has been more unnerving than usual today. Consequently, I think I'm going to switch it off and try to switch myself off.

Keep posting, Neil - one thing I have learned is that this forum has some cracking members on it :D

[Annie0904]

Peter..the news yesterday increased my anxiety :( Best not to watch it. About Preston...do what you feel is right for you. Don't feel pressured into doing it for others or worry about feeling guilty if you don't go. You are the number 1 priority here and we need to get you well again :)Anxiety really does take it out of you and drains you. If you do decide to go...just remember...drink and sert do not go well together! I hope you have a better day today and make sure you eat some breakfast! :D

[NE21 worrier]

Ah, a bit of a better start today after a better sleep, although the globus/tight chest is still here. I woke up early to go the doctors to discuss my recent/current anxiety and perhaps look at my dosage but my usual GP is still on holiday so that ended that plan.......

Instead, I had a cup of tea with mum before she went off to work and I filled her in fully on events in Peterborough and afterwards as I had not really had a good chat with her since I came back. I am going to have a banana and a strawberry mousse for breakfast.

On today's menu, I have an appointment at work at 1pm for a stress review and standard keep-in-touch session. There are a few problems with this:

1) I said on the phone last week to work that I would have seen my GP in the meantime to discuss dosage etc. This has not happened - see above.

2) I would say my anxiety is quite high at the moment so there is not a cat in hells chance of me even wanting to plan my return, which is the intention of these sessions - my sick note lasts until end of June anyway but I just know they will encourage the idea of me going back :wacko:

3) My union friend is at a conference in Brighton so I have not been in contact with him about this meeting. As far as I can tell, the other reps I know are also there so there is a fair chance I would not have representation at this meeting.

Mum has suggested I call up and attempt to postpone the meeting until after I have seen the GP on Tuesday following this Bank Holiday - but I am not so sure, despite my doubts listed above. Any advice?

Thanks very much,
Peter x

[Annie0904]

I would agree with your Mam :) Explain that you are not so good today and your doctor is away, you have no one to represent you..please postpone until next week.

[NE21 worrier]

Thanks Annie.

I will give them a call to see if it can be moved until after the Bank Holiday when the place opens at 11am - we work the late shift on the helplines on Thu. Until then, I've got a couple of things to occupy my mind and, this afternoon, I want to have a wander somewhere as long as the weather holds off - otherwise I'll drive! :shades:

I might head in the direction of the Metrocentre (about 2-3 miles away) to see if I can find a :ninja: ninja suit for this stag do :D

At the moment, I am still set on going but I intend to read a book rather than Airsoft, and stay off the drink on the evening. If this makes me look a miserable sod to any of the others, then I suppose it can't really be helped!

In the end, I had two bananas and two mousses :smile:

[Annie0904]

You have eaten more than me this morning..I tried some porridge but my mouth I still sore from the extraction. I like your attitude about the stag do..stick with it! :)

[NE21 worrier]

Well, I called in work to say I had not been able to go to the GP at the moment but my manager was busy and is calling me back in approx 10 minutes. Sounded like she would still like me to make an appearance...


Manager called back and I hopelessly buckled straightaway because she said the room was pre-booked so I am still going in at 1.15pm. Do I tell work about my jaunt to Peterborough, the drinking (which I said I was stopping), the increased anxiety?

[Annie0904]

they can't make you go if you haven't been able to get representation and don't feel well enough.

[NE21 worrier]

But I just have agreed to go in now :shrug:

I only put forward the issue about not seeing the GP and I got the impression my manager didn't think my arguments were strong enough. I'm sure I'll get through it one way or another but I don't know exactly what I should be discussing.

My GP has already put 'employer interference' on my sicknote and, while I know my manager is just following departmental procedure, I really don't think this is helping. I just wish I was strong enough to tell this over the telephone!

[NE21 worrier]

So that was quite long and drawn-out... but it actually went ok. I didn't feel pressure to return prematurely and advised that I could not give a date for a return without first consulting my GP.

The only reason it took a while, I guess, was because my previous manager has now gone on maternity and so I have a new manager who I was filling in some background with. Again, the new manager was sympathetic to my issues and had read through my file.

However, as per the departmental guidelines, she was obliged to tell me that since I was still unable to provide a Return to Work date, a Decision Maker may need to get involved about my job. She also confirmed what the department was willing to do in terms of offering offline work, specific lines of business and a phased return.

I said I understood all of this and that I would again review matters with my GP when I saw him on Tuesday, particularly considering the psychological impact of being unemployed. I will do this though I cannot imagine getting very far with the GP, especially considering recent events around Peterborough.

Indeed, I stressed that my priority was on my long-term health - and if that means I have to leave the department, then so be it. That would be a rather unfortunate ending to some good work which I have done there for some of the best managers I've had.

But I explained, ultimately, that I really am committed to the process of getting better - as, if I don't try and get this sorted out now, then perhaps I never will. It is really that important.

[Annie0904]

Don't let them pressure you into leaving...they do have a duty of care to you and need to understand this. Hopefully you will get well enough so so that you can return and not have to leave.

[NE21 worrier]

I hope so too, Annie. I like the job and I would like to stay so there's no way I'm going to resign. It'll just be a shame if the Decision Maker, er, makes the decision for me :winks: before I can better*.

Still, I think I did a good job in the meeting today, making it clear that my long-term health is my priority, also that my issues are quite complex and are supported by deeply-held negative beliefs.

It's certainly not easy to build up self-confidence when you've not had any for a long time, and my panic seems to stem from my lack of self-belief. Contrary to this, I do believe and am determined I will overcome this. My biggest problem perhaps is that I remain impatient for victory :shrug:

(*Oh, and any formal meeting with a decision maker would DEFINITELY involve union representation)

[Annie0904]

I was the same impatient for victory but this takes time so you need to try to be patient. You have determination on your side and that is a good thing :)

[NE21 worrier]

Thanks for replying as ever, Annie x :hugs:

[phil6]

Hi,
I am sitting at home and thinking shall I get a drink... I have had GAD with occasional panic attacks for a long long time. I am still convinced that acceptance is the real answer and keep returning to practicing accepting but GAD means that you struggle to accept symptoms which can go on all day...and I still don't like them.
I find myself continually looking for a thought that I can stick to when the physical symptoms kick in... rather than my natural tendancy to fear them. I have nothing to worry about except these feelings. All advice on the net seems to be about panicking rather than dealing with this awful feeling of dread that we live with. Is this what we are all struggling with... really finding a way to truly accept?
Phil

[NE21 worrier]

Today's update:
A mixed day - I had planned to head out somewhere but the weather really was that bad that I decided it was not worth it. Instead, I've just been writing on my blog, and generally trying to distract my mind from my trip away to Preston tomorrow for a stag do.

I've done a relatively good job at this and I've had a few of the Bach rescue remedy gum which also seems to be helping. It's the first time that I have used any Bach (I also have the spray) but I decided to buy it after looking about on this forum. So far, I'm fairly impressed and will be taking some away with me. I just hope that it is not acting as a placebo.

With Preston really, there should be little to worry about, as I intend to do it on my terms BUT Peterborough last week should not have been a problem either - I wasn't exactly anyone important at the wedding. I just needed to shuffle around the back, and yet I still got pretty anxious.

Anyway, tomorrow, we are getting the bus at 9am from Newcastle, in Bolton for midday for Airsoft, and Preston for 5pm. I'm aware that I am the only one travelling on the hired bus who is not doing the Airsoft (as I am too much of a wimp), and I'm worried this will exclude me from the group, even in an indirect sense. I don't even know what the groom thinks of me, although he has always been a good friend.

I just don't want to spoil his stag do, and as I am not supposed to drink on the evening, I worry that he will wonder why I've bothered coming. I've even tried to bring myself round to the idea of giving the Airsoft a go but the problem with this is that the money needed to be paid in advance, and I obviously haven't done this. On the other hand, I really couldn't see me enjoying that sort of thing.

---------- Post added at 21:32 ---------- Previous post was at 21:25 ----------

Sorry, phil - our posts crossed so the long post above was written before I saw your latest entry.

Regarding your post: I don't really know for sure as I guess I am in the early stages of dealing with my issue but I am becoming of the opinion that acceptance of the anxiety HAS to be way forward, no matter how tough it is. I feel that I have been doing better yesterday and today by just accepting the knot in my stomach, being aware of its presence but not doing anything about it other than having some Bach gum every now and then.

I also think I have a deeper problem with a lack of self-esteem/self-confidence which prevents me from doing things but stopping the panic attacks is a decent primary aim, and I am hoping I have made some progress in that. At P'borough, I was very nervous but it never descended into outright panic. Hopefully, the same will be the case of Preston.

Now, of course, I wish the knot was not there at all but I do know it is not going to cause me any harm. At the same time, these rational thoughts are all well and good in the sanctuary of my own room/home. It's when I head out of my comfort zone, particularly away from home completely where I sometimes struggle...

(PS. Although drink seems like a reasonable solution, and you may even rationalise it in your mind (i.e. it's only one), I have usually found my days on Sertraline after drinking to be really tough. I would advise against it).

[phil6]

Agree totally.... with me it is just a knotted stomach, and a bit of nausea.. but it sort of demanfs my attention, and I find myself continually trying to get rid of it. I know that doesn't work, but seems irresistable. Just wish I could find a thought which really means something to me when like this. Like you, when I feel OK, I think I can deal with it, no problem, but when it kicks in, it changes my whole attitude.

[NE21 worrier]

I certainly know what you mean when you say it "demands your attention". When I am at my most anxious, I get a knot in the stomach, seemingly painful ribs (muscles tightening?), and globus in the throat. Sometimes it gets so bad that I can't think of anything except the pain and I starve myself - not intentionally but because I am scared I won't swallow - but this only makes the situation worse.

As I say, it will be interesting if I can take my current thought-process to Preston and just 'accept' any anxiety being present and not panic about it, while eating better than I did in Peterborough. If I do that, it should put me in a good frame of mind for a busy June too, when I am off on my main summer holiday.

The only problem with this 'acceptance' technique is that it does feel like a life-sentence :unsure:

[phil6]

I think when accepting gets you to a place where you don't care about the symptoms then you do feel like you are getting somewhere, but it's not easy to get there. Have done it a few times. As long as you don't set your trip up as a test then, I don't think you can fail. You seem to have a good attitude and I wish you well.
Phil

[NE21 worrier]

Thanks Phil.

It's only a one-night thing so I'm back on Sunday afternoon. As I say, I'm hoping I eat OK but, as it is not a long trip, it's no biggie if I struggle with this due to any anxiety.

Of course, I'll provide an update when I get back, either in this thread or possibly in a new shiny one, hopefully without the word "Disappointed" in it... :)

[Anxious_gal]

Wow well done for going to the wedding! That's a long day plus all the travel :)
Honest you should be proud you did it.
I know myself I'd have been anxious too.

I think most of us have drank too much at a wedding :) I think the trick is to have a sugary or orange juice type drink in between drinks to keep up the blood sugars and keep you hydrated.

When you're anxious your body prepares to fight or run so it basically shuts down your digestive system which does kill your appetite too.

I've not taken the train since I had a panic attack on one. So I think it's great you did that!
I would have a hard time waiting 3 hours in a station with someone never mind alone.
Drinking as a way of coping/ self medicating can lead to dependence.
So be careful with that.
Alcohol also raises your heart rate, dehydrates you and lowers your blood sugars so it can cause anxiety like feelings/symptoms in some people.

It's interesting how I think you did really well but you've got such a different view.

I don't know, even if I'm anxious the whole entire time I still count getting through things and staying out etc as a success. But then I've had anxiety a long time.


Meditation helps slow/calm down those thoughts .
You can do visual meditation where you can picture a favourite place, n try to use all your senses to imagine/feel it.
You can also practice it anyway!
It might be good to use some favourite relaxing music so that you'll associate that music with feeling relaxed, so over time just hearing the music can trigger relaxation.

Also breathing meditation, you simply breathe in and out and only focus on that, just let all the thoughts float by without getting absorbed in them.

When you're anxious a good trick is to relax your tummy, often when you're breathing too fast or tensing up , you're tummy will be tight too.

Pro biotics, pills,drinks, yogurts can be helpful.
Omega 3 does seem to reduce anxiety n depression n some people.
Maybe even a multivitamin too.

Have you had your blood work done?
Tyroid, iron-b12 levels etc . .
Just any issues there can mimic anxiety.

If you can't eat, try milk,soups, liquid foods :)
When my anxiety was bad I stopped eating and I really believe it made my anxiety worse and I sort of got caught in a bit of a cycle of no desire to eat and anxiety.
Your body needs fuel and without it you can get dizzy,sweaty, weak, shaky and lightheaded

If you go on YouTube look up the
EFT tapping technique, it's very simple and might help .

When you have anxiety for a long time, your body is releasing glucose from your liver and adrenaline and various other stuff which will make you exhausted, but eventually you'll sleep a lot and it'll help recharge your batteries .
It sucks but it's totally normal to feel tired when you have high levels of anxiety.

Also you're not eating enough so you're lacking that energy you get from food. Maybe try meal replacement drinks like Complan.


Wow I'm impressed you managed to go on a trip despite not feeling well!

I wonder though if you are doing too much? You're really forcing yourself to do something's and needing alcohol to get through it.
Just be careful of pushing you're self too hard.

Are you kidding me? Lol placebos are so awesome that they can even work when you know it's a placebo!
The power of the brain Is amazing!

I know there's a few experiments where they serve people non alcoholic drinks, but the people think it's alcoholic and so they all end up getting tipsy and behaving as if they were in fact drunk, even though it's impossible to get drunk of non alcohol :)

You really need to decide if it's worth drinking to please other people.
There's nothing wrong with not drinking, the only thing that may happen is it can make others more aware of how much they drink . . .
Can't you say you're on meds so can't drink!
Even lie and say blood pressure meds, heart meds, whatever, if you feel uncomfortable disclosing the real issue.
Once they see you're not judging them for drinking and you're still joining in on the other fun they'll relax n get used to it.

Go watch that TED Talk on Vulnerability! It's good and it can help, the speaker also has a few books too you can get off amazon.

I have some kind of IBS, I think what happens is my intestines go into some sort of spasm. When it was very bad my doctor gave me spasmonol? Or some sort of anti spasm drug which really helped.

Have not taken any meds for it in years but when I get panicky I still get that awful tight pain above my belly button.

[pinhead]

When I am disappointed in myself, I find I am comparing the real me to the perfect me that lives in my head. The perfect me would not do things wrong, the real me cocks up all the time. The problem is I am the real me, and the perfect me is the bogus me that is built of the unrealistic expectations of myself and others.

Hey, you had a drink at a wedding, its what most people do. You found it was not so helpful, maybe you can change it in the future, its about learning to live and cope, not arriving at perfection.:hugs: