In My Pit Of Despair! TRIGGER WARNING!!

[AuntieMoosie]

PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU SUFFER WITH HEALTH ANXIETY!!


Hello all :)

As you may or may not have noticed, I've not been on for a while.

I have some serious issues which are causing me serious concerns.

As some of you may remember, a while back I had to undergo various tests. Well talk about irony, but the issue they were testing me for came back fine and all clear :)

However during these tests another issue was found, I'm still trying to work out in my mind if this was a good thing or not.

During an echocardiogram several abnormalities of my heart were found :sad:

I have an aortic valve problem a problem with both my left ventricle and left atrium.

The aortic valve problem can eventually be fixed if I really want to undergo open heart surgery............which, I can tell you now, I don't!!

The problems with my ventricle and atrium can't be fixed surgically, but I have been told that they can medicate me to keep me well for as long as possible.

They have told me that it is the problem with my aortic valve that has caused the other heart problems that I have, as my heart is now under added strain and it struggling a bit.

What is getting me more annoyed and more worried than I am about the actual problems, is that the doctors keep pussy footing around the issue, which is, in turn, making me even more worried.

I like to face facts full on, I may not like it, but I will face it, to not know what I'm dealing with just causes me to become really anxious and it really isn't on!!

A couple of weeks ago, I went to see one of the GP's at my surgery and I put him right on the spot..........he was like a cat on a hot tinned roof by the time I'd finished!!!

Having researched the problems I have, I know what I'm heading for. Thankfully, I don't suffer with health anxiety, so I was able to really study the subject and I'm glad I did as I've learned so much.

It is in fact, the start of heart failure that I've got, there is no cure, it's a progressive illness although they can keep me medicated and keep my heart as healthy as possible.

This fact was what I threw at my GP, who was left stuttering and fumbling about cos he didn't know how to handle it, whilst I sat there remaining quite calm and collected, he did admit in the end that yes it was what I had said.

Why wont the doctors just give me the facts that I am seeking?? Would you call this fair??

So far, I've been left to research my own condition on my own, because the very people who should be educating me, just aren't!!! I find this totally unacceptable!!

So, I'm not one for giving up, as you can probably tell!!! lol

I rang the surgery and asked for a different GP to ring me, and I then put her in the firing line, she too, was stumbling about, too busy telling me not to worry and everything will be fine??? In the end, she said "look, come and see me so that we can discuss it" So I will be going in 2 weeks time and I'm going to make sure that she tells me everything, hook, line and sinker!!!

Is it because I suffer with depression and anxiety that they are doing this?? because if they feel that they are protecting me, they most certainly aren't, they are doing quite the opposite!!!

Anyway this has hit me like a brick, I wasn't expecting it and I'm pretty shell shocked to say the least.

Just to add to that, I've had some serious family issues too, which have now lead to my family splintering off into all directions.

I know find myself heading deeper and deeper into my little black pit, I only feel safe and secure if I'm just laying in my bed being left alone. I cannot handle any stress or worry, I can't bare to watch the news on TV without either sobbing or getting into some sort of state.

I feel I may have even pressed my own self destruct button, I keep asking myself "am I really bothered if I weren't to be here any more"?? and the scariest thing of all is that I find myself answering that "no I don't think I am that bothered"

What am I supposed to make of that thought?? Is this because I'm becoming depressed or what??

Anyway I've taken up quite enough of your time and I thank you for taking the time to read my post :)

It's actually made me feel a little better just to write this.

Thank you :hugs:

[ElizabethJane]

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Sending hugs. You will find the support that you need here. I am glad that you are back with us EJ

[ladybug51]

Auntie Moosie , I am a heart patient, I went through the very same thing you did with G.P.s. It wasn't until I moved that my new surgery got cracking on my treatment. Dont despair, there is a lot of good info on the British Heart Foundation website, they will even send you leaflets and info if requested. If you mention that you have been in touch with the BHF your G.P. may be a bit more forthcoming. But as my cardio guy has said, with new meds and technology these days there is more to be done for patients.
You are not alone. I am on a LOT of meds but have avoided surgery cos I trusted my Docs. Nothing I set in stone these days. Hope this helps.

[Tufty]

Hi Moosie,
Sorry to hear about your health problems but at least they have been found (not that it's been of any reassurance to you).
Firstly you asked why won't the doctors just give me the facts? Because they don't know, they're GP's and not trained in complex matters about the heart. You need to speak to a heart specialist to find out the facts. Also medicine is not an exact science and your diagnosis may cause some people lots of symptoms and shorten their life expectancy whilst it may not affect others at all so doctors don't like to guess what the prognosis is. It is not fair and not right that doctors fudge giving you information, I've a lot of experience with doctors fudging it, I wish they'd say the truth - that they don't know.

I don't know if it's because you suffer from anxiety and depression that they are withholding information, as I said above I don't think it is the main reason, their lack of knowledge is. On one hand they want us to be responsible for our own health and encourage empowerment but then they seem surprised when we research our conditions and know more than them, medicine has many, many problems. Trust yourself and your instincts, push for referral to a specialist in the field, you deserve the best care possible. I agree with ladybug BHF is really good and they have nurse specialists who should be able to advise you too.

I think the emotions you are feeling at the moment are in response to shock, which is pretty reasonable given the circumstances. You are protecting yourself by staying in bed and avoiding things, you feel let down by doctors you trusted and the family problems are adding to the mixture of emotions. It's a horrible feeling when you start sinking into depression but try not to analyse it too much, as that seems to make me worse. You don't say how long this has been going on but I would try to set yourself a time limit of how long you submit to these feelings, stay in your safe place and don't push yourself but when this time limit is over, if you still feel as low you need to consider what to do next and revisit any CBT stuff and a medication review.

Hope this helps a little, you are not alone
Sam

[Magic]

AuntieMoosie,
I am so glad you have got this off your chest.
I really don't know what to say to help:hugs:
I had open heart surgery fifteen years ago-that is a different thing though,
as they replaced my blocked arteries.
Listen to what the other doc has to say-take it all in.
It will be hard for you and you will have to stay strong.
All my best wishes:hugs::hugs::hugs:xx

[AuntieMoosie]

Many thanks to all who have replied :hugs:

[ammiemum]

i am sorry you have been put through it and wish you well and an 'honest' visit to the Dr when you go :hugs: As for that bl###y pit of depression - do anything that helps you to feel well... [er within reason, of course!!] seriously though, you are bound to be stressed by your recent findings - so be a bit kind to yourself, it will help to give you that bit of extra strength to deal with your new stuff too. i expect before long you will be educating a few of those Drs! there are , i am sure lots of folk on here who will be happy to support you as you have them , in the past. Another :hugs:for you, you can never have too many!

[Annie0904]

I can't add any other advise than what has all ready been given but I can say..I am pleased you are back with us and I have missed you. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[AuntieMoosie]

Thank you both so much, I appreciate your replies :hugs:

Just today I've met another person who is going through a very similar experience to me, but is further along the line and we've been chatting for most of the day, I have found it both comforting and really helpful to be chatting to someone who's right there with me :) :hugs:

[nomorepanic]

We missed you Moosie Moo.

Sorry to hear you having a bad time at the moment.

I have asked the cardiologist what my outlook is for the future and also asked the Crohn's consultant and the answers aren't always what you hope for but we just have to keep on plodding on the best we can and I know you can too.

We are here for you if you need support though xxxx

[AuntieMoosie]

Aww Nicola thank you so much :)

I've missed being here too, but I just needed to digest all this and try and deal with it.

I'm trying desperately to get life back into some sort of "normal" again, some days are better than others but I'll get there in the end :)

I'm just taking each day as it comes for now and I can handle that.

I only wish this damn weather would improve because I know that I will feel better if only I could be out in some nice sunshine, I expect it's effecting all of us in one way or another.

:hugs: :bighug1: :hugs:

[nomorepanic]

It is not nice being told you have a problem with your heart and open surgery is the answer - that would freak anyone out!

You seem to be a rational person to me and able to digest information and weight up the options and pro's and con's in a rational way.

It is lovely to see you back though and I hope you can make quiz on Saturday cos we have missed you.

[nomorepanic]

Sorry that sounded a bit flippant (about quiz) and it wasn't meant to be! I just meant we had missed you and would be lovely to see you there again.:bighug1:

[venusbluejeans]

Awww Moosie Sorry I have been away so only just seen this.......we really have missed you :hugs::hugs:

sorry you are going through every thing you are at the minute, It can be really frustrating when people do not give you a straight answer and keep skirting around issues, but make them listen and tell them you want to know what it is happening. It is your body and you deserve to know

sending you MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOsive hugs

http://www.all-creatures.org/anan/cows-hug.gif


Emmz xxxxxxxxx

[AuntieMoosie]

Thank you Nicola :)

I didn't think you're reply about the quiz was flippant at all hun :)

Thank you Emmz :)

Emmz.............you is dressed as a cooooooooow :D.........I love it :D

I might attempt the quiz tomorrow......I will have to see how the old head is :winks:

Love and hugs to you both :hugs:

http://i83.photobucket.com/albums/j318/moreslushymandy/Uncredited%20Tags%20Not%20For%20Use/glamcowmandybysunny.gif

[Tessar]

Evening AuntieMoosie, Yes I had noticed you'd not been here for a while. I missed your wisdom & well thought out posts. Hmmmmn. You sure do have some serious issues going on. I'm not surprised they are causing you serious concerns. It is ironic as you say, to get the all clear on the one hand but another issue crops up. If it happened to me, I'd be shocked, apprehensive or just plain scared. But also I feel relieved that the issue had been spotted before it was much worse.
I'm with you in that were I to be told I needed open heart surgery, I'd be like "yeah right" & then probably run away. So, medication eh? At least there was a treatment available, I hope that gave you some comfort. As you say though, the doctors pussy footing around is annoying. Perhaps they arent able to judge character that well & feel they're helping. You'd think by now they'd have read the signals & told you what you want to know, particularly as they must have been able to see or sense you werent happy about it!
Facing facts full on is the right way to go. This is why I think you are level headed & wise. Like I said I have missed your posts because you always talked sense..... You contributed much to other people in a positive way that kept them moving in the right direction. It's time now for some of us to pass some of that back in your direction.
Good for you sorting out a different GP; the first one just wanst cutting it was he? I respect you for being proactive & getting yourself a new doctor. Let's hope they are good as it sounds promising. I also respect you for researching the problems. Again (I think) I'd be the same. Better to know what's coming I feel & yes like you, I don't suffer with health anxiety either. I did to some degree when I was alot younger but I think some of that was related to finding out about what can happen to you.... when of course I was too young to know or understand. I'm glad too that you've learned so much about it. At least then when the doctors do finally open up, you'll already be knowledgeable. Plus taking responsibility like this means you will deal with it much better & be far more likely to stay healthy.
When I was reading your post I had a feeling it was something like the start of heart failure. Not that I was thinking negatively. I suppose facing facts really, not that any of us like to do that. I guess at least the doctor admitted it. He would have been a fool not to. It probably is that they're mindful of your depression & anxiety but in attempting to be protective, like you say it's having the opposite effect. The lack of information is totally unacceptable!!
From posts of yours I have read, I had the impression you were not one for giving up.... again that's why you are wise. You dont give in... and you are a survivor. But even survivors get hit head on by stuff like this. Feeling shell shocked is to be expected. Typical that you've had serious family issues too. I hope things have levelled out a bit in that respect??
That little black pit you mention. Hmmmn. Yeah I am familiar with that. Only feeling safe & secure laying your bed being left alone. That's where I have often headed when I felt at my worst. Safe haven. I have to avoid watching the news on TV or hearing it on the radio. I wont read newspapers. There seems no point, not if all it'll do is upset me.
I can relate to you asking yourself that question "am I really bothered if I weren't to be here any more"?? I've done that. I've sat there & wondered about how the world would be without me in it. What would people think or feel? And well, yes, not feeling bothered is kinda scary isnt it? I wonder if it is a self-protection. It is very natural indeed to have deep & dark thoughts when you feel threatened. When things are really not going for you at all. It feels in the end like a never ending downward spiral of which you have no control.
I suppose what I have learned in the last few years is that often I may not have control over much of it, but there are aspects I can control. So can you. You probably dont need me to tell you that but sometimes it helps when you hear it from someone else. I am certain you will have been thinking these things as a reaction to the news you've had about your long-term health. Even though depression can come & go and it can fluctuate in its intensity, so many people who have suffered from it often fear "something happening" that will kick it off again, or make it worse. So I guess that "something" has happened for you. Kicked you right in the teeth. But with you positive attitude & willingness to learn & confront this, you will slow down the negative feelings that are influencing you at the moment. It is possible to climb up & out of the pit. Gradually.
As regards taking up my time or anyone else's here, I dont think anyone would begrudge you their time. This is a journey you are on & we are all on it with you. At least off-loading in your original post did help you somewhat. I hope things are ok for you, have you had better weather as last weekend was good down here and today was spectacular. Hot hot hot. Too hot for me actually but I really wasnt complaining about it that's for sure!!! Well bye for now & hope I havent sent you to sleep with the length of my post........zzzZZZZZZZ