I'm new and I'm scared.

[claireyt]

I know I shouldn't introduce myself within this forum, but being as my main source of anxiety is all things health related, I think I just wanted to cut to the chase. Please bear with me.
I have had a history of depression years ago. Well for quite a while, then diagnosed with PND after the birth of 2 of my babies (I have 3 lovely children). My symptoms of PND were mainly anxiety related, and I'd convinced myself that something bad was going to happen to them - they would die suddenly, or had a syndrome that hadn't been diagnosed etc etc. After taking Sertraline, things settled down, and the older and stronger each baby grew, so too my anxiety lessened to more or less a normal degree of motherly worry! During my time of bringing up my young family, I gave up working, and last year (after nearly 9 years of cbeebies), I decided to complete a return to practice course in nursing which I finished in January. I now have a post as a staff nurse at a local hospice, which is everything you could hope for a place of work to be; supportive colleagues, flexible shift patterns, an environment to give the best quality care to all patients with excellent staff to patient ratio. Except....I am currently a wreck at home. I have convinced myself I am going to die soon. I am convinced that a swollen lymph node in my neck is the beginnings of lymphoma. I am convinced that I not going to see my 40th birthday in October. And I am convinced I am going to leave my 3 beautiful babies without a mummy very soon :weep:. I have been backwards and forwards to the GPs and the local walk in centre. I am having panic attacks almost daily (not at work - for some reason I can forget there). The ice cold rush that sweeps over my body each time I think of something catastrophic is paralysing. I am taking 80mg propranolol, and currently 50mg sertraline (to build up to 100mg in a week, then 150mg a week after that). I've had blood tests and a chest xray which has come back normal, but the daily pains that I experience (sometimes chest, often neck and arm, occasionally stomach and ear pain) tell me that there must be a physical cause to such identifiable pain.
I can't continue this way. I am frightened daily, and have an overwhelming fear of death. Any advice would be so so welcome, and I'm sorry for such a long and convoluted introduction to my sad and sorry state. X

[Ats666]

I completely know how you feel as I am also a nurse with severe ha. Like you I can cope when at work although many things trigger my fear of death and illness, but I am able to hold off the panic whilst there. Unfortunately I have no advice for you at the moment as I have just started my course of Cbt and am still struggling. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. Feel free to message me if you want :hugs:

[Tessar]

Hey claire, dont worry about introducing yourself in this forum, i'm sure it wont be a problem since you are so affected by health anxiety.
Having read your post, far from being long & convoluted, I found it informative & it explained how things are for you very clearly & I can really feel your pain and fear.
You are not sad or sorry, rather you are someone who has been plagued by intrusive and frightening thoughts which are very naturally really playing on your mind. And no wonder.... For anyone the thought of not seeing their 40th birthday would be frightening. let alone feeling convinced they would leave their 3 beautiful babies without a mummy. That in itself is enough to trigger enormous anxiety in anyone.
I am not an expert in these matters but from what you say, a few things do link together & most likely have lead to the situation you now find yourself in.
So, after developing PND, after time and with medication, things settled down for you. as you say, your anxiety lessened to more or less a normal degree of motherly worry. So things are on an even keel.
But then, you return to work following a break of nearly 9 years. I imagine that its tough for anyone returning to work in any profession after such a long break. Even after completing your return to practice course, there must still have been a huge adjustment to come for you in returning to work?
It's great and reassuring i imagine, that you have found a role offering everything you could hope for a place of work.
But Don't underestimate how unsettling & how much impact it can have when you make a big change like this in your life. Even though you feel at home in the role, it is still possible this shift in your day to day activities has played a part in your current difficulties.
I have recognised in myself that if I become particularly stressed or anxious or depressed, very often the same patterns of worries & fears repeat themselves. there is a feeling of being back to square one.
perhaps you were confident at work before the break you had while bringing up your young family. returning to work has instilled new confidence in you in the work situation because it is familiar to you. That at least feels comfortable.
However, on coming home, there is still an element of fear & responsibility for the well being of your children. perhaps you are still adjusting to spending less time looking after their needs? Maybe soon things will settle down for you?
It is good news that your blood tests & chest xray came back normal, but perhaps with all the change going on in your life and all the adjustment to new routines, is triggering these fears in you? Like a byproduct of stress & feeling unsettled?
I wonder, Claire, if it might be worth seeing a counsellor or perhaps having some CBT? This might help you readjust your thinking so that you are able to feel more relaxed about the future? In fact, perhaps without realising it, your milestone 40th birthday is also playing its part here? I know that when I hit 40 it was a stressful time. I was deeply depressed about life & thats when I was seeing a therapist & doing CBT. Most importantly I learned so much during that time. It helped lift my depression & see that even though many of my fears & insecurities felt terrible, they were in fact groundless.
I'm hoping that my words might offer you some comfort and in terms of support and understanding, you really are in the right place here.

[Mipsy]

Hi there,
I too could have written your post! It was me, 2 years ago.
I suffered post natal anxiety and attended groups run by Surestart. I used to worry constantly that I had various types of cancer and that I was going to leave my children motherless. I would just be reassured by a doctor about one worry and then another would rear its head! I too had countless X-rays, tests, etc. it was exhausting.
Luckily, a new doctor at my surgery was able to help. She referred me for CBT (as mentioned in post above). I waited a couple of months for an appt with a CPN (clinical psychiatric nurse). The CPN turned out to be my saviour! After almost 2 years of CBT, I am much better. I still have moments of HA, usually when stressed but I feel better equipped to deal with it.
Through talking, I discovered that my fear stemmed from my childhood when my own mother had a heart attack when I was 9. This fear surfaced when I had my own children. I also discovered I was slightly OCD.
Once I knew why my worry about came from, I was able to deal with it.
I'm hoping that perhaps you may feel the same success I did.
Go see your GP and ask for a referral. Lots of luck x x

[claireyt]

Thank you so much for your replies, I'm a bit overwhelmed with your kindness to be honest. Yes, I have a massive fear of turning 40 (if I am lucky enough to achieve this milestone). My 30's have gone so unbelievably fast....I'm sorry, I'm having a bad day today. I'll post again soon. I just wanted to say thank you

xxxxx

[CharlieM]

Claire,

Welcome aboard!!

The previous replies are quality and say pretty much everything.

The point that struck a chord with me was your comment about your pains being so real. That is what is bothering me so much. I know I am anxious and I also know why.

But, my armpit, arm, chest and neck pain is so real and is with me almost constantly. Despite reading that anxiety can cause this type of pain, it is very difficult to accept there is nothing more going on. I too have had various tests, all of which came back normal.

If someone could come up with a way of getting rid of my physical pain, then I know I could deal with the anxious feelings. Hope you find a solution, and I can assure you that if I do, I will come back and share it with you.

Charlie