Escitalopram Diary at nearly two weeks

[bounceback11]

Hey guys

I am just about to hit two weeks on escitalopram and thought I would start a little diary so when I'm having a bad day I can look back at how I felt and remind myself to not get anxious!

After a bit of stress I had a panic attack about 4 weeks ago and over the course of a week slowly slid back into anxiety. I have a childhood fear of vcjd so once I get anxious I tell myself it is the beginning of vcjd and thus get stuck in a vicious circle. I took escitalopram after a similar period around three years ago and it worked wonders for me so I'm hoping it will be the same this time!

Today I'm feeling very detached. I haven't slept well for the last three days and am struggling today. I work nights so sleeping in the day is already hard but this anxiety is making it worse. I feel kinda empty as if I should be anxious but I'm not and a little restless. When I try and sleep I get weird racing thoughts and I'm constantly worried about my memory although people tell me I actually have a very good memory. My girlfriend is away on holiday with her friends so I'm missing her too and feeling a little lonely. I'm just anxious that I wont sleep and I'll feel worse later.

Anyway guys hope your all well if you've got anything to say drop me a message.

Take care.

---------- Post added at 12:49 ---------- Previous post was at 12:13 ----------

I'm also being driven mad by racing thoughts which scare me and make me think I'm going mad. I just thought I was in a convo with Kanye West! Argh!

---------- Post added at 12:56 ---------- Previous post was at 12:49 ----------

I keep panicking about where time has gone too. I've been lying in bed since 10.30 and feel like 2.5 hours have flown by!

[karenp]

Hi, how are you today? I'm Karen and have been on Escitalopram for the first time for 6 months now, though I have taken Citalopram before and find this SSRI much easier to tolerate (:
You have been here before so don't need me to tell you how long it should take for the meds to kick in for you but just to let you know I am here if you need a chat. I am doing very well on Escit and have my life back now (:
Everything you have said reminds me of how I was 6 months ago but you just hang on in there and as time goes by you will get well again as before, hugs Karen xxx

[bounceback11]

Hey Karen

It's nice to hear from you! yea I'm doing my best but I've just hit a bit of a rough patch at the mo and have succumbed a bit to irrational thoughts after a good spell. I'm glad to hear you have your life back that's fantastic I remember how good that felt last time when I started to realise everything was going to be ok and that I started to feel myself again.

At the moment I've convinced myself of a few new symptoms. I'm still worried about my memory which seems to be super jumbled and I've also become super aware of my hands and am convinced I'm becoming more clumsy. Both these symptoms are convincing me that I'm beginning my slide into vcjd which is ridiculous but that is the negative pattern I'm stuck in at the moment. Hopefully I can finally sleep properly today and start a little more positively tonight.

I'm changing when I'm taking my escitalopram today so I'm hoping that by taking it when I wake up it will be able to help me a bit with my depersonalisation.

Hope everyone is good.

Take care.

---------- Post added at 12:51 ---------- Previous post was at 11:31 ----------

For the last three days I've had terrible racing thoughts all day and today I've gone to bed and my head feels totally clear ... SO now I'm worrying because I don't have the racing thoughts. How weird is that? Does this happen to anyone else?

[karenp]

Hi, how are you doing??? I used to be the same , I'd worry when I'd get my physical or mental symptoms even when I felt normal but the more better you get the less you even think about anything at all other than normal every day life! I used to be just the same though, I really did but the more good days you have the less and less you will think about it all (:

[bounceback11]

Hi Karen

Thanks for your reply. I'm doing ok. I'm at day 15 and I've hit a kinda brain fog stage where everything I do, think and feel is kinda detached and remote from me. I'm trying to remind myself it's just anxiety but the other part of my brain is telling me it's the start of me going mad. I've also somehow managed to convince myself that I'm getting clumsier and that my hands aren't working right so that's another niggling worry. Other than that though I feel ok. How are you? Hope you are well. I have a week off work now so I'm going to concentrate on sorting myself out.

Take care

[bounceback11]

Hey guys

Slept a bit funny last night and have woken up feeling super detached. Panicking a lot about my memory. Feel as if I can't remember what it's like to be normal anymore. Just feel lost and empty.

Take care

[bounceback11]

Hey guys

Im super jittery today. I feel completely numb and empty and my mind is totally blank. Very weird and a little unnerving but I know I just need to keep going and hopefully the medication will start to have positive effects.

Take care.

[karenp]

Hi, how are you doing? It's hard for me to remember the early days now as they really do end up just being a bad distant memory but this horrible start up period will pass for you darl. I def remember week 6 being so much better and starting to have really brilliant normal days, I know that still sounds ages off for you.

[bounceback11]

Hey

Sorry I haven't replied in a while I went on holiday for a bit! Overall things are really starting to improve! I've been having some really good days where I haven't been worrying much at all! I'm having a down day today though unfortunately I messed up my sleeping pattern so I haven't slept properly and I'm feeling very jittery. Hopefully I can push through this bad day and work tonight and start feeling better in the morning!

Take care.
Ben

[Sober2000june]

best of luck Ben.

I just took my first half of a 5mg tab half an hr ago:wacko:. off to bed

[bounceback11]

Hey sober

Good luck. If you need any advice or some support I'm here for you!

Take care
Ben

[Sober2000june]

Thanks Ben.

Take care,
Paul

[bounceback11]

Hey Paul

How's it going so far? Hope you're doing well!

I've just gone past the four week mark and looking back I'm definitely doing a lot better. Still having a lot of ups and downs though. What tends to happen is that the depersonalisation tends to kick in first and that leads to panic. Feeling a little jittery today but I made the mistake of drinking quite a lot last night so that's my own fault. On the plus side I have a job interview on the 24th so there's the potential that I will be able to get off night shift and into a job with a lot of customer interaction so that'll be a big help.

Take care guys!
Ben

[bounceback11]

Hey guys

As I've mentioned I work nights so I have a terrible sleeping pattern which mucks me up worse. In the past 48 hours I've only had 6 hours sleep so I'm feeling a bit weird at the mo. I feel if I could get a decent 8 hours a lot of my problems would be solved! Like I said yesterday depersonalisation is my problem at the moment I just need to push through this and things are gonna get a lot better!

Hope you're all well
Ben

[bounceback11]

Hey guys

Don't know what's going on with me today but I am having a terrible blip day! Woke up ok this morn after 5 and a half hours sleep and have slowly become more and more panicked! Been googling mad cow disease a lot this morn and am slowly starting to persuade myself that I have it again. My memory just feels really weird and jumbled perhaps its the depersonalisation playing tricks on me I dont know but I've gone and made a docs appointment about going onto 20mg of escitalopram so hopefully that will help me. Here's hoping this bad day passes soon.

Take care
Ben

[Sober2000june]

Hi Ben,
Hope you're bit better today. I see you said you had a lot to drink couple of days ago, that will defo have an effect on your mood. I would try and put the drink to one side just now until you get a bit more stable.

Take care,
Paul

[bounceback11]

Hi Paul

Nice to hear from you! How are you doing? I'm doing a lot better today I've been keeping myself busy playing golf and spending time with the missus so that's been helping. I'm trying to be very positive too. I'm suffering from a tingling scalp which I've been panicking about but hopefully I'll be able to overcome this soon. Having a physical symptom makes forgetting about your anxiety a lot harder but nevermind!
Thanks for the advice Paul you're totally right I should definitely stay off the booze it really doesn't help. I'll stay off it till I sort myself out!

Take care
Ben

[Sober2000june]

Sounds good Ben,

I'm not so great today, thinking of going upto 5mg now - been on 2.5 ish mg for 5 nights now. still not sure.

[karenp]

Ben let me know how you feel when and if you go up to 20mg's of Escitalopram. I really hope you feel better than you did now. I very rarely drink but did have 500ml's of wine the other week and was fine, then some lager a couple of weeks ago and was still ok but I have been on this meds for 7 months now.

[bounceback11]

Hey guys

Hope you're all good!

Karen I have gone up to 20mg as of today! Are you also on 20mg? I'm having a major blip at the moment I can't stop thinking about mad cow disease it's literally all I think about 24/7. Also can't sleep very well atm. Came home from work incredibly panicky this morn and ended up taking the last of some diazepam I had from a visit to a and e. slept for three hours and then woke up panicking and ended up getting an emergency doc appointment. Doc offered to sign me off work which I declined and told me to double my dose to 20mg! He didn't want to give me any sleeping tabs or more diazepam though which I would have liked but nevermind. Feel kinda relaxed at the mo gonna see my boss tonight and tell him what's been going on perhaps he can find me a job on days!

Take care
Ben

[Sober2000june]

good luck Ben:)

[karenp]

Ben I really hope you feel so much better soon, those feelings of panic are horrendous, I have spent many a time going to the emergency doctor in the past. I should think the increase in Escitalopram will take a couple of weeks to properly kick in and it's a shame your doctor couldn't have helped you with a bit of Diazepam. I don't know if I am lucky or not as my doctors give me both Lorazepam (which is even stronger) and sleeping pills but I am probs very addicted after 7 months of use but it has certainly helped me get the Escitalopram into my system. xxx

[bounceback11]

Hey Karen and Paul

Hope you guys are doing good and thank you for the messages. Took 20mg last night and managed a couple of hours sleep before work which really helped. Felt very good at work last night which was great and am feeling a bit better in general however today I'm am struggling to sleep which is a downer but I know I just need to give the meds time to kick in! Gonna keep going and stay strong!

Take care
Ben

[bounceback11]

Hey guys

How are you both?

Still carrying on with the 20mgs of escit a day rather than the 10. Feel very calm but also very, very sedated and detached from myself. It's a little bit disconcerting but I've experienced it before so I'm just trying to ride it out!

Take care
Ben

[Sober2000june]

Good Luck Ben, let us know how it goes:)
Paul

---------- Post added at 22:36 ---------- Previous post was at 22:33 ----------

I was downstairs a 2 am watching charlie and lola with my 2 yr old last night :ohmy:. anyhoo still had a better day than yesterday. P.s. thats my 2nd night on 5mg now.

time to keep on keepin on

[bounceback11]

Thanks paul
Good luck to you too.
Definitely a case of having to just keep going!

Take care
Ben

[Sober2000june]

How you feeling Ben?

Im still plodding fwd hoping to get there.

Take care,
Paul.
P.s. Thank god for my 3 mile jog each day :)

[karenp]

How are you both doing???? (:

[Sober2000june]

Still plodding along Karen. Went up to 5mg last week and plan on giving it a few weeks. Not great yet, but bearable.
X

[karenp]

Good it's not so terrible at least Paul...I was the same (: I stayed on 5mg's until after Christmas time and then went up to 10mg's. Began Escitalopram first week in November last year. You are doing really well though by the sounds of it xxx

[Sober2000june]

Thanks for that Karen, at least i can sleep all night.

---------- Post added at 17:56 ---------- Previous post was at 17:55 ----------

Still long days at work tho.

[karenp]

Oh that is good Paul as I still struggle but have done ever since I left my Husband so I think only time will correct that one when the divorce is finally over. (:
What dose are you on now, still 5mg's???

[Sober2000june]

Yes Karen, still on 5mg. Had a 3hr drive from highlands on my own last night so found it a bit difficult. In that place where not sure id im getting better or worse if that makes any sense. Just feel.tired and flat. 1st 3 days when staying on 2.5 kinda seemed best. Anyhow one day ay a time.
X

[karenp]

Flat is normal, I had that the first few weeks and such bad heads, I am increasing at the mo too slowly up to whatever dose levels me out once and for all...I'll do the full 20mg's if I have to. I can def tell I have taken more Escitalopram though as I have the hung over feeling, which I think is the best way of describing it and each time I have always increased my meds but I think it passed so quickly the side effects last time I did it. But yes, the flat feeling I def remember having for a few days and then it went...I have only took an extra quarter of a pill 2.50mg's and feel tired and my appetite has gone and it's the headache more than anything but right now my anxiety has totally gone so that is a bonus as I was feeling so anxious again the last few days so I am gonna ride this increase out and stick at 12.50mg's for a few weeks and then go up if I need to..hopefully I wll then get off sleeping pills and Lorazepam as I have been great during the day for ages on 10mgs but have never quit ewoke up feleing great and needed the other meds to help me, apart from the odd few days where I have been able to miss a dose of Lorazepam. When I took regular Citalopram last time I had GAD I ended up on 40mg's though and after 2 weeks I was better...it just got me to the right level and I was bale to taper off the benzo's and was absolutely perfect on NORMAL on just the AD!
So Paul you are doing great this flat feeling will go, it's just the chemical imbalance taking place at the mo remember...horrible to feel so flat but it def will go, how is your anxiety???

[Sober2000june]

Many thanks for sharing that Karen. You also hit it on the head with the headaches (pardon the pun); I've had a mare of a headache for about a week now; trying to keep telling myself it’s just the med going about its business smacking my illness into touch. I was in Tesco last night getting a few odds n sods when a song came on over the PA system and I almost wept. I realise it was the song my son and his friends were singing last week at their primary school leavers assembly. I guess that's me processing my baby is moving up to high school now. I was so proud of my son on that day as he received two academic awards. The weepy feeling was good in a sense because it felt human and that’s what I want - to feel normal and part of life again. Regarding anxiety, mine has been not as bad as it can be, but last night when sitting in bed watching telly(not a good idea) I got a kinda freaky depersonalisation feeling; I tell you I’d have the crying over that any day. Once again many thanks for sharing your thoughts and advice as you are giving me the strength to carry on.:bighug1:

[bounceback11]

Hey guys sorry for the lack of posts recently how are you both? My laptop broke but I'm back online now! Had a rough couple of weeks after upping to 20mgs but they kicked in about 10 days ago and since then I feel a 100% better still odd moments but overall really good I was ready to give in 2 weeks ago but since then things have been great. It really does just take time! Hope your ok!

Take care
Ben

[Sober2000june]

Thats Great to here Ben! gives me a bit of renewed hope as not as good as yest but had a really chatty buzzy day yesterday and was offering positive pragmatic advice to my wife - usually its other way around. I'm still on 5mg but as im off to france with wife and kids -and my mum! tommorrow didnt want to push it. feeling bit headachy and nauseous today trying to remind myself its just the meds adjusting.

Take care Paul

How are you keeping Karen?:hugs:

[bounceback11]

Hey Paul

Hope you have a good time in France and things will definitely get better!

After saying how good I was doing I've hit a bit of blip. The last couple of days I've been a bit jittery! I keep getting worried about my memory and this leads to a bit of depersonalisation which makes the anxiety worse! Never mind tho I'm sure I'll push through. Just need to keep going I guess!

Hope you're good too Karen

Take care
Ben

[Sober2000june]

How are you keeping Ben?

I have very limited wifi access at our campsite. emailed my shrink yest, so upped to 7.5mg last night. tbh its been a bit of a slog on holiday,hoping the increase will offer some relief.

Take care,

Paul

[karenp]

Ben how bad was the increase to 20mgs? Did you go straight from 10 to 20? I feel I need to do it now as 10mg's isn't enough for me anymore. I may just do it very gradually like I first got onto the Cipralex, it's the feeling totally flat I can't stand or the nervousness I get when I increase, the other symptoms don't really bother me like the flushing and brain zaps and I can cope with the headaches. Any how I have got an appointment at the doctors at 10.40 today to see what they say.

[Sober2000june]

Hi Ben, how are you these days?
Paul :)

[bounceback11]

Hey Karen and Paul
How are you both doing?
Sorry for the lack of messages over the last month I've started a new job recently so I've been dead busy trying to get through my training period!
I'm doing ok so far. Very up and down. I seem to do well for a bit and then hit a blip. I'm just doing my best to keep going really and hopefully I'll be able to overcome it once and for all!

Hope you're both good
Take care
Ben