coz
30-05-13, 22:19
hello there
Im coz, and im 27. Ive always been a worrier since i was little, and will worry about absolutely anything. Ive been put into hospital before with things such as suspected meningitis as i have given myself so many physical symptoms through anxiety, it always turns out to be due to anxiety.
I also have suffered from anorexia since i was 16 and been put into various units across the uk. Im having a relapse at the moment, and i guess that doesn't help the anxiety too.
I was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 2 years ago whilst in a unit.
I came to the boards today because i literally dont know what to do with myself anymore. I have tried so hard to rely on myself and medication but its really affecting my life and my relationship.
Im generally quite alone. I have few friends, and most of them have let me down at times, and even recently. I find it hard to express how much that i have been hurt and im just quite forgiving.
I hate social situations, especially parties. I will literally freeze up if i go and i spend the time shaking and desperate to leave, but wishing that i could be more outgoing and social, but i its as if something inside of me wont let go. Im pretty sure it has something to do with the intense bullying from both children and adults from being a young child onwards.
The things that has really started to become even more of a problem for me is being alone at home.
This is something i cannot get my head around because before my relationship with my partner (almost 3 years) i was pretty much constantly alone.
Now when im alone for more than a couple of hours i find it so hard to be calm. Today my partner was out from 3-9pm and i was in a panic. My chest started to tighten and hurt, my head felt light and i couldnt find any distraction. I tried tv, art, music, internet. Nothing worked, i felt so alone, and yearned for company, yet as i have so few friends and am not good in social situations i had no one to call on.
Its starting to affect our relationship because his friends are so important to him too and obviously its healthy to have time apart. yet i find it so impossible to enjoy time to myself, or even tolerate it.
My mum died 10 months ago, and it also gives me time to think about her alot more, which makes me really upset too. I would love to just have a laugh with someone and not be constantly worried, but it never happens. i feel disregarded, just like i exist but people i know dont appreciate me.
Its gettin to the point where i spend so much time tryin to plan for when my partner is out, and then it comes to it and i feel worse, or i will be asking him more than i should what time he will be home, and trying to calculate how many hours i will be alone. Or trying to search anyone who's house i can stay at just so im not alone. Of course i know i will still be worrying about my partner with certain things, but not having to deal with unbearable feelings of being alone and the panic.
Has anyone else experienced this? do u have any advice because its tearing me up inside.
x
Im coz, and im 27. Ive always been a worrier since i was little, and will worry about absolutely anything. Ive been put into hospital before with things such as suspected meningitis as i have given myself so many physical symptoms through anxiety, it always turns out to be due to anxiety.
I also have suffered from anorexia since i was 16 and been put into various units across the uk. Im having a relapse at the moment, and i guess that doesn't help the anxiety too.
I was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 2 years ago whilst in a unit.
I came to the boards today because i literally dont know what to do with myself anymore. I have tried so hard to rely on myself and medication but its really affecting my life and my relationship.
Im generally quite alone. I have few friends, and most of them have let me down at times, and even recently. I find it hard to express how much that i have been hurt and im just quite forgiving.
I hate social situations, especially parties. I will literally freeze up if i go and i spend the time shaking and desperate to leave, but wishing that i could be more outgoing and social, but i its as if something inside of me wont let go. Im pretty sure it has something to do with the intense bullying from both children and adults from being a young child onwards.
The things that has really started to become even more of a problem for me is being alone at home.
This is something i cannot get my head around because before my relationship with my partner (almost 3 years) i was pretty much constantly alone.
Now when im alone for more than a couple of hours i find it so hard to be calm. Today my partner was out from 3-9pm and i was in a panic. My chest started to tighten and hurt, my head felt light and i couldnt find any distraction. I tried tv, art, music, internet. Nothing worked, i felt so alone, and yearned for company, yet as i have so few friends and am not good in social situations i had no one to call on.
Its starting to affect our relationship because his friends are so important to him too and obviously its healthy to have time apart. yet i find it so impossible to enjoy time to myself, or even tolerate it.
My mum died 10 months ago, and it also gives me time to think about her alot more, which makes me really upset too. I would love to just have a laugh with someone and not be constantly worried, but it never happens. i feel disregarded, just like i exist but people i know dont appreciate me.
Its gettin to the point where i spend so much time tryin to plan for when my partner is out, and then it comes to it and i feel worse, or i will be asking him more than i should what time he will be home, and trying to calculate how many hours i will be alone. Or trying to search anyone who's house i can stay at just so im not alone. Of course i know i will still be worrying about my partner with certain things, but not having to deal with unbearable feelings of being alone and the panic.
Has anyone else experienced this? do u have any advice because its tearing me up inside.
x