View Full Version : My Diazepam withdrawal Diary
Just thought I would add my experience of diazepam for anyone who is on it, going to start using it, or is thinking about coming off it.
Background
I started taking Diazepam in January this year after anxiety came back into my life in a serious way. I was frightened to take the first tablet! I'm scared of drugs and alcohol so I was scared of how it would make me feel.
I had held off taking a tablet for a few weeks but one particular panic attack was so unbearable that I wanted something to take the pain away.
Damn did it work well!! I felt very calm and normal for quite a few hours after that tablet! Wow!
Throughout January I continued to take a small tablet on a one off basis. I was coming back on SSRI's and they really hit me very hard so the diazepams were a much needed short relief.
February came and I was told it was safe to take a few times a day. I was fine with that! I started taking between 4-6mg a day. Still what seems like a very low dose to most people, but they sure did work.
Fast forward to April and I had been on a constant 4mg a day since. This was at least 2mg morning and 2mg evening. I had noticed however that I wasn't really feeling them anymore. I felt nothing. I was aware that the body can build up tolerance very quickly so I figured this had happened. I carried on taking them until the start of May when I decided that it was time to come off Diazepam.
I'm still not comfortable in anyway from my anxiety. Infact, I'm worse now than I've ever been in my entire life. I've been bed bound for 3 months. Curtains closed and scared to even talk to my dad. I figure that my tolerance of diazepam isn't helping this or my mood. I either up my diazepam so they continue to take away this horror, or I get off them and tackle this head on.
So weekly I've been trying to cut a small amount. I tried a few times and failed miserably but after some proper research and advice, I'm now cutting 0.5mg every week and a half.
Professional advice tells me to cut this dose every 2 - 4 weeks, but this would mean being on diazepam for much longer than I want to be, so I'm doing it a bit shorter due to the fact I have only been on a fairly low dose for a fairly short period of time.
This is not to say I'm not suffering badly.
Present Day
Two days ago I made my most recent dosage cut. I'm now on 2mg a day. That's 1mg morning and 1mg evening. My last cut from 1mg morning to 1.5mg evening was HORRIBLE. It didn't hit me until about 3 or 4 days after the cut to give me problems. I'm expecting to feel that pain again either tomorrow or Saturday. Diazepam has a very long half life which is why this happens. It's almost why it's the best diazepam to withdraw from.
I've read horror stories about withdrawing this drug. Most stories though are from people who have been on the drug for 10years plus and have been on 30mg a day. I've heard very little from people who have been on a similar dose to me for a similar period of time.
It's very hard to distinguish what symptoms are Diazepam withdrawal related or just my predisposed anxiety, but I believe it's adding alot of unwanted anxiety and depression to the mix.
My symptoms that seem to occur 4 days after each cut have been:
-VERY SEVERE Depersonalisation/derealisation. It no longer seems that anything around me is real life. It doesn't feel like reality. Without a doubt the most frightening and annoying symptom.
- Insomnia. It's taking me hours to try and get to sleep at night.
- Anhedonia. I have been suffering a severe lack of interest in life since March and it has worsened recently. I'm currently bed bound and have been for 3 months.
- Muscle twitches.
- Sweating
- Vivid dreams (?), I've been experiencing these very strongly since before I took my first diazepam back in very early January, since I've been back on SSRI's but I think these also might be to blame.
- Increased anxiety. Very jumpy, very scared of everything, nothing gives me comfort and relief.
- Agoraphobia (due to a mix of all the above symptoms).
So I have 4 more cuts to make. I need to plan each one carefully as the increased side effects don't tend to kick in until 3 or 4 days after the cuts so if I have CBT, I need to make sure it's not 3 or 4 days after the cut! I've already cancelled one appointment because of this!
I also have another massive worry on my plate and need to plan my cuts around this! I have a month left on my house in Cardiff (which I had to move away from since this breakdown. Currently living with my dad in Cornwall). I still have 90% of my belongings up in Cardiff which if not collected by July, the new tenants of the house will have them! I need to hire and van with my dad and go up to pack it all up and bring it back down here.
I've been housebound for 3 months, VERY agoraphobic, extremely anxious and sleepless. I now also no longer have the crutch of popping a diazepam to help me through such a mission so I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to do this.
I deleted my blog a while back but I will be doing updates from time to time in here, mainly consisting of my experience of withdrawing off diazepam.
It's very scary and not a nice thing to do!
Steven x
nicola1980
30-05-13, 23:59
Good luck Steve, i used to be on 10mg of diazepam a day but have now weaned myself down to 4mg a day, I've done this very slowly starting in September with very little withdrawal, the trick with diazepam is to do it very very slowly and at a pace you feel comfortable with, how are you getting on the escitalopram now? Has it kicked in for you yet? I've noticed you've not been posting on here much so hoping that was a good sign :-) x x
Hi Steven . I left a reply on your other thread yesterday. I have been on diazepam for past 7 years and take one when really bad.
Amounts to about 2 tablets 5mgs weekly. Doctor has no problem with this but cbt therapist says I don`t really need them and to try to get through the panic attacks without them.
I have never taken them daily ,so get the benefit when I do.
Therapist used the word " crutch" too. I don`t really like that expression, as it could be applied to all drugs people need to take for physical illnesses. Heart, chest, pain etc. and the meds are not referred to as "crutch".
I just feel ,as long as it benefits a person it`s ok.
I do hope you start feeling better soon and the best of luck coming off them.
F x
Hi steveo,
So sorry to hear thing's havnt got any easier for you, and you you are still going through a bad time. Things really don't seem to have gotten any better for you,you seemed more focused,energized and beginning to go down stairs again.
As for the trip back to Cardiff,I really don't know what to advise. As you say you havnt got the crutch of the diazepam and havnt been out for a while. It's a real hard one.
take care xx
Hi Nicola.
Have you been asked to come off diazepam too.
F x
I am no better than I was. I no longer go downstairs or outside. I literally just stay in bed all day. I know I should try and fight this but it seems fruitless when each diazepam cut puts me through such hell. I just try and do what I feel comfortable doing and if that's sleeping all day then so be it but if it's going downstairs and making myself some food and running a bath then I'll do that.
I really don't know how effective my Cipralex is doing to be honest. I feel it's being masked by the diazepam. I have read about the increased anxiety and depression that diazepam can cause. The sooner I'm off it daily the better.
Would love to hear other peoples diazepam experiences.
Hi Steveo
I will begin with saying I have been taking Valium for the past 30 years. BUT...only 2-4 mg per panic attack/outing(agoraphobia)
I have just been to my doc this morning for my repeat prescribed of 28 x 2mg Valium. This usually lasts me 4 to 5 months.
Every time i go to the docs they give me a lecture about how they have been advised to cut down or stop prescribing valium.
so I have just recently researched the drug.
I thought I was being VERY careful, only taking a small dose (2-4mg) every week or fortnight when my aggrophobia was very bad. And I needed to go somewhere.
But it seems if I take 1x2mg Valium in a one off dose, the drug can stay in my system for nearly 30 days. (I have tested this with a benzo home test kit) and its true.
So the relaxation effect of the Valium = 4 hours
The drug in my body = 30 days!!!
My point is.... Even If I only take a very small dose and only every fortnight
MY BODY NEVER IS WITHOUT VALIUM IN MY SYSTEM!!!
So a tolerance to the drug COULD build up.
Tolerance is diff from addiction.
However. I recently forced myself to go 37 days without any Valium. Did the home benzo urine test and It was negative. And I did not have any withdrawal symptoms.
I was anxious eg when travelling etc, and at first my mind tried to tell me it WAS withdrawals, but when I got home I was totally fine, and had to admit it was 'just' anxiety!!
So I asked my doc today if he would prescribe me a benzo that had a short half life
(the time it takes to excrete HALF the amount of the drug from your body.)
one dose of Valium takes up to 100hours half life!!!
Because I only need a benzo to help me get out and about. Not all day sedation.
He said the other benzos had a very sedative effect and wouldn't be suitable for doing activities etc. and that Valium was the most suitable for my needs.
He also said I would not be addicted by the way I use it.
stevo, I have also researched withdrawing from the drug and the most successful way of doing it is really slowly and if you are experiencing withdrawals on day 4. Then Mabey you are cutting down too much too quickly. In have read stories when it is done VERY slowly, you CAN do it without any Withdrawal symptoms.
With regard to you collecting your belongings. I would def just ask your father to go on his own to collect your stuff. If your agoraphobia is very bad, this will be practically impossible for you.
I also don't believe the Valium is masking your antidepressants. Once your in withdrawal from Valium, you don't actually get ANY sedative effect cos your not taking enough to get any affect. That's why your getting the withdrawal symptoms.
So your anxiety is primarily your state if health at this moment in time
And/or
Side effects from your antidepressants
And/or
Withdrawal symptoms from Valium
(In my opinion and I AM NOT A DOCTOR!!
It is interesting reading your blog about this. Good luck, and keep posting about it xx
The long half life of Diazepam strikes again.
Started to get progressively worse all day today until a massive panic at about 10pm hit. Been constantly anxious since. I'm feeling hot and sweaty and really badly depersonalised. Scared to go to sleep now as I fear what the night will bring. They haven't been great previously so now that the dosage cut has caught up with me, tonight isn't going to be great.
I went through all this last time and it did ease up after a few days but for some reason that doesn't help me now.
I guess for me it's worth remembering that the dosage cut doesn't hit me until almost exactly 48hours later. Now to see how severe this one is going to be and how long it lasts.
I think my main problem with my anxiety is that I fear it will never end. I see the rest of my life as being in this situation. I look at past events such as thing's I've done and places I've been and I think how the hell did I do that?! I also have trouble watching things on TV as I think 'God I would hate to be there right now!!'.
It's silly irrational thinking.
I have no doubt in my mind that 80% of why I'm feeling this anxious and depersonalised right now is due to the diazepam withdrawal!
Absolutely hell right now!!!
Yesterday was quite horrible and unpleasant for me. It didn't help with the night before last, having numerous panic attacks.
My sleep is terribly broken with highly vivid dreams. This morning I woke up to me kicking very hard. In my dream, I was kicking someone very hard in the face as he was coming up the stairs to attack me. The kick in my dream turned out to be a real kick which woke me and startled me. Waking up mid dream is a very confusing and sometimes terrifying thing for me.
Still lounging around in bed. My appetite is back slightly better but I'm so so tired from what I feel has not been a full sleep. As I was trying to sleep last night, I could hear a domestic next door which then the whole street got involved with and then police. It was rather disturbing.
My DR/DP is still very bad. If I could eliminate 3 things, it would be the DP/DR (they merge into one), vivid dreams and mental sluggishness. Unfortunately it seems these three things are side effects of coming off diazepam. I won't be making my next dosage cut until Friday, which will hit me hard on the Monday/tuesday so I need to make sure I don't have CBT then. Or depending on how I'm feeling, I might hold the dose a bit longer so I can make the hellish trip from Cornwall to Cardiff with my dad to collect all my stuff. Still have no idea how I'm going to do that. Unfortunately I need to be there to do it as I need to hand over keys and sign papers etc.
It seemed like only yesterday I was buying an SAD lamp (it was January) and now I've just bought a desk fan as it's so damn hot now! When I left Cardiff after my dad came to pick me up, it was still snowing and dark. Now we are approaching summer time and I'm still more bed bound and agoraphobic than ever before.
I can't believe I have at least 4 more cuts to make, and they are only going to get harder. Cutting 0.5mg off 20mg is nothing and probably won't cause too many side effects, but cutting 0.5mg off 1mg is a 50% cut!! I don't know that I'm going to do at that stage. My psychiatrist also told me that the last cut (0.5mg to nothing) is the hardest so to possible do alternative days for a while. That's probably going to be the hardest cut and the worst symptoms. Oh joy.
4 more cuts! I will be Diazepam free by the first few weeks of July!
Then I have the fun of trying my third anti depressent medication of this year as none seem to be working.
Just wondering?
Could you not just take a one off dose of say 6 mg of Valium.
Just to help to get your stuff from Cornwall?
Then go back to your present withdrawal dose?
You already have Valium in your body albeit reducing amounts
I can't think that by taking a one off dose, you would be back to your original daily dose before you started reducing it.
---------- Post added at 15:05 ---------- Previous post was at 15:00 ----------
Also
I don't know if you followed Ricardo and his move back to the UK
He did do it with the help of medication, but being aggro phobic, we all really understand how terrorising it is to have to go somewhere.
Take comfort in that, whilst the journey must have been really bad for Ricardo
I have also done a few things that I NEVER honestly thought I could achieve, with and without Valium and if you have to do your journey without Valium, then you probably can do it.
Thanks Dally. I think I will have to do that yeah. I need my belongings after all!
Thanks :)
Well that was a really painful few days. Things are SLOWLY dying down a bit. That last dosage cut on Wednesday was the worst yet. I won't be doing another one until probably after the weekend. The lower the dosage, the harder the cut.
The guidelines say to cut 10% of the dose. 10% of 100mg is 10mg! 10mg of 2mg is 0.2mg. I can't really cut a tablet into 0.2mg so I'm having to make a 35% cut next time. Then from 1.5mg to 1mg will be a 44% drop!! Then 1mg to 0.5mg is a 50% drop!!
Then..... 0.5mg to nothing is a 100% DROP!!! Oh god they are only going to get worse and worse!!
My plan is to get on liquid diazepam so I can drop my dose little by little. Same time period but just taper it all out smoother.
Apparently from what I've read, the withdrawal symptoms come in waves. After the initial few days things get a bit easier. Then 2 weeks later another wave hits.
I really really really sympathise with people who have been on the medication for longer and at a much higher dose!!
Still bed bound, depersonalised, sleeping problems aplenty. I won't miss the vivid dreams!! Every night, a new adventure followed by an abrupt and frightening, uncomfortable wake up drenched in sweat.
Would still love to hear other peoples experiences. I signed up to the benzobuddies forum but that place is crazy. The forum is far too busy and everyone tells me worst case scenarios. I read peoples stories about how even years after taking their last dose, they are still suffering symptoms. It just puts me off going on that site. There are some very long term users on that site of doses up to 120mg diazepam a day was the most I saw someone using!!! That would take years and years of hell to come off. I don't think I'd bother at that point! Not sure what sort of GP's are giving patients that much!
nicola1980
04-06-13, 20:53
Hi Steve, I've been on diazepam nearly 2 years after a bad breakdown, maximum dosage i was on was 10mg a day, since September i have gradually reduced this at a rate i feel comfortable with and with literally no side effects to 4mg a day, the trick is nice and slowly with diazepam withdrawal and somedays i even manage on only 2mg no problem, good luck x x
Really?? How slowly have you been reducing? I'm in absolute hell! How do you do it? xxx
Steven,
I was on 6mg 2mg x 3 a day for a good few weeks. I then would maybe have 2x2mg a day sometimes just one till sometimes I would have none.
I have never had weird dreams on them, I might of had bad sleep? But then when I'm anxious/thinking alot I have trouble.
Do you really think it's the diazepam causing this symptoms? And not maybe your cipralex? Just a thought. X
5 months solid use of diazepam. 100% certain. It happens EVERYtime I make a dosage cut and I didn't work this out for weeks and weeks! I keep a mood diary at home and it correlated exactly everytime I cut my dose. This was before I even considered that I might have become addicted.
It's the length of time, not the amount. It's the fact I took for 5 months on a daily basis.
It's very real symptoms. The cipralex isn't going to cause my symptoms to fluctuate like the diazepam cuts are doing.
nicola1980
05-06-13, 02:24
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Really?? How slowly have you been reducing? I'm in absolute hell! How do you do it? xxx
Hi, I've just done it really slowly, its took me since September to get from 10mg to 4mg daily, i did 1mg cuts and waited until i was settled on that dose of diazepam before i decreased again, like you i was bedbound with anxiety and had to move back into my parents with my son even tho Im married as i was so poorly, i also couldn't reinstate cit after many successful years on it prior, it made me worse this time really worse it was a nightmare so i know exactly what your going through and it truly is awful, feel Free to pm now me anytime and you will get better i promise x x x :bighug1:
Been a week since my last dose cut. I felt better yesterday than I did today for some reason. Today wasn't good for me.
My dad has started to have counselling because he's having trouble dealing with me like this. It's really stressing him out. So he left at midday for that and then off to his Caravan for a few days for some rest.
I have just felt unexplainably anxious and fearful, very very tired, a sort of sluggish confused feeling and since 7pm, I've had a splitting headache that is just starting to ease. Also been very badly depressed today. I just lay on my bed for almost 2 hours, just staring blankly at the wall. I'm not enjoying life today.
I won't be making my next cut for a while now. I'm going to have to take this ALOT slower than I wanted. I just wanted to be off it but I don't think I can handle it.
I am like Nicola Steve, been on 12mg daily for 18 months but have reduced really slowly like once a month...1mg and am now down to 7mg a day...I think maybe you are trying to go too fast, perhaps that is why you have had such a bad time?
I'd definitely say take it really slow, especially now. You are nearly there, your health is more important atm, I know you have had a tough time. Take it easy ;) x
Yeah I have been advised to go drop AT the MOST every 2 weeks but every 4-6 weeks would be better so I've been told. I've been doing every 9 days....
That might explain it. Going to have to slow down a bit here!
Thanks Kittikat :) xxx
I agree with kittikat, give yourself a rest from the symptoms. You've put your body and mind through the mill, give it a break. I know you want off but to do it to quick isn't a good thing. No wonder you feel down you've got a he'll of a lot on you plate at the mo, you've not only got yourself to get well but now your dad's having problems and that will have a knock on effect on you. You will feel scared because you are own your own and when we are our minds start playing up and doing the negative thought and chat but try to pay it no attention I know it's easy said than done but you can do it.the headache is probably a stress one because of today's events.
nicola1980
06-06-13, 01:07
Glad you've decided to take the decrease slower Steve, your body needs to adjust to every dose decrease and you are very poorly at the min so give yourself a break hun, i think your being too hard on yourself, you will get off the diazepam because you want too, its the people that don't when it becomes a problem, you know where i am :hugs: x x
nicola1980
07-06-13, 00:18
Hey Steve, how you feeling? X x
Hi Steveo
Addiction to Valium is VERY real
And I believe some people are more easily addicted than others.
As is withdrawal symptoms
And you are sure that it is Valium and not cit symptoms.
You are the only person who could possibly know that.
However, I would say, even accepting your genuine withdrawal symptoms,
ANXIETY can play tricks on our mental and physical health.
I have many times felt so low or had major panic attacks .'for no reason'
And I KNOW I would've def blamed it on a med if I had been taking one at the time, cos I am constantly looking for reasons why I'm feeling bad or panicky.
I am almost phobic about taking ANY meds cos when I was feeling at my
VERY worst and the doc prescribed me antidepressants they made me feel 'SOOO ILL' from day one that I only ever lasted a few days. I tried quite a few, and had to accept that i cannot tolerate the side effects and ADs are not for me.
Also when my PAs are very bad. And I haven't taken any meds, I am constantly looking for a reason so that i can exclude it and 'Cure' myself.
I have blamed, food (food poisoning -even when the rest if my family ate the same thing -and were totally fine!), the weather (being too hot), fizzy drinks (caffeine, food colouring, gas), ANYTHING new like soap, perfume, drycleaning smells)....even bloody vitamin tablets!!!
I now can only take paracetamol or Valium and only if I am extremely desperate!!
Even after 30 years, and I regard myself as an intelligent person, I STILL have trouble accepting that my symptoms are 'JUST ANXIETY' and that as before it WILL pass, and I WONT die,
I cannot emphasis enough, how much i admire the people on this site who continue for WEEKS on antidepressants waiting for the startup side effects to reduce. Then they have no effect and have to increase the dosage in steps and even eventually accept that, that certain ADs are not for them and have to start all over again with another one!!! I am overwhelmed with admiration.
My point to you is, whilst you may genuinely be having withdrawal symptoms from Valium, be aware that when you are having a bad day, especially after having a good day, it may 'just be anxiety' rather than the withdrawals. And nothing to do wi any meds. We all have very bad days and it does not need to be because of meds etc.
I am sooo glad you are reducing valium things more slowly. You had enough stress at this time without the added torture of withdrawals.
Good luck to you in your withdrawal programme . You will get there!!
Mental problems sometimes stop us from seeing clearly, and make us so desperate to rid ourselves f the terrible feelings ASAP.
Regards
Thanks for the post.
I can't say for sure no. I have had panic and anxiety since I was 6 years old and I'm 28 now. That's most of my life.
Things all went down hill for me last october when I came off my medication after 11 years use. In January of this year, things hit the fan for me and out of the blue my anxiety took over my life in a way it never has in my 22 years of having this condition. There has been no reason for it to either. I had an amazing job, lots of friends, a great girlfriend who I was going to marry and live with later this year. The first time in my life things were really looking up for me. I've lost all those things now.
I tried getting back on the SSRIs but this time round, they absolutely destroyed me. I stuck with Citalopram for 2 and a half months, hoping things would improve. They didn't. So I changed to Escitalopram which I've been on for 2 and a half months also.
On top of all this, the diazepam I've been taking constantly since February, no longer does anything for me, and since reducing the dose, my symptoms have got so much worse, but truth be told, I just don't know what is to blame.
I've never been so scared in my entire life as I am right now because once I don't know what condition I'm in, once the diazepam is completely out my system. If I'm still like this, then it wasn't the benzo but it's either the SSRI or just how I am now.
So the step after this is to go through months and months and months of trial and error on different anti depressant medication which will inevitably cause me lots and lots of problems, especially when starting and changing doses.
I don't know if I prepared to go through that.
I don't regard life as something precious or worthwhile and I never have, even when I was at my most happiest and anxiety free. I've always had a bleak outlook on what the point of us being alive really is. I've always had the train of thought that if life ever gets too uncomfortable or things aren't going my way then there is no point putting myself through the torture of it all. That's how I've always been and I don't see that ever changing. My outlook on life is very bleak. I wonder what the point of it is. We are all going to die one day and be forgotten. Sure we will be remembered for a few years by close friends and family, but inevitably as the years go by, we are very insignificant. As an atheist, I know there is no afterlife or greater meaning to all this. Even if there was, that wouldn't make me feel better. I would hate the thought of living on after death or any of the other fairy tales that some people might believe.
My anxiety has never even been close to this. I know anxiety better than anyone. I've had it for pretty much my entire life. It's ruined my childhood more than anyone could imagine. It's always been manageable though and situational. SInce January, it's been constant, 24 hours a day. Right now, I'm so depersonalised with the world, that nothing seems the slightest bit real to me. I can't distinguish between what's real and what's a dream. It's so bad that I can't even interact with anyone because it just doesn't seem real. I have been bed bound for over three months. I have tried and tried and tried to make small steps to go out, or go downstairs etc but I feel no better, so for now I'm just making myself as comfortable as possible and that for me means spending my time in bed, normally with a pillow over my head.
If it's not the valium causing this, then I don't know if I'm prepared to go through the next steps. I'm not saying any of this for sympathy or to get attention. I know that people on here have had it so much worse than me. The last 11 years of my life have pretty much been 95% anxiety free, especially the last few years.
If this isn't the valium, then I'm not prepared to have this as my new life. For my parents sake, I'm willing to give this until January the 4th 2014. That would be exactly a year after this all kicked off. I haven't told them this of course.
My intentions to end my life have been SO strong for the last 4 months. I have been self harming just to feel something. I don't tell or show people as I don't do it for attention. I also have 'everything set up' so to speak for when I really do find life too uncomfortable. I could be pain free in 20 minutes.
It's not like I haven't seeked professional help either. I struggled a few months ago so wanted a nice long sleep, not to kill myself, just wanted to 'not be here' for a few hours so I took a bit too much valium. My mum found out and rang an ambulance and they took me to A and E. I didn't intend on ending my life. A and E just popped me down in the waiting room, took some bloods after 4 hours, 2 hours later they told me they lost the bloods and I was free to leave.
Please don't think I'm saying any of this for attention. I'm really not. I feel anonymous on here so I feel free to be able to say these things. None of you know who I am in real life or anything so I can say these things without fear of having some mental health team turn up on my doorstep to try and talk me out of my thought process or section me. I've always had this train of thought and it's only got stronger since my life has become unbearable. And yes, I understand how so many people suffer worse than me, but they choose to suffer. I don't. I will never let myself suffer unnecessarily.
Sorry for this long and negative post but I'm glad I've got this off my chest and hopefully a few of you may understand me a bit better now. I'm not able to tell anyone who knows me these things from fear of them sectioning me or some other intervention.
So, if it's not the valium causing this, then I guess I don't have too long left as I'm only prepared to put myself through the mental torture of drug trial and error for so long for my parents sake.
Again, please don't think I'm writing this for sympathy or attention. Please just accept this as how I've always been.
nicola1980
08-06-13, 20:15
Hey Steve, how you feeling hun? X x
Hey Nic.
Up and down thanks. The lack of good sleep is starting to get to me. I'm waking up with nightmares more frequently now. Often 2 or 3 times a night. Very scary. If I manage to get any other sleep it's heavy dreams only.
On the up side, a friend text me today whom I haven't seen in ages and said he would pop over and see me today. Because the weather was nice, it lifted my spirit enough to say yes. Then I really started to panic. I haven't seen anyone in months. I have such bad depersonalisation and derealisation and I have big problems being around people as this exacerbates things.
As it happened, it was really nice to see him and although I was visibly shaking I was OK. He only popped over for 30 mins and brought his new baby with him which was nice. It was really good to see him. He said he's going to help in any way possible to get me back to my old self. It lifted my spirits massively today. I spent the rest of the afternoon on my own in the back garden getting some sun whilst on the laptop. I haven't been outside in absolute weeks.
I've felt fairly good this evening too. Made myself dinner and played a bit of piano. I was due to make a next cut today (going on my 10 day cuts) but from what you lot have told me, the GP, the P'doc and the helplines, that's just far too fast and will knock me for six again for another 10 days so I'm going to hold off for another few days.
I still need to plan my dosage cuts around when I'm going to have to make that hellish journey back up to Cardiff to get the rest of my stuff. My dad said he's happy to do it himself but there is so much stuff all over the house that's mine, he won't know what's what and I don't trust him to unplug my computer!!!
I asked a helpline if taking an extra diazepam as a one off that day, would make much difference to my withdrawal. She seemed to think it would. I might call again on monday and see what someone else has to say. It's going to be one hell of a bad day, but it's not even 24 hours. It's barely going to be 12 hours. I will be back in my bed at the end of the day. My dad will still drive. I can shut my eyes the whole way. If Ricardo managed a trip back from Spain to the UK, I surely must have it in me to do a short trip to Cardiff and back. Once that's done, I don't need to worry about it, I will have all my things and I can start my new life here in Cornwall.
I just hope I can sleep tonight. I say this every night and I never can. To me, today was a marathon. Having a friend round and going outside and being generally more active than just lying in bed the entire day. It was a lot effort for me today, and just goes to show how far I have to go. I'm no where near the person I was last year. I'm the opposite!
I wish I didn't have 4 more cuts to make. I don't want to go back down again...not 4 more times! Each time, I really do forget how nasty the symptoms can be. But with this diary, I have a record that I do get slightly better after a while. I will look back on todays post, knowing that I had an OK day, and was out in the sunshine. I'll read this when I'm having a constant panic attack for 4 days running.
How are you Nic? xxx
Hi Steveo
So glad to hear your uplifting post today. Wow, you managed quite a lot. Lovely positive visit from your friend. And the sunshine would lift anyone's mood!!
I was sorry to read your last post. I really think you need to tell your mental health care team how desperately ill you feel. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to practically SHOUT to be heard or could you ask your dad to talk to your doc and get him to tell the doc how bad your situation really is.
It is ridiculous that when we are our lowest ebb, we need to 'fight' for help!!
You have said you had a good life,wi things to look forward to in the future.
There is NO reason you can't have that again
It is just a matter of getting your condition put on an even keel
It might be through meds
CBt
Or psychotherapy
If you can, try and replay today in your mind
The sun
Your friends visit and supportive words
His little gorgeous baby
Getting out of your room
You achieved a lot
Be proud of yourself
Steve,
Soo pleased to read your post tonight really positive words from you, was really upset reading your previous post just wanted to reach out to you.
BUT,all that talk as gone now.
It's the depression and anxiety that makes us feel as awful as we do,how can an illness have such cruel effects on use.
You seeing your friend today was a massive massive step Steve (I couldn't have done that on such short notice) and going out into the garden wow! I'm so pleased for you having the will to do it again back like you were a couple months back. Remember you manage b & q with your dad and the shops for fruit and veg.
Please leave you next cut for a little while, just so you get the break you need from a few of the symptoms. This will lift you spirits as it as the last couple of days a few more like this will be really good for you and your dad will see a good improvement when he gets back.
Regarding sleep, I still do not still through I wake 2/3 times a night sometimes more. Last night was really bad it was so warm and stuffy.
Try not to think I'm I going to sleep tonight,as this already put you in the frame of thinking you won't. What I do is say if I sleep I do if I don't I don't! That way I don't feel any pressure on myself.
by the way it's my garden that keeps me going,it's something to loose time.
Thanks everyone.
My previous message though, I still do feel that way just because I always have. It's something I would even think at the happiest times of my life. I'm sorry it's such a dark and horrible message. I'm just not a fighter. If I have a good day, thats great. If I have a good 20 years then thats great too. I just have a low breaking point. I will try not to talk about that again though. It's not positive.
Regarding the Mental health care Team.... I'm honestly better off nailing jelly to a wall. I wrote a post recently about my experiences with health care professionals since January. Don't get me started again lol.
And Clio, I think the hot and stuffy weather doesn't help does it! The sun beats down on this bedroom all day. It's like a greenhouse in here. I can't sleep with the windows open either as it's too loud. Bought a deskfan which is great but slightly too loud to sleep with. It's the nightmares and vivid dreams that really really bother me. I can handle not sleeping a full night sleep. I don't do anything with my days so it's ok. But nightmares and vivid dreams!! Horrible.
I won't be cutting for at least another week. This is the third time this has happened to me and it ALL correlates with cutting diazepam. In a way, I really hope it is the diazepam that's kicking my butt.
Thanks all so much for your continued support. I honestly don't know what I would do without this place and the support from the wonderful people on here, so thank you sincerely.
What a bizarre illness we have! How crazy is it that something harmless has ruined all of our lives to some extent! Yet how crippling is it!!
nicola1980
09-06-13, 00:51
Hi Steve, wow you put a smile on my face reading what you had achieved today you should be proud of yourself well done :D i know how hard it is seeing people when you feel so bad i hid away for months and refused to see anyone but you did it that's fantastic :hugs: as regards taking more diazepam just for one day to get your stuff then i don't see it being a problem and it certainly won't knock you back just one day, just do what's necessary to get your belongings. As for dreams i have the most weird and vivid dreams caused by the venlafaxine i think and sometimes they really freak me out :-( Im going through a blip at the min and its bloody horrible, Im struggling to get out of bed in the mornings as I've been feeling bad again :-( this illness is bloody awful and destroys lives but we're made of strong stuff us anxiety sufferers and we will beat this together! I think your right leaving your next diazepam cut a bit longer, get yourself stable ish on the dose your on now but Im so pleased you managed today with your friend that's a huge step :-) keep posting we're all here for you, lots of love and hugs x x x
Right...
Believe it or not, I'm off to a friends BBQ......
As R Kelly once said.... 'My mind is telling me no....but my body... my body is telling yes.'
What the hell am I doing??
I'm trying not to 'think' and just let my body take over and take me there. Auto pilot.
First time I've put on jeans and shoes in absolutely months and going driving! And leaving the house! And leaving my bed!!!!
Oh God....
I'll update later
---------- Post added at 13:58 ---------- Previous post was at 13:29 ----------
Scrap that.
I got half way there and was freaking out too much. The further I got away from the house, the worse I got.
I turned around and drove back home.
Feel awful. Such a failure. I can't believe I'm agoraphobic. How on earth did that happen! Last year I was travelling around europe for weeks and weeks on end with no sleep. Now I can't drive a couple of miles down the road to my mates BBQ.
nicola1980
09-06-13, 15:16
Steve your not a failure at all, at least you tried hun, when i was at my worst i couldn't leave the house, its a step in the right direction but maybe it was just a too bigger step to take at the min, its all about baby steps, look what you achieved yesterday and your calling yourself a failure? It takers time and patience and you will get there, i still freak now if i plan to do anything that's why i can't ever plan anything, i have to still take one day at a time and its bloody frustrating i know! Don't be so hard on yourself, you tried and that's the main thing :-) x x
Hi Steve
The fact you even wanted to do it is a massive success! Would you honestly have even attempted that a week ago?
You may not have made it all the way there but focus on what you did do. Baby steps and you will get there.
Snoodlester
09-06-13, 17:09
Steveo, like Nicola said you're not a failure and you did try. I don't know if this will help or not but your earlier post inspired me to get out and see if I could do it. My parents went out for the day and I've been worried about being home on my own, but I thought sod it, if Steveo can give it a go so can I! I went out walking for about an hour and to places I've recently dreaded. It was hard but I did it. It is about taking little steps and pushing yourself a little bit further each day - you got out the of the house and drove in the car so that's massive progress. Remember the feeling that you at least wanted to give it a go and try again tomorrow.
Sue x
Thanks everyone.
I wouldn't of even taken my head out from under my pillow a week ago.
I have told my dad that there is no way on earth that I will be able to make it up to Cardiff to get my stuff. I'm quite upset about that. I sort of wanted to go up to make sure everythings packed OK. Going to ask my old housemate to be there to help him.
I seemed to assume I wouldn't have any problem driving down to my friends today, and I sort of have that same thinking towards the Cardiff trip. But while I was driving today, I kept thinking to myself, "Well thank god I'm only a few miles from my house and not half way to Cardiff!!!".
---------- Post added at 17:16 ---------- Previous post was at 17:15 ----------
And I'm really proud of what you did today Sue. I'm very glad to hear how even though I failed today, my post inspired you to go out. x
Snoodlester
09-06-13, 17:51
Thanks Steveo :) Perhaps your inspiration to me will inspire you to try again! Turn it around, if Sue can do it, so can I! x
Gee whizz Steve thought I was seeing things when I read you post,had to read it twice to make sure lol.
As the others say you went a bit bigger than you could cope with,but we'll done for even thinking of it! I would of freak out and I've not had had the weeks you've had. So come on,!
None of that being a failure no way are you! Don't let it put you off trying something again,you just took a too bigger step that's all.
As Nicola says, I too am like her I can not plan thing's I have to see what I am like that day.
I try to make appointments for that day, ie hairdressers, doctors even dentist appointments I've made I cancelled,they told me last time if I cancel again they taken me off nhs list!!!
I've only seen my sister twice in 2 years and I feel guilty about that,but I have to say that's me that's how I cope. I've booked hols and cancelled days before because I've freaked out and lost loads of money. So you not seeing anybody and being in bedroom and allowing your friend round is brilliant!!
Try not to focus on the Cardiff trip just yet, see how the next few days go baby steps one day at a time. Start by keep going downstairs 2mins,5mins etc then in the garden same again.
I understand that I will have lots of set backs coming up as I am withdrawing off Diazepam. Although I'm going to do it slower, it's not going to be much easier. I just have to enjoy these brief windows of feeling a bit more comfortable while I can.
I've arranged not to go up to Cardiff now. My dad will go and with the help of my old housemate, they will do everything for me. So I don't have that to worry about.
My symptoms will be unpredictable day to day due to the benzos. Side effects come in waves. I'm 11 days since my last cut and every day has got slightly better. I will bite the bullet and do my next cut on Wednesday as that will be 2 weeks. Want to get it over and done with and stop prolonging the inevitable. 2 weeks is the very minimum between cuts.
http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/bzcha03.htm
The Ashton Manual has confirmed that I am indeed experiencing withdraw symptoms.
So I've decided not to drop my doses in tablet form. It's too inaccurate to do. I really can't chop a 2mg tablet into quarters.
So I rang my GP today and ordered some liquid diazepam solution. It's 2mg of Diazepam per 5ml.
I tried using my drug calculations from my nursing training to work out my cuts and that failed miserably!! Shows how much my brain has gone to pot!
Lucky I found these 2 links - http://www.manuelsweb.com/dose.htm
http://www.non-benzodiazepines.org.uk/taper.html
First one is a drug calculator and the second is a method of dropping diazepam for the liquid solution that I'll be on.
I won't follow it exactly as that's far too slow and cautious for my liking and I'll be on it until next year at that rate!! 48 weeks to be precise! I'm not tapering that slowly!!
I might spread my dose to just once a day instead of twice. Easier to keep track of my cuttings then.
I guess that will be OK rather than spreading it? It has a very long half life so I don't see that being a problem. I will check with the pharmacy.
So my next cut, instead of dropping a whole 0.5mg, I'll drop just 0.25mg one week and 0.25mg the next. That SHOULD in theory make a much smoother drop and not so sudden? Surely that makes sense?
It's been 12 days since my last cut. Had a good weekend but today has been bad. I couldn't sleep again last night. Obviously nothing but dreams when I did. Probably had 2 hours sleep.
Slept almost all of today which was silly. It's going to ruin what little bodyclock I have left.
Haven't left my bed today. Never mind.
I ordered the van hire for Saturday 15th. My dad will be going up with his girlfriend and my housemate will meet him at the house to help. So I no longer have that to worry about. I'm looking forward to getting my stuff back!!!
sounds a good plan with the diazepam ! i can understand you wanting to get it over and done with quickly but remember the quicker the sooner the SE no restbite.
as regards sleep, if you cant sleep tonight then if you must try only having a nap tomorrow and not a sleep for a few hours that way you will be still tired at bedtime and your body clock wont be all over the place.,
tomorrow is another day, you might feel like going down tomorrow or in the garden.
thats very good of your dad and girlfriend to do that for you,because as you said there not young. so perhaps in return if your upto it you could make them there tea for when they get home?
Although you felt you failed because you didn't attend the BBQ. Just remember how positive your mind and body acted that day.
You haven't been out of bed or even contemplated that in quite a while
So EVEN thinking about going was a major step forward!!!
Your body will become weak lying in bed.
Make sure you eat as much as you can to keep your strength up
Little and often.
And
Try to do a little excercise 4 x per day
Even lying in bed. Ie. air cycling your legs and arms.
It will help when you next want to go somewhere
AND YOU WILL want to go somewhere!!
Regards xx
Thanks for all the replies everyone.
Made my next cut today as I have liquid diazepam now. This morning, instead of taking 1mg and 1mg in the evening, I took approx 0.75mg. A nice small cut SHOULD in theory be easier to handle. I will try one of these small cuts each week to still stick with the 0.5mg cut every fortnight.
The liquid diazepam tastes AWFUL! A mix between jagermeister and cough syrup. It makes my tongue rather numb too.
So as per normal, this dosage cut won't hit me for 48 hours so that will be Sunday night. I'm home alone Sunday as my dad is going to up Cardiff for me to get all my stuff. On fathers day too!!!
My dads laptop broke today. It was my old laptop. He can't afford a computer or laptop. So as a treat, I took out the last remaining scraps of my savings and bought him a tablet computer and leather case for it. Should arrive early next week. Most expensive gift I've ever given him or anyone I think!! I just wish I could give him more for all the things he's done for me.
Thanks for the exercise plans!! That's a really good idea and I will try to do little bits here and there so I'm not just sat in bed all day.
Symptoms to report - Been very very fatigued! Probably to do with the trouble I have getting to sleep, and then not having proper sleep cycles. It's just dreams. I guess the depression and the doing nothing all day is adding to that tiredness. Anxiety is fairly manageable but that's because I've just been in my room. Yesterday I went downstairs and I started to panic a bit because my DP/DR got a bit too much. That's still a constant problem too!! Wish I could shake that off and be a bit more connected with the world around me!!
I am eating plenty so that's not a worry. Probably too much seeming as I'm barely burning a single calorie!
Hopefully this diazepam cut won't be as bad as the last, although it's technically going to be around the same percentage of a cut so only time will tell. I'm going to try and savour how I felt today and remember that however bad this cut gets, I will be OK again.
Not long now until my stupid brain realises it's a few MGs short of diazepam!
Just remembered.... the withdraw symptoms best not bother me tomorrow as I have to drive my dad a mile away to pick up the hire van!!! EEEKK! Just remembered that..... ARGH!
Hope everyone here is OK
Steven x
Good to hear how it's going.
Most meds taste horrible like when you can't swallow them and you get that taste agh!
So can imagine the liquid taste foul, have some chewing gum at hand lol.
Lovely thing to do for you dad, is it a surprise or does he know? You don't have to buy him thing though to show him you appreciate what he's Don for you over the years and especially now your poorly. Because as we all know it's not easy living with somebody with anxiety/depression.
Just an idea, can your dad not drive his car to the place to pick the an up,leave his car there till he stopwatch van back off. That way you won't have it on your mind all night hope I'm ok
etc. It's a shame you've done your cut now because it's a big day Sunday and you could do without all the hassle,even to the point of finding new places for your things.as you have prob accumulated much more now than when you lived at home last time.
Hope this cut goes smoother for you, write in your dairy how you feel before so you remember you will get there again. It's great your eating well.
Take care xx
It's not far down the road to drive him. He knows what I'm like outside the house. I'm literally just going to drive there as fast (but as safely) as possible and kick him out the car and 180degrees back home. It's really not far, maybe 2 miles max.
My dad doesn't know about the tablet PC I bought him. I bet he will be happy with it. He won't be back Sunday either. It will be late Monday that he'll be back. I'm going to have to help him unload the van and put all the stuff in the house. Then I have most of next week to sort it all out and find room for it so I REALLY hope my diazepam cut doesn't cause me any problems.
So far, although it was only yesterday, I'm not feeling too bad. This is common though. From my past experience, I normally feel OK for the first 2 days, probably because my body is thanking me for not giving it a medication that makes me so sleepy. Then when the 2 days have past, my brain realises I'm lacking the diazepam and takes a few more days then to compensate. Hopefully with the small drops, it doesn't have to compensate so much.
Steven x
---------- Post added at 16:30 ---------- Previous post was at 16:06 ----------
Just drove my dad down. Wasn't bad at all although I felt MUCH better on the way back than I did on the way there!
Hey that's great, sometimes we just have to say right im doing it(well I do,doesnt always work)
Awh thats will be a nice surprise for him! I have a kindle fire hd which is great cause I can go on internet etc and also download free books. its feels really different when i'm on the laptop though because it doesnt correct the punctuation, spelling, pretext etc its all there in memory on kindle me being lazy really!
Just written out my weekly schedule for my diazepam. I should be completely off at the start of August (ALL GOING WELL!).
Liquid diazepam is so easy to manage to dose up! There is no possible way to get a 0.25mg of a 2mg tablet!!
I was sort of hoping that the lower the dose I get, the easier it will get but apparently the last few doses are the hardest. Daaaayum.
I'll just keep watching this over and over again
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1g1MK9OhLkg&list=UUuffCDqJnizAVVWhvHQXOLg&index=14
nicola1980
26-06-13, 14:36
Hi Steve, how's it going? X x
Steveo, I have just watched the video, and I thought it very good, it bought a tear to my eye. I hope you are doing well with the dosage.
I have a friend who is doing the same as you, she says she feels a bit disorientated.
but she is determined to cope.
Take care Steveo xx
Hi Steven,
Just wondering how things are going for you?
X
That was a long journey but I thought I'd post back here just to say I've been off Diazepam since yesterday. This will be my second attempt at stopping.
nicola1980
12-08-13, 18:15
Well done Steve that's great :D unfortunately Im still on it due to another family bereavement but hoping to reduce my dose again soon x x
Sorry to hear that Nic! I hope everything is ok! :(
Well I failed too. I was having my dinner at 5pm and I completely lost reality for a few seconds and zoned out in extreme derealisation. Had to take 2mg PRN. It worked wonderfully for a couple of hours but I've had that horrible depersonalisation feeling since 7pm.
I seem to be jumpy at every sound and I just don't feel right at all. I doubt it's the withdrawal so I imagine that a big part of it is psychological.
spacecadet6100
19-08-13, 21:10
Hi from Australia M8.
This is really interesting, I was placed on Diazepam for virtually the same reasons you were stevo and here's the weird part... I was prescribed 5mg when needed, so I was taking about 5-10mgs per day. I stopped cold turkey after only 2 weeks of use because I found that the comedown/crash-down far outweighed the negative symptoms of my panic attacks. If I took 5mgs when a panic attack was happening, it would calm me down for say 4 hours or so then, for the next 2-3 days, a living hell.
My comedown symptoms were exactly as you described without any differentiation what so ever:
"-VERY SEVERE Depersonalisation/derealisation. It no longer seems that anything around me is real life. It doesn't feel like reality. Without a doubt the most frightening and annoying symptom.
- Insomnia. It's taking me hours to try and get to sleep at night.
- Anhedonia. I have been suffering a severe lack of interest in life since March and it has worsened recently. I'm currently bed bound and have been for 3 months.
- Muscle twitches.
- Sweating
- Vivid dreams (?), I've been experiencing these very strongly since before I took my first diazepam back in very early January, since I've been back on SSRI's but I think these also might be to blame.
- Increased anxiety. Very jumpy, very scared of everything, nothing gives me comfort and relief.
- Agoraphobia (due to a mix of all the above symptoms). "
I'm also on SSRI's (Zoloft & Endronax) max dose for both, been on them for 10 years now, would you think that my severe reactive comedown would have something to-do with medication interactions or is this just the double edged sword of diazepam?
Anyway, doctors now got me taking 'Melatonin' 2mg daily for sleep. it apparently used to be a herb supplement available at any kmart but now its a fully controlled drug/hormone available under prescription only.
Opinions, comments...
You know it's really really interesting you say that!!
Firstly, diazepam and SSRI's don't react with each other so that shouldn't be an issue at all. I can probably place all my money on the problems being diazepam!
It's no wonder why it's a class C drug here in the UK meaning if caught with some and it's not prescribed, you can go to prison!!!
I basically came into hospital with the DP/DR symptoms as they have been the most scary for me but the less I take diazepam, the less these symptoms happen. I've successfully been on just 0.5mg a day for 7 days now and my symptoms are getting less and less. The insomnia is still there and as for my dreaming.... it's horrible! I watched Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels last night and for practically the entire night, I had such strong dreams that I was in that film and being shot at!!
My muscles too are twitching and yes, agoraphobia.
Basically, this episode of anxiety happened because I came off my medication in October but my DP/DR and agoraphobia only really started to happen badly once I realised that the diazepam was no longer working so I was in a tolerance stage. It's taken me almost 5 months to get down to just 0.5ml a day. I will NEVER EVER take it daily for as long as I live because the withdrawing stage is just so much worse than the reason I took the drug! I've been bedbound properly since this happened too and only just starting to get myself outside.
How long were you taking the diazepam for? And are you back on it now with a view to come off slowly or are you still gritting your teeth with the cold turkey symptoms? I really really recommend tapering off this drug as slow as possible. Even the toughest of people get anxiety if coming off this drug cold turkey!
Steven
How are you guys doing now if you’d can read this
Iv'e been on and off Valium (diazepam ) for 40 + years and on a regular daily does between 6-8 mg daily . I get 28 x2mg per week . The don't work any more as tolerance has built up so decided to quit cold turkey and lasted about 16 days up until Saturday 11 aug when I decided to have a drink which led to too many drinks and on Sunday I felt so bad with the hangover I started back on 8 mg of diazepam then this morning took 8mg .
These are hellish drugs to withdraw from and my short alcohol binge only made it more unbearable .
I see my addiction specialist on Thursday this week and I'm hoping she sets a tapering off plan for me as I'm not going CT again .
It is a good idea to read "the Ashton manual " http://w-bad.org/abouttheashtonmanual/ I learned a lot about benzodiazepine here .
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