Susan110
30-05-13, 23:57
I feel so ridiculous for writing this, mainly because everyone around me makes me feel ridiculous for having this phobia.I have many phobias and one of them is ant phobia. I never liked insects at all but I always ignored ants, they were outside minding their own business and I never saw them in my house. Around 8 years ago something happened during this time of the year that probably triggered this phobia. It happened in May, it was a hot weekend and I had just woken up. When I went to the kitchen I noticed a lot of bugs flying around, I thought they were mosquitoes but they started bothering me, then I looked to the floor,it's all white and it was covered in black winged ants. They were on the floor and flying around the kitchen, I was alone at home and started to panic, I ran to my bedroom and as I ran I noticed they had already reached the living room and were flying around. I locked myself in my bedroom, checked everything and it was all clear, I thought I would be safe until someone got home. I was sitting on my bed paralyzed by fear, crying and shaking, half an hour later I noticed a black line on my wall next to the door, they were coming into my bedroom by the hole in the door. 5 minutes later I had ants all over me and flying all over the bedroom, I was screaming for help, paralyzed, crying, after a while I was able to get my sneakers , started running and got out of the house in my pajamas. As I ran out I saw millions of ants. I went to my friends house that's really close to mine and even she was disgusted when she came inside to take a look and she doesn't even fear ants. My grandma cleaned the whole house with bleach and after a day out I came back and there was no sign of ants. We had no more ants that year. Since that year and always around this time we have ants, until now it was not as big as it was in 2006 *knocks on wood* but having this phobia I can't live with them. We had ants in 2009 too but in a smaller quantity, still my fear was so big that I bought all types of poison and applied them all at once, I ended up in the hospital because I inhaled powder poison and it also caused me eczema in my face and in my arms, it was really serious, since then I don't touch such things. For the last two years we had no ants and I thought I was safe this year but a week ago I started noticing once again flying things in my kitchen and when I took a closer look I noticed they were flying ants, smaller than the ones we had in 2006 but still flying ants. They have been parading themselves all around the kitchen, living room, bathroom, on the floor and we have regular ants too, walking around the floor, coming from all over the places. Since I noticed this I started having a panic attacks, (I suffer from severe anxiety and have been dealing with panic attacks since I was 16, I'm 23 now), I can't sleep, I stopped eating and I already lost weight because I can't go into the kitchen or eat anything cooked there, I feel so tired, I just want to lay on my bed and sleep but I can't, when I fall asleep I wake up 15 minutes later to check the whole bedroom and my bed. I'm getting exhausted from so much cleaning, I became so paranoid, I'm always spraying the windows and corners with vinegar, washing the floor, vacuuming like crazy, checking the floor for any piece of food,always checking every place of the house, 24 hours a day. I've washed my hands so much that the skin is cracking and it hurts. I feel like I'm going crazy, I even thought about ending it all because I can't live in this permanent state of paranoia, it's making me terribly ill. My mother had a heart attack last year and I understand I can't upset her but she hasn't been understanding at all. She knows about my phobia and refuses to help me, she said she will not pay for a professional to kill the ants and I can't pay for it since I'm unemployed, she also said that I only have two options, leaving the house or learning to live with the ants. We had a huge fight today because of this, I try to put her in my shoes, since she has a huge phobia of rats but she still doesn't understand. Everyone laughs when I talk about it and I feel so down, I've honestly lost the will to live since now I'm not even comfortable in my own house, the only place where I always felt safe. I'm so, so tired. What should I do??? I know probably most of you are laughing at this post but I don't care anymore, I'm just so exhausted, sitting here, looking around all the time, feeling things crawling on my body and I even have a terrible allergy on my back, the first thing I thought was that the ants must have been walking around my back during my sleep since it's all red and burns but it can also be from all this stress. It's too much for me to bear all alone, I've been struggling with anxiety for so long, since my mother had her heart attack it became worse and now this. Sorry for such a long message, I just needed to get this out since no one seems to comprehend. I'm starting to think that it's all my fault, that they're right. I'm sorry for such a long message.