miseria
01-06-13, 00:29
Hi everyone! :) I'm Anna, 25 years old, living in Finland. First of all, I am SO GLAD that I found this community and have the chance to share my story with people who actually understand. I have to write it down because otherwise I will go insane (if I'm not insane already).
I was already suffering from health anxiety as a kid. One of my favourite books was the one called "Childhood Illnesses" and I knew all the diseases and all the symptoms from it by the age of 10. I was very afraid of dying and I was thinking about it a lot (where does a kid get all this stuff from??). Many times I just could not go to sleep because I was so afraid I would not wake up the next day. And I always had thoughts about dying at a young age (possibly in my twenties). My parents were always laughing about me and my "imaginary illnesses" and they never took me seriously...but my parents are another story. Eventually I developed an eating disorder and several other things as well.
But the worst started a couple of years ago. I started to have problems with breathing (I was already suffering from an anxiety disorder for a long time, I just did not know it yet). I had pressure in my chest and shortness of breath, it felt like I was suffocating all the time. It has been going on for long enough that I would start looking up symptoms on the internet. And that's where I have learned about lung cancer. The more I read about it, the uglier it got. I started reading statistics, forums, research papers, everything I could possibly find. I found out that it's "never too early to have cancer" and "most cancers are found during advanced stages". For 2 months I was convinced that I am dying from lung cancer. I guess you can imagine my family's reaction. I visited many doctors and they all put my problem down to anxiety and smoking (I was a smoker back then but I quit shortly after hearing that). It took me a while to understand that I don't have lung cancer, but I thought the nightmare was over. Until I accidentally cut myself with scissors(very tiny cut)...oops, my last tetanus shot was over 10 years ago...I am going to get lockjaw, oh my god, what are the symptoms...hello dr. google...I got so obsessed with the whole thing that I actually started questioning the doctors (they did give me a tetanus reminder shot, but only a couple of days later). They must not have given me the right dose, they should have given me 2 injections according to the sites and now I am going to die, the survival rates are quite low, etc...guess what, I did not get lockjaw after all. Same story with a lump in my armpit (breast cancer/lymphoma - turns out that I have been pressing my armpit so much that a node got irritated), a weird looking mole (this MUST be melanoma, I am going to die - atypical mole, otherwise normal) and a couple of other things. I am just AWFUL, really.
I finally thought I've put all these cancer worries behind me, when I developed strange migrating joint pains this February. It was going around my body, but mostly settling in the hips/thigh/lower back region. It was horrible, constant pain EVERY DAY and it was ruining my life, I had to stop doing sports, I was suffering at work (sitting in the office was unbearable at times) it was just miserable. Countless of visits to orthopedic surgeons, clear blood tests, no rheumatoid disease, no lyme disease, no leukemia...after x-rays and a perfectly clear lower back MRI (still waiting for the hip MRIs) doctors do not know what's wrong with me. I also went to a naturopath, who said that I'm letting my fears take the best of me and I must work on that because it's making me sick. In the past two weeks the joint pain seems to be A LOT better, meaning 80% gone. I'm still careful with exercising though.
Guess what, I have developed stomach pain in the past few weeks instead. Besides of being acidic, I never had any problems with my stomach before. Now it hurts most of the time and it's driving me crazy. I went to a gastroenterologist, who ordered an upper abdominal ultrasound and various blood tests for liver and pancreatic function. It all came back CLEAR, I don't even have a single gallstone. Now I am convinced that I have stomach cancer...the symptoms I read were exactly the same as mine with the bloating and pain and pressure...I am now saving for an endoscopy because my mom is refusing to help me out with money (you have to go to private clinics here if you want to get something done before you die and they cost a lot). She thinks I am crazy and I should "find better things to do". I am not crazy. My symptoms are real. They always were. And it is real too that people my age die from cancer all the time. I am so afraid to die this early. I have so many plans with my life, I have big dreams and ambitions, I just cannot face cancer yet, it cannot be....
For most people I am just a normal 25 year old girl. I go to work, I'm studying at the university, I have a wonderful relationship, I go to parties, have fun with my friends, etc. What they do not know is that I stay up at night and I just read and read and read until I freak out so much that I get a panic attack or I just start crying and screaming out of fear. I cannot take this anymore. This is not me, this is someone else, who takes over me and drives me crazy. I have been through so much in my life (all kinds of abuse and addictions you can imagine and I was always the stronger one in the end) and I am so angry at myself that this thing is stronger than I am. I have no idea, what to do. I am ashamed of myself for what I've become and I just cannot see the way out. I always promise myself that "from now on, I won't google anything" but then a new symptom comes up and I just HAVE TO read everything about it. I feel like this way I can be prepared and I can save my own life. But instead of it, I am just ruining everything. My friends don't understand me, my family laughs at me and calls me an idiot, many times doctors don't believe me either...my boyfriend is absolutely wonderful and understanding, but my problem is damaging our relationship quite badly...I completely lost my interest in sex in during the past few months and all I can think about is dying from cancer. I do have "sober" moments of course (usually one half of the day I'm more or less OK) but even then it's in the back of my head, I can never let it go completely. I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!
Please, tell me that there is a way out of this!! How are you coping with your health anxieties? Is it possible to heal and just forget about all this crap? I am starting therapy sessions in July but I would like to do something about it already. I want to understand where these horrible worries come from but I have absolutely no idea. I have been an anxious person for as long as I can remember but THIS is really over the top. My biggest problem is that I feel like I am not in control of my own actions anymore. And I just cannot shut up that little voice in my head saying "what if you are that 0,5%?". This is crazy. But it seems so real to me. I can visualize the whole thing so clearly. I don't want to, but it is there and I can see it all the time. I don't want to die from this horrible disease. I don't want to fight it. I don't want to face it. I just want some PEACE after so many years of struggle and fear and tears. I want to heal and live a normal life. Because this is not one...
Thank you so much for reading my story. You have no idea how much this means to me.
With Love <3
Anna
I was already suffering from health anxiety as a kid. One of my favourite books was the one called "Childhood Illnesses" and I knew all the diseases and all the symptoms from it by the age of 10. I was very afraid of dying and I was thinking about it a lot (where does a kid get all this stuff from??). Many times I just could not go to sleep because I was so afraid I would not wake up the next day. And I always had thoughts about dying at a young age (possibly in my twenties). My parents were always laughing about me and my "imaginary illnesses" and they never took me seriously...but my parents are another story. Eventually I developed an eating disorder and several other things as well.
But the worst started a couple of years ago. I started to have problems with breathing (I was already suffering from an anxiety disorder for a long time, I just did not know it yet). I had pressure in my chest and shortness of breath, it felt like I was suffocating all the time. It has been going on for long enough that I would start looking up symptoms on the internet. And that's where I have learned about lung cancer. The more I read about it, the uglier it got. I started reading statistics, forums, research papers, everything I could possibly find. I found out that it's "never too early to have cancer" and "most cancers are found during advanced stages". For 2 months I was convinced that I am dying from lung cancer. I guess you can imagine my family's reaction. I visited many doctors and they all put my problem down to anxiety and smoking (I was a smoker back then but I quit shortly after hearing that). It took me a while to understand that I don't have lung cancer, but I thought the nightmare was over. Until I accidentally cut myself with scissors(very tiny cut)...oops, my last tetanus shot was over 10 years ago...I am going to get lockjaw, oh my god, what are the symptoms...hello dr. google...I got so obsessed with the whole thing that I actually started questioning the doctors (they did give me a tetanus reminder shot, but only a couple of days later). They must not have given me the right dose, they should have given me 2 injections according to the sites and now I am going to die, the survival rates are quite low, etc...guess what, I did not get lockjaw after all. Same story with a lump in my armpit (breast cancer/lymphoma - turns out that I have been pressing my armpit so much that a node got irritated), a weird looking mole (this MUST be melanoma, I am going to die - atypical mole, otherwise normal) and a couple of other things. I am just AWFUL, really.
I finally thought I've put all these cancer worries behind me, when I developed strange migrating joint pains this February. It was going around my body, but mostly settling in the hips/thigh/lower back region. It was horrible, constant pain EVERY DAY and it was ruining my life, I had to stop doing sports, I was suffering at work (sitting in the office was unbearable at times) it was just miserable. Countless of visits to orthopedic surgeons, clear blood tests, no rheumatoid disease, no lyme disease, no leukemia...after x-rays and a perfectly clear lower back MRI (still waiting for the hip MRIs) doctors do not know what's wrong with me. I also went to a naturopath, who said that I'm letting my fears take the best of me and I must work on that because it's making me sick. In the past two weeks the joint pain seems to be A LOT better, meaning 80% gone. I'm still careful with exercising though.
Guess what, I have developed stomach pain in the past few weeks instead. Besides of being acidic, I never had any problems with my stomach before. Now it hurts most of the time and it's driving me crazy. I went to a gastroenterologist, who ordered an upper abdominal ultrasound and various blood tests for liver and pancreatic function. It all came back CLEAR, I don't even have a single gallstone. Now I am convinced that I have stomach cancer...the symptoms I read were exactly the same as mine with the bloating and pain and pressure...I am now saving for an endoscopy because my mom is refusing to help me out with money (you have to go to private clinics here if you want to get something done before you die and they cost a lot). She thinks I am crazy and I should "find better things to do". I am not crazy. My symptoms are real. They always were. And it is real too that people my age die from cancer all the time. I am so afraid to die this early. I have so many plans with my life, I have big dreams and ambitions, I just cannot face cancer yet, it cannot be....
For most people I am just a normal 25 year old girl. I go to work, I'm studying at the university, I have a wonderful relationship, I go to parties, have fun with my friends, etc. What they do not know is that I stay up at night and I just read and read and read until I freak out so much that I get a panic attack or I just start crying and screaming out of fear. I cannot take this anymore. This is not me, this is someone else, who takes over me and drives me crazy. I have been through so much in my life (all kinds of abuse and addictions you can imagine and I was always the stronger one in the end) and I am so angry at myself that this thing is stronger than I am. I have no idea, what to do. I am ashamed of myself for what I've become and I just cannot see the way out. I always promise myself that "from now on, I won't google anything" but then a new symptom comes up and I just HAVE TO read everything about it. I feel like this way I can be prepared and I can save my own life. But instead of it, I am just ruining everything. My friends don't understand me, my family laughs at me and calls me an idiot, many times doctors don't believe me either...my boyfriend is absolutely wonderful and understanding, but my problem is damaging our relationship quite badly...I completely lost my interest in sex in during the past few months and all I can think about is dying from cancer. I do have "sober" moments of course (usually one half of the day I'm more or less OK) but even then it's in the back of my head, I can never let it go completely. I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!
Please, tell me that there is a way out of this!! How are you coping with your health anxieties? Is it possible to heal and just forget about all this crap? I am starting therapy sessions in July but I would like to do something about it already. I want to understand where these horrible worries come from but I have absolutely no idea. I have been an anxious person for as long as I can remember but THIS is really over the top. My biggest problem is that I feel like I am not in control of my own actions anymore. And I just cannot shut up that little voice in my head saying "what if you are that 0,5%?". This is crazy. But it seems so real to me. I can visualize the whole thing so clearly. I don't want to, but it is there and I can see it all the time. I don't want to die from this horrible disease. I don't want to fight it. I don't want to face it. I just want some PEACE after so many years of struggle and fear and tears. I want to heal and live a normal life. Because this is not one...
Thank you so much for reading my story. You have no idea how much this means to me.
With Love <3
Anna