My battle with health anxiety (please help me, I'm so alone)

[miseria]

Hi everyone! :) I'm Anna, 25 years old, living in Finland. First of all, I am SO GLAD that I found this community and have the chance to share my story with people who actually understand. I have to write it down because otherwise I will go insane (if I'm not insane already).

I was already suffering from health anxiety as a kid. One of my favourite books was the one called "Childhood Illnesses" and I knew all the diseases and all the symptoms from it by the age of 10. I was very afraid of dying and I was thinking about it a lot (where does a kid get all this stuff from??). Many times I just could not go to sleep because I was so afraid I would not wake up the next day. And I always had thoughts about dying at a young age (possibly in my twenties). My parents were always laughing about me and my "imaginary illnesses" and they never took me seriously...but my parents are another story. Eventually I developed an eating disorder and several other things as well.

But the worst started a couple of years ago. I started to have problems with breathing (I was already suffering from an anxiety disorder for a long time, I just did not know it yet). I had pressure in my chest and shortness of breath, it felt like I was suffocating all the time. It has been going on for long enough that I would start looking up symptoms on the internet. And that's where I have learned about lung cancer. The more I read about it, the uglier it got. I started reading statistics, forums, research papers, everything I could possibly find. I found out that it's "never too early to have cancer" and "most cancers are found during advanced stages". For 2 months I was convinced that I am dying from lung cancer. I guess you can imagine my family's reaction. I visited many doctors and they all put my problem down to anxiety and smoking (I was a smoker back then but I quit shortly after hearing that). It took me a while to understand that I don't have lung cancer, but I thought the nightmare was over. Until I accidentally cut myself with scissors(very tiny cut)...oops, my last tetanus shot was over 10 years ago...I am going to get lockjaw, oh my god, what are the symptoms...hello dr. google...I got so obsessed with the whole thing that I actually started questioning the doctors (they did give me a tetanus reminder shot, but only a couple of days later). They must not have given me the right dose, they should have given me 2 injections according to the sites and now I am going to die, the survival rates are quite low, etc...guess what, I did not get lockjaw after all. Same story with a lump in my armpit (breast cancer/lymphoma - turns out that I have been pressing my armpit so much that a node got irritated), a weird looking mole (this MUST be melanoma, I am going to die - atypical mole, otherwise normal) and a couple of other things. I am just AWFUL, really.

I finally thought I've put all these cancer worries behind me, when I developed strange migrating joint pains this February. It was going around my body, but mostly settling in the hips/thigh/lower back region. It was horrible, constant pain EVERY DAY and it was ruining my life, I had to stop doing sports, I was suffering at work (sitting in the office was unbearable at times) it was just miserable. Countless of visits to orthopedic surgeons, clear blood tests, no rheumatoid disease, no lyme disease, no leukemia...after x-rays and a perfectly clear lower back MRI (still waiting for the hip MRIs) doctors do not know what's wrong with me. I also went to a naturopath, who said that I'm letting my fears take the best of me and I must work on that because it's making me sick. In the past two weeks the joint pain seems to be A LOT better, meaning 80% gone. I'm still careful with exercising though.

Guess what, I have developed stomach pain in the past few weeks instead. Besides of being acidic, I never had any problems with my stomach before. Now it hurts most of the time and it's driving me crazy. I went to a gastroenterologist, who ordered an upper abdominal ultrasound and various blood tests for liver and pancreatic function. It all came back CLEAR, I don't even have a single gallstone. Now I am convinced that I have stomach cancer...the symptoms I read were exactly the same as mine with the bloating and pain and pressure...I am now saving for an endoscopy because my mom is refusing to help me out with money (you have to go to private clinics here if you want to get something done before you die and they cost a lot). She thinks I am crazy and I should "find better things to do". I am not crazy. My symptoms are real. They always were. And it is real too that people my age die from cancer all the time. I am so afraid to die this early. I have so many plans with my life, I have big dreams and ambitions, I just cannot face cancer yet, it cannot be....

For most people I am just a normal 25 year old girl. I go to work, I'm studying at the university, I have a wonderful relationship, I go to parties, have fun with my friends, etc. What they do not know is that I stay up at night and I just read and read and read until I freak out so much that I get a panic attack or I just start crying and screaming out of fear. I cannot take this anymore. This is not me, this is someone else, who takes over me and drives me crazy. I have been through so much in my life (all kinds of abuse and addictions you can imagine and I was always the stronger one in the end) and I am so angry at myself that this thing is stronger than I am. I have no idea, what to do. I am ashamed of myself for what I've become and I just cannot see the way out. I always promise myself that "from now on, I won't google anything" but then a new symptom comes up and I just HAVE TO read everything about it. I feel like this way I can be prepared and I can save my own life. But instead of it, I am just ruining everything. My friends don't understand me, my family laughs at me and calls me an idiot, many times doctors don't believe me either...my boyfriend is absolutely wonderful and understanding, but my problem is damaging our relationship quite badly...I completely lost my interest in sex in during the past few months and all I can think about is dying from cancer. I do have "sober" moments of course (usually one half of the day I'm more or less OK) but even then it's in the back of my head, I can never let it go completely. I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!

Please, tell me that there is a way out of this!! How are you coping with your health anxieties? Is it possible to heal and just forget about all this crap? I am starting therapy sessions in July but I would like to do something about it already. I want to understand where these horrible worries come from but I have absolutely no idea. I have been an anxious person for as long as I can remember but THIS is really over the top. My biggest problem is that I feel like I am not in control of my own actions anymore. And I just cannot shut up that little voice in my head saying "what if you are that 0,5%?". This is crazy. But it seems so real to me. I can visualize the whole thing so clearly. I don't want to, but it is there and I can see it all the time. I don't want to die from this horrible disease. I don't want to fight it. I don't want to face it. I just want some PEACE after so many years of struggle and fear and tears. I want to heal and live a normal life. Because this is not one...

Thank you so much for reading my story. You have no idea how much this means to me.

With Love <3
Anna

[bibliophilic]

Hello, dear Anna! Nice to meet you (though sorry it's under these circumstances). I'm 24 and have many of the same anxieties that you do so I can understand and relate completely. I started having abdominal pain back in January, coupled with extreme bloating, indigestion, and a lack of appetite. I was losing weight slowly from that but it got really bad in February when I developed a swallowing disorder. We're still working on all of these problems and are only just now finding out some things (I have gallstones which may or may not be causing the issues, as my symptoms are pretty atypical). My friends and family either don't know what I'm going through, or distanced themselves after they found out.

I also relate for the saving of money for tests. I have an insurance where I pay so much for doctors' visits, prescriptions, and then so much towards a deductible. I'm changing insurance next week and it covers a lot less and I'll be paying more. I don't work right now (I was a student but recently withdrew because of my issues) and so I'm going all on savings. Luckily I worked my tush off last summer and saved up! Money adds to the issues, I know!

There are a few things that keep me sane. First, I watch a LOT of funny TV shows and movies. Right now I'm watching Arrested Development on repeat. A lot of my time is spent going to doctors or laying in bed feeling sick, so it works for my schedule. The local library brings me a lot of comfort, as does reading. I was studying to be a librarian and historian in school, so I try to maintain some of my old habits.

I know that we will all heal from it. I think it's a matter of rerouting our thoughts so that we aren't obsessive anymore. Because that's what it is, really, an obsession. Some people take Prozac etc and it gives them relief.

If you had stomach cancer, they would have definitely seen it in at least the bloodwork. Trust me.

Hang in there and message if you need to talk :hugs:

[Renee 123]

You are not alone! I just joined this site and knowing that there are others like me is already helping! I hope you will feel better soon.xoxoxo You can get through this .

[miseria]

Thank you so much for your support bibliophilic, it really means a lot!! :) Is it really possible to reroute the obsessive thoughts? How does it work? I have to say that I've NEVER been to therapy before, I visited a couple of therapists these days but only so that they can put me to the hospital for long-term therapy. Do you take any medication? I think I will try first without it...knowing myself, I would only become dependent on that too...

And don't give up on your dreams of becoming a librarian, it's never too late to continue! I left my first university back at home after 2 years and everybody was shocked...it just wasn't the right time for me...3 years ago I moved to Finland, I started again, I just LOVE it and I'm graduating this year. My dream is to make it in the music business one day and I'm getting there with baby steps :)

Hope you get your health issues sorted out soon...what kind of tests have you been through? My dad had gallstones as well but he was having really bad cramps from them. So it does sound quite different from your pains. But even if the pain is from the gallstones, they can do an operation for that. My dad had it and my boss had it too. Now they are better than ever!

And btw, I remember a quote from Neil Gaiman: "Google can bring you back 100000 answers, a librarian can bring you back the right one." He is probably right :)

[hayden21]

You sound exactly the same as me! I have been dealing with it for 4 years now ( I turn 22 in July) and it has come full circle back to the first thing I ever feared - Stomach Cancer. I have these fears because of a diet full of salted food and nitrate based foods like pepperoni and obviously the symptoms, although mine consist of regurgitation and 'wet burps' plus stomach discomfort. I have had so many test for so many different things and each time I tell myself this is the one and a month later I have a new fear and think the old thing was silly.
For example I had a headache for about three months and was taking NSAIDS nearly everyday until these stomach issues started but then of course I refuse to believe that the NSAIDS (which are documented to cause many a fruitful stomach disorders) are the cause and that it is of course stomach cancer which in our age group occurs in 1 of 200,000 people and hereditary gene mutations cause maybe 20% - 30% of those.

I guess my point, apart from wanting to vent my own frustrations, is that you will always find what you are looking for if you make it impossible not to - if that makes any sense. I.E type in my symptoms and google will tell me it is GERD which is very common, but if I add the word cancer to the search it will of course tell me many a documented case of those same symptoms being the result of stomach cancer and I will die in three months and so on.

You are definitely not alone my friend, it's ****ed up but we deal :)

[bibliophilic]

Well I know that my mom used to have really bad OCD, and with counseling and medication she was able to get some control over it. I personally have been cycling; when the abdominal pain first started, I was obsessed. It toned down a bit and then I got really really really bad when the swallowing problem started. It was my first waking and final waking moment, every single day. I even dreamed about it! Well after three months of that I started just getting used to it..then I found out I have gallstones and now I'm getting obsessive over that. (That twinge of pain in my abdomen--is that my gallbladder?! Is it going to get really bad?! What can I eat?!?!?! etc etc) So I'm trying to reroute my thoughts and break the cycle. It's hard to explain, but I'm doing the same thing for the circle of abuse that I've been in since childhood (very highly abusive childhood, which warped my reality of healthy relationships as I aged--I've done pretty well at breaking that though and I have a decent sense of normalcy now). How did I do that? Can't explain it even to myself, really. Just forced myself. Easier said than done and it's a lot harder with the health issues because the physical pain reminds and scares me.

My health anxiety is kind of weird because my problem isn't that I'm afraid of cancer or heart attacks or etc, but I'm horribly afraid of medical tests and of never getting a diagnosis. I went so many months without a diagnosis and meanwhile I lost a horrific amount of weight and dropped out of school and lost a lot of relationships because I was too tired and sick to go out. Hell, I still don't really have a diagnosis, as doctors don't know for sure if the gallstones are causing me my problems or if surgery will be of any benefit! So that's what my anxiety is mainly about. But I do have some classic health anxiety as well but to a lesser extent--mainly about my eyes and blood clots.

As for the tests..so many. Countless blood tests, chest x-rays, a nuclear stress test, an upper endoscopy, an abdominal ultrasound, and an attempted HIDA scan (failed miserably due to a panic attack and that wasn't helped by a nurse who literally laughed at me and mocked me). I'm supposed to retry the HIDA scan but I'm kind of scarred. The fear of surgery is a whole different bunch of bananas and even though it's a common procedure, I'm like, "Major abdominal surgery? NOOOOO I'm too young for this." But sickness doesn't discriminate. ;)

Love that quote, by the way! I do still want to be a librarian and there's a really great online masters program that I'm going to try to get into for next spring. As for being a history professor..that's like 8 more years of school and not sure if I'll ever make it. The music industry would be so fun to work in and I know you'll make it! :hugs:

[LoveIsFree]

Hi, Anna.

We both need to stay away from Dr. Google.

I have health anxieties. Yesterday I was worried about having a stroke. I am 19. No high blood pressure or cholesterol, no family history..
I like to make my worries light by laughing at them. It helps. But I know how you feel. I do the same thing. Read and read and read and read, looking for reassurance but it just makes my anxiety worse. And with more anxiety, comes more symptoms. The anxiety and stress does take a toll on one's body. Shortly after I developed anxiety in 2006, I developed IBS, then GERD. Whenever I feel anxious, I am running for the bathroom, even when I get excited about something. That could be your stomach pain problem. I have it too.

As for coping, I found that when I didn't have internet for a week or so... I felt better. Try, try, try to stay off of Google. I can't say that I haven't looked up symptoms, but I've been trying my hardest not to til I just HAVE to know, ya know.. if "this" is normal or if anyone else experiences "that". I think you'd just know if it were something serious, and with all of your tests, your doctors would too.

I go to the doctor when my arm itches. Don't worry, you're not alone and you're not crazy.

Take care.


-T

[emma jo]

hi i really feel for you i have been suffering from health anxiety since i was 23 im now 34 it came and went over that period of time but since i watched both my grandparents die last xmas in space of two weeks it became much worse im always worrying about different illness mainly cancer and have developed ocds to check my body for cancers and im currently struggling to to give in to my urges . i too have read far to much on illness and it all sticks in my mind and convinces me its cancer i worry a lot of the time which puts a strain on my relationship as he finds it hard to understand a lot of time i feel alone to be honest .I have had ten sessions of cbt but need a lot more i think. i know its such a horrible scary feeling and people that dont get it find it hard to understand. It did go away before so what keeps me going is that hopefully it went away i can get it to go away again. I had a two year period were i had no health worries or ocds at all keep strong :noangel: