amaryllis_celladine
03-06-13, 16:17
Hello everyone,
I was reluctant in posting here, mainly because I felt like doing so meant that my other treatments weren't working or that I was desperate, but I think an important part of my recovery in my latest breakdown is to understand I'm not alone in how I'm feeling, so I am here, because I feel it is the right thing to do.
I am a sexual assault survivor. It happened 6 years ago but I still get triggered by it sometimes. In the past few months, my anxiety has been getting worse and worse. It started with my old cat, Lennon, becoming ill and it turning out he had a bad liver, and that he was on the slow path to the rainbow bridge, as it were. In 2011, my nephew died, and that was very traumatic as it was a long, slow illness before he died (he had cerebral palsy, and his lungs were bad, and then he had a very bad seizure - it was tough). My aunt was also very sick for the past few years. She died just a month ago, and it's been tough going ever since.
I had this frantic need to change my life. I had a breakdown and sent myself to the ER of the local hospital. They didn't think I was bad enough to stay in, and my family, my wonderful family, agreed. They have been looking after me.
Every day is a struggle. New worries come and go. One day it's the cat. Another day it's my father (he's 73). Today it's anxiety that my relationship with my boyfriend isn't working (it's fine, we're both very happy, the anxiety is creating problems that aren't there). It was so bad I was triggered when we were making out. I told myself that it's normal for assault survivors to be funny about intimacy. I have been cleaning my bedroom lately, and it's the first time it's been clean since I was assaulted in there, and I think it's surfacing a lot of uncomfortable feelings. My boyfriend is very understanding, thank God. I feel calm and okay with him, and I know that I can trust in love to help me through.
I just wish this anxiety would pass. I know I am rushing myself. I was only in the ER with the breakdown a week and a half ago. Recovery from this sort of thing takes months. Sometimes I just get so tired of being in pain and being afraid all the time.
I'll hold on, I know I will, as I survived assault, I survived coming out to my family, I survived losing my Grandma at 16. I survived a lot of hard things. Sometimes, I just need hope. I need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay.
Okay, some other things about me! I am an artist, and I use art to distract me from my problems. I say to a lot of people, "I don't want to be like Van Gogh!" Yeah, I'd like to be as brilliant as him, but I don't want to live the "tortured artist" stereotype. It's naff. A lot of people create better when they're happy and calm, and I am one of them.
At the moment my focus is landscapes. Usually I'm into portraiture, but I find the lack of intimacy with people that's involved with landscapes, the purity of the scene and textures and colours outside the human interaction, helps with my anxiety.
I have a cat that helps me with my mood, her name is Rogue, and she is hilarious. I also have a new nephew, Leon. He is the most perfect little bub I have seen in years. I look forward to having my own child one day. I want to get better so that that can be a reality.
Cheers,
Amaryllis_Celladine.
ETA: Sorry, forgot to say my meds. I am on 20mg Lovan (fluoxetine), 10mg Endep (for migraines) and 15mg of Mirtazapine. That last one is a new addition. It has helped a lot. I am also getting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy from a clin-psych, and I lift weights and go for walks as well.
I was reluctant in posting here, mainly because I felt like doing so meant that my other treatments weren't working or that I was desperate, but I think an important part of my recovery in my latest breakdown is to understand I'm not alone in how I'm feeling, so I am here, because I feel it is the right thing to do.
I am a sexual assault survivor. It happened 6 years ago but I still get triggered by it sometimes. In the past few months, my anxiety has been getting worse and worse. It started with my old cat, Lennon, becoming ill and it turning out he had a bad liver, and that he was on the slow path to the rainbow bridge, as it were. In 2011, my nephew died, and that was very traumatic as it was a long, slow illness before he died (he had cerebral palsy, and his lungs were bad, and then he had a very bad seizure - it was tough). My aunt was also very sick for the past few years. She died just a month ago, and it's been tough going ever since.
I had this frantic need to change my life. I had a breakdown and sent myself to the ER of the local hospital. They didn't think I was bad enough to stay in, and my family, my wonderful family, agreed. They have been looking after me.
Every day is a struggle. New worries come and go. One day it's the cat. Another day it's my father (he's 73). Today it's anxiety that my relationship with my boyfriend isn't working (it's fine, we're both very happy, the anxiety is creating problems that aren't there). It was so bad I was triggered when we were making out. I told myself that it's normal for assault survivors to be funny about intimacy. I have been cleaning my bedroom lately, and it's the first time it's been clean since I was assaulted in there, and I think it's surfacing a lot of uncomfortable feelings. My boyfriend is very understanding, thank God. I feel calm and okay with him, and I know that I can trust in love to help me through.
I just wish this anxiety would pass. I know I am rushing myself. I was only in the ER with the breakdown a week and a half ago. Recovery from this sort of thing takes months. Sometimes I just get so tired of being in pain and being afraid all the time.
I'll hold on, I know I will, as I survived assault, I survived coming out to my family, I survived losing my Grandma at 16. I survived a lot of hard things. Sometimes, I just need hope. I need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay.
Okay, some other things about me! I am an artist, and I use art to distract me from my problems. I say to a lot of people, "I don't want to be like Van Gogh!" Yeah, I'd like to be as brilliant as him, but I don't want to live the "tortured artist" stereotype. It's naff. A lot of people create better when they're happy and calm, and I am one of them.
At the moment my focus is landscapes. Usually I'm into portraiture, but I find the lack of intimacy with people that's involved with landscapes, the purity of the scene and textures and colours outside the human interaction, helps with my anxiety.
I have a cat that helps me with my mood, her name is Rogue, and she is hilarious. I also have a new nephew, Leon. He is the most perfect little bub I have seen in years. I look forward to having my own child one day. I want to get better so that that can be a reality.
Cheers,
Amaryllis_Celladine.
ETA: Sorry, forgot to say my meds. I am on 20mg Lovan (fluoxetine), 10mg Endep (for migraines) and 15mg of Mirtazapine. That last one is a new addition. It has helped a lot. I am also getting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy from a clin-psych, and I lift weights and go for walks as well.