MrsStobe13
04-06-13, 00:51
Hey folks,
Just had to post as my anxiety has gone from bad to worse but first I must share the good news..I have been a wife now for just over 2 weeks and love every moment of it! :-D
Now, back to why I'm here :-( sadly my intrusive thoughts have kind of got worse since the wedding. I've had a variety of common intrusive thoughts coupled with post wedding questions, I think my thought processes have generally been something like:
"Am I sure this is what I want for me?"
"What if we don't last?"
"What if I get annoyed with him and stab him?"
"What if I stab someone else?"
"What if I get really depressed and kill myself?"
"What if one of my family members die?"
"What if I kill a family member?"
So as you can see..I've been sort of driving myself in circles. Don't get me wrong, the wedding went far from smoothly but I loved the ceremony. I'm not really a centre stage person but I loved every minute of it. The reception wasn't so good but I still didn't have any bad thoughts. In fact, on our wedding day, a day most people expected me to be fainting at the very idea of getting hitched- I was surprisingly calm!
For some reason though, everytime I look at our wedding cake or a picture of it I am getting horrible violent urges towards my Mum or thoughts of horrid things happening to her. My Mum worked flat out to make our wedding cake and the end result was beautiful and delicious. The flowers from it have been carefully preserved and the remaining cake has been sent up to me to send pieces to the people who could not make it. Before the wedding I got very upset about having to stick a knife into my Mum's hard work, now it's all over I've had thoughts about attacking her. Even writing this I can feel the tears prickling in my eyes. Something in my mind is sure my Mum did me an injustice and wants to harm her, but I know she didn't. I feel like I need a seriously damn good cry but life never finds time for it. I know so many people love me and want to be around me, and I love and want to be around them but I've been to afraid to reach out in case I lash out at someone. At times I feel like a wild animal, dangerous and out of control.
I've not long got back from a fortnight in Devon on honeymoon and for some of it, it was amazingly relaxing. I'm normally a stressed out busy body who's mad about getting everything done. I made time to sit by the sea at Dawlish and just listen to the waves and relax at Teignmouth, it really helped me and a clear mind was just soo soothing. Now I'm back to reality I've been pacing the room trying to find a starting point to everything. I need to get our marriage certificate copied and sent off to various bodies, send the original to the DVLA, send out a tonne of letters and thankyou cards, sell 5 crates of bits from the wedding..
I also started getting suicidal ideas on honeymoon and I could not stop thinking about them. Everytime I stood on a train platform I thought about jumping in front of a moving train. It's not like I want to die, it's not like I want to kill myself..the thought was just, there. Each and everytime I saw a train come along I thought about it, contemplated it, then weirdly grasped the bench or pushed myself to the floor, or simply stood there, frozen. On the way home I insisted on going in the waiting room to wait for our train, I physically could not be on the platform. it's bad and I'm ashamed of myself now for giving into these stupid thoughts, but at the time I felt so sure I might do it :-(
My thoughts aren't just the violent thoughts, either. I obsess over the fact I might do something someday. My Nan had Altzheimer's so I worry about losing my mind and doing something bad. I also obsess over the fact I think I might secretly be a serial killer, I might actually want to kill someone and that I'm a bad, evil person. I tell myself that I'm sick and disgusting and that my family and husband have done nothing wrong to deserve to be killed. I make myself think about all the happy times I've had with them and ask myself why I want to end them all by killing them. Again, normally it makes me really upset but I'm beginning to avoid spending time with loved ones in case I hurt them. Last time I avoided time with someone they died while I wasn't there and I never got to say goodbye. To this day, I regret my decision not to make more time for them.
Frankly, I just don't know how to cope. I do realise that my mini-pill has had some effect on me but I'm at risk to be on the combined pill. I used to take Cerazette but this gave me severe violent thoughts like everyone had wronged me. The thoughts now are almost like a "just because I can" but I can normally push them aside. Since swapping to a different pill (Noriday, for those familiar with them) my moods have improved but I've had a very irregular cycle, which has resulted in PMS and consequent rare but powerful violent thoughts, followed by outbursts of torrential crying.
I've probably got other stresses too. At the moment we both only have £300 between us. I have a lot of junk to sell on Ebay from the wedding but it will all take time. Our flat is looking less than impressive and that always effects my mood. I also want to redecorate as the murky brown walls feel dire and old but without the money we simply can't afford to.
I'm not currently on any medication for these thoughts. I did speak to my GP about them previously but he said they seemed to be hormonal and put me on a "less androgenic" mini-pill. Whether this has worked the way he hoped I'm not entirely sure. He changed my pill 4 days before the wedding so it's really hard for me to say whether it's made a change to my mood. A huge chunk of me is/was so terrified by the thoughts that I sort of willed them to stay. I also developed a cough/cold 2 weeks ago and I still have bouts of a chesty cough, my anxiety always goes through the room when I'm not well. I do use Rescue Remedy pastilles though I sort of will myself not to use them. Again, something in my mind sees using the pastilles as sort of a compulsion. I get an intrusive thought, I start chewing a pastille, eventually the thought gets easier and I stop using them. A few hours later I get another thought and chew another one and so the cycle continues until the only relief I get from the intrusive thoughts is RR pastilles.
I have had a 3 year old lad running riot in a post-wedding flat today so I think I may also be very tired. I'm also quite gutted as try as I might to lose weight before the wedding I still weighed in at 18st. I've been scaring myself even more as I'm well aware that's a huge size to be and the health consequences of being so big. Everytime I eat something I wonder to myself if it may later trigger a heart attack, just another anxious thought to add to my list!
Has anyone got any advice? I'm not sure whether therapy would help me as my thoughts vary so much day by day. First thing in the morning when I wake up bright and refreshed I'm absolutely superb and I can go all day thought-free or ignoring those pesky thoughts. Come about 6pm though when I'm tired I start getting them, then I stay up obsessing over them and make myself worse. If I've had a bad night, it's cold and murky or I'm ill they're much worse, but given none of these variables constantly happens I'm really not sure what to do!
Thanks all for reading and sorry for the long post, it does help to post what I'm going through in the hope that someone somewhere understands, even if just a little!
MrsStobe13 x
Just had to post as my anxiety has gone from bad to worse but first I must share the good news..I have been a wife now for just over 2 weeks and love every moment of it! :-D
Now, back to why I'm here :-( sadly my intrusive thoughts have kind of got worse since the wedding. I've had a variety of common intrusive thoughts coupled with post wedding questions, I think my thought processes have generally been something like:
"Am I sure this is what I want for me?"
"What if we don't last?"
"What if I get annoyed with him and stab him?"
"What if I stab someone else?"
"What if I get really depressed and kill myself?"
"What if one of my family members die?"
"What if I kill a family member?"
So as you can see..I've been sort of driving myself in circles. Don't get me wrong, the wedding went far from smoothly but I loved the ceremony. I'm not really a centre stage person but I loved every minute of it. The reception wasn't so good but I still didn't have any bad thoughts. In fact, on our wedding day, a day most people expected me to be fainting at the very idea of getting hitched- I was surprisingly calm!
For some reason though, everytime I look at our wedding cake or a picture of it I am getting horrible violent urges towards my Mum or thoughts of horrid things happening to her. My Mum worked flat out to make our wedding cake and the end result was beautiful and delicious. The flowers from it have been carefully preserved and the remaining cake has been sent up to me to send pieces to the people who could not make it. Before the wedding I got very upset about having to stick a knife into my Mum's hard work, now it's all over I've had thoughts about attacking her. Even writing this I can feel the tears prickling in my eyes. Something in my mind is sure my Mum did me an injustice and wants to harm her, but I know she didn't. I feel like I need a seriously damn good cry but life never finds time for it. I know so many people love me and want to be around me, and I love and want to be around them but I've been to afraid to reach out in case I lash out at someone. At times I feel like a wild animal, dangerous and out of control.
I've not long got back from a fortnight in Devon on honeymoon and for some of it, it was amazingly relaxing. I'm normally a stressed out busy body who's mad about getting everything done. I made time to sit by the sea at Dawlish and just listen to the waves and relax at Teignmouth, it really helped me and a clear mind was just soo soothing. Now I'm back to reality I've been pacing the room trying to find a starting point to everything. I need to get our marriage certificate copied and sent off to various bodies, send the original to the DVLA, send out a tonne of letters and thankyou cards, sell 5 crates of bits from the wedding..
I also started getting suicidal ideas on honeymoon and I could not stop thinking about them. Everytime I stood on a train platform I thought about jumping in front of a moving train. It's not like I want to die, it's not like I want to kill myself..the thought was just, there. Each and everytime I saw a train come along I thought about it, contemplated it, then weirdly grasped the bench or pushed myself to the floor, or simply stood there, frozen. On the way home I insisted on going in the waiting room to wait for our train, I physically could not be on the platform. it's bad and I'm ashamed of myself now for giving into these stupid thoughts, but at the time I felt so sure I might do it :-(
My thoughts aren't just the violent thoughts, either. I obsess over the fact I might do something someday. My Nan had Altzheimer's so I worry about losing my mind and doing something bad. I also obsess over the fact I think I might secretly be a serial killer, I might actually want to kill someone and that I'm a bad, evil person. I tell myself that I'm sick and disgusting and that my family and husband have done nothing wrong to deserve to be killed. I make myself think about all the happy times I've had with them and ask myself why I want to end them all by killing them. Again, normally it makes me really upset but I'm beginning to avoid spending time with loved ones in case I hurt them. Last time I avoided time with someone they died while I wasn't there and I never got to say goodbye. To this day, I regret my decision not to make more time for them.
Frankly, I just don't know how to cope. I do realise that my mini-pill has had some effect on me but I'm at risk to be on the combined pill. I used to take Cerazette but this gave me severe violent thoughts like everyone had wronged me. The thoughts now are almost like a "just because I can" but I can normally push them aside. Since swapping to a different pill (Noriday, for those familiar with them) my moods have improved but I've had a very irregular cycle, which has resulted in PMS and consequent rare but powerful violent thoughts, followed by outbursts of torrential crying.
I've probably got other stresses too. At the moment we both only have £300 between us. I have a lot of junk to sell on Ebay from the wedding but it will all take time. Our flat is looking less than impressive and that always effects my mood. I also want to redecorate as the murky brown walls feel dire and old but without the money we simply can't afford to.
I'm not currently on any medication for these thoughts. I did speak to my GP about them previously but he said they seemed to be hormonal and put me on a "less androgenic" mini-pill. Whether this has worked the way he hoped I'm not entirely sure. He changed my pill 4 days before the wedding so it's really hard for me to say whether it's made a change to my mood. A huge chunk of me is/was so terrified by the thoughts that I sort of willed them to stay. I also developed a cough/cold 2 weeks ago and I still have bouts of a chesty cough, my anxiety always goes through the room when I'm not well. I do use Rescue Remedy pastilles though I sort of will myself not to use them. Again, something in my mind sees using the pastilles as sort of a compulsion. I get an intrusive thought, I start chewing a pastille, eventually the thought gets easier and I stop using them. A few hours later I get another thought and chew another one and so the cycle continues until the only relief I get from the intrusive thoughts is RR pastilles.
I have had a 3 year old lad running riot in a post-wedding flat today so I think I may also be very tired. I'm also quite gutted as try as I might to lose weight before the wedding I still weighed in at 18st. I've been scaring myself even more as I'm well aware that's a huge size to be and the health consequences of being so big. Everytime I eat something I wonder to myself if it may later trigger a heart attack, just another anxious thought to add to my list!
Has anyone got any advice? I'm not sure whether therapy would help me as my thoughts vary so much day by day. First thing in the morning when I wake up bright and refreshed I'm absolutely superb and I can go all day thought-free or ignoring those pesky thoughts. Come about 6pm though when I'm tired I start getting them, then I stay up obsessing over them and make myself worse. If I've had a bad night, it's cold and murky or I'm ill they're much worse, but given none of these variables constantly happens I'm really not sure what to do!
Thanks all for reading and sorry for the long post, it does help to post what I'm going through in the hope that someone somewhere understands, even if just a little!
MrsStobe13 x