dskt
04-06-13, 05:08
Hello all :)
First of all I'd like to thank everyone here for making me feel less alone and stuck in my head. After quite a bad wave of anxiety tonight, I spent the past few hours reading many of your posts, and it has def. tranquillized me.
I've therefore decided to share my story, mainly to get some feedback and offer my support to anyone who needs it, but also just to get it all out.
Let us start from the beginning. I had my first panic attack about 9 months ago, but I was unable to realise it was in fact panic because (and please dont judge me!) I was on MDMA when it happened. I thought I was having a really bad trip and, after 8 terrible hours, I managed to come down, get some sleep, and woke up the next day swearing I would never take exctasy again. About a month later, I had my second attack. I had a talk with a friend about my family situation (which has been the source of my clinical depression for several years) and the symptoms appeared (increased heartbeat, hyperventilation, numbness, feeling of imminent death etc). Unable to understand what was happening nor to calm myself down, I called an ambulance. I was lucky enough to be helped by a team that explained to me exactly what was happening and why, and I ended up in bed after a few hours, drained but at peace. The next few days were characterized by the fear of having another attack, but as it did not occur, my anxiety eventually disappeared. Until about a month ago. I guess I have to say that it has been a period of changes: I went through a very tough break-up with someone who was quite literally my only support system (and towards whom I even developed separation anxiety without knowing it), had to take my final exams, was about to finish university, had to plan my move out of the UK as well as my 'next steps' in life, and my mother was diagnosed with an illness. I did not anticipate the impact that these things would have on me, and before I could realise I was anxious, here I was again, having the scariest attack I could have possibly imagined. The weeks between that evening and today have been torture. I constantly battle in my head with anxious feelings. I have developed the habit of checking my body for symptoms on a systematic basis. I am now at the point where I feel like I'm on the edge of psychosis, that if I just let my guard down I would go mad. I am also extremely anxious about my physical health. I have the whole shabang of symptoms, from derealization to numbness in my fingers to visual snow... Everything. I know, I am a textbook anxiety patient.
My main problem at this point (although I guess 'current obsession' would be a better suited term) is that I am terrified of having inflicted these symptoms upon myself through the use of recreational drugs. I am literally super scared of having caused some sort of brain damage that is beginning to manifest itself as anxiety and will soon turn into something a lot worse, such as pure delirium. I am sure I don't need to explain to any of you the mental cycles and thought processes that this causes... and I don't know how to break them. So here I am, looking for some guidance and hopefully some reassuring words.
I am sorry if this was too lenghty of a post. I wish you all the best & thank you for taking the time to read me!
First of all I'd like to thank everyone here for making me feel less alone and stuck in my head. After quite a bad wave of anxiety tonight, I spent the past few hours reading many of your posts, and it has def. tranquillized me.
I've therefore decided to share my story, mainly to get some feedback and offer my support to anyone who needs it, but also just to get it all out.
Let us start from the beginning. I had my first panic attack about 9 months ago, but I was unable to realise it was in fact panic because (and please dont judge me!) I was on MDMA when it happened. I thought I was having a really bad trip and, after 8 terrible hours, I managed to come down, get some sleep, and woke up the next day swearing I would never take exctasy again. About a month later, I had my second attack. I had a talk with a friend about my family situation (which has been the source of my clinical depression for several years) and the symptoms appeared (increased heartbeat, hyperventilation, numbness, feeling of imminent death etc). Unable to understand what was happening nor to calm myself down, I called an ambulance. I was lucky enough to be helped by a team that explained to me exactly what was happening and why, and I ended up in bed after a few hours, drained but at peace. The next few days were characterized by the fear of having another attack, but as it did not occur, my anxiety eventually disappeared. Until about a month ago. I guess I have to say that it has been a period of changes: I went through a very tough break-up with someone who was quite literally my only support system (and towards whom I even developed separation anxiety without knowing it), had to take my final exams, was about to finish university, had to plan my move out of the UK as well as my 'next steps' in life, and my mother was diagnosed with an illness. I did not anticipate the impact that these things would have on me, and before I could realise I was anxious, here I was again, having the scariest attack I could have possibly imagined. The weeks between that evening and today have been torture. I constantly battle in my head with anxious feelings. I have developed the habit of checking my body for symptoms on a systematic basis. I am now at the point where I feel like I'm on the edge of psychosis, that if I just let my guard down I would go mad. I am also extremely anxious about my physical health. I have the whole shabang of symptoms, from derealization to numbness in my fingers to visual snow... Everything. I know, I am a textbook anxiety patient.
My main problem at this point (although I guess 'current obsession' would be a better suited term) is that I am terrified of having inflicted these symptoms upon myself through the use of recreational drugs. I am literally super scared of having caused some sort of brain damage that is beginning to manifest itself as anxiety and will soon turn into something a lot worse, such as pure delirium. I am sure I don't need to explain to any of you the mental cycles and thought processes that this causes... and I don't know how to break them. So here I am, looking for some guidance and hopefully some reassuring words.
I am sorry if this was too lenghty of a post. I wish you all the best & thank you for taking the time to read me!