Online Dating

[theharvestmouse]

Has anyone else had any experience of online dating, I've been on a few dates recently but on 2 occasions I have wanted to see the girl again but they've said I was a nice and interesting guy but there was no chemistry. So what happened to personality being important? What happened to falling in love over time?

I'm a decent looking bloke and in good shape, but I just don't seem to be an alpha male and women seem to pick up on that.

I've only been on 4 dates so far in the past month, my sister said to not give up but this latest rejection has really hit me hard, I thought I was ready for this and able to take it but I'm now worried that if this happens a lot more that it will make me want to give up on life completely.

My anxiety has actually not been a big problem, I'm proud that I have managed to actually go on dates but it doesn't make the rejection thing any easier. Someone said to me it could take 100 dates before you meet the right person, or take years, I said to them I will have killed myself before that point because I can't bear this feeling I have right now.

I suppose I'm looking to hear from others who have been through this or any crumb of comfort that there is.

[Steve37]

Has anyone else had any experience of online dating, I've been on a few dates recently but on 2 occasions I have wanted to see the girl again but they've said I was a nice and interesting guy but there was no chemistry. So what happened to personality being important? What happened to falling in love over time?

I'm a decent looking bloke and in good shape, but I just don't seem to be an alpha male and women seem to pick up on that.

I've only been on 4 dates so far in the past month, my sister said to not give up but this latest rejection has really hit me hard, I thought I was ready for this and able to take it but I'm now worried that if this happens a lot more that it will make me want to give up on life completely.

My anxiety has actually not been a big problem, I'm proud that I have managed to actually go on dates but it doesn't make the rejection thing any easier. Someone said to me it could take 100 dates before you meet the right person, or take years, I said to them I will have killed myself before that point because I can't bear this feeling I have right now.

I suppose I'm looking to hear from others who have been through this or any crumb of comfort that there is.

That's four more than me lol:D
Seriously though, i'm honest about about my GAD, agoraphobia and OCD, but that seems to put them off!

[Rennie1989]

I met my soon to be husband online. It does work :)

If she said there was no chemistry then I'm sure there wouldn't have been later on. Be glad it ended there and then. She could have been cruel and carried the dating out longer if she didn't feel anything towards you. Instead move on and move forwards. Just because a girl doesn't find you boyfriend material to them doesn't mean you won't be boyfriend material to anyone else.

I know feeling lonely sucks, I've been there, but would you rather be with someone for the sake of being in a relationship (thus not feeling any attachment or connection towards each other) which will make you feel rubbish, or wait until the right person comes by?

[Corona89]

Just keep doing it. Fair play to you, 4 dates in a month doesn't sound too bad does it! I've not asked anyone out in about 3 years.

[theharvestmouse]

I met my soon to be husband online. It does work :)

If she said there was no chemistry then I'm sure there wouldn't have been later on. Be glad it ended there and then. She could have been cruel and carried the dating out longer if she didn't feel anything towards you. Instead move on and move forwards. Just because a girl doesn't find you boyfriend material to them doesn't mean you won't be boyfriend material to anyone else.

I know feeling lonely sucks, I've been there, but would you rather be with someone for the sake of being in a relationship (thus not feeling any attachment or connection towards each other) which will make you feel rubbish, or wait until the right person comes by?

I hate the lonliness, but I want to be with someone who wants me for me and who I feel the same way for, not just anyone. I am going to keep going, I have more dates lined up so surely if I keep on then I will meet someone who does think I'm right for them.

[Stormsky]

I met my hubby through an add in the paper...that was 12 yrs ago now!

[AuntieMoosie]

I think the important thing to do is not be desperate to meet someone :)

Perhaps it would be better if you concentrated on your loneliness and tried to fill the void in your life a little bit :)

I'm not lecturing, hope not anyway, just trying to offer some advice :)

The thing is, if we're really lonely, we then become desperate and the danger of that is that you will find you will cling to everyone you meet, whether they're right for you or not, because you just want to fill that void in your life :)

Perhaps start a hobby and try and get out and about, if you can, and meet and make friends, you then wont feel so lonely so that when you go dating you wont feel that desperation and you will go and seek the right person for you for the right reasons, hope I'm making sense here, cos I'm a wee bit confuddled meself :winks

A few good years ago, I joined a dating agency, was damned expensive too, but although I have to say I had a laugh along the way, I never met anyone through that agency and ironically, I met my now partner of 10 years totally by chance and not through the agency :doh:

The funny thing was, the one's that I kind of liked, didn't feel the same about me, and the one's that liked me, I didn't feel the same about them:unsure:

So just take it easy, try and keep an open mind about it, don't think "relationship" as soon as you first date someone, just think of it as a chance to make a new friend and see how it goes. By the way, I understand completely what you're saying about folks not giving it a chance, that's what happens in the dating game though, it's all focussed on that first meeting rather than just meeting someone and seeing what happens:)

I wish you the very best of luck in your adventures, but just relax, enjoy it, have fun and try doing other things that don't involve "dating" you never know where Miss Right might be :)

[theharvestmouse]

Thanks for the advice, but I do have quite a busy life outside of dating, you can be very busy and have lots of friends but still be lonely. I have lots of hobbies, and they make who I am as a person, but there is a void in my life, maybe some people don't care about being with someone but for me its something I want more than anything. If you don't go out there looking then its never going to happen.

[tricia56]

hi im female 57 probly past it now lol and been single for 7yrs and i too am lonely and would love some one in mylife but i dont go out anyware to meet any one and because of my anxiety i dont think any one would want me anyhow

[Cyberchondriac]

theharvestmouse - Oh I've been in exactly the same position. If I went back 5 years I could have written exactly the same message as you. I used sites like match.com and Plenty of Fish (if that's still around!) and dated a few people who drifted into my life in one way or another. None of it really meant anything though and it frustrated me. I felt that I had a lot of love to give but none of the people I dated were really bothered. This made me very anxious and paranoid that something about me was wrong. So I pretty much gave up. I really stopped giving a shit and concentrated on other things.

I remember I got an e-mail out of the blue from a friend one evening, saying that his Japanese wife had made a new Japanese friend and would I like to join them for dinner? In all honestly I couldn't be bothered as I had too much stuff to do that day! But I forced myself to go out and - four years later I am getting married to this lady, in October.

Its such a cliche but its totally true that 'love appears when you least expect it'. Keep your chin up, don't worry about dates and just be yourself. If your dates don't like that then they're not worth bothering with.

[theharvestmouse]

Thanks Cyber, how many dates did you go on?, I've realised that I'm going to have to go on a lot of dates to give it a fair go, I have a few more lined up and maybe will go with a different attitude, more like I am not expecting anything to come of it.

[Cyberchondriac]

tricia56 - "probably past it"?! Don't be so silly! :) A good friend of mine over 10 years older than yourself has just found a new love, after his first wife passed away. You just need to get out there. If there's something you like doing, see if there are any clubs or societies in your area. As for your anxiety, it may be a part of you... but don't let it define you. You are Tricia. You are not Anxious.

---------- Post added at 20:30 ---------- Previous post was at 19:45 ----------

theharvestmouse - It was a while back but it must've been around 10-15 in total. Some dates were abysmal (even after having a lot in common online) and some were great. But in the long term nothing really happened.

Just relax, take a step back and really it's YOU who needs to be the one that's picky about it! I've got a mate who's a model - goes on plenty of dates but he never gets anywhere with them. Reason is, he's too into them from the start. Once you back off a bit (not completely, just a few steps will do!) the ones who really matter will start to appear.

[theharvestmouse]

It's seems so complicated to me, your model mate is too into them from the start, what do you mean? How do I back off a bit? I get so confused about what I should and what I shouldn't be doing, I get your point about me being the one who should be thinking are they good enough for me.

My sister said I should not be too open too soon and leave people wanting to know more about me rather than trying too hard on the first date.

[Tessar]

I know the loveliest couple ever. They have been married a few years and have a couple of children, they met online. Amazingly, things weren't going great for my friend but then she met her hubby to be for the first time and that was it, the rest as they say is history...... Never give up people. I agree too it's best not to try looking too hard. I found my partner when she had been sitting under my nose for two years. We had no chemistry but then as our friendship grew,, I dunno, after all that time we just hit it off, that was nearly 2 decades ago now. So don't ever give up hope. Sometimes these things just have a habit of happening when we least expect it. I wasn't actively,looking for a relationship. It just happened. Also yes I was alone, but because I kept busy with hobbies I wasn't lonely.

[theharvestmouse]

That's nice Tessa, I do think it can sometimes take time for things to happen, or there is sometimes is a quirk of fate that just happens.

Can I just say that its possible to be lonely when you have lots of friends, and are a busy person, it can be a misconception that if you surround yourself with people and keep busy that you won't feel lonely, it can be deep within you. When I go to bed every night I feel lonely, I wake up alone and feel lonely.

[Tessar]

oh harvestmouse, i'm sorry you feel so lonely. you are right though it's very possible to feel lonely even when surrounded by people. i've been in rooms full of people and felt lonely. its usually been when i am feeling very depressed. i went through a very bad period last year & despite having a long-term relationship which was very steady, even when i was with my partner i felt lonely at times. or maybe it was that i needed someone to really understand me. NMP has helped me enormously in that respect. its true we arent alone when our online friends are here for us but of course that isnt the same as having a close loved one of our own. i hope it works out for you because from what i've read in your posts you are lovely. you deserve and certainly are worthy of love. i pass my love to you and am going to send positive vibes in your direction in terms of finding your special fish in the sea.

[theharvestmouse]

Thanks Tessa, lovely thing to say, I'm just not going to give up. :)

[Tessar]

Too right. U stick at it.

[PandaBoy]

I use online dating all the time. I don’t get much success though but I still get some. I think the best way is to go to a really populated site and test your luck there. But I would be cautious of dating some of these girls though. Some of them just seem crazy to me so when I get someone, I usually just hit it a couple times and move on.

[starlight78]

Hi Harvestmouse,

I met my lovely husband through online dating and we are expecting our first baby :)

I have to be honest, I didn't take it too seriously and saw it as an opportunity to meet people and have fun. I met several really lovely men, who were handsome and interesting but I didn't feel that it would go further. I guess that's the difference with online dating. You don't get to know them over time and therefore probably do miss out on a gem.

When I met my husband on that first date I was completely smitten. He was quirky, hairy, unusual, fascinating and perfect for me... Still is :)

Keep going as it is a good way to meet people and have fun. You will meet the one for you! X

[amaryllis_celladine]

Hey Harvestmouse,

First of all, there's a lie you've swallowed that the world touts as a truth, and you have to throw it away. It's as damaging as all the unhelpful thinking ideas that we use against ourselves that we learn in CBT.

That "alpha male" stuff? All bunkum. It's based on faulty research. Wolf packs are complex social groups and they don't have an "alpha" as it were. It was based on the unusual behaviour of captive, stressed-out wolves. More importantly, and keep this close, WE ARE NOT WOLVES. :) You do NOT have to be an "alpha male" to get a partner.

The second and most important thing is that you really, really need to be yourself. Take care of yourself, be happy with yourself, and be yourself. I know that seems trite, and cliché, but it's the truth.

I was 31 before I found the man I truly love. I had been on countless dates, and had only had very short relationships before that point that were disastrous. I was very depressed, very unhappy, and didn't like my life much at all at the time. But I kept at it, kept active, and it came along when it was meant to come along. I met him online, and he loves me for who I am. I'm not worrying about being the right kind of woman, or any of that stuff. On the date I felt relaxed, cause I could be myself around him, and it worked out.

I honestly didn't believe in love at that point, and started to seriously wonder if it was a myth that people bought into to be happy. I am so glad life proved me wrong!

I hope you find happiness, and I know what that loneliness feels like. It can be quite terrible. You are doing the right thing being open about your anxiety issues, but try not to make it the first thing you tell a person. You are not your illness - give your spirit a chance to take the front seat in the situation.

All the best, and I hope you find what you are looking for. You have more dates than I ever did, and I found someone! :)

[theharvestmouse]

Thanks for a really nice post amaryllis, lots of helpful advice there. :)

[theharvestmouse]

7th date I have been on, and yet again no 2nd date, just one girl who wants to be friends. I feel like I could go on 100 dates and they would all go the same way. I be myself, I am told I'm interesting, yet its always the same.

[BobbyDog]

How do you all get these dates, I joined a dating website, and have been honest about myself and my anxiety, haven't had one email yet, let alone a date, what am I doing wrong? I have made it quite clear that initially I am only looking for friendship. how do you do it????
sarah.x

[theharvestmouse]

I wouldn't mention your anxiety at all on your profile, I wouldn't mention looking for friendship either as that will put off people. These are both things you can mention when you meet people and if you feel the time is right to talk about them. Good luck!