I really thought I was getting somewhere

[lass]

I have been feeling so much better lately, and have been posting my progress, feeling very pleased with myself that I seem to be getting through this. Then suddenly I am feeling back where I started and I really don't know why. Over the last few days I have felt my mood sinking lower. I want to snap out of it, I've been organising myself lots of nice things to look forward to, but I just feel completely on the floor. I am suddenly scared to arrange anything more than a few weeks away, or make any longer term decisions, as I have this horrible fear that I won't be here:(.

I feel really on my own now, I think everyone around me must be sick of me moaning and crying. I saw my counsellor last week but she is now on holiday so it is a month before I can see her again. I am trying not to go back to my GP because I think the only thing she can offer me is anti depressents and I don't want to go down this route - mainly because I have briefly tried 2 types and hated the way I feel on them, but also because I know I have got through this before so I must be able to do it again.

What's getting me down most is the palpitations - which even when I have been feeling great, still continue to plague me, plus dizziness, extreme tiredness, low mood, constant bad thoughts, feeling like I'm not really "here", struggling to get my eyes to focus, staring into space.

I have stopped my vitamin B complex a couple of days ago as I wondered if these were causing the palpitations. I think the palpitations have improved slightly in their intensity and frequency, but my mood is definitely getting lower. So now I don't whether to stay off them for a few more days and see what happens, or start taking again and see if my mood improves.

I had reiki yesterday, which usually is wonderful, but I came out feeling much worse than when I went in. I wonder if maybe it has drawn stuff out that was lurking below the surface.

I can only think this is relating somehow to the death of my friend 2 weeks ago, after a long and horrible illness - however I am completely horrified at myself that I don't feel as though I am grieving for her, but am so self obsessed and terrified it will happen to me. That's not something I can explain to anyone I know, as I think it makes me a completely selfish bitch, but as I don't "know" you lot so to speak, hopefully you won't judge me.

Any advice or reassurance would be appreciated.

Thanks

[Lynnann]

Hi there,

I think this is definately related to the death of your friend. We all deal with death in different ways!

I don't think you are being selfish I think you are identifying with her! Try writiing down the things that are bothering you in a list then answer the list from your heart. Helps me sometimes don't know if it will work for you!

Might organise your thoughts until you can see your counsellor!

In the meantime be kind to yourself!!

Hugs to you

Lynnann

[Piglet]

It sounds to me like your general anxiety levels are up and it's not hard to see why.

We can be very affected by stuff going on around us without sometimes realising it. Of course you are affected by what has happened to your friend and this can be on many different levels, at the moment it is on the level of fear of it happening to you - this is completely understandable and a feeling I think we all feel.

I was just the same when a neigbour over the road passed away - we didnt even know each other that well but he had been my neighbour for 18 years! People passing away always reminds us of our own mortality.

Give yourself some time hun to grieve on all the different levels and try and understand yourself as you do. Give yourself a bit of a squeeze and don't be hard on yourself.

Regarding the palpitations - these always come in fits and starts with me but if they still bother you once you feel less anxious you could consider beta blockers!

Love Piglet x

[yorkylover]

Hi there you are going through a bad patch at the moment.You are certainly not selfish.Anxiety is horrible and affects us in many ways,and so does grief.You have lost a friend and your anxiety has raised its ugly head again,because of the way they died you have probably fixed this in your mind.We all grieve in different ways and you are coping in the best way you can.Please dont think your selfish.
Seeing your gp may help,just to off load may help you.
Take care

Ellen XX

[**whenwillthisend**]

hi there.....you know, you have to give yourself time to get over your friend passing away...i think it is this that has triggered your anxiety to rear itself again, and for you to worry about dying too.

Please dont be hard on yourself-you were doing so well..and you can continue to do well too...i too have a lot of your symptoms on a daily basis, and i also can relate to your thoughts of not planning too far ahead, because of the fear i wont be here.......i know it feels like we are on our own-often families are not that understanding because they just dont understand what we are going through........but everyone here does-so you are not on your own

i stopped taking the b vits-im sure they made my heart race even more-but saying that these last few weeks i have had horrible palpitations so who knows, you could go back on them for a few days or have you considered a lower dosage?

take care, i hope you feel better soonx

[lass]

Thanks everyone for your comments, I do feel a bit better and not so alone. I had a good cry reading them, and I think this has helped me too, as I've felt since my friend's death that I haven't really had a good blub (which is very unlike me) so maybe it all just needed to come out.

Piglet, regarding the Beta Blockers, I'm not sure they will be appropriate for me as I also have pretty low blood pressure. I've always had low blood pressure but I wondered lately if it were high because of the way I was feeling (pressure in my head, like I've been hanging upside down for too long!), dizziness, etc. My friendh as a blood pressure monitor so we tested the other day - in one arm I was normal but on the borders of low, and on the other arm I was a definite low reading. Which I know is not a problem - but I just wondered if beta blockers could still be used on me as I thought they lowered BP too? Does anyone know?

Thanks again
xx

[Piglet]

Ooh I wouldn't like to say hun - question for someone bit more medical than me.

So glad you had a cry - that's exactly what tears are for!

Big hug.

Piglet xx

[hayles]

Just wanted to say that you are not alone.
I feel like i have been beating it too.
But the past fortnight has floored me and i feel like i am back where i started.

Cant stop crying, feel alone and like what if i am loosing the plot???

I know this doesnt help, but just wanted to let you know your not going it alone!!!!

Hay x

[anxious]

Hiya,

you must be making progress or you couldn't have 'setbacks'. I am not surprised you are feeling down at the moment, grief can take a long time to come out and effects everyone differently.
When i lost my partner a few years ago to a horrible disease, I actually asked my doctor if it was possible 'to catch it' - eventhough i knew the answer was no. I was so terrified of going through what he did.
I take vit b's, evening primrose and Kalms. Have you every tried anything like that? I do find they take the edge off.
Glad you had a cry, let it go hun

anx x

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects

[lass]

Thanks for the support, it really helps.

I've been taking vitamin B up until about 2 days ago (stopped to see if it made any effect on palpitations), plus evening primrose and St Johns Wort.

I hate it that I'm being so irritable again too, my poor kids don't know if they are coming or going.

I'm back with that feeling of "am I going to be fighting this for the rest of my life". I just hate the thought of feeling like this forever, it's no fun. But I know I will have better days, because I've had them before, just need to let off steam on here I guess!

[spuds]

Just wanted to add my support. I was just the same as this; couldn't look more than a few weeks ahead because I didn't expect to be here, felt detached from what was going on. Every news story about illness or death made me think it was going to happen to me soon. I couldn't see an end to how I felt. However, gradually I have got better. I'm not there yet and still have setbacks - how could the death of your friend not make you have a setback? Things will get better, this is just a blip. You've felt better before and you will again.
Best wishes.

[spuds]

Just wanted to add my support. I was just the same as this; couldn't look more than a few weeks ahead because I didn't expect to be here, felt detached from what was going on. Every news story about illness or death made me think it was going to happen to me soon. I couldn't see an end to how I felt. However, gradually I have got better. I'm not there yet and still have setbacks - how could the death of your friend not make you have a setback? Things will get better, this is just a blip. You've felt better before and you will again.
Best wishes.

[magicsheep]

Hi,

You have done so well and the death of a friend is so hard to bear. I know exactly how you are feeling as a friend of mine passed away in june and I didn't cry, although I cry at most things. I have since grieved for her and miss her but i know she is better off where she is than in pain.

I thought I could do it myself and have now gone back on the tablets, I know that they work for me and will help me to help myself. Please don't rule this option out.

Love Magicsheep x

If you don't want to do it you'll find an excuse. If you want to do it, you will!

[mandie]

Hi just wanted to say that a friend passed away a few months ago. Up until then my anxiety was under control. Then few weeks later it was worse then ever and because she was my age i thought i was going to die to.

It will take time, but you will get there again

take care

love mandie x

[lass]

Thanks everyone, don't know what I'd do without you!

[scoobygirl2005]

Hi.

Just want to say hope you are feeling better.

Scooby2005
x x