poppy_l
14-06-13, 11:35
Ok, I know I've been posting on this forum like mad the past week with my health anxiety, and I appreciate how supportive all of you have been. This forum has been a revelation for me and I'm so so glad I stumbled on it. I have always felt so desperately alone in my anxiety and have always been afraid to share my anxieties with my family, friends, doctor etc. because when I do I am just ridiculed and basically called crazy. But I just felt like sharing my story because I feel like I really need to get it out there and also because I feel like I have actually found a place where I can talk about it and not feel like I'm completely mad.
My story with health anxiety started about two years ago. I was just a normal young women going out, living my life and not really thinking too much about or being too concerned with my health. I wasn't engaging in the healthiest behaviour i.e. wasn't eating the healthiest or sleeping enough, was drinking socially and smoking socially on occasion (I don't even know why because the idea of smoking revolts me. Guess I was just trying to fit in.)
Well, that all changed one night when I was out with some friends...at this time I was taking the combined contraceptive pill for my skin. I was out smoking, drinking, having a great time! But when I went home I felt really sick. I figured I could just sleep it off, but the next morning I felt really sick and incredibly dizzy and my heartbeat was racing like crazy. I tried to just chalk it up to exhaustion, etc. but this continued for like 2 weeks. My vision was blurry, I couldn't focus or concentrate at work, in the mornings I would sit at my desk and I would feel like I was going to have a heart attack. I would hyperventilate for about 10 minutes. I started convincing myself that I had a blood clot because I had been smoking/drinking while on the pill which is a no-no (even though it was far from chronic use) I couldn't stop thinking about it. One day I felt my whole body go tingly and numb and my co-worker rushed me to the ER. I ended up spending a night in the hospital - they never really figured out what was wrong with me and discharged me the next day. I later went to a GP who diagnosed me as having had a panic attack and prescribed me Xanax which I took for over a year whenever I felt the onset of panic. After that health scare I vowed to improve my health - I stopped drinking alcohol as much and when I did it was much more in moderation, I never touched a cigarette again, I improved my diet and also started taking up yoga to help me be more fit, calm and active.
Well even with these healthy lifestyle changes, ever since then life has been a ROLLER COASTER of health anxiety and emotions. I stopped the Xanax when my family doctor told me that it could become addicting even thought I never abused it and so I haven't been managing my anxiety medically in about a year. I go through spells of feeling fine and normal and not thinking about my health, to times where it consumes my every waking thought. I still can't shake the idea that I have a blood clot in my body waiting to kill me from that night 2 years ago even though if I HAD had a blood clot back then I'd be dead by now. But my brain seems to not want to listen to logic. Every little ache and pain I analyze to death esp. in my arms/legs/chest/head.
About 3 weeks ago, out of the blue, I started getting a horrible headache on the left side of my head with pain spreading down to my neck/back/arm. It was so persistent and so painful. I KNEW I was going to die of an aneurysm/stroke/tumour. I just knew this was it. I ended up taking days off of work and visiting my GP and the ER at the hospital about 5 times. Every time I was told it was a tension headache. One day I got so dizzy that I thought I was going to topple over walking home and I ended up in the ER. They told me they didn't find anything wrong with me. I had my vision tested - fine. I had my blood tested - fine. But I couldn't (and still can't) shake this idea that inside my body was a ticking time bomb. I was so fatigued I couldn't get out of bed in the morning and I could barely drag myself around at work it felt like my limbs were heavy, my whole body was heavy. All my energy was literally being drained by this fear. Not just fear of illness but of death because I know my HA is directly linked to my fear of dying and my inability to cope with that thought.
Then, this morning I've just seen my GP again. She talked me down from the height of anxiety and told me that she genuinely, truly doesn't believe it's anything sinister. That she thinks it's muscular and that no signs point to anything worse than that. SO - I suppose right now I am at the point where I have accepted the fact that if it was something bad, it would have happened to me already. And now I actually feel some of those symptoms that I had before - the dizziness, fatigue etc. - have lifted.
I still can't shake the fear that I'm going to die of a blood clot and anytime I feel a pain in my arm/leg/chest my attention immediately goes to that thought. But thinking over what has happened to me, I see the patterns of anxiety and how anxiety really CAN cause such physical symptoms that we are convinced these symptoms are caused by something more real, and of course that if it's real that it's terrible. In fact there's a pain in my right arm right now that I'm worried is a blood clot. Is it swollen, hot, bruised, purple, or have any other signs of a clot? No, but this is the way my mind works!!!!!!!! It's so exhausting to live like this everyday.
I just truly hope and pray that all of us are able to conquer our anxieties. The first step is acknowledging that we have anxiety and we've already come this far by joining this forum and sharing our stories. I know I will probably not be able to overcome it completely for a long time but I know that at least I am not alone. :blush:
My story with health anxiety started about two years ago. I was just a normal young women going out, living my life and not really thinking too much about or being too concerned with my health. I wasn't engaging in the healthiest behaviour i.e. wasn't eating the healthiest or sleeping enough, was drinking socially and smoking socially on occasion (I don't even know why because the idea of smoking revolts me. Guess I was just trying to fit in.)
Well, that all changed one night when I was out with some friends...at this time I was taking the combined contraceptive pill for my skin. I was out smoking, drinking, having a great time! But when I went home I felt really sick. I figured I could just sleep it off, but the next morning I felt really sick and incredibly dizzy and my heartbeat was racing like crazy. I tried to just chalk it up to exhaustion, etc. but this continued for like 2 weeks. My vision was blurry, I couldn't focus or concentrate at work, in the mornings I would sit at my desk and I would feel like I was going to have a heart attack. I would hyperventilate for about 10 minutes. I started convincing myself that I had a blood clot because I had been smoking/drinking while on the pill which is a no-no (even though it was far from chronic use) I couldn't stop thinking about it. One day I felt my whole body go tingly and numb and my co-worker rushed me to the ER. I ended up spending a night in the hospital - they never really figured out what was wrong with me and discharged me the next day. I later went to a GP who diagnosed me as having had a panic attack and prescribed me Xanax which I took for over a year whenever I felt the onset of panic. After that health scare I vowed to improve my health - I stopped drinking alcohol as much and when I did it was much more in moderation, I never touched a cigarette again, I improved my diet and also started taking up yoga to help me be more fit, calm and active.
Well even with these healthy lifestyle changes, ever since then life has been a ROLLER COASTER of health anxiety and emotions. I stopped the Xanax when my family doctor told me that it could become addicting even thought I never abused it and so I haven't been managing my anxiety medically in about a year. I go through spells of feeling fine and normal and not thinking about my health, to times where it consumes my every waking thought. I still can't shake the idea that I have a blood clot in my body waiting to kill me from that night 2 years ago even though if I HAD had a blood clot back then I'd be dead by now. But my brain seems to not want to listen to logic. Every little ache and pain I analyze to death esp. in my arms/legs/chest/head.
About 3 weeks ago, out of the blue, I started getting a horrible headache on the left side of my head with pain spreading down to my neck/back/arm. It was so persistent and so painful. I KNEW I was going to die of an aneurysm/stroke/tumour. I just knew this was it. I ended up taking days off of work and visiting my GP and the ER at the hospital about 5 times. Every time I was told it was a tension headache. One day I got so dizzy that I thought I was going to topple over walking home and I ended up in the ER. They told me they didn't find anything wrong with me. I had my vision tested - fine. I had my blood tested - fine. But I couldn't (and still can't) shake this idea that inside my body was a ticking time bomb. I was so fatigued I couldn't get out of bed in the morning and I could barely drag myself around at work it felt like my limbs were heavy, my whole body was heavy. All my energy was literally being drained by this fear. Not just fear of illness but of death because I know my HA is directly linked to my fear of dying and my inability to cope with that thought.
Then, this morning I've just seen my GP again. She talked me down from the height of anxiety and told me that she genuinely, truly doesn't believe it's anything sinister. That she thinks it's muscular and that no signs point to anything worse than that. SO - I suppose right now I am at the point where I have accepted the fact that if it was something bad, it would have happened to me already. And now I actually feel some of those symptoms that I had before - the dizziness, fatigue etc. - have lifted.
I still can't shake the fear that I'm going to die of a blood clot and anytime I feel a pain in my arm/leg/chest my attention immediately goes to that thought. But thinking over what has happened to me, I see the patterns of anxiety and how anxiety really CAN cause such physical symptoms that we are convinced these symptoms are caused by something more real, and of course that if it's real that it's terrible. In fact there's a pain in my right arm right now that I'm worried is a blood clot. Is it swollen, hot, bruised, purple, or have any other signs of a clot? No, but this is the way my mind works!!!!!!!! It's so exhausting to live like this everyday.
I just truly hope and pray that all of us are able to conquer our anxieties. The first step is acknowledging that we have anxiety and we've already come this far by joining this forum and sharing our stories. I know I will probably not be able to overcome it completely for a long time but I know that at least I am not alone. :blush: