Feel like a failure

[Munchlet]

So it's been about 2 months that I've been off of Prozac and I think I'm going to have to start taking a new SSRI.

My doctor prescribed me Zoloft as he thought it might help more than prozac which wasn't really having any affect on my HA.

I really wanted to try and do without medication but I've been so low, moody and basically scared the whole time I don't think I can.

In the last few weeks I've worried about Breast Cancer, Lymphoma, Sinus Cancer, Jaw Cancer and I'm now fixated on Melanoma which I don't seem to be able to shift.

I'm also having CBT which I was really positive about after my first session but after my session on Friday I don't even feel optimistic that it will make any difference.

I'm trying but I just feel like each session I get two booklets to work through and although I can relate to a lot of the stuff in them, I don't see how they are helping my HA.

It tells you to take time out when you are in the middle of a HA attack and focus on other things etc, but my problem is that when I'm in the middle of a HA I can't focus on anything else.

I really feel like I'm failing. I'd love to be able to get a grip on this but it's just not happening.

Can anyone else relate to this, I was hoping the CBT would be a bit more than just have a quick chat, there's a couple of booklets and off you go. I know I've got to help myself but at the moment it's kind of like I need someone to give me some guidance and I don't feel like reading booklets and completing a few exercises is going to make any difference.

Does anyone have any positive stories about CBT and getting through without meds I just feel at the moment that I might as well start the Zoloft as I can't do it. :weep:

[RosieXXX]

You are not a failure Munchlet - you are a survivor. Coping with health anxiety is horrendous, it seems to me you haven't given up - you are still trying to find the best way to overcome this awful illness.

It is disheartening when you feel you are not making progress, but sometimes the right medication can help; it can work well alongside other coping techniques, so don't feel you are failing if you decide to take it.

I have suffered with health anxiety for many years but over the past few years have made a great improvement. I know how difficult it is to change the irrational thought processes (which don't seem irrational at the time). As you say, when you are in the midddle of it all, it seems impossible to take your mind away from the constant worry. I found there were times when i would get glimpses of rationality, and it is important to grasp hold of these thoughts and try to build positive thinking on them. Perhaps write down your good thoughts and refer back to them when you have another low point.

I don't allow myself to google, or self check. To begin with it is Really difficult, as you know, and you will probably feel worse before you begin to feel the benefit, but i promise you, in time - perhaps after a few weeks, you will find the anxiety gradually starts to subside, and it becomes easier. It does take huge determination, but once you begin to break the cycle of reassurance/self checking, which feeds the anxiety, you will be on the road to recovery. It is a slow journey, but i am confident you will get there - especially with the support of other people who understand your suffering. x

[Munchlet]

Thank you so much for your reply Rosie it really means a lot.

I've been having a really good chat with my husband and he thinks at the moment I need the medication, he said it's not saying I can never stop it but he feels that I will be more open minded and deal better with the CBT whilst taking the meds and hopefully the CBT will give me some useful coping skills which may at a later date help me get a grip on this.

I think I need meds at the minute I just don't feel I'm in a strong enough place to do without them, but hopefully one day I might just get there.

Thank you again for the reply, it is so nice to know that someone can relate to what you are going through and doesn't think you are completely bonkers! xx

[Sparkle1984]

You are not a failure, regardless of what the intrusive thoughts try to tell you. Actually, the fact that you are living with anxiety proves you are a very strong person. You have a unique insight into the world that a person who hasn't been through this trauma could not attain. Think about it this way - if your best friend confided in you that they were suffering from HA, would you tell them they were a failure? Of course you wouldn't! So why burden yourself with such a negative label? You need to have compassion for yourself and your needs.

I also relapsed following meds withdrawal - I was on citalopram for general anxiety for 6 months up until February. I was weaned off it as my doctor and I thought I was well enough to cope without it. So I did, and I felt fine for the first 4 weeks of being completely off it. But then the anxiety came back. At first I thought it was just belated withdrawal effects, so I tried to carry on as I was, but as the weeks progressed, I was getting worse rather than better. I feared i would end up as bad as i was last summer if i left it untreated. So in early May I booked a doctors appointment and asked for my prescription to be reinstated, which they agreed to do.

I was very disappointed about the relapse, especially because back in February I'd felt so good I thought I'd never suffer from anxiety again! I'd also done a lot of CBT work last year, and now it felt like I was back at square one and my progress had been wasted.

I've been back on cit for 5 weeks now and I'm making good progress, although I still don't feel as good as I did in February. I've started to do my CBT workbooks again and this is also helping me. During the med-free period, I felt so awful that I simply didn't have the motivation to focus on CBT. I didn't have the motivation to do anything really, i found no joy in anything and i believed everything was pointless. However, I'm feeling more optimistic now and I do believe that I'll eventually get back to how I was back in February.

So, in summary, I do think that a combination of meds, CBT and self-help is the best way to treat anxiety, for me anyway.