Please read/Need someone

[sedohrrelyt]

Hey, I've had anxiety since I was 15/16, I am now 20. I've never worked a real job, I dropped out of high school because of my anxiety. I freak out because the thought of working seems impossible to me. I desperately need a job, my dad died about 7 months ago and it's really left my family in serious financial struggles. I started smoking weed at 14 and smoked heavily, randomly one day after I smoked, I was skateboarding, my back went numb while trying a trick, BOOM! First real panic attack, ever since then it's been a struggle everyday to believe that i'm not dying. Recently, However, I've been having trouble with the whole fear of going crazy. That i'm just not write in the head. Like I feel like I have barriers in my head that I can never get passed. I'm just going to go crazy, and get more and more insane. I constantly worry about what everyone thinks of me, I'm severely insecure. It's hard for me to meet girls because of my anxiety and my insecurities. I feel like I'm being judged on every word I say and even If I wanted to have sex, It's hard for me to get comfortable enough with someone to have sex because of my anxiety issues (There's been times when I couldn't get hard, Times that I throw up because my heart gets racing and I panic, stuff like that.) I feel like I'm going Schizophrenic or have some serious mental issues that are more than just anxiety. I just want to live a live. I want to work, I want to help my mom out, I need to do something with my life. I'm 20 and anxiety has put a halt to my life at 16 and for 4 years, I've done nothing which makes me think that there's really something wrong with me because for 4 years I've been stuck. I don't know what it is to be normal anymore. I can't even remember how it feels to be normal with out having constant anxiety and bodily symptoms and horrifying thoughts running through my mind constant. I feel like I just have huge walls in my head that I can never get over and the thought of that makes me panic alone... I don't know what I'm really asking for in this post. I just felt like getting a lot off my chest. It's 3 in the morning, I'm alone in my house, and just need someone.

[Oosh]

I've been where you are. The whole weed thing. By 15 I was becoming very anxious and insecure.
Weed, LSD tend to make you more aware of issues you already have. They heighten awareness. The increased focus on your anxieties, insecurities can obviously make them seem larger.

If you already had an personality type that was PRONE to be self aware, cautious, focus on dangers and your thoughts, fears, anxieties, insecurities then the weed will make you hyper aware of those thoughts, feelings.
You might find they're all you think about.
You're not going crazy.
The above doesn't describe schizophrenia.
You are not developing schizophrenia.
It's anxiety.

Now that you know you are prone to this type of thinking, recognise it when you notice yourself focusing on these things. THen distract your focus away from them.

I know how hard it is being where you are. I speak from experience. I started smoking weed when I was 12.

Find a way to make money where you can gradually build up your confidence.
One day a week then half a week. Maybe stitch together a few tiny earners like cleaning offices for two hours here and there. Put MP3 player on and get stuck in. Before you know it it'll be home time. Probably wont have to deal with anyone.

I find always having a podcast on helps me keep my focus off anxieties.

The moment one pops into your head, distract yourself, because thinking about them only feeds them. Distract and forget is the key. And try to get on with your life.

Girls - what if you were with a girl and she was anxious and insecure ? Focusing on her instead of you and entertaining the idea that she might feel anxious, insecure too can bring a confidence out of you you never knew you had. Empathise. While you're focusing on them you're not focusing on you.
Think how you can help THEM feel less anxious and insecure.
I've known lots of females who've spoked weed and gone like you.
It's more common than you think.

No more weed !
And don't drink alcohol to relieve anxiety, inhibitions etc !
IT WILL MAKE IT TEN TIMES WORSE.

Use exercise.
Throw yourself into your boarding and any other hobbies you have.
Try not to isolate yourself.

You're going to get past this and help people who are sitting where you are now. There are lots of them.

Anxiety taxes your body and hormone levels. Good nutrition and exercise will help your body/levels recover. Look up adrenalin, cortisol, amygdala, chronic anxiety.
Some people's brains are just wired to be more anxious, cautious.

[sedohrrelyt]

Wow.. Thanks a lot. That's one of the best replies and some of the best advice that I have received on here. I live a very healthy lifestyle. I take vitamins, herbs, eat as healthy as I can, exercise when I'm up for it. I strongly believe in taking care of my body which came from all of my health phobia's and hypochondria. This whole Schizophrenia and severe mental illness phobia is what is torturing me. I haven't had a panic attack in a while and I've just started to read books on beating anxiety and depression, I've been getting into therapy. I'm really striving to face my problem but at times it feels impossible and that my mind is just to the point where I'm never going to be able to have fun or be normal what so ever. Also, I had a girlfriend for about 2 years but my anxiety pretty much tore that relationship apart because she couldn't relate what so ever even though she tried to understand. That probably made me much more insecure too. Bizarre thoughts just fill my head constantly.. Which make me feel more and more crazy. Like, really deep thoughts such as what is the meaning of life stuff or who really am I? Just scary thoughts like that.

[Oosh]

That's why distracting yourself with things and trying to forget yourself with other people is so important. You have to accept that you like millions of others has a brain that is wired in such a way that gives you that inward thinking, self aware, anxiety prone personality type. Weed didn't make it any better. A person like that probably IS going to feel insecure socially, inferior etc. that's the society we live in.
Getting out of yourself, distracting yourself is the door out of that place you're in.
I couldn't think of anything else. Then I'd realise the relief I'd feel thinking of outside things. Learn to forget the anxious Insecure thinking. Let it go. Let it pass through. Observe it. Let it go. Back to outward thinking. Thinking of how others feel anxious etc or your hobbies. Find people you feel suited to.

Schizophrenia is a specific condition. You don't develop it because you're anxious you'll get it. It's just a fear.

Health anxieties etc perfect example of hyper inward looking/self awareness. Way too aware. Look out. Forget yourself. See how others feel. Forget how YOU feel.
Not easy I know.