Do you read into your thoughts/dreams too much?

[MrsStobe13]

Hey all,
I just wondered if anyone else does this? I'm not talking about obsessing over things so much, but reading into dreams, wondering what it must mean if you have a bad thought etc.

I've had about 3 very good weeks recently. I haven't been on NMP much because, truthfully, I've been on such a good spell that I've redecorated 2 rooms. I trusted myself enough to handle a penknife AND a saw without thinking about killing someone! I even joked about how my brother was crazy for trusting me with a penknife. Normally I apparently look like I've seen a ghost if I see a sharp knife, so it's quite a big step for me. However, I let myself down yesterday.

For some reason, using the bathroom seems to give me time to think, time to analyse. Having done what I needed to do, my brain suddenly thought "hey, I haven't had any violent thoughts for a while". BOOM! Now they're back!

Like any intrusive thought, it plays around. I don't trust myself and feel like I'm a monster inside. My husband saw an advert for "I killed my BFF" which made me feel sick. One of the murderers had cut the body of their BFF up into pieces and my husband asked me how easy it would be. I felt sick. He asked me if a saw would go through bone and I could feel myself getting agitated and upset. I didn't want to think about that. I later had to cut up the cardboard tube that our vinyl flooring was delivered on and had to use a saw to do so. You can imagine what a state I was! I told my husband that 'recent events' had contributed (he knew what I meant). The thing is, because of my anxiety I actually read into it. I've convinced myself I might one day become a killer. I definitely don't want to kill anyone, but my thoughts combined with my husband's playful nature or my childhood history make me scared stiff I might flip out one day.

I also read into my dreams a lot. Most recently I had a dream where I was trapped on a luxury ship with a group of people who planned to travel illegally. I'd insisted I wanted off because I knew it was wrong, but I was stuck. Having read up what it could mean to dream that I'm a stowaway I read it could mean I'm involved in some 'underhanded activity'. I don't do anything illegal, but I've been clearing out on Ebay and have listed some stuff on Ebay without telling my husband which I know definitely won't be missed. I love him to bits, but he loves to keep everything, just in case. I've also sold a few things my friend gave us (eg a Christmassy photo frame which we will never use) but haven't told her to avoid upsetting her. Because of my violent thoughts and a suggestion I'm selling things behind peoples' backs I've convinced myself I'm a bad person, a criminal. Somehow logically I know I'm not, I'm terrified of blood and know you just can't keep everything, but that doesn't help me.

I've sought after meds/therapy but I've been turned away as I've more or less read all there is to know online. It's a bit of a double-edged sword as I've read so much I know it's only my anxiety, and the doc doesn't feel meds are a long-term solution. I've also had a good spell, so that would suggest it's not an on-going problem. The thing is though, when I'm bad, I'm really bad. I also feel like if I don't read up on these things it's actually me, it's really who I am and I start going out of my mind that I could have murderous hands. My husband tells me off for reading up on things but to a degree it only makes me more ashamed of my thoughts. I still read up, I just do it in secret.

What does anyone else do? I guess if it's confirmed it's only my GAD and I know what there is to know about my weird thoughts/dreams then that's it, isn't it? I know it's my anxiety. I use Rescue Remedy but I can't depend on that forever. I've had these thoughts nearly 2 years now, though not so much since I changed my hormone medication 6 weeks ago. I used a Rescue Remedy pastille this afternoon and it immediately calmed me down. Can you use Rescue Remedy pastilles indefinitely? Or even should I seek a second opinion? It wouldn't be the first time my GP has been wrong..

Thanks for reading all, and please, any self-help tips would be superb!

MrsS x

[RJ]

i also have thoughts like that where if im near any danger i feel the urge to push people infont of cars or off bridges or if im holding a knife i picture what i could do with it it worrys me but deep down i know id never do it there just my thoughts scary thoughts but just thoughts :)

[Stormsky]

I used to obsess over dreams, what they meant, trying to recall them vividly when I woke..
But I learnt to just let it go.. Nobody knows what dreams really mean.. There a mixture of things you've seen, thoughts etc through the day.. Books say meanings are opposite to the dream. ..ie. death means a re birth of something...
Intrusive thoughts are just that...thoughts.. I had them bad couple years ago.. My mum was staying over, as hubby was away.. She had gone to bed and I was watching tv.. Suddenly had the thought of killing her.. Made me panic so much I nearly passed out!
Then thoughts of harming my pets and myself... I couldn't hold a kitchen knife without a thought... Then even when I wasn't getting thoughts , I was getting 'ghost ' thoughts..as in my mum was due to stay again and I was worried about getting the harm thoughts if she did.. So cancelled her staying..
Now , I would never hurt a fly... These thoughts were the complete opposite of who I am..which is why they scare us so much .. If we were the type to harm ,we wouldn't be scared of the thoughts, we would enjoy them and act on them...
It's the fear of them that keeps them coming.. You can't try to block them..the more you try to push them away, the more they come... Thoughts only have importance if we allow it...
If I said dont think of pink elephants, guarantee that's all you can think of!
I would kill myself before harming another..so when the thoughts came I started saying..I'm not interested in these thoughts anymore, I'm bored now, I don't want to harm anyone, and I'd die before it happened..and since I don't want to die either, then your wasting your time bothering me...
They soon went away..
I no longer feared them, so they had no importance.

[Speranza]

Your husband doesn't sound as if he takes it all very seriously... can you talk to him and ask for his support maybe?

[MrsStobe13]

Then thoughts of harming my pets and myself... I couldn't hold a kitchen knife without a thought... Then even when I wasn't getting thoughts , I was getting 'ghost ' thoughts..as in my mum was due to stay again and I was worried about getting the harm thoughts if she did.. So cancelled her staying..
Now , I would never hurt a fly... These thoughts were the complete opposite of who I am..which is why they scare us so much .. If we were the type to harm ,we wouldn't be scared of the thoughts, we would enjoy them and act on them...
It's the fear of them that keeps them coming.. You can't try to block them..the more you try to push them away, the more they come... Thoughts only have importance if we allow it...
If I said dont think of pink elephants, guarantee that's all you can think of!
I would kill myself before harming another..so when the thoughts came I started saying..I'm not interested in these thoughts anymore, I'm bored now, I don't want to harm anyone, and I'd die before it happened..and since I don't want to die either, then your wasting your time bothering me...


Stormsky, I've highlighted some of your response because this is particularly true of me. I too get 'ghost' thoughts. Ie before fitting the flooring I told myself I would get the thoughts of killing my brother while he was helping me. As a matter of fact, I didn't. I was so busy chatting to him and my husband I forgot all about them. I've also near cancelled social things because I was sure I'd get the violent thoughts. Most of the time, of course, the complete opposite is true. I actually don't get the thoughts that I told myself I would have!

The worst occasion I remember was in the car on a family outing. I'd seen my Mum pack a knife for cutting open our boil in the bag beef meals. I was sat in the car in tears for four hours on what was supposed to be a great day, my 'because the hen do didn't happen' do, but that's another story :).

I too would also kill myself before I killed another. Sadly on honeymoon I was plagued with the idea of jumping out in front of a train. My new obsession. Day or night, at some point I was going to jump in front of a train. Everytime a train went past I sighed with relief because it was another I hadn't jumped in front of. I actually remembered a conversation with my late granfather who was on a train when a man jumped onto the track. I didn't want to put about 200 commuters through that grief. It got to the point that I would not go onto the train station until the very moment when the train was due, and when we had an hour wait for our next train I demanded we sat as far away from the platform edge as I could be, then insisted we sat in the waiting room where there was a wall and a door between me and the HSTs! We didn't have any Rescue Remedy pastilles packed, either. I gave my husband a tin for the day of our wedding but he and the groomsmen got through them all! lol

MrsS x

[Stormsky]

Yes it becomes the ghost thoughts that bother us..
I mean we don't deliberately choose the initial harm thought.. They just pop in...
But we just end up keep worrying about getting them again.
But again I just tell those thoughts I'm not interested..and move on...

[MrsStobe13]

Speranza, I think he tries to but I don't think he understands anxiety as anything more than the jitters like he had before the wedding. Unfortunately, he's not got a role model when it comes to handling health conditions as his Dad turns a blind eye on ailments and his mother passed away when he was 4. I'm sure in his heart of hearts he wants to help and he believes he's doing the right thing, but by telling me off and preventing me understanding myself he's not really helping, and of course he will only make me feel worse about myself. When I have a really bad episode he insists I lay up so he can fuss over me. It's lovely, but it's probably (almost definitely) not going to help in the long term.

MrsS x

---------- Post added at 23:35 ---------- Previous post was at 23:27 ----------

Stormsky, that is it exactly! The never-ending 'what if?' cycle. I normally tell them 'no, I am not interested, I do not want to kill anyone', but perhaps I pay too much attention to them? I also find things like the news and the media counter-productive. The more murders I hear about, the more I question my own morals. Hubby loves shooter Xbox games as well which maybe don't help, but you have to face your demons somewhere!

MrsS x

[Stormsky]

I play call of duty..zombies maps....on ps3 !

[MrsStobe13]

Does it help? I've got (and nearly completed) the new Tomb Raider. Having taken down about 18 bad guys the other day I declared "rest in pieces" before blasting them with the grenade launcher to seal the deal. My husband found it hilarious, but it wasn't something I'd normally say/do.

MrsS x