Intrusive thoughts, please help.

[calmpuppy]

Im a 21 year old female who has worked with children since she was 17 with never a second thought about it. I love children and would never harm a child or do anything to take away their innocence or distress them.

I've recently finished studying, moved back home and started a placement at a primary school. I've never been diagnosed with OCD or anxiety, but I post this in here as I've read similar things which is very comforting.

I have been quite anxious the past year, and have had some moodswings. I've only been at the school 3 days, and I'm starting to have some horrible thoughts recently about attraction. It's like the forefront of my mind thinks they are cute, but then there's this HORRIBLE "what if i felt..." feeling. It's so strange. I haven't had any sexual thoughts about the children, but I just feel wrong when they're getting changed etc, even though I'm not attracted to them, and the children have hugged me and I've felt nothing ever. But there was one thought that was borderline that just made me feel sick even though it was just because he was such a pretty boy and I wanted to give him kisses (not adult kisses, obviously.) but I feel so wrong for even thinking that.

I really want to be a teacher, and have been nervous throughout the whole process so far. I would NEVER EVER act on anything but I do have impulsive and intrusive thoughts that have surfaced mainly in the last day. I would have maybe 2 a day, but worrying about those thoughts would occupy my mind in the meantime. I'm very nervous/excited about teaching, but I feel like this is ruining everything for me, my stomach feels like it's turning and I feel sick.

I've occasionally had these inappropriate thoughts about adults from time to time and I'm just like "ew. what?" but as children is so horrible, and such a big part of what I want to do, my brain latches on and thinks "what if you did feel that way, what if you ever did something." In which case I would rather commit suicide than live being that person.

Sorry for the essay but I feel so weird, disgusting and like I shouldn't even be where I am. I feel like if anyone knew they would just kill me. I don't even know what to do.

---------- Post added at 22:03 ---------- Previous post was at 21:57 ----------

Sorry, I didn't realise there was a thread with a similar title here. I'm in a bit of a blind panic about the whole thing right now.

[calmpuppy]

Please help this is ruining my life. I feel the need to admit this to everyone and just throw myself in prison or something :(

[LGS]

Hi calmpuppy. These are just thoughts not reality. You seem a nice woman who would never do anything. I hope this helps. You are no danger to them. Take care LGS

[calmpuppy]

Thanks, It's just really upsetting, but I've talked to a few people and they said they have weird thoughts all the time, but you just know that they're weird and not right.

[Invisibletouch]

Hi there......
As you say, everyone has random weird thoughts from time to time, but they come and go and we think no more about them, but when your mind is tired and anxiety takes over, the thoughts become worrying, obsessive and time consuming.
I would say that as you've been anxious for the past year, this anxiety has caused you to have these thoughts, and because teaching is something that means so much to you, the thoughts are centred on this.
Hope this helps.

[mayworry]

Hi, i;m in my fourth year of training to be a primary teacher and I feel exactly the same way, but mine has now progressed to me worrying 'what if I get turned on?' then if I ever do I think, Oh my god that was about that image I just had in my head, I must be one of those sick people!

I've been getting these horrible/ distgusting/ evil thoughts to do with children (was extremely hard to even type that sentence, i felt like i needed to die just for typing it) for the past year now (on and off). I'm 21 now and I seem to be okay for a few weeks sometimes because I somehow manage to get over it then something will remind me of how i felt about this topic and then I'd feel guilty that I'd even ever think these thoughts in the first place because no-body else seems to do that, then it all starts over again. It all really started when I was 19/20 after I had my son (who is now nearly 2) when I started to look back over every single thing I'd ever done wrong in my life (such as when I was 16 and my bf was 15 at the time) and i instantly felt like a pedo, then i thought about when i was 17/18 and I was curious and looked at Hentai videos etc then I felt that they looked quite young and tied it in with the theme that i thought i was disgusting and needed to be killed. I told my whole family, went crying to them about everything and asked them if i should go to the police or if I should move out coz I was convinced they wouldn't want me around anymore, but the complete opposite happened. They were all so worried about me, and asked me why the hell i thought i was a distgusting, sick person for just doing what a hell of a lot of teenagers do and they don't even bat an eyelid. It was like everything just came rushing onto me all at once from out of the blue (and I now know why it did) I felt that when I became a mum I must instantly adopt this 'perfect' appearance and never do anything remotely normal/ sexual in my life at all coz then i would get my child taken off me and be branded a horrible mother'.

After reading a hell of a lot of posts on here I really need to thank you for helping me diagnose what this horrible thing is I've been worrying about for the past year n a bit. People have described EXACTLY the way I feel.

2 weeks ago I took this worry to the next stage and started getting horrible thoughts about girls which goes hand in hand with me worrying about the other things and is like the conclusion of my worry spiraling out of control. I can't remember how it started, but after talking to my partner (the baby's father) and googling symptoms, i now know it is intrusive thoughts linked with anxiety. It started off being horrible thoughts, and now I literally will devote 10 mins every half an hour trying to 'test' myself with these images/ thoughts to see what emotional response comes from me (it has always been disgust/ shock/ guilt/ worry that I might like it or get turned on/ then I think that I do like it and that makes me feel even worse/ then my heart beats like mad and i feel like I'm going to be sick and usually ends in me crying. I've told my mum an dad n brother about these thoughts as well as my partner, and my brother laughed and said "You are the furthest from a pedophile there is". That made me feel a bit better but then I also wanted to say, "But that can't be true because 'normal' people don't have these thoughts therefore i must be!" I keep testing and testing and testing to the point where I don't even know what emotion it is anymore because I feel sick constantly and have nearly stopped eating altogether now because I feel I don't deserve to eat or be happy when I have these horrible thoughts.

I feel a tad better knowing there are other people who feel the way I do and take great solace in the fact that because I worry/ panic and cry over these thoughts that they cannot actually be true as, (my partner and dad keep telling me) if i was a horribl/ sick person I wouldn't be crying/ not wanting to leave the house, I'd be enjoying them acting on them (which I know I wouldn't do)

What makes me worry even more is the fact that I'm in my fourth (and final year) of primary teacher training and have NEVER looked at a child/ or had these thoughts like this before. I had a lecture the other day (my first day back into 4th year) and the topic was...child abusers. My heart nearly fell out my mouth. I literally nearly ran out of the hall and throw up, had to stop myself from crying right in the chairs next to my friends and had to sit right through an hour n half long presentation on 'what classifies a child abuser' and the 'stages' a child abuser goes through on getting to terms with actually 'liking' children. The first was "The idea they want to have sex with children", The second was "Overcoming their conscience and rationalizing their thoughts to think they're doing nothing wrong" etc etc. On hearing this I stopped breathing, I had been having these thoughts and testing myself for days an days and I instantly thought I was one of those horrible people, even though I have ALWAYS said these sorts of people don't deserve to be alive. It also said that by the age of 21 95% of child abusers 'know' they are one. I kept thinking Oh my god, I'm 21 (22 in 4 months) what if this past year has been my 'knowing', and I left right after the lecture (half way through the day) and didn't go back. I went home, broke down in tears to my mum and she said "You're still worrying about this??!!, you need to get over it now". That is what I want more than anything in the world! I would rather get sent to prison for killing someone than have anyone or myself believing that I would do/ think anything about/ to children.

Sorry for the massive long post but I just feel that after reading everything else on here I now know what it is I'm going through. I just need to convince myself I'm not a horrible/ sick person that needs to be dead and that I do deserve my son and I'm a good mother.
I've got the support of my partner, the love of my son and the need to just relax and get better sleep (I only get 3/4 hours a night due to my son constnatly waking up/ getting in our bed and not sleeping).

I just want to be my 'normal' happy self again and not this person who cries all the time, snaps at her family and doesn't want to see her friends because everyone else seems to be happy and 'normal' and I'm an emotional wreck.