If you get violent thoughts, have you ever vocalised them?

[MrsStobe13]

This is an uncomfortable trait (maybe a "tic"?) I've developed since the onset of my violent thoughts and I wondered if anyone else does it? For example, my Dad asked me if I had tweezers to remove splinters when I did a DIY peoject, so I asked him if he ad cotton balls for a broken nose. My husband was play fighting with me and I said I was going to cut his little toe off and work my way up. Of course, I won't, the idea of violence makes me feel absolutely horrid and hearing my voice make these threats makes me feel vile. I feel ashamed and disgusted by it and know I don't mean it. I've started questionning myself and asking myself if I'm really a killer inside, and why I haven't acted on my urges. I guess no matter how hard I try to remove the idea of murder from my life (not watching/reading the news etc) you can;'t eliminate it completely and I still find myself questionning my morals, asking if I could be one of those people and worried that one day I will flip. I'm not on meds as doc didn't think they'd help me in the long term and he refused me therapy as my husbad encourages me to handle knives as much as possible. I have been stressed for a long while because of our wedding so I wonder if the need to make the threat stems from built up confusion and frustration. I don't get much alone time and if I start to cry my husband thinks it's something he did. He's starting work on Monday so I think having a 'worry hour' might help me rationalise, too.

Thanks for reading

MrsS x