doll's house
04-07-13, 23:03
hello everyone,
so good to be here, i've been browsing the forum for a while and its a great feeling to have all of you people as a support and understanding.
ill try to keep it short for the first time posting - im 35 years old, suffer with panic attacks, anxiety, agoraphobia, eating disorders since i was 18, but i think it started way back earlier, just went unrecognizable.
i have a double life - one is public, all succes, two great jobs, always smiling etc. another one is my private hell, where i cry and diminish myself because i know who i really am - neurotic, scared, tired, irrational person who cant deal with ordinary things.
what can i say, sometimes even going to work is panic, but im managing and not giving up. what makes me terrible problem is travelling. each summer is the same story, i buy the ticket, have a feeling i can make it this time, and once the day is close, i give uo. just like switch in my head. i give up.
same is this year - im supposed to travel on sunday, but i gave up today. told my therapist im unable to do that, that its unrealistic to enter the plane, stay there for an hour, then spend 10 days somewhere far from home with relatives that already look at me like im some lunatic.
what really scares me is the fact that switch happened overnight - i was doing great this years, made really great progress on therapy, cut down medications, strived at work, got promotion which i was terrified to take but then jump into it and it was super success. and this trip, it really took me many steps back in my head. i cried whole day today, feeling all those ugly feelings, from nausea to helplesnees, vertigo, cant eat... and im afraid that if i travel, it will just get worse and ill be bothering my relatives and cry like a baby i want to go home.
any advice, idea, support is more then welcome, because its been a feeling very low day. and that feeling that im lying to everyone about me going to vacation it is destroying me. and i would love so much to be at the sea for few days, i miss going somewhere, i feel so stucked in my little town.
thanks to everyone who read this, take care and hope to ''meet'' you soon here.
so good to be here, i've been browsing the forum for a while and its a great feeling to have all of you people as a support and understanding.
ill try to keep it short for the first time posting - im 35 years old, suffer with panic attacks, anxiety, agoraphobia, eating disorders since i was 18, but i think it started way back earlier, just went unrecognizable.
i have a double life - one is public, all succes, two great jobs, always smiling etc. another one is my private hell, where i cry and diminish myself because i know who i really am - neurotic, scared, tired, irrational person who cant deal with ordinary things.
what can i say, sometimes even going to work is panic, but im managing and not giving up. what makes me terrible problem is travelling. each summer is the same story, i buy the ticket, have a feeling i can make it this time, and once the day is close, i give uo. just like switch in my head. i give up.
same is this year - im supposed to travel on sunday, but i gave up today. told my therapist im unable to do that, that its unrealistic to enter the plane, stay there for an hour, then spend 10 days somewhere far from home with relatives that already look at me like im some lunatic.
what really scares me is the fact that switch happened overnight - i was doing great this years, made really great progress on therapy, cut down medications, strived at work, got promotion which i was terrified to take but then jump into it and it was super success. and this trip, it really took me many steps back in my head. i cried whole day today, feeling all those ugly feelings, from nausea to helplesnees, vertigo, cant eat... and im afraid that if i travel, it will just get worse and ill be bothering my relatives and cry like a baby i want to go home.
any advice, idea, support is more then welcome, because its been a feeling very low day. and that feeling that im lying to everyone about me going to vacation it is destroying me. and i would love so much to be at the sea for few days, i miss going somewhere, i feel so stucked in my little town.
thanks to everyone who read this, take care and hope to ''meet'' you soon here.