doll's house
08-07-13, 19:46
i gave up one more time - had ticket for going to a vacation and the morning i was supposed to leave, i just realized i am not going to do it. again.
so, im stucked at home for 14 more days of ''vacation'', my friends all think i travelled, i cry, but most then anything else, i feel so empty. i just can't go through all this struggle again and again. somehow, i feel peacefull, like i gave up on my life, like this is it, me stucked forever, behind my 4 walls, never able to leave my hometown.
and lying is worse then anything else, like it is not bad enough i feel different for not having vacations and trips, now i feel like a fraud above everything else.
i am just tired of telling people how bad i feel, tired of crying, tired of not getting any response but - oh, come on, you're fine, you're just making it all up - or not getting any response because people genuinely don't have slightest idea what i am going through and how my life looks like because of all this.
so, i postponed my ticket for wednesday, i am doing it every summer, postponing and killing myself slowly, and i never travelled or even worse i traveleed 2 years ago to different country and managed to stay there for 2 days and then returned home in sheer panic. so if i manage to travel on wednesday i will be staying only 3 days because i have to come back for work. and when i think of going back to work and lying how i got rest and had fun and none of it is true and people coming back tanned and relaxed and me feeling like a failure. this life really sucks.
and it is strange, i am on therapy and i feel fine most of the time, keep anxiety under control, managing to work, go out, i really got better over the years, but once it is summer and vacations everything just comes back, always the same, like i become someone else, like my mind is completely taking control over me and my body. and this year is the worst because i am lying to everyone. previous years i used to tell to a few friends i will be staying home, but this year it is like i got tired of saying everyone anything, i just shut down and isolated myself. it is going to be strange if i go on to that plane on wednesday, no one will know i am doing it. because everyone thinks i am already at the seaside!
i really feel lonely and beaten, this is so exhausting.
so, im stucked at home for 14 more days of ''vacation'', my friends all think i travelled, i cry, but most then anything else, i feel so empty. i just can't go through all this struggle again and again. somehow, i feel peacefull, like i gave up on my life, like this is it, me stucked forever, behind my 4 walls, never able to leave my hometown.
and lying is worse then anything else, like it is not bad enough i feel different for not having vacations and trips, now i feel like a fraud above everything else.
i am just tired of telling people how bad i feel, tired of crying, tired of not getting any response but - oh, come on, you're fine, you're just making it all up - or not getting any response because people genuinely don't have slightest idea what i am going through and how my life looks like because of all this.
so, i postponed my ticket for wednesday, i am doing it every summer, postponing and killing myself slowly, and i never travelled or even worse i traveleed 2 years ago to different country and managed to stay there for 2 days and then returned home in sheer panic. so if i manage to travel on wednesday i will be staying only 3 days because i have to come back for work. and when i think of going back to work and lying how i got rest and had fun and none of it is true and people coming back tanned and relaxed and me feeling like a failure. this life really sucks.
and it is strange, i am on therapy and i feel fine most of the time, keep anxiety under control, managing to work, go out, i really got better over the years, but once it is summer and vacations everything just comes back, always the same, like i become someone else, like my mind is completely taking control over me and my body. and this year is the worst because i am lying to everyone. previous years i used to tell to a few friends i will be staying home, but this year it is like i got tired of saying everyone anything, i just shut down and isolated myself. it is going to be strange if i go on to that plane on wednesday, no one will know i am doing it. because everyone thinks i am already at the seaside!
i really feel lonely and beaten, this is so exhausting.